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HyperAwareness Thought OCD Update, Month 27


[Li...]

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Hey guys,

 

It's been a while since I've posted. I think this is more therapeutic for me than anything else. I'm still struggling with pretty severe anxiety/OCD issues. Felt like I was pretty much on the way to being healed in month 23 and then everything took a spin and it's been a battle since. Really kind of difficult to believe that I'm still struggling this far out, but there's really only one thing to do from here and that's to continue forward and just kind of try to endure it. I'm still working part-time, about 20 hours a week and pushing through regardless of the symptoms.

 

The best way I can describe my current symptoms is HyperAwareness of Thought, which I imagine would fall under some sort of severe anxiety/OCD. I've struggled with the idea that it's still being brought on by the withdrawal, but I never had any of these issues beforehand. I suffer from a lot of intrusive existential thoughts and thinking. I feel fine most of the time when I'm at work and almost function as normal, but whenever I am idle or at home, my mind reverts to this odd introspective hyperawareness. It attaches itself to everything existentially and makes it really difficult. If I find myself starting to enjoy something, my mind breaks it down as if nothing in the universe really matters and everything is kind of futile. Really hate thinking this way and don't want to feel it.

 

It also feels like a lot of my anxious thoughts are not mine. They burst inside my head with an unusual intensity and just continue to build and grow. It's like I have this Rolodex of anxious thoughts that just spins and spins. But the worst of it all is the insane FEAR that is seemingly the mastermind behind all of it and the absolute very worst symptom that I have had to endure. It's just this constant feeling of organic fear of absolutely nothing and everything all at the same time. I'm constantly living in fight or flight, even despite doing my best to ignore the insanity in my head and just push on to pursue things that I want in my life. Not really sure what else I can really do.

 

Really looking forward to some sort of relief from all of this. I miss the days where I had a clear, focused mind... Rather than this constant fog of intrusive anxiety and fear, existential thoughts and just general mental hell. I had a lot of this during my first year, but it faded for quite some time before returning right as I marked my two year anniversary from my cold turkey off of Klonopin.

 

Here's hoping the rest of you find peace and happiness very soon.

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I’m right there with you my friend. I’m super impressed you’re able to work outside of the home. I too have only mental shit left and it’s fear, it’s a specific fear for me like health fears and fears about death and upsetting shit like that. If this went away I’d feel healed, you and I are roughly around the same time. 28 months on and I’m just clinging on to hope that it will go away as I didn’t have it before this.
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I’m in a similar place I’ll be at 2 years in mid September.

 

Intrusive thoughts, random thoughts, and weird sleep (hyper dreams, hypnagogic awakenings), weird brain feelings are all that remain.

 

The intrusive thoughts have been the most unrelenting and still some of the scariest. It can be a thought about dying, glancing at someone and thinking something rude like “shut up” in my head, or just a repetitive word that gets stuck and almost feels like I’ll blurt it out. It feels so impulsive and like I’m not in control.

 

Hoping for the best for both of us. I’ve been trying to exercise regularly and still avoid MSG linked foods. I have my days where I’m 99.9% normal. Then I have days where the intrusive stuff is just unrelenting.

 

In any event, I can completely relate to where you are. Let’s hope we feel normal soon enough!

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Thank you for the responses, it always helps to be reminded that we're not alone in this. I for sure have all of the same thought based anxiety and weird brain feelings that were described. It's my last symptom as well. Seems like all of the symptoms we experience are somehow related to our brains being stuck in fight or flight and just other weirdness of withdrawal. I'll be happy when the day comes that I'm not overly aware of my thoughts and I don't feel like I'm monitoring them. To be able to just have a clear, peaceful mind without having to worry about all of the intrusiveness or strange thoughts that send fearful/stressful shocks through you will be a godsend.

 

It's unfortunate that it lasts this long for so many of us, but from what I'm beginning to read and hear from many members, it's not all that uncommon. Never thought I'd still be going through this far out, I honestly thought this would be a 6 month to a year ordeal. We're all incredibly strong to have made it this far. Keep going, there is an end to this.

 

Sugar and heavy MSG definitely makes it way worse. Never used to have any food issues before withdrawal, but it's very apparent how revved up the symptoms get after consuming sugar or MSG. Some days I can handle it better than others, but some days are just horrible.

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Congratulations to reach this milestone Liveabovelt !

 

I'm 27 months off and  I'm living with weird brain feelings,  intrusive existential thoughts and HyperAwareness of thought, but since 8 months now.

I have a good control of this issue today, you will do the same,don't worry.

It's very scary at the start but after 2 or 3 months, it gets better.

Fortunately for me, the weird sleep gone 3 months ago, witch it is always good point  !

Yes,  I miss too the days where I had a clear and focused mind...

 

Don't loose the faith, stay strong and calm Buddy !

Hope you will recovery soon

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  • 1 month later...
I was lucky enough to have two separate windows for 3-4 days each where all of the mental stuff became extremely mild and I didn't notice it a lot of the time. Once in September and then once early October. I'm hoping they weren't just flukes. The most recent one happened while I was sick with a pretty rough cold virus. All of the mental symptoms just kind of melted away and I had a clear/focused mind during these days. Not really sure if it was a coincidence or if the cold had anything to do with it.
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