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I had taken Klonopin for 11 years and cold turkeyed off of it on 3 different occasions. I never had depression or anxiety before, but now 5 months off I will get horrible anxiety and depression. I wouldn't do anything, but I think of dying all the time. It's almost like I fantasize about it, how much easier it would be to not have to feel this way anymore. I have a lot to live for, my life is wonderful and I have 2 great kids, but I can't see the good in anything... I hate this. Sorry I know this is sensitive and inappropriate, I am just surrounded by family right now who are happy, and it's like I'm so jealous that they seem so carefree and happy. I hope I'll feel that way again.
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[8b...]

Please realise that your body is going through the pain of upregulating and many other things too. You are contemplating the years or time wasted or lost and you probably read too much into that. Humans are intelligent, we can see a beautiful sunset and get sad as it reminds us of something or someone that brings pain.

 

You have an awful lot of thoughts and emotions and life experiences and now all of that is being reset a little because of the big changes from no benzos.

 

I think this is normal for many people, I am encouraged by knowing that no matter how bad I feel I can cognitively get it that it will pass and I will have joy and a rewarding life again soon.

 

We cannot ignore our feelings but through discipline and sense we know it is wise to ignore the bad or negative feelings when they come and to be mindfully thankful for the good times....

 

I do not wish to paint broad brush strokes or sound thoughtless but when we are sick and suffering it is easy to place weight on how we "feel" and when we are happy and busy we actually unknowingly have more capacity to ignore difficult feelings and to magnify and cherish good times and feelings. A good, healthy and balanced life is not good times always, it is massive resilience to ignore the bad and continue without getting into a state about it.

 

We cannot choose what all happens to us in life but we are all 100% responsible for our every response. It is the sum of our responses to everything that determines our future. If you get stuck in paying too much attention to feelings you may well end up running around in circles, very busy trying to take control......which never happens.

 

 

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I do not wish to paint broad brush strokes or sound thoughtless but when we are sick and suffering it is easy to place weight on how we "feel" and when we are happy and busy we actually unknowingly have more capacity to ignore difficult feelings and to magnify and cherish good times and feelings. A good, healthy and balanced life is not good times always, it is massive resilience to ignore the bad and continue without getting into a state about it. 

 

:thumbsup::smitten:

 

 

Strive hit the nail on the head. But I don’t know how to show quotes. Sorry.

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Don’t worry, this is normal. Try to be happy FOR THEM. Practice gratitude that your family can be happy even if you’re in hell. Isn’t that better than the alternative, that they’re dysfunctional and unhappy? Trust me, that would be much worse. You’ll get there yourself.
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In my eyes we have to talk about it because in my eyes this is pure chemical depression and its because of withdrawal. Many many members suffer from exactly the same. I have been one of them. All thoughts went spiraling around death or end of life or end of agony, no matter what I did. Even when I felt better. Like my brain did not really get it. My mood was low, I would cry any time, or would feel numb - overall I just did not feel like my true self.

You are early in withdrawal this seems to be the time to get this symptom.

 

What you feel now is not how you are. Your body is playing with chemicals in order to find back into balance.

 

At the moment all you have to do is to stay alive and live day by day. That is all. Your body will do the rest.

 

Try to eat healthy and take care of yourself, to deliver the nutritients needed. And deliver the nutritients your soul needs, as well.

You will get over this. I am 3 years off and lately had a depressed episode, but this was nothing in comparison to the chemical depression I had in early wd. Nothing. And after a night full of sleep its gone now (and there was a REAL reason to be sad).

 

Chin up! You are much stronger than you can feel right now.

 

Marigold

 

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I struggle with these thoughts too, BAD, and it is so SCARY. I have a son who loves me and needs me. There are many days I have prayed for God to take me. And then I have good days, like today where it lifts and I can look bad on those bad days with those scary thoughts and see that it passes and that in reality, I want to LIVE!!! That’s why I got off the damn benzos. I totally get in, when you’re in it, it’s so hard to see past it, to see a way out, to see a life worth living, but it does pass and I’m sure with more time it will eventually go away.

 

I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression my whole life, I think I always will, but this level of anxiety and depression during benzo W/D is a whole new level. I’m confident it’s chemical and it won’t be something we have to deal with forever. I’m learning coping tools through DBT and as Marigold said, it’s all about just making it through that one day sometimes. One day at a time is how this beast will be slayed.

 

Feel free to PM anytime if you need to talk. I struggle with this one immensely and it’s beyond terrifying, but we will get through it.

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