existential dread (and checking in before jump)

[[se...]]

hi everyone! i know i've been gone for a while (i've been online, but only to respond to PMs) and i needed to take a break from posting on the public part of the forum. since i was last posting (july i think?) i've thought i was going to die or off myself a great many times and made it through. i learned acceptance and stopped trying to force myself through a rapid taper because of my impatience. when i learned that it was going to take time no matter how hard i wished it wouldn't, i had a much easier time (well, easy is not a word i would use) with the taper. i went through two failed rapid tapers before having to updose to stop myself from losing my mind. in august i started a two month long rearranged taper for the rest of the klonopin. i made cuts of 10% every 10 days and though there were awful times it was much much more manageable.

 

i am currently 10 days away from my jump date- i am looking forward to it like nothing else in my life before. i never thought i would make it two months in this state of constant dp/dr and horrible symptoms. but here i am.

 

a big thank you to phoenix1109 for being my near-daily benzo pen pal helping me get through this, as well as hikinggirl and ptsdmiracle for helping me so much with encouragement and more talks in my PMs.

 

a few weeks ago i had a massive realization that my first prescribed benzo lined up as the 'starting point' for all my weird dp/dr episodes and feelings i've been having for the last year and a half. i blamed so much of it on my brain injury but when i put all the episodes down on a calendar, i realized not only did these episodes start BEFORE my car accident and brain injury date, but NONE OF THEM happened before may 24th, 2018- my first prescription of any benzo (ativan). i can see exactly what happened now and it makes me even more optimistic about my taper being over soon. i can start to heal. i finally know what's been wrong with my health for the last year and a half. why i stopped being able to drive, why i stopped going outside, why i feel WRONG all the time. it wasn't my brain injury that was responsible for most of it- it was the benzos the whole time. i just didn't believe it could have that much power until i went though the withdrawal.

 

anyways-

 

i am dealing with a lot of existential dread these last two weeks. i am assuming it's a symptom but it's horrible and really drains my will to live. i am scared of dying, scared of sleeping, scared of the afterlife/lack of, scared of the possibility eternity, scared of not existing someday- and please don't respond to this with thoughts about religion/lack of. i am only explaining this as context.

 

does anybody else experience bad existential dread or has experienced it as a past symptom?

 

also if anyone wants to talk about their jump date or windows after jumping please do! i need things to look forward to.

 

-seafoam

[[...]]

Hi Seafoam!

 

I can totally relate to what you are feeling! It comforts me to know that I’m not the only one! I’m weeks away from jumping and feeling so much fear and dread! I have drawn my taper out for years! It’s been such a huge part of my life! I have faith that we will get through it! Wishing you the best! 

[[de...]]

Yes, seafoam, and it is most terrible. Existential terror, DP/DR, si.  Little wonder no one believes us (its crazy, nuts), unimaginable.  Unbelievable.

 

I know I wouldn't have believed it either, had I not experienced for myself.  Little wonder you did not believe it yourself, I still have difficulty, blaming myself sometimes for not being strong enough, my past, PTSD, etc.  But no, it's real alright, it's benzodiazapine withdrawal.

 

How good you have finally reached the conclusion that it is withdrawal you are experiencing, not your brain injury.  That must have been so very confusing. Its good when you line up the 'dates', isn't it?  All the pieces come together.  I think this is healing in itself. 

 

I'm 7 months off Valium seafoam and it is definitely improving.  I'm still having problems, but the terror has dropped markedly.  It will improve for you too. 

 

Dee

 

 

[[se...]]

thank you both and i hope you get through this week okay!

 

yes deadwoodgone it's a big relief. i actually made a 'benzo theory' calendar on my laptop and tracked down events in my old text messages- any time i texted my friend that i felt 'dizzy at work' or 'felt weird driving, like i spaced out', anything like that, i would remember that event and get the date. i found the time i collapsed randomly at work, the time i hyperventilated for no reason at all, the time i just couldn't seem to 'wake up' in the morning for hours. all the things that would never happen to me before. and they all came after that day i got my first benzo. because it was as needed at first i didn't give it much credit, but now i do. it all makes sense. i'm assuming i build tolerance EXTREMELY fast and i started getting interdose w/d, tolerance w/d etc early on, but didn't stop long enough for it to die down, and instead solved the random 'more anxiety' issue with more benzos, feeding the tolerance and causing me to get more and more sick.

 

i went through a prescription of ativan, then one of xanax, then another of ativan, then another of xanax. then when i was put on klonopin daily in december i remember i got better. i thought it was because of my 'brain injury healing' over time but it was really the increase in dosage and consistency that made my tolerance w/d symptoms die down. once i got tolerant to that i started getting worse again. it all makes sense..... it's insane how i didn't see this the whole time.

 

though it took me a while i'm glad i didn't listen to my psychiatrist when he told me to up my dose in march. now that i've been tapering for almost six months i am almost done, if i had updosed earlier i wouldn't be where i am now. and imagine if i stayed on klonopin for years, waiting for the brain injury to 'heal'! i feel like i just dodged a massive bullet. whew!

 

i now have 9 days left! so i am very excited. i will post when i jump!

 

-seafoam

 

[[de...]]

I'm excited for you too seafoam.  It's just great you are nearing the end of your taper.  Too well done. 

 

Even though it is still hard there is something wonderful about being free of the poison.  Liberation at last.  Still sick, but free. 

 

I developed tolerance quickly too, just didn't know it.  Thought I had no end of diseases.  Doctors forming a diagnosis of hypochondria when all tests came back clear.  I finished up creeping away in shame, embarrassment.  Shame on them, for not even listening. 

 

I know what you mean about glad you didn't listen to your psychiatrist.  I've had same thoughts about dodging a bullet.  When I told my psych I felt derealised he immediately wanted to put me on an anti psychotic. 

 

And I know if I presented to a doctor about my complete lack of motivation I'd be diagnosed with depression and fed a/d's.  I know it's withdrawal.  At least we've come this far, hey?  We KNOW what it is, whereas before we did not. 

 

More power to you seafoam.  We can do this. 

 

Power to buddies all over the world.  🌎

 

Dee