OCD/Sticky Thoughts

[[bo...]]

I'm really struggling with OCD at this point. This weekend, I was literally obsessed with thoughts about work, thoughts such as nobody likes me at work, there's no way I can make it three more months to summer, there is no way I can keep this jobs for 15 years until I retire. I ended up very depressed because of these thoughts and just laid in bed until falling asleep, but I woke up today feeling the same sadness and I'm not wanting to be at work at all.

 

I can't tell if this is withdrawal, OCD that's been made worse over time, social anxiety, or I just generally don't like this job or working in general and I'm having a nervous breakdown.

 

I need this job to afford my home. I'm working as a high school Librarian and it's not really even a hard job. I just don't know what to do anymore. It's like once one line of bad thoughts improves, something else just takes its place.

[[Ch...]]

It’s important to develop a strategy for redirecting thought patterns.  Once they start, redirect to another line of thought. It’s hard at first, we tend to roll around in the muck of negative thinking, that’s the nature of this beast, but developing coping strategies is key to getting through this.

 

It helps even when we’re healed because negative thinking happens to all of us, regardless of benzodiazepines.

 

You’re an artist...maybe turn to song-writing as soon as you recognize the negative loop starting. It will become habit after awhile. Easier said than done, I know, but it works. Gotta keep at it.

[[bo...]]

Thanks for the reply. I wonder what of these obsessive thoughts is still benzo-fueled and what is preexisting problems.

[[Mi...]]

I would think about before you took benzos. Did you have these kinds of thoughts then?  If not, then I would say it's the benzos, and here's why.  Because so many of us have the same exact problem you are having.  I never had intrusive OCD type sticky thoughts prior to benzos.  It took me a while to even figure out what I currently am suffering with, because I've never experienced it until now.  Funny thing is that it keeps morphing for me too.  It's different every 1-3 months.  It's like I'm suffering from something new every time I sink into a wave.  And I can't even determine when my waves begin and end these days.  I feel like I've been in one big wave since October.  But the wave has highs and lows.  Some days I feel ok, other days I feel pretty bad.  The difference between now and 15 months ago is that my days now range from a 3 to a 7 out of 10 (10 being hell) whereas they used to range from 1 to 10.  I can remember windows when I'd see the silver lining.  I don't see it the same these days.  After suffering for 18 months, it becomes more difficult to be positive.  That's my feeling.

[[bo...]]

I was struggling with work prior to benzos. I started having the thought of I can't make it through the year or I can't make it X number of years before retirement. The problem now is I've switched jobs from a teacher, which was incredibly stressful, to a librarian. The job is much less stressful. Yet all day on Sundays, I'm freaking out about having to go to work because I worry that nobody likes me or I think about how long the school year is, and even when it ends, I may still have issues next year anyway and the summer might not help with healing at all. Then I think about having to pretend I'm fine in conversation.

 

At work, I've had little to no desire to talk to my colleagues as of late which isn't probably helping my negative obsessive thoughts. It's really hard to pretend you are okay and care about others lives during all this so conversations dry up quickly. And I had a touch of social anxiety before all this.

 

You throw in the anger, the burning nerves all over my body, the vision issues, the constant fatigue and depression, and every day just feels like hell. I'm nearly two years off everything and I don't feel better.

 

 

[[je...]]

I'm equally desperate. These drugs are so cruel to cause problems, I'm afraid I'll spend my whole life paying for them.