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Continue to look for Chemical solution


[He...]

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So I see a pattern. Had trauma, could not sleep well

Looked for chem solution sleeping pills for 4 weeks,

then seroquel then clonazapam then off clonazapam

now seroquel. With many AD meds thrown in.

And my mind it looks for a chemical solution.

Now applying for medical marijuana card and

so now I feel insane. I want to change but

with Covid and all it is hard.

 

 

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I have these thoughts from time to time. My goal is absolutely to be free of psychoactive substances. Perhaps it is better to say it is my ambition, even. The last 6 years of my life, I have been dealing with adverse effects and withdrawal effects from pills the doctor gave me. Before that, I misused alcohol at times in my past. Nothing out of the ordinary for the culture I live in but still not good for me. When I found myself stuck on diazepam, wanting to withdraw but circumstances not allowing, I got a real sense of how precious true sobriety is.

 

So I'm finally off diazepam, free of all meds, but more days than not I vaporize cannabis. So I start thinking sometimes "now that your med free, why don't you leave the cannabis alone and actually experience sobriety?". Really I'm just tussling with myself because I use it more often than I need to and occasionally more than I want to (compulsive). Really I'm OK with my reasons because although I am free of meds, I am still experiencing withdrawal effects so I am still under their influence. I take breaks although sometimes I let it become overdue. The way I see it, I am very much using cannabis this extensively because of my withdrawal state. It agrees with me and I weighed up the benefits and risks and I find them to be favourable. I don't have an end date in mind, I just kinda know that while I can only get around 5 hours sleep per night on average without cannabis, I will use it fairly often. I can survive on that amount, but it sucks. If I feel at any point that cannabis is stopping my healing, I'll quit for good. But I notice when I take my breaks, a little more sleep has returned and other symptoms have calmed down.

 

Rambling a little... I see my weed use naturally declining as I start to feel better during breaks. I like cannabis but am quite bored by it. I'm genuinely looking forward to being something like back to normal, experiencing life substance free and sober, where cannabis is something to get excited about as a rare treat. Weed can be a solution for some period of time and it's not normally going to kick your ass when you decide it's no longer the solution. That means you can use it to help you through this journey and then ditch the weed when the time is right.

 

All of that said, monitor yourself with the cannabis. It is a powerful and sometimes unpredictable substance. It can turn on you without anything changing. Start slow and educate yourself. Don't let it become your master and you'll be alright.

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I can relate.

 

Covid really has hit me hard.  I don't feel like anyone I know really understands the impact.

 

Wish I could find a chemical solution myself, but I also see a pattern in that this is probably what contributed to me being here in the first place.  If that makes sense.

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