True self

[[Tr...]]

Hello my name is True self.  I am a 65 year old nurse who became addicted to Ativan after my divorce from a man I was married to for 33 years. I also  became addicted to opiates (OxyContin,) and am currently on Suboxone.I have been taking 4-5 mg of Ativan for 4 years. I have previously taken xanax 3-4 mg daily for 6 months as well as zolpidem dIly for 2 years. As I remember it  was very difficult to get off the Xanax but not this hard. I went to a rehab program to  begin my taper and was put in Librium 10 -20 mg daily for 1 week.  Then only took 1 10 mg Librium per week for the next three weeks. I had severe bleoharospasm, shaking high blood pressure splitting headaches.sweating, cold and light intolerance. That is a partial list.I thought the worst was over and the phychiatrist gave me 29 Librium to take homE. This was a month ago.a month ago. I have been taking about 2.5 to 5 mg Librium every other day but have episodes of  shaking, depersonalization, headache and really severe tinnitis., no appetite.

Does anyone think this taper is too fast? The psychiatrist  is saying I should take less every week but I’m finding I can’t get the energy to walk my dog and go to AA meetings , which is my only responsibility now. AA has welcomed me, even though I am not an alcoholic but the root cause of addiction is the same., I think .I also attend NA meetings once per week. It’s hard for me to get to NA meetings because they are located far from me.

I know my story is not a happy one.. I have such feelings if shame about what I have become. I was a practicing nurse for 40 years  and was working 60 hrs a week for the last seven years and was able to stand the grind only with the use of drugs.  My addiction was not apparent to my employer and they are holding my job, though I won’t be able to return to that sort of work.I am now in disability due to my addiction. And also for Graves’ disease.( hyperthyroidism).

 

My primary doctor is sympathetic and lovely. She is treating me for hyperthyroidism.

My family has no idea of the seriousness of my disease. I have their support but I need to take my 93 y/o mother to MD appts and help her with shopping . I don’t want to disclose my feelings to her and my grown children so I try to act “as if” I’m feeling better.

Any feedback would be welcome. Thank you so much.

[[ba...]]

No shame!

You are in a situation where you were prescribed medication, with no informed consent as to the havoc it wreaks. You were also tapered ridiculously fast.

 

You are ill, not defective, immoral or wrong. You are the beautiful person you have always been, and you are in the fight for your life to get through this. Everything your experiencing is completely normal with withdraw, and we all experience it. You are among friends.

 

And you will get through this.

 

Healing from cold turkey/ fast tapering can take 6 months to 2 years,  Even though you are in distress, that is quite an accomplishment. You can reinstate and re taper, however, it will put you back in the cycle of side effects, and you will still experience withdraw (although perhaps not as severe as now.) Carefully decide, with medical support, what options are best for you not only now, but in the long run.

 

We will be here for you regardless.

 

This is a time to start finding activities and experiences which help calm your nervous system down, as well as support, perhaps from a psychologist (they don't prescribe medication, so are more focused on therapies which allow you to accept and cope with your situation.)

 

You need to start gathering coping mechanisms. One very effective and easy one is simply deep breathing. And, you need to know your going to come out of this: you will. Mindfullness is good. And distraction is crucial. When you are engaged in a mental and or/physical activity, your not so focused on how you feel. Get up and leave the room your in. Go outside. Start doing something. within reason, you don't think you can. When you are in a sate of depletion, go to bed. You can't give to others when you are depleted, You have to build your strength back up. Practice self care, from allowing yourself to remove all stimulation to engaging in a sport. Find as many coping mechanisms as you can, no matter how silly. I sometimes write on my arm in sharpie, "temporary," or "healing." I have a cuff that says "Keep &%#$@ going."

 

By using copint techniques, you are not only calming down your system, but developing what can become a lifelong tool box for coping with painful and distressing situations.

 

There are some good books on the topic, as well as on line lectures and meditations. Heather Ashton has a serious of lectures. She is very effective at validating the pain, then expressing that it is normal, and not be frightened by it.

 

Here are some helpful links:

"What is happening in your brain," is a wonderful place to start your self education. It explains why we experience all the things we do, and that they are all signs of healing. I still read this at least once a week when the symptoms are overwhelming  me.

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=66397.0

 

rapid wd/ct http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=53153.0

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=133.0

 

This is a list of withdraw symptoms:

https://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha03.htm#4

 

If you reinstate and taper,the max recommended cut is 5-10% every 2 weeks. Many of us have to go slower, depending on our medication and what we can handle. Here are the boards on tapering. Feel free to print out anything you wish, and share it with your doctor.

 

http://www.benzo.org.uk/manual 

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=56.0

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=145.0

 

In the forums pertinent to your circumstances, you will find other buddies going through their own cold turkey and protracted withdraw. You are not yet at the place where protracted withdraw is in play, but if it does happen, there is member support for it. This is a good place to ask questions, and receive guidance.

 

Welcome to Benzo Buddies, you have come to a safe, confidential informative support group, and we are happy to have you as a member.

 

Please take some time to Create a Signature. This will help other members understand your history so they will be better able to support you. Go to the top of the page and select Profile, then choose Forum Profile, insert drug history/timelines into the text box and click Change Profile.

 

We look forward to reading more from you over the forthcoming days and weeks.

 

Take care,

 

 

BB Team

[[Fo...]]

My sympathies about the cut made to you. And congrats on managing all these years.

Take heart

Dickie