My Benzo Story

[[Be...]]

I joined because I'm feeling really desperate and alone. I started taking Clonazepam about 20 years ago for severe anxiety. The initial dosage was 4-5mgs, then 3-4, and then to 2mgs a day about 10 years ago. I started tapering about 17 months ago. My doctor insisted I taper slowly and it took 14 months. A few months before I finished the taper, I started feeling kind of sick, and my ears started ringing. At the time, I didn't connect it to my taper. When I finally finished the taper, about 3 months ago, the ringing got much louder and I started feeling so sick I could barely get out of bed. If you look up Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome, I have the majority of the symptoms. I was not able to function, at all, and after about 2 months of this, my doctor begrudgingly put me back on .125mgs. That didn't help at all. I saw him last week, and he upped the dose to .25. I thought I would feel so much better, but no, I feel worse. I thought I was sick before. I can barely stand up, I'm so dizzy. I have no idea what to do now. And this doesn't make any sense. I am going out of my mind. I'm not sure if I should go back down or stay where I am. I've never been so miserable in my life.

[[Be...]]

 

Hello BeyondBenzos!

 

We are very glad that you found us!

 

I am sorry you struggling. You are not alone. What you have described is all to common with benzo withdrawal. For those of us who are extremely sensitive, it can take longer than we expect to recover. Unfortunately, this is the case for many of us long term users.  I would strongly suggest you get off the benzo asap. It may take a while to fully heal so try to be patient, you will recover.

 

I would also like to suggest that you do some research on the various boards. Becoming well informed should better enable you to make difficult decisions as well as provide you with the tools you need for a successful taper & recovery.  You will find many knowledgeable members who will support your efforts to be benzo free. I have enclosed a few links below that may help you. Check them out!

 

Wishing you a smooth taper & speedy recovery!

Bella 

 

Please take the time to tell us about your history by creating a signature:

For a direct link:

CLICK HERE --->

Create a Signature <--- CLICK HERE 

           

Links:

Professor Heather Ashton's

Manual

Boards:

General Taper Plans   

Withdrawal Support (during your taper) 

What's happening inside your brain

Taper Info:

Suggested reduction rate is 5% - 10% every 10 - 14 days 

Create Your Own Taper Plan  by Jim Hawk 

You-Tube step-by-step  Tutorial Video

Other Tutorials:

Visual Tutorials

[[ea...]]

Reading this almost made me cry. I was forced to go off a 30 year habit of benzos, for insomnia. I had NO idea benzo wd could be like that, and I am a daggone nurse. Well, now I know.

What you described is pure benzo withdrawal. Most of us have the same symptoms or used to. You are lucky that your doctor knew enough to suggest a taper. But once you go OFF that taper, withdrawal symptoms will occur in most people. Being on a benzo for 20 years is NOT safe, but no one told you this.

What yuou described is purely benzo wd, as long as your doctor has done some basic labs and checked you out medically.

Because benzos work on your brain, and your brain pretty much controls everything about you, benzo wd can cause hundreds of weird symptoms.

Tinnitis is a common wd symptom.

The only mistake you have made is going back on benzos and since your doctor suggested this, it  isn't your fault. We on BB call this "reinstating." Doing so may make wd get worse. You will not feel better until you once and for all get OFF benzos and go through the possibly slow process of recovering from such a long history of taking benzos. I took them for 30 years, and was forced by one of my doctors to go cold turkey off benzos and ADs. Took me about 3 years to get through wd but I am so much healthier and happier now. I consider this a small miracle.

Okay. Now your real work begins. It is time to learn a lot more about benzos and how they will affect you and what withdrawal can feel like. It isn't fun and it can be difficult, but once you do heal you will feel simply wonderful.

Because the general public, and most doctors, don't know much about this, you will probably have to trust what you read here on BB.

Start reading some of the truly great articles here on what causes those weird symptoms, and join in with all your comrades.

I am glad you found us!

[[go...]]

Beyond

 

Don't feel bad about being confused, lonely, and sick.  I feel well educated in pharmacology and failed to recognize my WD symptoms when they began to appear.  As I look back on my journey, which started in December 2018, I was in WD much earlier than it cerebrally registered.  In fact, when I was in full-blown acute WD, I thought I had something else wrong and only after backtracking did it finally register what was going on.

 

When I first read your post I thought you had a pretty sharp doc since he suggested a long term taper. I can understand his hesitancy to increase your dose.  It sounds as if you are lucky you have a doc with reasonable knowlege of Benzo WD.  I deal with numerous medical experts who have no clue benzo WD can last more than 2-4 weeks.  It is sad how many docs believe I have a psychological issue when I tell them all of the experiences I have endured.  I am of the belief you are going to experience some extremely rude WD symptoms regardless of how long you taper.  I use as an example, there would not be the traffic on this board if the long taper was the full answer to kicking Benzos.  Once you step completely off, you have to experience some type of symptomatology, it is simple physiology.  All of my personal research points to this being a correct assumption. 

 

I know it is easier said than done, but just realize you are healing and you have a lot of people here to support you.  I like you wondered if I should reinstate, in fact, at times I have wanted to cave in and just stay on the Benzos the rest of my life.  Just when I thought I couldn't take it, lack of sleep is my weakness, I would feel better for a few days.  I have learned to be patient, reach out to the members here and be determined I am going to win this battle.  I have been through numerous issues both physical and mental in my life and this is truly the most difficult thing I have ever done.  I am going on 4 months of Benzo free and have continued to experience a number of nasty symptoms. I've learned to never get too high or low with my healing, as the healing is nonlinear.  Hang in there my Benzo Buddie and please feel free to PM if you need support.  It will get better and when you do finally have a window, it will truly make you believe this trip was all worth the pain to get there.

Bryant

[[Ma...]]

Beyond

 

Don't feel bad about being confused, lonely, and sick.  I feel well educated in pharmacology and failed to recognize my WD symptoms when they began to appear.  As I look back on my journey, which started in December 2018, I was in WD much earlier than it cerebrally registered.  In fact, when I was in full-blown acute WD, I thought I had something else wrong and only after backtracking did it finally register what was going on.

 

When I first read your post I thought you had a pretty sharp doc since he suggested a long term taper. I can understand his hesitancy to increase your dose.  It sounds as if you are lucky you have a doc with reasonable knowlege of Benzo WD.  I deal with numerous medical experts who have no clue benzo WD can last more than 2-4 weeks.  It is sad how many docs believe I have a psychological issue when I tell them all of the experiences I have endured.  I am of the belief you are going to experience some extremely rude WD symptoms regardless of how long you taper.  I use as an example, there would not be the traffic on this board if the long taper was the full answer to kicking Benzos.  Once you step completely off, you have to experience some type of symptomatology, it is simple physiology.  All of my personal research points to this being a correct assumption. 

 

I know it is easier said than done, but just realize you are healing and you have a lot of people here to support you.  I like you wondered if I should reinstate, in fact, at times I have wanted to cave in and just stay on the Benzos the rest of my life.  Just when I thought I couldn't take it, lack of sleep is my weakness, I would feel better for a few days.  I have learned to be patient, reach out to the members here and be determined I am going to win this battle.  I have been through numerous issues both physical and mental in my life and this is truly the most difficult thing I have ever done.  I am going on 4 months of Benzo free and have continued to experience a number of nasty symptoms. I've learned to never get too high or low with my healing, as the healing is nonlinear.  Hang in there my Benzo Buddie and please feel free to PM if you need support.  It will get better and when you do finally have a window, it will truly make you believe this trip was all worth the pain to get there.

Bryant

 

goldmon, that was an excellent post and explanation.  I don't think it could be said any better so I will just start a new post and give our new member some home work 

[[Ma...]]

Hey BeyondBenzo's , welcome  to bb.  The very good news is you had a Dr that understood slow tapering, most Dr's don't have a clue.  You were probably in tolerance a long time, meaning your body was craving an updose and has it's own set of sxs we often think is something else.  That's why the .25 really isn't helping, and if you did a large updose , it would only be a short time before, your brain and central nervous system were craving more.  If the .25 isn't helping, I would slowly daily liquid micro taper off and just get all the benzo out of your system.  It's not going to be an easy time, but you can do it, imo.

Please go back to the moderators post and look for the signature link and fill out, remember to hit update . That way we can see your whole drug history.  There are many good threads on here for people that have finished their taper and are feeling awful.  The moderator also left you links to some great information for the position you find yourself in.  Again, welcome to bb.  We will all be glad to help!  Mary ♥️

 

[[go...]]

Beyond

 

Don't feel bad about being confused, lonely, and sick.  I feel well educated in pharmacology and failed to recognize my WD symptoms when they began to appear.  As I look back on my journey, which started in December 2018, I was in WD much earlier than it cerebrally registered.  In fact, when I was in full-blown acute WD, I thought I had something else wrong and only after backtracking did it finally register what was going on.

 

When I first read your post I thought you had a pretty sharp doc since he suggested a long term taper. I can understand his hesitancy to increase your dose.  It sounds as if you are lucky you have a doc with reasonable knowledge of Benzo WD.  I deal with numerous medical experts who have no clue benzo WD can last more than 2-4 weeks.  It is sad how many docs believe I have a psychological issue when I tell them all of the experiences I have endured.  I am of the belief you are going to experience some extremely rude WD symptoms regardless of how long you taper.  I use as an example, there would not be the traffic on this board if the long taper was the full answer to kicking Benzos.  Once you step completely off, you have to experience some type of symptomatology, it is simple physiology.  All of my personal research points to this being a correct assumption. 

 

I know it is easier said than done, but just realize you are healing and you have a lot of people here to support you.  I like you wondered if I should reinstate, in fact, at times I have wanted to cave in and just stay on the Benzos the rest of my life.  Just when I thought I couldn't take it, lack of sleep is my weakness, I would feel better for a few days.  I have learned to be patient, reach out to the members here and be determined I am going to win this battle.  I have been through numerous issues both physical and mental in my life and this is truly the most difficult thing I have ever done.  I am going on 4 months of Benzo free and have continued to experience a number of nasty symptoms. I've learned to never get too high or low with my healing, as the healing is nonlinear.  Hang in there my Benzo Buddie and please feel free to PM if you need support.  It will get better and when you do finally have a window, it will truly make you believe this trip was all worth the pain to get there.

Bryant

 

goldmon, that was an excellent post and explanation.  I don't think it could be said any better so I will just start a new post and give our new member some home work 

 

Thanks, Mary

 

I am glad I am of some use when I feel so worthless so much of the time.  I truly like to help people, I have come a long way since my days in practice.  I had no tolerance for people who failed to listen to my advice and did not meet healing expectations.  I have matured a lot since those days and this has been a humbling experience.  As I said in the post many colleagues believe I have a psychological issue when I share my experiences.  I do my best to educate them and those who do not care to understand, it is their loss.  I do stay busy working while dealing with Benzo Wds, however, I want to give as much time as I can to the Benzo Buddies website since my experience can be valuable to others.  Thanks again and believe me I am a long way from the finish line so I will probably be reaching out to you for support when I feel like giving up in the future.  Quiting is not an option, however it rears its ugly head on a regular basis.

 

Bryant

[[Ma...]]

Beyond

 

Don't feel bad about being confused, lonely, and sick.  I feel well educated in pharmacology and failed to recognize my WD symptoms when they began to appear.  As I look back on my journey, which started in December 2018, I was in WD much earlier than it cerebrally registered.  In fact, when I was in full-blown acute WD, I thought I had something else wrong and only after backtracking did it finally register what was going on.

 

When I first read your post I thought you had a pretty sharp doc since he suggested a long term taper. I can understand his hesitancy to increase your dose.  It sounds as if you are lucky you have a doc with reasonable knowledge of Benzo WD.  I deal with numerous medical experts who have no clue benzo WD can last more than 2-4 weeks.  It is sad how many docs believe I have a psychological issue when I tell them all of the experiences I have endured.  I am of the belief you are going to experience some extremely rude WD symptoms regardless of how long you taper.  I use as an example, there would not be the traffic on this board if the long taper was the full answer to kicking Benzos.  Once you step completely off, you have to experience some type of symptomatology, it is simple physiology.  All of my personal research points to this being a correct assumption. 

 

I know it is easier said than done, but just realize you are healing and you have a lot of people here to support you.  I like you wondered if I should reinstate, in fact, at times I have wanted to cave in and just stay on the Benzos the rest of my life.  Just when I thought I couldn't take it, lack of sleep is my weakness, I would feel better for a few days.  I have learned to be patient, reach out to the members here and be determined I am going to win this battle.  I have been through numerous issues both physical and mental in my life and this is truly the most difficult thing I have ever done.  I am going on 4 months of Benzo free and have continued to experience a number of nasty symptoms. I've learned to never get too high or low with my healing, as the healing is nonlinear.  Hang in there my Benzo Buddie and please feel free to PM if you need support.  It will get better and when you do finally have a window, it will truly make you believe this trip was all worth the pain to get there.

Bryant

 

goldmon, that was an excellent post and explanation.  I don't think it could be said any better so I will just start a new post and give our new member some home work 

 

Thanks, Mary

 

I am glad I am of some use when I feel so worthless so much of the time.  I truly like to help people, I have come a long way since my days in practice.  I had no tolerance for people who failed to listen to my advice and did not meet healing expectations.  I have matured a lot since those days and this has been a humbling experience.  As I said in the post many colleagues believe I have a psychological issue when I share my experiences.  I do my best to educate them and those who do not care to understand, it is their loss.  I do stay busy working while dealing with Benzo Wds, however, I want to give as much time as I can to the Benzo Buddies website since my experience can be valuable to others.  Thanks again and believe me I am a long way from the finish line so I will probably be reaching out to you for support when I feel like giving up in the future.  Quiting is not an option, however it rears its ugly head on a regular basis.

 

Bryant

 

Working and wd has to be so incredibly hard, and then to come on here to help , is pretty amazing.

We need your help to and it is greatly appreciated.  Please reach out to me anytime, I am not sure I can give you much advice, you are on top of things, but I can do the, no please, you can't quit thing pretty good  . Much luck to you Bryant, Mary,♥️

[[go...]]

Mary

 

If you have lived you have something to offer!  Trust me you will help many and you will help me.  The one thing I believe is your mind can be your best ally and your biggest enemy.  It is within those experiences that you have the ability to help.  I guess when I can get here I will be the rear end kicker because as I read so many posts I truly believe the lack of commitment and the person's lack of belief is the thing that will eventually be their downfall.  If you can imagine it in your mind's eye you can make it happen.  Trust me I have had my back against the wall far too many times in this life and it would have been easier to quit.  I understand it takes time to build strength and belief,  God knows to be a pain patient since the age of 15 has presented many battles, thereby increasing my confidence I can overcome.  I look forward to helping everyone I can to win their battle!  Continuing to work, battling my WDs and living as much of a normal life gives me a wonderful distraction to help me win another battle in my life.  Please feel free to reach out and let me know how I can help you.

[[Ma...]]

Mary

 

If you have lived you have something to offer!  Trust me you will help many and you will help me.  The one thing I believe is your mind can be your best ally and your biggest enemy.  It is within those experiences that you have the ability to help.  I guess when I can get here I will be the real end kicker because as I read so many posts I truly believe the lack of commitment and the person's lack of belief is the thing that will eventually be their downfall.  If you can imagine it in your mind's eye you can make it happen.  Trust me I have had my back against the wall far too many times in this life and it would have been easier to quit.  I understand it takes time to build strength and belief,  God knows to be a pain patient since the age of 15 has presented many battles, thereby increasing my confidence I can overcome.  I look forward to helping everyone I can to win their battle!  Continuing to work, battling my WDs and living as much of a normal life gives me a wonderful distraction to help me win another battle in my life.  Please feel free to reach out and let me know how I can help you.

 

Thank you goldmon, I will take you up on that offer!  . Mary

[[ea...]]

Something I learned in my own long and miserable experience getting off benzos and ADs was that helping other people and NOT putting me first, was very beneficial to me. I have been a nurse for years, but not till I got off those drugs did I even begin to understand the power of the mind, and helping others get through dark times would also help me. Getting off these drugs has been the most difficult thing I have done...yet. And it was simply awful, what I went through almost 7 years ago.

Well, now I am healed from this and I STILL benefit from helping others make it through.

None of us knew this could happen, and the shame of that is that we were NOT told the entire truth about psych meds. I find that disturbing and makes me feel a bit ashamed that I used to direct patients to "take their pills as it will make you feel better."

NOT!!!!

east

[[An...]]

Reading this almost made me cry. I was forced to go off a 30 year habit of benzos, for insomnia. I had NO idea benzo wd could be like that, and I am a daggone nurse. Well, now I know.

What you described is pure benzo withdrawal. Most of us have the same symptoms or used to. You are lucky that your doctor knew enough to suggest a taper. But once you go OFF that taper, withdrawal symptoms will occur in most people. Being on a benzo for 20 years is NOT safe, but no one told you this.

What yuou described is purely benzo wd, as long as your doctor has done some basic labs and checked you out medically.

Because benzos work on your brain, and your brain pretty much controls everything about you, benzo wd can cause hundreds of weird symptoms.

Tinnitis is a common wd symptom.

The only mistake you have made is going back on benzos and since your doctor suggested this, it  isn't your fault. We on BB call this "reinstating." Doing so may make wd get worse. You will not feel better until you once and for all get OFF benzos and go through the possibly slow process of recovering from such a long history of taking benzos. I took them for 30 years, and was forced by one of my doctors to go cold turkey off benzos and ADs. Took me about 3 years to get through wd but I am so much healthier and happier now. I consider this a small miracle.

Okay. Now your real work begins. It is time to learn a lot more about benzos and how they will affect you and what withdrawal can feel like. It isn't fun and it can be difficult, but once you do heal you will feel simply wonderful.

Because the general public, and most doctors, don't know much about this, you will probably have to trust what you read here on BB.

Start reading some of the truly great articles here on what causes those weird symptoms, and join in with all your comrades.

I am glad you found us!

Thanks eastcoast for this post!

[[ea...]]

Beyond, what have you decided to do? You are in a tough spot now. I can tell you fifty times that just about everyone heals from benzos and other psych drugs, but you wont believe me until it happens to you.

For some reason, some people have a really hard time getting off these drugs. And it is very scary to not know what will happen next. I can also tell you that nothing truly awful will happen to you if you get off benzos, but you MAY feel pretty rocky and unwell for a while.  The weird thing about benzos is they can cause one to be depressed, or more anxious,  and that is what they call tolerance withdrawal. I took benzos for so long and never once knew the immense damage they would do to me. Over the years I had many strange symptoms and no doctor could figure out why. But once I healed from benzos, ALL those old problems just disappeared. MY drugs caused it and nothing else. I know this is confusing but I still urge you to stick with it and try to get off benzos....forever.

[[Ma...]]

goldmon, I haven't seen you post in awhile, just checking on you, hoping you are okay!  Mary ♥️♥️

[[go...]]

Mary

 

Thanks for checking on me.  I have continued to work, but also got hammered by the 3.5-4 month wave many have described.  I tried not to consciously acknowledge the existence however, it caught up with me.  I am totally wiped out by the time I do 4-6 hours of work.  I jumped on the site today for some encouragement since this wave has lasted longer than any other time except the first 6 weeks of acute.  If anyone out there wants to share their 4th-month hell it would be greatly appreciated.  I'll be back and trust me once I get past this wave and fully healed I will stay in touch with the site because success stories and encouragement is something needed by anyone dealing with benzo WD!

[[Ma...]]

Mary

 

Thanks for checking on me.  I have continued to work, but also got hammered by the 3.5-4 month wave many have described.  I tried not to consciously acknowledge the existence however, it caught up with me.  I am totally wiped out by the time I do 4-6 hours of work.  I jumped on the site today for some encouragement since this wave has lasted longer than any other time except the first 6 weeks of acute.  If anyone out there wants to share their 4th-month hell it would be greatly appreciated.  I'll be back and trust me once I get past this wave and fully healed I will stay in touch with the site because success stories and encouragement is something needed by anyone dealing with benzo WD!

 

So sorry to hear you are getting hit so hard .  Go to withdrawal support thread and ask a question, that way lots of people can read it, few will read it here, wish you healing, please keep me posted 

Love, Mary

[[ea...]]

Tonight I am full of both joy and sorrow. Seven years ago, when I started my long journey getting off ben zos and ADs, I put my RN license on retired status. Back then, I weighed 85 lbs and had to use a walker to move around at all. That was due to a femur fracture I got, thanks to benzos. At that time I did not think I would ever be ABLE to work again, I was that sick.

All due to benzos.

And I was forced to g cold turkey off it all, and I do not regret that a bit. I am so GLAD this happened. The doctor who did this didn't know any better, but he did mean well. And I also know I was so addicted it was my ONLY chance of living without drugs.

A few months ago I started the process to get my RN license back. I had to come up with a lot of money, for me. And take a lot of Continuing Ed courses online, easy but tedious and time consuming. Thanks to benzos, I do not make much money now, I do clean houses, but work is sometimes hard to find. I make do, and don't want to sound as if I am  whining and crying "poor me." I am not.  I actually LIKE cleaning houses, and this only happened late in my withdrawal saga. I suddenly became slightly OCD about cleaning. I do think this is due to a feeling that I had to "clean up my life."

Well, I finished all the CEUS and sent my application back in to the State of Florida several months ago. For some reason I did not receive the paper copy of my renewed license until today. The minute I saw that envelope I knew what it contained. I went inside and opened it and promptly burst into tears. I worked so hard to put myself through Nursing College. And unfortunately, as soon as I began working as an RN I started taking benzos. If you ever saw that TV show Nurse Jackie, that might as well have been me. But not narcotics. Just benzos, and I had NO idea how badly they would affect me over the nest 30 years.

Well. I am here today- a lot healthier and happier than I was seven y ears ago when I started this journey. I am now able to work and earn a small living at 69 years old. I am so much healthier now, without benzos and ADs. I am a fairly content woman now, which is amazing.

All of this just by opening a simple envelope containing a small piece of paper confirming that the State of Florida recognizes me as an RN again.

What a wonderful thing for this little old lady.

east

[[Ma...]]

Tonight I am full of both joy and sorrow. Seven years ago, when I started my long journey getting off ben zos and ADs, I put my RN license on retired status. Back then, I weighed 85 lbs and had to use a walker to move around at all. That was due to a femur fracture I got, thanks to benzos. At that time I did not think I would ever be ABLE to work again, I was that sick.

All due to benzos.

And I was forced to g cold turkey off it all, and I do not regret that a bit. I am so GLAD this happened. The doctor who did this didn't know any better, but he did mean well. And I also know I was so addicted it was my ONLY chance of living without drugs.

A few months ago I started the process to get my RN license back. I had to come up with a lot of money, for me. And take a lot of Continuing Ed courses online, easy but tedious and time consuming. Thanks to benzos, I do not make much money now, I do clean houses, but work is sometimes hard to find. I make do, and don't want to sound as if I am  whining and crying "poor me." I am not.  I actually LIKE cleaning houses, and this only happened late in my withdrawal saga. I suddenly became slightly OCD about cleaning. I do think this is due to a feeling that I had to "clean up my life."

Well, I finished all the CEUS and sent my application back in to the State of Florida several months ago. For some reason I did not receive the paper copy of my renewed license until today. The minute I saw that envelope I knew what it contained. I went inside and opened it and promptly burst into tears. I worked so hard to put myself through Nursing College. And unfortunately, as soon as I began working as an RN I started taking benzos. If you ever saw that TV show Nurse Jackie, that might as well have been me. But not narcotics. Just benzos, and I had NO idea how badly they would affect me over the nest 30 years.

Well. I am here today- a lot healthier and happier than I was seven y ears ago when I started this journey. I am now able to work and earn a small living at 69 years old. I am so much healthier now, without benzos and ADs. I am a fairly content woman now, which is amazing.

All of this just by opening a simple envelope containing a small piece of paper confirming that the State of Florida recognizes me as an RN again.

What a wonderful thing for this little old lady.

east

 

That is just so wonderful east, I am so happy for you!  You worked so hard and you've done it.  You should be so damn proud, Mary ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️

 

 

[[Sa...]]

Annie (east),

 

Congratulations!!  You deserve that piece of paper!

 

SaraSue