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‘Life in review‘ symptom?


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I need to vent because I can’t keep all this to myself. Everyday is an uphill battle and it’s getting tiresome. I’m doing okay, much better than 7 months ago for sure.

Everyday is an hour by hour effort to feel better physically and mentally. I have tinnitus and constant ‘life review’ of how I’ve screwed everything up and what if all my opportunities have come and gone.

I concentrate on good things and read self help and pat myself on the back for getting off the damned things and for repairing my life. I’m just tired and impatient and I can’t believe that 7 months after my last Xanax I’m still feeling this messed up. I feel like a failure for letting this happen, for letting my life end up here.

I’m doing a lot more now than during withdrawal, like meeting friends. playing tennis and traveling. I can’t drink alcohol anymore because it really messes with me afterwards.

My moods are all over the place so I’m constantly checking in with the present moment. My mantra is, I’m going to feel better, I’m feeling better, I will feel better soon.

My memory isn’t as good. I literally don’t remember moment to moment sometimes. When I’m talking to someone I sometimes have an out of body experience like I’m watching myself and hearing my words but not feeling like I’m in the moment. Then I’m wondering what the hell I was talking about and I hope I’m not making the other person feel weird by the words I’m saying. Ugh.

My heart thumps as if I just sprinted from the kitchen to the couch. And it keeps thumping. I don’t want to feel it thumping while I’m trying to sleep or watch a movie. I have to hold my solar plexus and just breathe. I do this all night.

I just hope that with patience, I’ll eventually get back on track.

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I have the life in review, and I thought I was just maybe weird. My memories are always two different kinds: either great, happy, energetic memories of when I was a kid before substances like coffee, energy drinks, and prescription drugs came into my life. Then, I have the memories of how pain has always been a part of my life and is it even worth fighting this? Every time I say, "I want my life back," I wonder if I were ever truly happy or energetic for life? I am hoping that from your post this is a benzo thing and will eventually go away as I heal.
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I was wondering if it was a symptom too and then I read a blog post by Jennifer Leigh,  “If you are experiencing the common “life review” benzo withdrawal symptom (focusing on past regrets, guilt, or shame) do your best to just observe those thoughts and let them pass through you.”

 

I never had this type of regret before and I was pretty resilient. I’m going to leave a comment and see if she replies.

 

Here’s the link to the whole post: https://benzowithdrawalhelp.com/uncategorized/answering-the-big-brain-question-in-benzo-withdrawal/?utm_source=Benzo+Withdrawal+Help&utm_campaign=ec9147acf1-RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_9aa1eca219-ec9147acf1-531341450&ct=t(RSS_EMAIL_CAMPAIGN)&mc_cid=ec9147acf1&mc_eid=2e4239dd64

 

 

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Jun13 Thank you for the link. Great concise summary. I especially liked this part:

 

            "Use your senses to bring you back to this present moment, for, in this present moment, everything is okay. There is no tiger waiting to pounce on you. There is no danger. You are safe. Meet your benzo withdrawal symptoms eye to eye, don’t run from them, or try to fight them. Simply observe them, name them for what they are, a body function caused by downregulated GABA receptors, and tell yourself that you are safe here in this present moment."

 

Words to live by.  :smitten:

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I need to vent because I can’t keep all this to myself. Everyday is an uphill battle and it’s getting tiresome. I’m doing okay, much better than 7 months ago for sure.

Everyday is an hour by hour effort to feel better physically and mentally. I have tinnitus and constant ‘life review’ of how I’ve screwed everything up and what if all my opportunities have come and gone.

I concentrate on good things and read self help and pat myself on the back for getting off the damned things and for repairing my life. I’m just tired and impatient and I can’t believe that 7 months after my last Xanax I’m still feeling this messed up. I feel like a failure for letting this happen, for letting my life end up here.

I’m doing a lot more now than during withdrawal, like meeting friends. playing tennis and traveling. I can’t drink alcohol anymore because it really messes with me afterwards.

My moods are all over the place so I’m constantly checking in with the present moment. My mantra is, I’m going to feel better, I’m feeling better, I will feel better soon.

My memory isn’t as good. I literally don’t remember moment to moment sometimes. When I’m talking to someone I sometimes have an out of body experience like I’m watching myself and hearing my words but not feeling like I’m in the moment. Then I’m wondering what the hell I was talking about and I hope I’m not making the other person feel weird by the words I’m saying. Ugh.

My heart thumps as if I just sprinted from the kitchen to the couch. And it keeps thumping. I don’t want to feel it thumping while I’m trying to sleep or watch a movie. I have to hold my solar plexus and just breathe. I do this all night.

I just hope that with patience, I’ll eventually get back on track.

 

I have this life in review thing all the time. But eevery week I think a bit less about it. But all this years on Valium I was always life in review.

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I have the life in review, and I thought I was just maybe weird. My memories are always two different kinds: either great, happy, energetic memories of when I was a kid before substances like coffee, energy drinks, and prescription drugs came into my life. Then, I have the memories of how pain has always been a part of my life and is it even worth fighting this? Every time I say, "I want my life back," I wonder if I were ever truly happy or energetic for life? I am hoping that from your post this is a benzo thing and will eventually go away as I heal.

There's a real positive spin to put on this.

 

Rather than worrying if life was even all that before (you know it was better, you've just forgot what it's like), make it about the future. If you were missing out before you lost your health due to complacency or whatever, you can tell yourself that you won't miss out again when your health recovers.

 

Old memories being raked up out of nowhere has been a major theme for me too.

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the "life review" can be brutal....I had memories of minor things even flash back at me. Event he stuff you swear you had resolved likes to revisit!

 

This is not as bad thankfully. I try to remind myself that our fear center (amygdala) is in overdrive right now trying protect us.

 

Remember you are separate from your brain..it is an organ of the body like any other and is healing.

 

I do get it how exhausting this is..the daily effort put in is unreal...BUT you have mentioned some pretty good things like you can meet with friends again, play tennis and travel. Remember when you couldn't do that? ;)

We only see progress when we look back.

 

I too feel like a shadow of my former self. But I plan to go to my girl's softball tournament today. This time last year i was in a mental hospital on copious amts of meds. Even this past spring I couldn't walk. I can walk now and I can tolerate social interaction (in moderation).

 

Its all about perspective - and I lose perspective too. Sometimes we just need a reminder. Imagine where we'll be this time next year :smitten:

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