Squalor

[[de...]]

I'm sitting in squalor.  Cant seem to make the connection between my brain and my hands.  Can't do housekeeping, AT ALL.  I look at it.  I'm no Stepford wife, but have always been clean.  I live alone. 

 

Things are improving for me mentally and physically, but still zero motivation to do housekeeping.  My conditions are disgusting.  Science experiment in my own fridge.  I'm embarressed.

 

I haven't lived here long and my neighbour is looking at me judgementally, and I can't explain this to her.  Tried a little, but I know she doesn't get it. 

 

I can't stand the judgement.  It makes things worse. 

 

A little support would go a long way. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

[[th...]]

I'm sitting in squalor.  Cant seem to make the connection between my brain and my hands.  Can't do housekeeping, AT ALL.  I look at it.  I'm no Stepford wife, but have always been clean.  I live alone. 

 

Things are improving for me mentally and physically, but still zero motivation to do housekeeping.  My conditions are disgusting.  Science experiment in my own fridge.  I'm embarressed.

 

I haven't lived here long and my neighbour is looking at me judgementally, and I can't explain this to her.  Tried a little, but I know she doesn't get it. 

 

I can't stand the judgement.  It makes things worse. 

 

A little support would go a long way. 

 

Dee

 

Hi Dee,

 

Well, I'm sitting here in a very dusty room... and I've been judged for it also.

 

You will be better someday and you will go back to being who you were. Just hang in there.

 

[[Ch...]]

For me housework (or anything else for awhile) was more a matter of ‘don’t want to’ than ‘can’t’.  I’d always been a go-getter, highly motivated person and was afraid that part of my nature might be gone for good.

 

It wasn’t gone.  The motivation came back in time.  In the meantime I did only what I had to do. 

[[de...]]

Thank you Think, and Challis. 

 

You are right Challis, more a matter of 'don't want to'.  So much energy poured into enduring this thing no room for anything else. 

 

Motivation will return, it will. 

 

Dee

[[un...]]

I'm sitting in squalor.  Cant seem to make the connection between my brain and my hands.  Can't do housekeeping, AT ALL.  I look at it.  I'm no Stepford wife, but have always been clean.  I live alone. 

 

Things are improving for me mentally and physically, but still zero motivation to do housekeeping.  My conditions are disgusting.  Science experiment in my own fridge.  I'm embarressed.

 

I haven't lived here long and my neighbour is looking at me judgementally, and I can't explain this to her.  Tried a little, but I know she doesn't get it. 

 

I can't stand the judgement.  It makes things worse. 

 

A little support would go a long way. 

 

Dee

 

Dee-

 

Yes, I live alone too, and what little motivation I had to do stuff around the house pretty-much dissipated when I finished tapering. I can still do a couple of chores a month. Every now and then, I may get a small burst of energy that I'll put to use, but I also have a few house repairs that I'm putting on hold 'cause I know that each will take more time than PAWS will allow. I reasoned that letting this stuff go 'til I recover doesn't make me a bad person or won't ruin my life any. So, no need to feel embarrassed.

 

Interacting with others while trying to explain my situation has been a mixed bag. Some get it while others do not. All I can say is that I honestly put myself out there and if they don't want to believe me, there's nothing else I can do and let it go. Sometimes easier said than done, but then that's PAWS for you.

 

In the end, don't be hard on yourself.

 

Feel better, Dee!

 

[[de...]]

Thanks unladen soul, your words mean a lot.

 

Gotta stop giving myself a hard time, this thing is too hard to do otherwise. 

 

Wishing you every good thing. 

 

Dee

 

[[Ca...]]

Dee, I hear ya too..!!

 

Buried in cobwebs..

Bogged in dust..

 

But I am cooking again..!!

 

Its a hard one to suffer, -Physically capable with much consideration and effort, but no “motivation” to start.. No reward for effort chemistry... The tide is just starting to turn for me again now, but the transition is hard, in the way that the want is stronger, but its still not quite happening.. -So am very frustrated..!!

 

I know it will get better, it has before, but I really appreciate the validation from you and everyones posts, -Thank you...

-Pls let me give back Hope.. I have had about 7yrs of this, on and off, with probably near half a dozen “cycles”..

 

For ME, the first thing I notice is getting a little “carried away” late in the evening (my better time, and past the expectation time)

Then I might do a “few” things while up, say cooking (even if only eggs n toast), like clean some cupboards or benches etc..  Slowly and frustratingly it grows..

One thing I found helps with bigger chores or tasks, is to get all the little preparation stuff done first, so its ready to sink ones teeth into at a moments notice, -kinda before I can think about it too much..

I do find the starting the hardest part.. But that is a bit fatigue and SX relative too..

-Thus I have a s**t load of cleaning products that have built up..!! Lol

 

I hope you see change soon.. -this can really get one down after a while, -its no small thing imo...

Just know its “chemical” and not the fundamental “You”...

 

Strength and best wishes..

 

[Guest [So...]]

I'm sitting in squalor.  Cant seem to make the connection between my brain and my hands.  Can't do housekeeping, AT ALL.  I look at it.  I'm no Stepford wife, but have always been clean.  I live alone. 

 

Things are improving for me mentally and physically, but still zero motivation to do housekeeping.  My conditions are disgusting.  Science experiment in my own fridge.  I'm embarressed.

 

I haven't lived here long and my neighbour is looking at me judgementally, and I can't explain this to her.  Tried a little, but I know she doesn't get it. 

 

I can't stand the judgement.  It makes things worse. 

 

A little support would go a long way. 

 

Dee

 

This is amazing to read, I used to be so organized and clean and now that’s the perfect word, squalor, for what I’m living in now.  My place is so gross I can’t even have friends over anymore and I used to all the time.  It’s like there are key connectors broken.  Is it ever going to end???  😧

[Guest [so...]]

I have an elderly friend who says that her mother always taught her to be "economical with the housework", i believe she was right.

[[or...]]

Dee, I had zero interest in housework. I cleaned the catboxes because I had to. Also the cats would have called their attorney and asked for protective custody if I hadn't. I did laundry because otherwise I would have had nothing to wear. Vacuuming? Nope. Dusting? Non.  Straightening? Nyet. Tossing out things that had grown fuzz in the fridge? Only if doing so prevented them from spawning and taking over my house. So, take heart my friend.

 

I do have to say, though, that although I still have little interest in housecleaning,  I am a bit better. Sigh. Maybe it's a protracted withdrawal symptom lol. I had a friend come to stay in June and truly, I hadn't dusted, vacuumed, or cleaned bathrooms for 6 months. I made a massive 3-day effort which will probably only get repeated if a friend comes to stay again. Ugh.

 

I'm a slob. Blame it on the benzos.

 

Untidily,

 

Katz 

[[de...]]

You guys are so beautiful, made me well up.  :'(.  You have helped me no end.  You made me laugh, too.  Thanks Oregonkatz. 

 

Just went to the kitchen and all I could see were crusts of toast and spent tea bags.  Dishes stacked in the sink.  There is something weird growing in a pot on the stove.  I keep using clean cutlery and crockery, and now there is none left, and I can't be f'd doing the dishes. 

 

I have the willingness, but it just doesn't happen.  There is absolutely no motivation, and the DP/DR doesn't help, it seems to put everything just out of reach. This is the most f'd up experience of my life.  Not just the housework, the whole wretched dealio.

 

Wanted to thank you all for your replies.  I am clinging to your words of wisdom and experience.  We WILL survive.  We Will recover. 

 

And as for my two little aussie mates Cantfly and Southern. 

 

  To everyone. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

[[de...]]

Love you Southern. 

 

"Economical with the housework......". 

 

You are one of the strongest women I know. 

 

Is your sight improving Southern?  I pray for it to return. 

 

Dee

[[pi...]]

I had a philosophy while going through withdrawal, "why do today what you can put off until tomorrow".

 

I did make lists of things I wanted to accomplish. I gave myself a pat on the back if I even got to one item on my list. 

 

Withdrawal is the time for self care and nurturing. The time to clean will come when you are ready, mentally and physically.

 

pianogirl 

[[Ja...]]

Lol. The refigerator comment made me laugh as it hit close to home. I am 8 months post taper and am tapering Remeron now. I finally cleaned my frige out a few weeks ago. My wife and I are on the rocks over this whole thing and some personal stuff. So she has been living at her mom’s since February. That situation is improving and she stays here sometimes now. But I have been in another slump the last couple of weeks and am way behind. It’s getting kinda nasty in here. I had a good window a couple months ago where I had this place clean every day. Even my waves aren’t intense like they were but after going to work I just have nothing left to give when I get home.

[[Te...]]

Wow, I can't even count the times my place was an utter mess. Dishes piled up for days on the counter and in the sink, dust everywhere. I didn't clean the bathroom for months, probably a year. Then, when I felt better, I'd clean up, but it would just get dirty again. I had few people over. It was just the cat and me.

 

I used to be a little OCD about the housework and making things clean, but in benzo withdrawal, it's very hard. Don't ever put yourself down for it.

 

I'm much better now, but I'm still not back to the way I was originally. Like everything else in the benzo mess, this takes time.

[[de...]]

Thank you Pianogirl, Jack, and Terry.

 

I'm really glad I posted, have always been too embarressed to admit I was living like this. 

 

I was always very clean and when my daughter was ill used travel to go clean her flat.  And now I can't even do my own. 

 

I'm glad your wife is coming back to stay over Jack.  Many things are lost to withdrawal making it all the more cruel.  Hoping that as you recover your marriage recovers as well.  You will a different person, the person you were before the dark days of withdrawal. 

 

I'm writing a list Pianogirl.  And tell your cat to clean out that litter tray Terry. 

 

Dee

[[Re...]]

A messy place is the least of your worries! Be kind to yourself ...

[[de...]]

 

Indeed, Restoration.  Indeed.

 

Dee

[[Do...]]

Oh, do you have me thinking Dee....My surroundings are a total reflection of my scrambled brain.  I was a little on the anal side of clean and organized pre w/d.  It was just how I operated thru life and now this???

Sonic mentioned a connection being messed up.  I am sure this is part of this 'squalor' effect.  I think 'The Squalor Effect' should be listed as a common sx of w/d.  You coined it Dee.

 

The other night , I had this period of clarity.  I looked at my desk (which you can only see a few inches of since is covered in clutter and crumbs.)  My brain started to look at the hundreds of objects piled around and easily figured out what to do with them. Relieved that I felt able to organize, I uncluttered for a little while but it was late and I went to bed.  Next morning I sat down at the unfinished desk area and I couldn't begin to reason or even care about finishing it.  My brain said 'not important.'  Once again, the clutter and filth had no motivating effect on me whatsoever.  Too many steps to sequence.  I wish it was only procrastination. 

Embrace the filth and chaos?  I guess for now.

 

 

[[de...]]

Oh, DovLuv, you have enhanced my self esteem no end in suggesting a "squalor effect". 

 

Sonic said it true, with the messed up connection.  I just can't seem to connect, no matter how hard I try. 

 

Exactly same for me, with your desk.  Sometimes, when feeling better I can plan/organise, but then it disappears overnight, within minutes sometimes. 

 

I am currently trying to get the dishes done.  I have no clean ones left.  I'm doing them in shifts before I go sit down again, or stare vacantly into space.  I am angst out zombie, with high hopes for the future. 

 

Embrace the squalor DovLov.  I'm trying to embrace it before it embraces me!

 

Thanks for the back up. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

[[th...]]

Oh, DovLuv, you have enhanced my self esteem no end in suggesting a "squalor effect". 

 

Sonic said it true, with the messed up connection.  I just can't seem to connect, no matter how hard I try. 

 

Exactly same for me, with your desk.  Sometimes, when feeling better I can plan/organise, but then it disappears overnight, within minutes sometimes. 

 

I am currently trying to get the dishes done.  I have no clean ones left.  I'm doing them in shifts before I go sit down again, or stare vacantly into space.  I am angst out zombie, with high hopes for the future. 

 

Embrace the squalor DovLov.  I'm trying to embrace it before it embraces me!

 

Thanks for the back up. 

 

Dee

 

Dee, you are going down in the annals of science for your effect... 

[[Ma...]]

 

Indeed, Restoration.  Indeed.

 

Dee

 

One of my friends told me, dust is the new black!  I loved it, used it in my profile 

[[Ol...]]

Ugh, I can so relate!! Just standing up to do the dishes makes me feel so heavy. And not just housework, but really anything that takes motivation. I feel like I am feeling so much better in general than I was a couple of years ago (Could hardly even leave my room) but the motivation thing is still so lacking. I will go do something that I need to do, but as soon as I get home I just want to lay in/on my bed and watch Netflix. I keep thinking, 'what did I used to do in my spare time before Benzo w/d?' and then I remember that it was biking, socializing, dancing, sewing, etc... all things that I totally can't be bothered to do now. Hopefully it will come back! Down with the Squalor Effect!

[[de...]]

Very funny Mary.  I'm going to use that one myself. 

 

Likewise OliveKitty, it's not just the housework.  Anything!  Lack of motivation, finding connection, etc.

 

Don't want to develop a rep as a Stepford Wife.  I have my original copy of Anne Oakley's, "The Politics of Housework", still housed in my bookcase.  I think it's called the "Sociology of Housework", now. 

 

I certainly don't like living in squalor, and am embarressed by it.  But it's the underpinnings to not being able to get the job done that is of additional consideration.  The not being able to plan/organise.  The neuro stuff.  It so sucks. 

 

I just moved a pot plant, and had to come indoors to sit down.  I so miss my garden, and it's just turned Spring here. 

 

And just moved from the sink OliveKitty (3rd Stage dishes  ) because I became so tired, and just couldn't think the task through. 

 

"And the dish ran away with the spoon."  🌙  They could bare the kitchen any longer. 

 

Dee

[[Su...]]

Omg deadwoodgone I totally relate to everything you wrote. I too live alone and I only do the bare essentials when it comes to housework. Fatigue is a huge problem for me and I tend to spend most of my time lying on the couch. I take out garbage and that sort of thing but things like dusting and vacuuming I’ve been very much neglecting. Don’t worry about judgemental neighbors, they have no idea what we are going through, just getting through the day is hard enough, forget about keeping a spotless house. Just take care of yourself, things will get better