Going to a 28 day rehab tomorrow

[[No...]]

I know this isn't necessarily advisable, but tomorrow I am going to a 28 day rehab facility. They will detox me, but not cold turkey me. I'm scared to death to go, but I'm scared to death to not go. I am afraid. Afraid of not feeling better, afraid of never getting back to myself. This morning I was suicidal and just couldn't get up and go through the day again. Every day I put my full amount of positivity into myself and day and nothing changes. I wake up in the morning with the same sense of dread that hit me around Christmas last year, about two months into taking Ativan. The benzos have caused me to become depressed, which I never was until benzos came into my life. I have been hospitalized twice, and the new psych I got after the hospital, an Addiction Specialist, has really done nothing besides give me a high dose of 80 mg Prozac and put me on Seroquel. She diagnosed me with PMDD, which I'm sure I have, so last week I got out my Mirena and started taking Nikki, which is the generic form of Yaz. I have been a complete wreck since then. I've had horrible nausea and what feels like PMS although my period is weeks away. The doctor says it will take a couple of months to work. I have been allowed to taper by 5% starting last week, but there are no plans to move forward with the taper.  My doc just keeps saying I'm not ready. I've just lost faith. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results. I was driving myself back to the hospital this morning and just decided I wasn't going back there. I'm doing something different. To those who pray, please pray for me, and if you're just spiritual, please send out some positive vibes that this will go somewhat smoothly. Thanks bbs.

[[ne...]]

You will learn a LOT in rehab! At least I did  take it as a chance to learn and focus on yourself while they help reduce your medication. We'll be here when you get out for support and advice to help you stay sober and continue your journey of self improvement. It takes a great deal of humility to do what you are are doing, so be proud of yourself for that.

 

This is the beginning of 'the new you', a new life filled with wisdom and joy!

 

na- 

[[Ja...]]

Just make sure you have proper expectations. Some think the faster you come off the longer your recovery. I personally don’t know if that is true or not. I did a 5 or 6 week taper and am doing pretty good at 8 months off. I expect to make a full recovery by the 12-18 month mark. If I wasn’t tapering Remeron right now I think I’d be doing even better. Just understand that a 28 day taper ain’t much better than a cold turkey. It will prevent seizures but other than that it’s going to feel like a CT.

Best of luck!

 

[[No...]]

You will learn a LOT in rehab! At least I did  take it as a chance to learn and focus on yourself while they help reduce your medication. We'll be here when you get out for support and advice to help you stay sober and continue your journey of self improvement. It takes a great deal of humility to do what you are are doing, so be proud of yourself for that.

 

This is the beginning of 'the new you', a new life filled wisdom and joy!

 

na- 

 

Thank you. I'm going to take full advantage of it. I never once abused the prescription the doctor gave me, nevertheless, I need off the medicine. I am hoping when I get there tomorrow I will be filled with hope and optimism and not the fear and anxiety I am feeling now.

[[No...]]

Just make sure you have proper expectations. Some think the faster you come off the longer your recovery. I personally don’t know if that is true or not. I did a 5 or 6 week taper and am doing pretty good at 8 months off. I expect to make a full recovery by the 12-18 month mark. If I wasn’t tapering Remeron right now I think I’d be doing even better. Just understand that a 28 day taper ain’t much better than a cold turkey. It will prevent seizures but other than that it’s going to feel like a CT.

Best of luck!

 

Thanks for the reply. I've only been taking it for less than a year, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I have had a summer full of medicine instability...starting in Spring crossed from Zoloft to Lexapro while still on 2 mg Ativan, then Lexapro with Ativan, then Lexapro with Ativan and Valium, hospitalized, Lexapro, Librium and Seroquel, Prozac, Librium and Seroquel, Serax, Prozac and Seroquel and now Klonopin, Seroquel, Prozac 80 mg, Yaz and Zofran. It's just been too much. Hopefully they can at least help weed some of these medications out of my body. I carry around what I refer to as my "drug bag". All of this after last fall, asking to be put on a new anti-depressant after being on Zoloft only for 16 years. Everything went downhill fast. I'm not sure how it happened and I'm not sure how to get back to me. My new doctor, who is an Addiction Specialist, says I can't get off benzos like normal people. She said it will take me 10 months. She just met me in June. I don't know how she knows that. I'm not saying it will be easy, but she has scared me to death about this process.

[[Ja...]]

I only took Xanax for 6 months. I got very sick from it. I am 8 months post taper and still having symptoms. I have no history of depression or anxiety. I was taking it for sleep. I’m not telling you bot to go, I am just making sure you fully understand what benzo withdrawal CAN be. It may be different for you. We are all different. If you have tried to taper from home and could not handle the symptoms then the reality is that it probably won’t be all that different. I can’t imagine having done a long drawn out taper considering the severity of my tolerance withdrawal. You may find this way easier as well. Just be prepared to have someone to care for you when you get out. They switched me direct to Ativan and I tapered as an outpatient for around 5 or 6 weeks. I could not walk for the first couple of months. Remember benzo withdrawal is not a withdrawal it is a disabiliity, it’s brain/CNS damage. You will heal. I just want to make sure you know what you are signing up for.

[[Ba...]]

Dear NMNG,

Just want you to know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Go easy on yourself and just take it one day at a time. Many of us have been in that place you are at. Please research the YAZ pill, it is what started my depression before I ever took a benzo. I never had depression issues before I took that pill and then I started have depression so deep and dark I could not function. Talk to your Dr about it, Yaz doesn't affect everyone adversely but it sure did a number on me.  Sending you strength, hope and healing. Please stay in touch

[[No...]]

I only took Xanax for 6 months. I got very sick from it. I am 8 months post taper and still having symptoms. I have no history of depression or anxiety. I was taking it for sleep. I’m not telling you bot to go, I am just making sure you fully understand what benzo withdrawal CAN be. It may be different for you. We are all different. If you have tried to taper from home and could not handle the symptoms then the reality is that it probably won’t be all that different. I can’t imagine having done a long drawn out taper considering the severity of my tolerance withdrawal. You may find this way easier as well. Just be prepared to have someone to care for you when you get out. They switched me direct to Ativan and I tapered as an outpatient for around 5 or 6 weeks. I could not walk for the first couple of months. Remember benzo withdrawal is not a withdrawal it is a disabiliity, it’s brain/CNS damage. You will heal. I just want to make sure you know what you are signing up for.

 

Thank you. I do know what withdrawal is like. When they switched me from 30 mg to 15 mg Librium, I had two of the most vivid and disturbing nightmares. They stayed with me for weeks and I was a blubbering mess. I am hoping ripping off the band-aid will be better than this stupid cat and mouse business my doctor is putting me through.

[[No...]]

Dear NMNG,

Just want you to know that I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Go easy on yourself and just take it one day at a time. Many of us have been in that place you are at. Please research the YAZ pill, it is what started my depression before I ever took a benzo. I never had depression issues before I took that pill and then I started have depression so deep and dark I could not function. Talk to your Dr about it, Yaz doesn't affect everyone adversely but it sure did a number on me.  Sending you strength, hope and healing. Please stay in touch

 

BS,

 

I was just reading some of your old posts about PMDD earlier today and thought about messaging you. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. This past week on "Nikki" has been absolutely terrible--high anxiety and depression. I feel like my brain has been hijacked by all these medications. I was fully expecting the doctor to tell me to stop taking it yesterday when I went in, but she said to keep taking it and it would even itself out in a couple months. I think that's part of why I woke up this morning feeling so hopeless. Just thinking about her taper lasting over 10 months and then the couple of months it will take for my PMDD to supposedly be lessened by Yaz/Nikki. I have already had one terrible year. I know this stuff lasts a long time for a lot of people, but I honestly don't think I could make it through. I don't want to not be alive and not be with my family, leaving my children. This cocktail of medications was leading me there, which is absolutely senseless.

 

As I said earlier, this all started because the Zoloft (only prescription I was on) I had been taking for 16 years stopped working. All I wanted was a new anti-depressant and here I am.

[[Ja...]]

I am not trying to make you nervous although I understand that what I am saying may have that effect. I agree with the rip the band aid off type method. Obviously cold turkey is too dangerous. I just think the old mantra “Hope for the best, prepare for the worst” applies here. You may come out of this thing completely disabled even though it is likely temporary. I missed over 90 days of work without pay during the worst of my situation. Just make sure all your ducks are in a row before you roll the dice on this is all I am saying. I am sincerely wishing you the best of luck.

 

Also, no one hates you for this decision. Remember you are the victim here and have nothing to apoligize for.

[[Ba...]]

Dear NMNG,

 

What you are going thru is a lot for your brain to handle. The hormone changes from the nikki  and cutting/tapering a benzo at the same time. I will mention this to you, when Dr Coleman spoke with me and my Psych dr ( who is an assistant Prof of Chemical and drug dependence at UAMS) He stressed the need to stablize on my current dose of benzo before i did anything in Richmond. I didnt think that was possible bc i was so ill, but my psych dr agreed and i stopped tapering and was stable after 6 weeks. I  had no PMDD before my Gyno put me on Yaz. I was on Yaz for 11 months (for skin acne, my gyno said it was a miracle drug) and during that time was put on and taken off 2 AD. The second being Zoloft, had my 1st panic attack the second day on Zoloft and stopped taking per an ER dr's order. God! what a mess I was(SMH). The panic attacks didnt stop after I discontinued the Zoloft, they stayed with me. That was October and I saw my original psych dr the following Febuary. I was having panic attacks and brain zaps all day long and wasn't on anything but Yaz. I was 42 years old then, I'm 55 years old now. Its hard to figure out what caused what, so go slow and consider your options and resources. Second opinions for second opinions can be very valuable. Please stay in touch, you aren't alone.

 

[[No...]]

Dear NMNG,

 

What you are going thru is a lot for your brain to handle. The hormone changes from the nikki  and cutting/tapering a benzo at the same time. I will mention this to you, when Dr Coleman spoke with me and my Psych dr ( who is an assistant Prof of Chemical and drug dependence at UAMS) He stressed the need to stablize on my current dose of benzo before i did anything in Richmond. I didnt think that was possible bc i was so ill, but my psych dr agreed and i stopped tapering and was stable after 6 weeks. I  had no PMDD before my Gyno put me on Yaz. I was on Yaz for 11 months (for skin acne, my gyno said it was a miracle drug) and during that time was put on and taken off 2 AD. The second being Zoloft, had my 1st panic attack the second day on Zoloft and stopped taking per an ER dr's order. God! what a mess I was(SMH). The panic attacks didnt stop after I discontinued the Zoloft, they stayed with me. That was October and I saw my original psych dr the following Febuary. I was having panic attacks and brain zaps all day long and wasn't on anything but Yaz. I was 42 years old then, I'm 55 years old now. Its hard to figure out what caused what, so go slow and consider your options and resources. Second opinions for second opinions can be very valuable. Please stay in touch, you aren't alone.

 

You sound like me, sensitive to meds. I am stable on benzos--I believe this "cocktail" of Prozac, Seroquel, Klonopin and Yaz (and now Zofran is thrown in there) is screwing up my brain. The 5% taper really didn't bother me at all over the last week--I was surprised. The reason I knew it was hormonal was because my boobs are super sore and I had the same morning sickness-like nausea I had when I was pregnant with all three of my kids. It felt like I was pregnant. I had none of the withdrawal symptoms I had when my doc cut me down from 30 mg to 15 mg Librium overnight or when she cut my 1.5 mg Klonopin by 1/3. I totally felt withdrawal those two times and it was a total nightmare.

 

This morning was terrible, though. I have had these same terrible spells since before my first hospitalization, so I know it's not really due to the 5% reduction. I have texts between me and my old doctor when I was telling her almost verbatim that I did not want to be on Ativan anymore and that I felt like my body was having a bad reaction to it. I am up and down, up and down every day and this has not really changed at all since February/March.

 

I was driving myself to the same old hospital this morning, thinking of what a waste of time it was going to be. My psych is the medical director of the hospital...they would keep me there for around 8-10 days and I'd have to sit through the same coping skills discussions, plastic bracelet making classes and even more BS. I turned the car around and called the rehab place. I'm sure you've heard many times before that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different result. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting. Fighting, fighting, fighting. Running six miles a day, going to yoga classes, playing tennis, anything to get my endorphins up and keep a positive can-do attitude while taking care of three boys. I am just TIRED.

 

I am ready to get to this facility and kick these benzos ass. It's stolen enough of my joy.

[[Ba...]]

NMNG,

 

Yes, I have always been sensitive to meds and I would definitely say I am sensitive to EVERYTHING these days! A lovely side affect from tapering for 2 years. But I am slowly healing, it is a slow process and given all that I have read in my ongoing research, a normal course of things given the situation. I think Jack hit the nail on the head when he said, "Hope for the best, but prepare for the worst". That is exactly how I approached my detox at Coleman. You have many positives in your favor, you are young, physically fit and have only been on a benzo a year. I will be keeping you in my prayers and hoping all goes in your favor. Try to stay strong and positive, those are 2 of the most powerful weapons that you control. Please let us know how you are doing when you have time and feel up to it. I care and want to hear from you.

 

Sending you Peace, Hope and Strength,

Baby-Steps

 

P.S. I have a son, 3 of him would have pushed me beyond exhaustion! You are a strong woman, don't forget that!!

[[ea...]]

If doing this makes you feel safer, do it. Not all rehabs are awful and for some people, being in a safer environment might help.

I spent 4 days in one and it was just awful. But your experience might be much better. I would LOVE to hear back from you when you get home.

east