Does Anyone remember their life on benzos?

[[su...]]

My mind and memory on benzos was shot day to day. It was like I was coasting through life slightly high on them for seven years. It's so strange now because I can barely remember the last seven years. I remember some prominent stuff that happened and like where I was living buts its like I have no happy memories to look back on. I was happy but I can't remember any of it. Its all a blur but I guess looking back most of my life is a blur. This is very unlike me I used to remember my whole life very specifically. Maybe this is all just part of the extreme brain fog I have but I wonder if my life especially my time on benzos will be permanently erased.

[[Ma...]]

The more time goes by, the more I remember. Sadly. I remember that I have been a zombie, my creativity totally killed, numb.. and I remember the pain in my heart, the belief that I was wrong, that I was the mistake and the poisoned feeling I had all the time like I would die. And I remember so many situations when I had to leave a party, a room, when I was not able to make love, to enjoy things... so so sad

I am fighting with these memories lately. I try to let them come and go, but it's hurtful.

[[Mr...]]

Marigold are those memories from being on Benzo or before the benzos .    You think I will get my memory back I was on  Ativan for 6 weeks before this nightmare

[[Gw...]]

I took Valium for about decade, right when I first graduated college, got married, moved to a new town, and started my teaching career. It's like remembering someone else's life. My life now looks completely different from my life then. I feel very disconnected from my past self, and my memories of that decade are one big blur. What I do remember, I'm not proud of. I was really checked out of my own life, just floating along the path of least resistance. As I recover cognitive function, some of it is coming back in these vivid sensory and emotional impressions. Everything is familiar, but distant and distorted.  It makes my efforts to rebuild all the more important.

[[th...]]

I took Valium for about decade, right when I first graduated college, got married, moved to a new town, and started my teaching career. It's like remembering someone else's life. My life now looks completely different from my life then. I feel very disconnected from my past self, and my memories of that decade are one big blur. What I do remember, I'm not proud of. I was really checked out of my own life, just floating along the path of least resistance. As I recover cognitive function, some of it is coming back in these vivid sensory and emotional impressions. Everything is familiar, but distant and distorted.  It makes my efforts to rebuild all the more important.

 

So important. Well said!

[[Pe...]]

Weirdly enough clonazepam helped my creativity. After a dose I could write all night and I had lots of ideas. The next day I’d wake up and feel like it was all a dream. The benzos made me a different person after I took it. It wasn’t all bad but it turns out the good wasn’t worth the bad.

[[Ma...]]

Marigold are those memories from being on Benzo or before the benzos .    You think I will get my memory back I was on  Ativan for 6 weeks before this nightmare

 

These are memories from the time when I still took benzos. When I was in early withdrawal I could not remember. Now I have healed a lot more and I can remember correctly how it was to be poly-drugged. Horrible. But I am very proud of myself, too and I love myself and I am thankful that I have been so brave, patient and persistent in that time. Unbelievable that I did a 5 year long taper and survived the 3 years after. Wow..

[[al...]]

I used to always pride myself with having a crystal clear memory, but that completely went out the window while taking benzos. It didn't help that I was drinking socially while taking them either. I will say that over time though, the memories have slowly come back as I've progressed through WD. The whole time of being on benzos was such a strange and dark time that in all honestly, I would be completely OK with forgetting the worst parts of it which is most of that time. Like other people said, I feel like I was a different person while on them and part of the whole WD journey feels like letting that old self die and integrating into a newer and better version of yourself. It's just frustrating that it takes such a long time for the whole process to correct itself.

[[su...]]

Marigold1 Its so odd it kills creativity. I pretty much define myself as a creative person and mine is gone now. I can't think at all with the brain fog let alone creatively. That is during w/d. Thats interesting yours disappeared on the meds. I was studying painting while on them and still pretty creative though I think I would have retained more information off them. If anything they made me a little more fearless to think I could learn to paint.

 

alichino I also used to pride myself on having a crystal clear memory and on benzos it was shot but I would just take another and forget about it.

 

Yeah most of the memories I have on them are regrets of my behavior. The last several years on them my behavior got even more extreme. They lowered my inhibitions and made me tell people off left and right. I've never been like that in my life. I stirred up lots of trouble for myself with people I know and I'm still paying for it. Not saying maybe they didn't deserve being told off by their behavior but its so unlike me to stir up trouble and now I have them all shunning me which makes me feel horrible. I blew up social media with crazy posts when usually I'm too shy to post at all now most people I know on there ignore me. They stole from me any small life I have.

This was 100 % me on benzos especially the past several years. From the Aston manual.

"A paradoxical increase in hostility and aggression may be reported by patients taking benzodiazepines. The effects range from talkativeness and excitement, to aggressive and antisocial acts. Adjustment of the dose (up or down) usually attenuates the impulses. Increased anxiety and perceptual disorders are other paradoxical effects. Increased hostility and aggression after barbiturates and alcohol usually indicates intoxication.~Aston"

[[Gr...]]

I really like Gwinna's response to this question.  I feel so similar.  Much of my life feels like a dream or a story I read.  I feel like an impostor in my life now and I'm annoyed and confused by decisions I made in the past.  It takes a lot of effort to remember some things.  Although, I do seem to remember a lot of awful things, or maybe every awful thing?  LOL.  When I remember those things, it feels like me remembering being a victim, even though, that's not always what was happening. 

 

One thing that frustrates me a lot, is why I did things. I can't seem to remember my decision making process or I guess I am just thinking that the me now, would not make those same decisions that I made on benzos.  I don't like a lot of the things I did.  I had less empathy and was selfish and mean. 

[[th...]]

I really like Gwinna's response to this question.  I feel so similar.  Much of my life feels like a dream or a story I read.  I feel like an impostor in my life now and I'm annoyed and confused by decisions I made in the past.  It takes a lot of effort to remember some things.  Although, I do seem to remember a lot of awful things, or maybe every awful thing?  LOL.  When I remember those things, it feels like me remembering being a victim, even though, that's not always what was happening. 

 

One thing that frustrates me a lot, is why I did things. I can't seem to remember my decision making process or I guess I am just thinking that the me now, would not make those same decisions that I made on benzos.  I don't like a lot of the things I did.  I had less empathy and was selfish and mean.

 

And I feel your response... I totally feel like an imposter. And, I tend to magnify the negative things that I've done. I know I've done some good things, but they are harder to pull up in the memory.

 

I made some financial decisions that I may never recover from. And, I was selfish and mean. And when I start thinking about those things, my anxiety ramps up really quickly.

 

I want to process those things in a healthy manner. Dwelling on them when I'm awake at 3am is not they way to do it.

[[Gw...]]

I really like Gwinna's response to this question.  I feel so similar.  Much of my life feels like a dream or a story I read.  I feel like an impostor in my life now and I'm annoyed and confused by decisions I made in the past.  It takes a lot of effort to remember some things.  Although, I do seem to remember a lot of awful things, or maybe every awful thing?  LOL.  When I remember those things, it feels like me remembering being a victim, even though, that's not always what was happening. 

 

One thing that frustrates me a lot, is why I did things. I can't seem to remember my decision making process or I guess I am just thinking that the me now, would not make those same decisions that I made on benzos.  I don't like a lot of the things I did.  I had less empathy and was selfish and mean.

 

And I feel your response... I totally feel like an imposter. And, I tend to magnify the negative things that I've done. I know I've done some good things, but they are harder to pull up in the memory.

 

I made some financial decisions that I may never recover from. And, I was selfish and mean. And when I start thinking about those things, my anxiety ramps up really quickly.

 

I want to process those things in a healthy manner. Dwelling on them when I'm awake at 3am is not they way to do it.

 

WOW. I relate to this SO MUCH. I just handled an awkward situation with way more integrity than I would have when I was still on the pills. It took a little extra effort to care about doing it right, but now I'm proud of myself. I was just reflecting on that growth when I found this thread. Thanks, BBs.

 

Gwinna

[[th...]]

I really like Gwinna's response to this question.  I feel so similar.  Much of my life feels like a dream or a story I read.  I feel like an impostor in my life now and I'm annoyed and confused by decisions I made in the past.  It takes a lot of effort to remember some things.  Although, I do seem to remember a lot of awful things, or maybe every awful thing?  LOL.  When I remember those things, it feels like me remembering being a victim, even though, that's not always what was happening. 

 

One thing that frustrates me a lot, is why I did things. I can't seem to remember my decision making process or I guess I am just thinking that the me now, would not make those same decisions that I made on benzos.  I don't like a lot of the things I did.  I had less empathy and was selfish and mean.

 

And I feel your response... I totally feel like an imposter. And, I tend to magnify the negative things that I've done. I know I've done some good things, but they are harder to pull up in the memory.

 

I made some financial decisions that I may never recover from. And, I was selfish and mean. And when I start thinking about those things, my anxiety ramps up really quickly.

 

I want to process those things in a healthy manner. Dwelling on them when I'm awake at 3am is not they way to do it.

 

WOW. I relate to this SO MUCH. I just handled an awkward situation with way more integrity than I would have when I was still on the pills. It took a little extra effort to care about doing it right, but now I'm proud of myself. I was just reflecting on that growth when I found this thread. Thanks, BBs.

 

Gwinna

 

That's good news, Gwinna!

[[Tr...]]

Thank you for your stories. Then I know I'm not alone! 

 

Since I got Benzo on prescription, and never raised the dose, I thought everything was ok. But it wasn't.

 

When I was younger I was shy and so afraid of conflicts. But then I was changed. I got angry and upset for small things. Why call the police?    I was not afraid, everything was exciting challenges. So I'm glad I'm alive.

 

I also had a hard time learning new things. But now it is completely different. So my brain was changed by Benzo in a negative way.