Slowly going crazy

[[Pi...]]

After multiple attempts by doctors since the age of 13 to treat severe OCD and panic and major depressive disorder I was finally put on first ativan which I soon became too tolerant of and then finally clonazepam......it started with 0.5mg....i'm now on 5 mg a day. A DAY.  Surgery has become extremely hard because sedation for me is next to impossible.  In addition, I've had multiple (too many to count) overdoses, not because I wanted to die, I knew I couldn't as I have a honours pre-med degree but because I just wanted to get the same feeling.  Since being on benzos my eyesight no longer works normally. I have permanent night blindness, my dose is now too low...if i miss my dose for 2 days straight I go into full on Parkinson's symptoms scary enough that ER's won't even let me wait in the waiting room as they terrify the other patients.  I become dissociated, completely detached from reality.  My doctors have concluded that while they want to decrease my dose after 15+ years its just not possible.  At this point I think my only solution is to UP the dose but when will it stop?  There has been attempts at trying medical cannabis (ideally high in CBD or edibles with a strong indica component) however I have developed such severe GI problems along with Fibromyalgia and Endometriosis as well as discovering I've long suffered with previously undiagnosed complex-PTSD with a seizure component (non epileptic trauma seizures from emotional flashbacks).    My panic attacks are getting more profound.  My ability to make decisions is shot. My eyesight is deteriorating as I've developed a specific degeneration in the lens of my eyes where like a camera they can't focus properly. I will never drive.  I will likely due to all my medical problems be on disability for the rest of my natural life.  I've come to terms with that however I'm terrified of my psychiatric meds not working. I have a therapist. I go to hospital where i'm on a long long long wait list for treatment.  I just need people to listen to me.  I need to find people to talk to when i'm crawling out of my skin because even on my high dose that I can't function.  I have no doubt that this was a hail Mary from the medical community for me. I was suicidal since the age of 6 so the drugs saved my life but on the flip side now the instances of me overdosing is becoming more common such that I don't know what to do.  I know what my doctor says but I don't think he gets that i'm way way too tolerant at my current dose and am experiencing protracted injury.  He keeps adding to the mix seroquel and prozac and god I've been on so many many meds I could write a text book.

 

I just need some like minded people who "get it" you know?  Rest assured, while I fully admit I have both suicidal ideations and a history of self harm this is something I discuss with my therapist and psychiatrists I see or crisis interventionists when needed. I do not promote nor condone this behaviour however I do know that a lot of it is likely due to the protracted injury I struggle with.

 

thanks for reading my little essay submission.

 

 

[[Co...]]

Hello PixieGirlChris,

 

Welcome to the BenzoBuddies Community.

 

I apologise for the brief welcome message from me - we are a little short-handed at the moment. Though I am sure you will receive help and support from the wider community.

 

Good luck.

 

Colin.

[[Li...]]

OH sweetie.  I read your post a couple of times.  The depth of your situation is daunting, to say the least.  I can offer no advice other than to say that perhaps new medical personnel with fresh eyes might offer you a new direction.  Even medical professionals will admit that drugs like Seroquel and Prozac have no proven effectiveness for ALL people.  It's often trial and lots of error.  The mixing of all these drugs can complicate things so very much.  Perhaps a new doctor would show you the way.

 

The people here are caring and full of knowledge.  I wish you much success in your journey.  There is an answer out there for you.  Keep looking until you find it.  In the meantime, know that you are not alone.

 

Grandma Libble

 

 

[[Aj...]]

This is not medical advice and you need to discuss this with a Neuro or shrink but if you can’t taper down atm and can’t keep going g up this is what a I have discovered.

 

 

The last thing my Neuro tried me on was Topirimate to try to deal with withdrawals but I am sensitive to everything now even toothpaste so caused same paradoxical stuff as Benzos but maybe it would work for you!

 

I know two people with ME/CFS who were unable to get off of Clonazepam who take Memantine and say it stopped all to.erence effects and interdose WD and allowed them to even lower the dose so maybe that is an option?

 

I can’t get that prescribed off label in UK but have tried it before things got so bad and it did help the couple of times I took it.

 

Other thing Neuro has suggested is a Lamictal but scared of that.

[[es...]]

Oh, sweetie, you are not crazy. You are in withdrawal from a powerful drug. I agree that you need a more knowledgeable provider. I can’t offer medical advice, but I am here for support. Please feel free to pm. Love, Espy