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Sorry I Can't Help More People on this Forum


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I really feel as though I'm a huge downer, even in this forum. I thought I would be feeling significantly better at nearly 18 months off. Early on, at about six months, I kept reading success stories about people who recovered by 12 months or 14 months, and now I'm 18 months off and still can't sleep, I still feel depressed every morning, I still don't have any hobbies or interests, work is incredibly hard for me, I don't even want to go home after work because I never feel good with my family, I have anger at everyone and can barely have conversations, and the list goes on. I spend most of the day trying to figure out if what I'm dealing with is still withdrawal. All I can do on this forum is relay my experience and I feel like my experience is mostly complaining and bitching. So I'm sorry I haven't been more encouraging to new members or I don't provide support for those members that are in similar circumstances as me.
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There’s no requirement that anyone provide support to others here. We are here for the primary purpose of offering support to those in your situation, and we hope everyone here finds this to be a haven to hunker down and feel safe and understood.

 

Many people are simply not able to offer support.  Please don’t worry about this...it’s not why you’re here.

 

:smitten:

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You are still experiencing very difficult symptoms. Do not expect yourself to do anything but get through this. It's ok to come here and share your challenges and fears. When you are able you will give back.

 

Please let go of the time line of recovery. Some folks take longer to heal. It is happening even when you feel compromised. For me it has been very gradual. Remember...every day you are closer to being better.

 

This forum is meant to be a place of safety and comfort for everyone. Don't give yourself a hard time. Please be kind to yourself. This is the hardest thing you will ever do and it WILL pass.

 

Carita

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Sometimes offering support to people gets you “out of your head” for awhile.  Your head is filled with fear and loathing and it’s good to escape for awhile.

 

You and I have recently scuffled about your topic.  Thank you for taking what I said to heart.  Yes, this is about you getting help and support through this process, but maybe the best help you can get is by giving help to others.

 

This will resolve eventually.  While waiting it out, go to work and do the best you can; come home and play with your family the best you can; visit the forum and do your best to help others.  All you can do right now is muster up the strength to “do your best.”

 

We all have a choice.  Do we stayed mired in this muck, writhing around in it, or do we shower away the muck with fresh clean water?  Which is more comfortable for you?

 

Sofa

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Boom, I agree do not be so hard on yourself, and post for the support you need. Please do not think that you will never heal...it may take a long time, but I have read of others here that felt the same way and came back and wrote Success Stories. One guy comes to mind and he had a really hard time too, but is healed and living his life. His name is Timmyp and if you have time read his blog posts, in fact all of his posts... Never say never, it just takes a lot of time and patience. Stay Strong, you are really a lot stronger than you think. Hold on and things will get better. 💖 Peace and Healing.
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I really though I'd have a success story up by now and I would be responding to people saying you will get better. I'm really struggling with sleep again to the point where I can barely function at work. I'm super irritable. I feel like my muscles and body are breaking down like I can barely walk. I'm worried I'm on the brink of a nervous breakdown. What's hard is I just got the ability to nap back in spring and early summer and that is gone now too since moving and starting this new job. The insomnia doesn't feel like the withdrawal induced insomnia that I had a year ago. it feels more like it did ten years ago when I started my first teaching job. I just need to sleep somehow.
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It's okay, Boom. I feel that way too when I am so so sick or in a bad wave. I know that it helps me feel better when I serve others despite how crappy I am feeling. If all I can do is offer an encouraging word, an empathetic response, or just support by being present for people, then I feel somehow lighter in my heart (or what's left of it,  ha ha). And because I'm so sick so often, sometimes all I can do is come here and type a response or two. We all need it here. So my encouraging response to you is what I sometimes tell my clients which is that sometimes activating behavior in the form of doing the opposite of your thoughts, will sometimes allow the thoughts or emotions to change in time. I have to do that with my kids a lot of the time. I know I love them. I know that I once knew what that felt like. But my emotions are so blunted that I just can't access it. And when someone is severely depressed for a long while, they can't access when they didn't feel that way or when they felt joy or happiness. But I fake it with my kids and I'm as engaged and smiling and happy as I can possibly be even though I usually can't feel a thing. I believe in time, when my brain is functioning back to normal, those feelings will come back. You've got this, Boom. Stay the course.
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I really feel as though I'm a huge downer, even in this forum. I thought I would be feeling significantly better at nearly 18 months off. Early on, at about six months, I kept reading success stories about people who recovered by 12 months or 14 months, and now I'm 18 months off and still can't sleep, I still feel depressed every morning, I still don't have any hobbies or interests, work is incredibly hard for me, I don't even want to go home after work because I never feel good with my family, I have anger at everyone and can barely have conversations, and the list goes on. I spend most of the day trying to figure out if what I'm dealing with is still withdrawal. All I can do on this forum is relay my experience and I feel like my experience is mostly complaining and bitching. So I'm sorry I haven't been more encouraging to new members or I don't provide support for those members that are in similar circumstances as me.

 

Sounds like you are depressed. Maybe it isn't benzo withdrawal. Have you seen a psychiatrist? How is the Remeron working out for you?

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Are you a teacher? Good grief, man, you’re my hero if you can teach through this.  I could not have, no way.

 

The nervous system is broken down as a result of benzodiazepine use...and you are getting through this. 

 

A minute at a time sometimes... hang in there. Breathe, use whatever coping strategies work for you...

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Yes, I taught high school English through acute. Then I had the summer off and didn't get better and taught for another school year through post-acute. I had one month off with leave. My family moved over the summer and I'm working as a high school Librarian now. I'm hardly sleeping again.

 

I am very depressed. I have been the entire time going through this but I keep listening to others who say it gets better over time. That's why I haven't seriously started the Remeron yet.

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I am very depressed. I have been the entire time going through this but I keep listening to others who say it gets better over time. That's why I haven't seriously started the Remeron yet.

 

I'm not a doctor, so take this with a grain of salt. But, Remeron isn't a drug you take on an as needed basis. You are just causing yourself more problems that way.

 

How about an experiment? Take it as prescribed for two weeks and see how you feel. Come back to this thread and post the results.

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I agree you may want to give the Remeron a solid try. I got my sleep back with it. I had to function at least at some level for my family, I’d rather take something than lose everything during this process which is where I was heading. I only use 3.75mg for 6 months now. No untoward side effects except a little dry mouth in the am and a few pounds weight gain (which I sorely needed after acute, so a good thing). I think sometimes we’re stuck and just need a different frame of mind to help a little bit, which may not always happen without help.
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You are still so early off boom, seriously I didn't start to see real progress until 22-24 months off, and you are doing so much better than a lot of people on this forum given the fact you are working and driving and living even if there is little to no enjoyment in any of it. You are crushing it! I couldn't hold a conversation much less work outside the home for the past few years thanks to withdrawal. Your brain chemistry is just sorting itself back out again after coming off these meds, your dopamine and serotonin and pleasure center of your brain are just trying to regain homeostasis after this horrific withdrawal again. They will sort themselves out with time just be careful to avoid alcohol and stimulants like caffeine, eat a whole foods plant based diet and cut out any junk in your diet. When I added celery juice on an empty stomach every morning as well I saw great progress, it's extremely healing for your nervous system. You will be ok in time I promise, you are not going to not enjoy things forever. The first time I smiled or felt emotion or joy was 2 years off this crap and it came and went and still comes and goes, but when I feel it, it's magic and it's real and it's amazing. You will get there too I promise, hold on!
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Thanks for the comments and support. I am so torn between trying meds and waiting it out. I know many people are able to not work during the healing process, but I am not one of those people. On top of that, we are trying to raise a child. My wife needs more help than I can give right now. If my sleep were just a little better, I would probably not even be thinking of meds at all. But my sleep keeps getting okay and then just gets bad again for months on end whenever I need to be most effective as a human being.

 

In some respects, I think my mind is stuck on the fact that I'm miserable, can't sleep, and will never get better, and then I can't get that out of my head. I am wondering if a low dose of Remeron would allow me to stop worrying about sleep and other components of this process and then once it's forgotten I can wean off over the course of a year, if needed.

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You are still so early off boom, seriously I didn't start to see real progress until 22-24 months off, and you are doing so much better than a lot of people on this forum given the fact you are working and driving and living even if there is little to no enjoyment in any of it. You are crushing it! I couldn't hold a conversation much less work outside the home for the past few years thanks to withdrawal. Your brain chemistry is just sorting itself back out again after coming off these meds, your dopamine and serotonin and pleasure center of your brain are just trying to regain homeostasis after this horrific withdrawal again. They will sort themselves out with time just be careful to avoid alcohol and stimulants like caffeine, eat a whole foods plant based diet and cut out any junk in your diet. When I added celery juice on an empty stomach every morning as well I saw great progress, it's extremely healing for your nervous system. You will be ok in time I promise, you are not going to not enjoy things forever. The first time I smiled or felt emotion or joy was 2 years off this crap and it came and went and still comes and goes, but when I feel it, it's magic and it's real and it's amazing. You will get there too I promise, hold on!

 

Very hopeful comment. I actually needed to hear this today, too. Thank you!

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Atarax (hydroxyzine) is mentioned as having been helpful for Colin for sleep in this post of his from this afternoon: http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=225789.msg2937365#msg2937365

 

Yes, the hydroxyzine helps people sleep. But I think at this point the OP could be suffering more from some kind of depression, which also includes insomnia as a result.

 

I remember having read about the need to cry often, intrusive thoughts (harm OCD), persistent anger, anxiety around family members. Hydroxyzine could help insomnia short-term, but can do nothing for depression. It could even make it worse.

 

The advantage of mirt is that it could help lift the depression and insomnia, which results from it.

 

There is a reason why the OP started to take the BZD and self-medicate with alcohol. It went on for many years. It's impossible to say how much of the BZD WD and how much of some underlying condition is there at this point.

 

It's difficult for me to see someone suffer so much. I refused the ADs for a long time and got very sick. It seems like some ADs are now first line treatment for insomnia, which is often the result of depression.

 

I don't feel like I can give anyone advice on whether to start an AD or not. I just know from my personal experience that they have helped me function and sleep. And there comes a point in suffering when a person just gives up, cannot take it any longer. And goes back either to the BZD or to alcohol.

 

Anyway, taking mirt p.r.n. is not a good idea. This is a med which needs to be taken regularly if one decides to try it. Even in low doses. But taking it p.r.n. could result in feeling even worse. I used to try taking fluoxetine p.r.n., as it was so difficult for me to tolerate the side effects. In consequence,

I became very sick.

 

Once the insomnia settles in, it can become quite persistent. I've been suffering from insomnia most of my life. And it started years before the BZD, as a result of depression.

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Hi boomboxboy, you are only at 18 months off, I felt terrible at that time as well. I’m 26 months off and only just starting to have true windows, I also still get bad waves but at least there is the occasional break. This takes a lot longer than I originally thought, I really thought I’d be healed by 18 months but I wasn’t. Just hold on you will start seeing better days in the next year.
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All I can do on this forum is relay my experience and I feel like my experience is mostly complaining and bitching. So I'm sorry I haven't been more encouraging to new members or I don't provide support for those members that are in similar circumstances as me.

What has helped me the most on this forum is being able to see that others have the same exact symptoms that I do. It legitimizes all the crazy symptoms and shows me that I'm not alone in this. Knowing that there are others in similar circumstances and it's not just me is more comforting than any success stories.

If others weren't here relaying their experiences like this, we would all think we were just going crazy!!

By staying and posting about your symptoms, you're helping others in the same position realize that they're not alone and they're not crazy.

I'm sure that you'll have a success story to post in due time though!

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Boomboxboy,

 

I was a high school English teacher too.  Many years ago.  I can’t imagine how you do it going through this either.  Like Challis, I see the hero in you.

 

God bless you.  You are doing your best every day, even if you don’t feel like you are.  YOU ARE.  I’ve been in those trenches teaching in the inner city.  Man, if I wore hats I would tip them to you.

 

Sofa

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