I've completely wasted my life, and cannot see any silver lining.

[[Be...]]

Hello. I'm 29 and I've had a long history with benzodiazepine dependence and addiction. I hope I can find support here because I'm at the end of my tethers. I also genuinely hope that I can contribute and offer helpful advice to those who need it (as I said I have such a long benzo history, I know a lot about a lot of pharmaceutical drugs).

 

My first experiences occurred when I was 17. I suffered from insomnia, panic disorder and derealization/depersonalization. Back then I had no clue what was wrong with me, so I naturally panicked that I was dying. I went through a number of tests from multiple doctors - endocrinologist, neurologist, cardiologist, and, finally, a psychiatrist who prescribed me one of the Z-drugs: Zopiclone. I was so scared at first, I remember it as though it was yesterday. I took only half a pill (3.75 mgs) and felt all my anxiety and derealization dissipating. The relief was incredible after a year of nightmarish existence at high school (I barely had friends, just one buddy). I felt my lungs relax, my limbs, and extremely sociable. To cut it short, I soon started taking a pill every night until I got addicted (progressively) to taking a whole package (10 pills x 7.5 mgs) a day. Sometimes I would space out the dosages, other times I would suffer through withdrawal during the day to get the unimaginable high in the evening when I'd take 7-9 pills at once.

 

That lasted about a year or two (I live in a country when the Z-drugs back then required no special prescription and were sold over-the-counter). Obviously, I knew I had to do something about it. My father was an alcoholic who was emotionally abusive to me and my mother, so I kept my addiction a secret. I did some online research and found the Ashton manual. Subsequently, I was thrilled there was a cure as I started to educate myself about benzos. I learnt that I had to switch to diazepam because of its long half-life, and thereafter consulted with my psychiatrist. She was supportive and we started at 40 mgs. I didn't do a slow crossover, and it worked just fine for me. In a week, I was adjusted and felt no craving, and I was relatively stable. I started decreasing the dosage by 5 mgs every week until I got down to 20 mgs. Then I tapered again 5 mgs every two weeks until I reached 10 mgs, and switched to tapering by 2.5 mgs every week. Believe it or not, that story was a success.

 

All the while though my father kept abusing alcohol, and we found out my mother had breast cancer. I cannot imagine how I survived through all that keeping it a secret from them. When I got down to 0 mgs, a week later my father died from cirrhosis (and we only found out he had the disease a week before he died). You can imagine how I felt, but I had sworn I wouldn't take any benzos AND I DIDN'T. I suffered through many anxiety-related symptoms, had a terrible lump in my throat, which apparently was psychosomatic. Oh, and I was doing my 2nd year at uni, studying English & American Literature, Culture and Linguistics.

 

I'll stop here because gradually I recovered. Soon I felt as though I had never been an addict. I could even drink alcohol like a normal person. I didn't finish my studies because I felt pressured to find a job, so at the age of 22 or 23 I became an English teacher. I was benzo free for 7 years

 

I'm sorry this is so long (believe me I've cut out a lot), but I believe it's relevant to my situation.

 

During those 7 years I received cognitive-behavioural therapy from a fantastic therapist, and I learned a lot about psychology in general: CBT, psychoanalysis (or psychodynamic therapy as it is known nowadays), archetypes, etc. I was diagnosed with a mixed personality disorder (both borderline and narcissistic). This explains a lot. I lose it when somebody offers me help, I always want to solve everything on my own. I'm also gay and when I become obsessed (always straight guys), I lose my balance. Working was therapeutic for me. I taught children, teenagers and adults (I'm not as unstable as I may come across; or at least I wasn't).

 

Last summer I was drinking a bit too much, and a a friend betrayed me exactly when I had moved out my mother's, had found my own flat and was becoming increasingly independent. That was when I had quit my job because I was about to enrol at uni again (doing the same major from scratch because I wanted a clean slate). At first, the betrayal seemed to have no effect on me and I aced my admission exams, but apparently whenever somebody hurts me, it's a razor-blade cut that has no immediate effect, but the blood starts pouring out as time passes.

 

One night I was alone in my new apartment and got drunk on whiskey, and I confessed how much "I love" (apparently, those are crushes) to a few guys who, of course, rejected me and said some mean things to me. Maybe I deserved it, maybe I didn't. The effect was non-stop beer drinking for weeks until I had to go back living with my mum's. I continued to drink more and more, and I was starting to turn into an alcoholic. Every alcoholic knows how terrible it feels (you don't drink - you feel like shit, you drink - you still feel like shit). Fortunately, it was just one month, so I had the brilliant idea of clearing myself out by taking some diazepam for the withdrawal.

 

I started at 10 mgs. Almost immediately the benzo high was rekindled and I felt amazing. This kept escalating until I got to 30 mgs several times a day. But, apparently, that wasn't enough for my benzo greedy brain so I found a supplier for Rivotril (clonazepam), which I had always dreamed of trying. THAT SHIT was fuckin' A at first. I felt euphoric and like a superhero all the time. I organised my university papers pedantically, went to all classes and it had no cognitive impairments whatsoever. Until it did. My CBT psychiatrist said she no longer wanted to work with me because addiction was not her field of expertise. I found a brilliant psychiatrist, and we decided to do a clonazepam taper - it didn't work. We switched to diazepam (all the while I kept increasing the dosage until I was taking 180-200 mgs of diazepam per day). I was depressed, started feeling unwell both physically and psychologically and failed my semester.

 

Short of committing suicide, I voluntarily decided to admit myself to an addiction treatment center (if you can call it that; the conditions were horrific, but the doctors were good). They found out I'm a what-they-call a hyper or ultra metabolizer and I metabolise all benzos extremely fast (that's why I couldn't stabilise EVEN on diazepam). Some of the patients there were laughing cuz whenever they got a diazepam injection, they'd be out, while I barely felt anything at all. All my liver enzymes came out just fine. My liver could handle it.

 

To give you an idea of how fast I metabolize benzos, let's just say, a 1 mg Xanax's effects last for 30 mins after I take it, lol.

 

So, everything seemed to be doomed until my psychiatrist finally suggested I do a lorazepam (Ativan) taper because it's not metabolized by the liver at all and it passes through the body clean. The dosage was 5 pills of 2.5 mgs 3 times a day (anything less would cause severe withdrawal). Of course, I also take 400 mgs of Seroquel (quetiapine), so I can sleep at night because benzos never made me sleepy. They always made me feel alive. Used to.

 

Whoever's still reading this, I'm approaching the end. I'm now a zombie. I feel like shit all the time. I'm unemployed, I feel suicidal (I've tried several anti-depressants, only Seroquel works), and barely have energy to write this. BUT, trust me, I can offer sensible advice to other benzo users (usually I recommend an Ashton diazepam taper, they're not me - The Benzo Mutant).

 

I'm back on clonazepam because I have a limited supply of lorazepam, and my next appointment with my psychiatrist is this Sunday. If he leaves me, I don't know what I'm going to do. I wished I had died a million times already, but apparently I can't. It's just suffering all the time for the last 6 months.

 

FINALLY, the lorazepam taper was brilliant and was going to work, but I wanted to quit smoking (I smoke 40 cigs a day, and drink 3 cups of coffee per day) because it makes it easier, so I ruined the taper plan because I tried quitting smoking, and thought the only way I could do it was if I stayed up all night for 48 hours, which meant dosing myself with lorazepam every 6 hours to stay awake and functional. Oh, and, by the way, my mother found out about the addiction THIS time and has no knowledge of how it works, and just makes things worse.

 

So, as you see, this whole vomit I just typed out feels like a labyrinth, so I'm hoping people won't hate me here, and offer me support. FYI, it was very difficult to share all this. Up to this point, I've been visiting benzo chatrooms or reddit to offer help to others without ONCE venturing to explain MY situation (because of the narcissism). All I'm good at right now is analysis. I feel dead as a zombie.

 

Please help me, don't laugh at me. I promise to follow the rules and contribute as much as I can. After all this turmoil, I have plenty of experience for all of you (I hope this doesn't sound condescending).

 

Nice to meet you,

Georgi

 

 

[[ba...]]

Welcome to Benzo Buddies. We are a support and information group for those wanting to get off of benzodiazepines. Thank you for sharing your story, it is valuable and important. No haters here, we are all in this together, and happy to meet anyone at their point of need to offer support.

 

Although you have self educated on withdraw, and have the Ashton manual, I'm including links on tapering, if you want to use them.

 

You have a complex relationship and history with substances, which perhaps is why you feel overwhelmed. We can help you with getting off of the benzo's, but our expertise is limited to that class of drugs. A good professional or even several would be invaluable to you in dealing with other substances, trauma, and your learning new ways to live with yourself without repeating past patterns.

 

What you did, you did to cope, no judgement. You can learn to get through life, even with mental illness, even with addictions, and even with withdraw. We often seek out medication before we do anything else, be it alcohol, illicit drugs, and prescription drugs. However, all of these are temporary bandaids. They don't change the original issues, nor help us overcome them. It's common, but it does not allow us to grow into a healthy individual who is on the lifelong quest to deal with issues, and learn how to live a meaningful life independent of non beneficial medication.

 

It sounds like you are fed up with the medication as your go to solution to cope, welcome to the start of learning how to heal and cope and come into the fullness of who you can be. It is a lifestyle, an ongoing quest, but far more beneficial than defaulting to substances when our pain and problems come to the fore.

 

Your medical and psychiatric providers can both teach you to live in spite of whatever without so much substance abuse. They can also determine, what, if any medications you really should be on.

 

This link explains the mechanism of benzo's, and is a great place to perhaps learn more:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=66397.0

 

Tapering is the safest, and most tolerable method for getting off of benzo's.

 

The max recommended cut is 5-10% every 2 weeks. Many of us have to go slower, depending on our medication and what we can handle. Here are the boards on tapering.

 

http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=56.0

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=145.0

 

If your psychiatrist cuts you off, and you have to go cold turkey, we have forums to help you get through it:

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=133.0

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=146.0

 

 

 

In the forums pertinent to your circumstances, you will find other buddies going through their own tapers. This is a good place to ask questions, and receive guidance.

 

Again, welcome to Benzo Buddies, you have come to a safe, confidential informative support group, and we are happy to have you as a member. You can do this, with knowledge and finding coping skills.

 

Please take some time to Create a Signature. This will help other members understand your history so they will be better able to support you. Go to the top of the page and select Profile, then choose Forum Profile, insert drug history/timelines into the text box and click Change Profile.

 

We look forward to reading more from you over the forthcoming days and weeks.

 

Take care,

BB Team

[[Be...]]

First of all, thanks for the amazing welcome, baddove!

 

Second of all, this forum rocks judging by the amount of available information and support. Immense thanks for the links! I'll start reading the first one right now 

 

I changed my signature as you requested. I can see from yours you had to go cold turkey for a period. Man, that was probably the toughest period of your life. It got me wondering how much worse I could've had it. You're brave. I don't know why I'm stuck in this loop of not stabilizing and cutting on my dosage. I didn't have that problem in 2010-2012. Weird, stuck in a loop like a zombie. I hope I don't have to cold turkey.  I think that's it for now.

 

Cheers! 

[[ba...]]

Your very welcome. You are just the type of person we want to support.

 

As to stabilizing, slow down. Smaller cuts, longer holds. This is not a race. There is no one taper fits all regimen for  every person. Sometimes, you can go along tapering at a steady schedule, hit a wall, and have to slow down. Very common. You can have tapered before, but doing it again can be a completely different experience.

 

This is packed with information:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=79096.0

 

Please read this:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=153201.msg2730051#msg2730051

 

Here is a link to the long hold support group:

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=153201.0

 

And, sometimes, tapering is just HARD. Accept it, don't fight. We all have to learn to live with varying degrees of withdraw as we taper. It's not linear, it's a roller coaster. Tweak what your doing to a slower taper with smaller cuts. And wait. You are stronger than you know, and this process will challenge you. You can do it.

[[Be...]]

Thank you so much again!

 

I read Patrick's post and that charged me with an amazing "dosage" of hope I get it now. How it's all interconnected - glutamate, GABA, serotonin, dopamine, etc. And that PAIN is RECOVERY.

 

Cheers,

Georgi

[[Aj...]]

You are 29. So you have not wasted your life. Most of it is ahead of you.

 

I have been ill and largely housebound since I was 26. I am now 51.

[[He...]]

Amazing read, and amazing courage, you have a talent for

bringing your journey to life so it felt like we were there with you.

As already stated you are only 29, your life is still ahead of

you and if you are serious about healing you will do it.

Thanks for sharing!

[[Be...]]

Ajusta, I'm so sorry to hear that. I hope conditions improve for you  I would say the same line to an 18-year-old. I guess, the younger you are, the less life you can imagine. I wish you health and all the success in the world in the taper You are so close to zero!

 

Herewegoagain, thank you. Maybe it is courage, maybe it isn't. I just don't have a clue how I got myself addicted to such high doses. I just woke up, and am reflecting on my life, and how if anybody told me I'd be back on benzos just a year ago, I'd be like "Are you kidding me?" I had totally forgotten about them. Anyway, thanks for the support, and I am dead serious about doing it right this time. After I read Patrick's post, I feel much more optimistic. For example, it never occurred to me that even serotonin could be linked to GABA and glutamate causing this morbid depressive outlook on my outcome. I wish you all the best, and hope you heal fully in the future