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My #15 month. It gets better. Healing happens.


[Mi...]

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I used to know EXACTLY when the 18th of every month went by, because back then I was suffering so so very much. Perhaps you are in that position now. The 18th of May 2019 was my last Ativan.

(And, when I got the one time Reglan dose in the ER for a migraine. See my signature for details).

 

Now I have to remember a bit as the 18th approaches and count to be sure and say to myself: "How many months has it been now?" because I am losing count because living life is taking precedence and symptoms have faded.

 

The purpose of Benzo Buddies is to help each other. Part of that purpose is to tell others who are suffering that they will too get through it. When I was acutely ill with withdrawal I would read the

success stories and thought they were lying to some degree. I would think to myself: they just could not possibly be healed. It just seems so impossible when one is in the "thick of it" month after month.

 

I want to spend my time on here driving home the point that it does get better. You will heal. I needed to read those words over and over when I was so sick.

 

I had all the horrible withdrawal symptoms, but I am sharing today the very few that remain which are mostly just "bothersome" at this point

 

I think maybe in my last "mile marker" post I was still having very strong episodes of fatigue, and also I could not get up the stairs in my new house. The stairs were not finished. There were no railings, nor spindles yet as the house is under construction. Just open steps to a railing-less balcony. Mind you, I could walk 5 miles, drive, & dance the jig, but those stairs.... I could not do it. My husband and everyone else would walk right up them with no problem, but my healing CNS and healing balance system was not ready for it. My brain would see an open ledge up high and my legs got shaky & weak. It's a hard thing to describe. It wasn't just leg weakness, but it hurt my head to try to get my balance system to handle heights.

 

Now the stairs and balcony are finished. I've been up & down them 20 times or more. I've vacuumed and cleaned the upstairs of my home too. Yep, I'm as strong as Wonder Woman for sure 🏋️♀️🦸‍♀️!!

 

As for the fatigue, for the last month that too has lifted. Now I only get pretty "flattened" physically if I overdo it, for example vacuuming the entire house, but it's a normal feeling fatigue that someone who is "normally" sick would feel after recovering from an illness. If I do an extreme amount of work, I do have to lay down, but it is not that heavy fatigue where my voice would drop 2 octaves, and I could hardly talk or sit up in a chair.

 

I also enjoy and look forward to showers now too (so exciting! Rub a dub dub 🛁 lol 😆.)  I could not shower every day just a month or 2 ago. When I did shower I felt constantly dizzy and had to hold onto the bars. Now I feel relaxed and calm in the shower without any dizziness.

 

I also don't mind visiting with people now at all. That was an issue that hung on for a long time with me. Even though it's limited now because of Covid, I can confidently chat. I may get tired from it sooner than I normally would, but I just excuse myself. This time last year I could not stand and talk or sit and talk to people. Their energy was simply too much. I would feel extreme "fight or flight" (Akathasia). I don't have those feelings anymore.

 

After what I've been through, I can expect some tiredness. Let me tell you though, it is a total relief to feel some tiredness versus all of the other horrible withdrawal symptoms that I went through.

 

I do still get a withdrawal headache about once a month. I take one Motrin, and I lay in a calm, quiet, dark room. It passes after an hour or so and I have to "take it easy" the next day. Not a big deal.

 

All these things feel like a normal response of someone recovering from a surgery, or a "regular" illness now. I am no longer afraid the bad symptoms will return at all because I have not had severe symptoms for months. Living life feels good. Sleeping and resting feels good.

 

I'm starting to get this horrible experience into the "rear view mirror". I don't talk about benzo withdrawal and Reglan all day anymore like I used to because I'm no longer suffering. I'm a girl who got extremely ill from a drug. It took months to recover like everyone said it would. Benzo withdrawal is meant to be survived & to move on and live your life. Please know that healing is real.

 

I'm still giving myself until probably the late fall or December to write a success story. I just want those several months between being healed and putting it into a final story.

 

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Thank you for your generosity in sharing the positives and improvements. Makes me smile to think that i look forward to being able to do the vacuuming again. . .
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such a pleasure to hear and read this account. very happy for you. I remember this phase for myself last year. Was such a grateful moment in my life when i started to see signs of normalcy again. welcome back!
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Thanks Miss Fortitude.  It helps so much to hear that recovery really does happen.  We lose hope, and posts like yours has hope return. 

 

D x

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Thank you so much for your post

 

It really helps to read such a positive message after months of tapering and 8 months post taper, without any sign yet of  improvement,

 

Some of the things you write about I have and will  be so glad to see, gone,

 

I will have to re read every so often  and try to hold on to the message that we do heal even when it feels impossible

 

 

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