DAMAGED GOODS

[[ma...]]

I am a veteran of many wars.  In 1998, after trying every SSRI available, my psych prescribed 4mg (daily) of Clonazepam.  Fast forward to 2 Sept 2019, I told him I could not sleep...he added 30 mg of Restoril.  I became a zombie, so a month later, I asked him to cut the Restoril to 15mg.  On 2 Sept 2019, I began tapering Clonazepam. I currently use 15mg of Restoril and 1.5mg Clonazepam at night.  This taper was the single, hardest thing I ever did alone.  No one told me that in time, I would live in a world that is often unreal, sad, and lonely.  Last week I entered an inpatient rehab and 4-days later was released as “DETOXED.”  I returned the next day because I felt really sick and was told to “tough it out” as it would be a while before I felt normal again.  That same day, I called an outpatient program and after talking to 6-different people, was told I would get a call back in 24-hours.  Four days later they called to tell me I needed an inpatient doc referral. That afternoon, as I prepared to get said referral, I had a grand-mal seizure, ended in the ER, they contacted my psych, and I got intravenous benzos. I left the hospital confused with prescriptions for 15mg Restoril and 1.5mg Clonazepam.  I am taking them because that short rehab experience was a death sentence.  No one understands how difficult it was for me to cut back alone, and no one understands that having no benzos 4-days later DOES NOT mean you are ok.  I feel unreal, nothing gives me pleasure, and lost 50-pounds since Sept.  I AM DAMAGED GOODS:  wondering how in the world this happened to a man who survived so many wars, with a loving family, who loved life, was fit, and still looks to God for help.  I am not looking for sympathy: I just want out of this trap. It took me a day to write this: thank you for reading it.

[[Pa...]]

Hello martini1, Welcome to BenzoBuddies!

 

Your story breaks my heart, I can hear and more importantly feel your bewilderment and pain, I'm so sorry for your suffering.  We have so many members that want to give up and go into detox thinking it will be the answer, but your experience once again affirms my belief that there are no shortcuts to this.  What happened to you should never have happened!

 

If you have a moment, please take a look at The Ashton Manual, it will help you understand what is happening to you and chapter 3 will list your symptoms and why you feel them. 

 

We can help you, but as you've probably figured out, a slow, carefully managed taper is your best hope and we can help you do it.  If you'll take a look at the  Planning Your Withdrawal (Taper Plans) board, you'll see the methods we support and when you're ready, please post on the Withdrawal Support (during your taper) board to talk with others who understand exactly what you're going through. 

 

You are damaged goods at the moment, but you're obviously a survivor and you will survive this as well.  It's also possible to thrive when you recover from this, most people who do find a new joy for life and a deep gratitude to be well again, I hope this for you.

 

Please let us know how we can help you.

 

Pamster

 

[[ma...]]

Thanks for the quick reply.  I perused the Ashton Manual and will read the same in its entirety.  I already know my doctor will not switch me to Valium: I asked him some time ago, and he said that he would need to give me a lot more Valium [equivalent pills] than the number of pills I am taking now, so I need to keep tapering with the pills I have.  Coming down from 4mg of Clonazepam to 1.5 and from 30mg of Temazepam to 15 at the same time over a 6-month period was PURE TORTURE. The truth is that I am still enduring side effects from that taper, so I need to carefully plan my next step.  Regardless, I am highly motivated, and there is no turning back.  Other than suggestions to increase the dosage to end my restless restless nights and depersonalization, I will pay close attention to any and all advice. 

 

If anyone has experience with tapering from a combination of capsules such as Temazepam and pills such as Clonazepam, it would help me to know how they were able to begin tapering and/ or ended their dependence.  Should I continue to taper both benzos at once, or one at a time?  If I am to quit one at a time, which benzo should I taper first and how?  Any and all ideas are treasured.   

[[Pa...]]

You won't get many suggestions around here to go up in dose, so no worries about that.    Not many Dr's are comfortable switching their patients to Valium but fortunately, Clonazepam has a fairly long half life, so that will help.  Speaking of that, I would suggest tapering only one benzo at a time, and since Temazepam has the shorter half life of the two, that seems the most logical to taper first.

 

Lets not rush into beginning to taper again if you're still reeling from your last efforts, unless you're worried about your supply of pills.  It's important to start again from a stable place, hopefully you can get there.  And this time, it needs to be super slow, we have members who will taper for years in order to remain fully functional in their lives.

 

I'd suggest starting a thread on the direct taper board to get the most suggestions for the way forward.  And I see you put some info into your signature line.  What we'd really like to see is your medication history, what dose you're on, what drugs, and maybe for how long.  This helps members to see at a glance where you are without having to go back through your posts. 

 

 

[[ka...]]

Martin,

 

Thank you for your service. Please reach out if need be.

[[ma...]]

You are so welcome.  Thank you for honoring my service.

[[...]]

martini1,

 

I wanted to write to encourage you.  I was a long term (13 year) user of Clonazepam (Klonopin) and I also was given Temazepam for a short period.  I was given all this for sleep troubles and anxiety.

 

You have good reason to hope.  I was able to stop the benzos and I am nearly recovered.

 

All that said, I want to give you a heads up.

 

For some people, tapering off these drugs leaves you with insomnia.  I am 17 months past my taper and only now can I said I can sleep pretty well.  I had to do many things - many tricks - to get enough sleep so I could continue to go to work.

 

Are you still employed?  Are you still raising kids?

[[ma...]]

Thank you for reaching out to me.  I am sorry for not replying earlier, but I did not see your note until today (not sure why).  To answer your question, I retired from the military, my children are grown, and have left the nest.

 

I am currently on .5mg of Clonazepam twice a day and 15mg of Restoril every third night.  I have tried every method suggested here for tapering and accepted that my taper from Clonazepam will take very long.  I have cut the Restoril somewhat aggressively because within 30-minutes after waking-up, I develop severe anxiety.  Still, I take it because at some point, I must sleep regardless of whether or not the next day will be difficult. 

 

It took me nearly 6-months to reduce the Clonazepam by only .05mg (to 1mg per day). You are correct: for the most part, if I sleep 3-hours on any given night (even on Restoril), I have slept a lot.  Some nights, I am not sure that I slept at all.  Those "questionable nights" are challenging because the next day, I develop severe headaches and feel depressed.  After a few days of persistent headaches, depression, and no sleep, I feel exhausted.

 

I made several attempts to jump off completely...at times, it seems that a taper simply prolongs the suffering.  Unfortunately, my body and mind will not let me stop longer than 2-days.  I now throw away any extra pills I have not used that month for fear that one day I will give-up and return to the 4mg of Clonazepam and 30mg of Restoril prescribed originally.  My psychiatrist does not support my taper, but some part of me wants off these pills (they no longer work). 

 

Thank you for reaching out to me: stories like yours fill me with hope.  Sometimes, hope is all that keeps me going.  I will get off...but, as you already know, it will not be easy.

 

 

 

 

[[Pa...]]

It's good to see you again martini, I hope you'll come around more often. 

 

I know it seems as if a taper just prolongs your agony but it's just about the only tool we have to remain functional as we work to get off of them.  We can support you as you do this, we understand some in the medical community don't subscribe to slow tapers but this is because not everyone will have a difficult time getting off of benzo's, they want to lump us all in one category but it doesn't work that way, we may be outliers which puts us at a disadvantage.

 

I would advise against trying to quit cold turkey then going back on the drug, your brain needs consistency and putting yourself through this can have ramifications which may increase your suffering in the long term. 

[[tr...]]

Martini: I am ready to cry at your story...these detox facilities do so much harm. I am so sorry.

 

You are not damaged goods. This journey is challenging but so many recover so please cling to the hope of that.

As a social worker it breaks my heart as I hear how many veterans do not get the help they need, and the VA mismanages so many with psyche meds...

Thank you for your service.

 

Lots of support here and good information too.

 

Again..you are NOT damaged goods.

[[Sh...]]

Hi Martin you have come to the right place, I have only just joined and there are some lovely people here that have walked this path before us ready to help. You are not alone x I wish you all the very best for your taper x you deserve much more from your healthcare system for your service x

[[...]]

I am a veteran of many wars.  In 1998, after trying every SSRI available, my psych prescribed 4mg (daily) of Clonazepam.  Fast forward to 2 Sept 2019, I told him I could not sleep...he added 30 mg of Restoril.  I became a zombie, so a month later, I asked him to cut the Restoril to 15mg.  On 2 Sept 2019, I began tapering Clonazepam. I currently use 15mg of Restoril and 1.5mg Clonazepam at night.  This taper was the single, hardest thing I ever did alone.  No one told me that in time, I would live in a world that is often unreal, sad, and lonely.  Last week I entered an inpatient rehab and 4-days later was released as “DETOXED.”  I returned the next day because I felt really sick and was told to “tough it out” as it would be a while before I felt normal again.  That same day, I called an outpatient program and after talking to 6-different people, was told I would get a call back in 24-hours.  Four days later they called to tell me I needed an inpatient doc referral. That afternoon, as I prepared to get said referral, I had a grand-mal seizure, ended in the ER, they contacted my psych, and I got intravenous benzos. I left the hospital confused with prescriptions for 15mg Restoril and 1.5mg Clonazepam.  I am taking them because that short rehab experience was a death sentence.  No one understands how difficult it was for me to cut back alone, and no one understands that having no benzos 4-days later DOES NOT mean you are ok.  I feel unreal, nothing gives me pleasure, and lost 50-pounds since Sept.  I AM DAMAGED GOODS:  wondering how in the world this happened to a man who survived so many wars, with a loving family, who loved life, was fit, and still looks to God for help.  I am not looking for sympathy: I just want out of this trap. It took me a day to write this: thank you for reading it.

Martini1,

Do not be discouraged if you have to go back on benzo to get stable.  It is common.  It takes a long, slow taper to come off benzos.  It took me nearly a year of slowly reducing my drug.  So if you get back on the benzos, we can share how slow of a taper you should do.

[[ma...]]

Trina75,

 

Thank you for your words. I am proud of my service, and would do it again.  I used the term "damaged goods" because probably unknowingly, doctors who took care of me after discharge caused me a great deal of damage.  When I left active duty years ago, nearly everyone I served with seemed damaged in some way.  The most common treatment was to administer large doses of opiate painkillers and benzos. I chose to end my dependence on opiates long before coming to this forum, and although that was difficult, it does not compare to coming off Clonazepam.  Here I sit this early morning wondering when, if ever, my body and mind will return to "normal."  Everything seems difficult. It is difficult to live feeling uncertain about a future where anxiety, lack of sleep, and a constant feeling of dread rule every moment of the day. That is not to say that when I was taking large amounts of painkillers and tranquilizers life was perfect, but it seemed okay for some time.  The odd thing is that they stopped working, and from the moment I realized that more was not the answer, my mind has been in turmoil (I do not know another word but turmoil to describe how I feel). Thank you so much for your time.  Your positive energy touched me and it makes a big difference in that it gives me hope.

[[Aj...]]

You are not damaged goods!

And you are certainly not alone.

 

You might want to watch this vets videos:

 

She is also featured in the Medicating Normal film that is currently being shown online now and again:

 

https://medicatingnormal.com/