Is anyone this bad?

[Guest [Fa...]]

I'm 9 months out and my symptoms are beyond torture.  I have every mental symptom possible at the same time all the time. 

 

Racing intrusive looping thoughts about how I am feeling, what I am I thinking, this is doing this, etc, should reinstate, no I can't reinstate, I am permanently damaged, I had severe anxiety before benzos so I will never recover, I am kindled CT, et, cigarettes are making me worse, etc.

 

I literally have no control over my mind.  It's not an intrusive thought here and there.  It's a super hyperaware/hypervigilance of every thought, feeling, and emotion.

 

It's like I am being tortured by my inner dialogue.  I feel a constant obsession to find someone that has the mental symptoms for as long as I have.  I literally can't distract at all.

 

Does anyone have the mental symptoms to the severity of this? I've searched this website for 9 months and can't relate to anyone with how bad I am.

 

 

[[de...]]

It's all relative FINAO,  but can definitely relate to every symptom you describe.  I'm 7 months off Valium.  Things are beginning to improve.  All still there, but greatly reduced. 

 

I can so relate, and it is so dead set scary. 

 

We have nothing to validate us within the medical community (few), even family and friends deny our experience.  No wonder we wander in the dark, confused. 

 

If it is of any help and comfort have experienced all you describe, but it is getting better and strongly believe it will for you too. 

 

Keep the faith.  This IS withdrawal and eventually we will recover.  Time. 

 

Had an absurd thought when standing this morning.  Just stood up and out of the blue believed I was about to drop and die.  This and more.  Crickey! 

 

I didn't die, and the thought has now dissolved. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

[[Th...]]

I can relate too!!!

[[ne...]]

Failureisnotanoption, (trigger warning)

 

Yes I can relate. I had all of those symptoms for months after cold-turkeying over 2 mgs of Klonopin, which I abused and used with alcohol among other drugs for about 5 years. To put it in perspective, as I know, you well understand: I had conversations with demons that told me I was useless and that I should kill myself so as not to burden the rest of the world with my filth of an existence. I battled this demon among many others daily. I think you described it VERY well "being tortured by your inner dialogue."

 

In reading your post, it reminded me of a moment I had during my recovery where I went home to visit my mom and I was very angry and fed up with not having recovered and I said "Mom, I am doing everything I can and it's almost been a year and I'm not better?!" She simply replied, "are you....?" I was angry at first by that response but when I reflected on the interaction later, I realized that the answer was no, I was not.

 

So, as my loving mother challenged me, I will challenge you; as someone who doesn't know you but has a great understanding of what you are going through. Are you doing everything you can to recover?

 

If you are still smoking cigarettes, I would imagine that you are not being honest with yourself in the answer to that question. I assume you have made many difficult changes in your life but there is more work that can be done That is GREAT NEWS as there is more you can do to speed up your recovery! I hope I don't come off as too harsh. I promise I am coming from a place of love and empathy for your suffering. If you have any questions, please feel free to reach out directly.

 

na-

 

 

[[so...]]

FINAO,

 

I think you ARE doing everything you possibly can to assist your body in healing.  Smoking has nothing to do with your healing.  Of course, it would be healthier to quit smoking, but you are healing nevertheless.

 

It’s important to take replies with a grain of salt.  There are things you can do to help your body heal and there things you should avoid.  Keep reading posts on the forum and you’ll figure out how to navigate this process.

 

Sofa