My arrogance and stupidity....

[Guest [St...]]

I am now 15 months off.....I thank God. The internet helped too and BB has been instrumental. I thought I was one of the luckier ones who used benzos - I am not like most of those unlucky souls on BB, I am thorough, I am careful, I am disciplined - and it shows, my road to recovery has been much easier than theirs.....

 

That was ignorant and arrogant to think, I am exaggerating a bit but I wish to demonstrate a point. For the last eight weeks I have been in a wave. I was cycling twice a week, long distances but I noticed fatigue came quicker and recovery slower. I noticed a vague sense of dread that I have not had since still being benzos. Suddenly I got all my issues manifesting in my gut (this has often been the case in my life). I thought I had an ulcer again, I was overwhelmed then got all day fatigue, brain fog, what I call arthritis like pains in my lower spine, knees and ankles. I even battle to reach my feet in the shower now....

 

It started with fatigue and shortness of breath, I was sleeping 6 to 7 hours a night, that is down to 4 now. Upset stomach for a week and now constant fatigue, aching joints and brain fog. I still go to work everyday but I am useless there. I read of the Benz victims who lost everything - again, that could not happen to me, I empathised but I did not realise now far reaching Benz destruction is. A lot of people rely on me to do a good job at my work, I am failing, and have been but a shadow of myself for over 10 years..... it has negatively affected myself and my colleagues.

 

This is a very difficult wave, it is like a catch 22, I have to rest but I also have to read and recover and work and move on.

 

MY STUPIDITY AND ARROGANCE: I was feeling so good that caffeine worked as it should and gave me a lovely boost - I was drinking 4 or 5 cups in the first two hours of my day  - this damaged me. Vicious circle, sleep deteriorated and I used a pack of 24 codeine tablets (15mg at two or three a night)  at night before bed over a two week period - any brain chemistry altering compound always beats me up  - I know this  - arrogant again. Straight after that I had the stomach issue and admitted or finally accepted I was in a wave.

 

It has been weeks now  - you know the story, I go to work everyday but my work is piling up and the snowball is getting bigger.....

 

Even when I was on benzos I went into these states of not coping, then recovering and clearing the backlog and then repeating the stupidity.

 

The lesson to myself is I have limited strength, limited time and ability and I can only do so much. I have to be smart and disciplined and do a certain amount everyday and LEAVE IT AT THAT, or else I will always end up here.This goes back a long way with me. I am full of faults and I remember my dad often telling me to stop burning the candle at both ends.

 

This is a personality trait, habit, history or underlying cause (pre Benz) that increases my level of stress. Stress does do harm, it does make us sick and if we are in withdrawal our tolerance to stress is surely far lower. I have said to myself many times that I will never do this to myself again, and here my hypocrisy or arrogance is exposed, I failed again. Now I have even more catching up to do....no, that will not work. Living and staying in the present instead of dwelling in the past or fretting about the future, having wisdom, remembering the lesson and not doing it again like a fool - that will work.

 

So, taking on too much, a couple of coffees in the morning and one pack codeine took me out.....this is not an underlying problem, anyone with too little sleep and too much to do will eventually falter into exhaustion, because of benzos it happens somewhat sooner I guess. How terrible it must be for those individuals who go through this again and again  - never realising what it is, that you have a limit, thinking it is a myriad of other things....

 

So here's to learning from others and my own mistakes. Hoping to remember and not keep going through the same cycle every so often.....?

 

Also, symptomatic of living in benzonia for so long, I looked at my history of tapering, jump and post Benz recovery while trying to figure out this wave, my last taper was 15 months and not 9 months as I said, so I will edit my signature.

[[Le...]]

Although I am very careful right now, you sharing your story will undoubtedly help me and many others avoid doing the same thing. Thank Soo Much for Sharing and please know that you are going to make it back to your health and will definitely keep it this time around. Take care.

[[Ma...]]

Yep, I'm pre wave for sure. I can always tell when the insomnia comes back. So I've cut out even my one decal a day, and I'm trying to rest, I'm slowing down. It's not helping, I feel just awful (@16 months out), but it's my second wave in all of this, and I came out of the other one nicely. Funny, I'm feeling it in my stomach too. It spasms. I have no precious issues there. Or any with anxiety as I was given these pills to help me sleep while I was being stalked. It's awful, not being able to live your life and knowing better than to try. Let's just hope this all passes very soon. My tendency is to get protracted, so I make hay while the sun shines, which might be why I go protracted lol. Yeah, time to slow down.