Question for the Healed - Regarding "Windows"

[[Fa...]]

So, I went to see Aladdin last night with my husband.  I've been in a pretty bad wave since last week.

 

Last night I had to actually leave the movie theater and text a fellow BenzoBuddy because I truly felt I was going insane.

I was on my knees the last two days begging God because I feel I am at my limit with the anxiety and inability to continue this way.

 

I went to bed last night and focused on the "Now" (Eckardt Toll or whatever his name is).

 

I woke up this morning and before I opened my eyes I could feel I was in a bit of a window.

I checked the clock and my Fitbit and I think I actually slept 7-8 hours!!

The "window" feeling continued for a while.  I walked out into the kitchen, ate some cereal, went back in my bedroom and got dressed.

 

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.  Like I'm on a balance beam that I don't want to fall off of.

 

I'm looking around and trying to "feel" my old life.  Like, I can sense it's right within my grasp.

 

But it's almost scary!!  It's like . . . what do I do??  Do I go for my walk like I always do?  go about my daily chores?

 

It feels like no matter what I do, I feel like I'm doing the same things I did trying to recover and I don't WANT to do those things.

 

Does that make sense?  Doing the laundry reminds me of w/d.  Cleaning the kitchen, sitting on the couch... ALL OF IT... EVERYTHING reminds me of W/D and I can feel myself slipping back into that "rut".  I can feel the window closing the more I go about trying to act "normal".

 

 

HOW DO YOU KEEP THE WINDOW OPEN?? 

 

And when you felt windows did they feel weird at first??? 

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

I know so much on here is about the suffering, but I need help with the healing part... if that's what this is.

 

Thanks.

 

 

 

 

[[pi...]]

Hello FakeIt,

 

There is nothing we can do to keep the windows open, but I tried to enjoy every moment of them. Know that these windows are a glimpse of your future wellness. The window may close, for me it was discouraging when that happened. After my first year there was a time I was certain I was healed and even mentally started to write my success story. Sadly, I wasn't quite there and had a pretty bad wave after that. 

 

Cherish the feeling of wellness. Do whatever feels comfortable, your cns is healing.

 

pianogirl 

[[Fa...]]

Thanks. I think more importantly than how do I keep them open has the people who are healed feel weird when they first started experiencing them? I mean it's been so long since I've felt my normal life it's almost like I don't recognize it. it makes me worry that I can almost rebuilt my life around this whole condition and now I don't know how to return to normal.

[[An...]]

I think it is very important to give up control to the process. Windows are to be savored and enjoyed. No point in ruining your good time with worry. You will heal but you have to give it time. I think it is major you could even go the movie theater.  During a window I have always just done what I always do. During a wave I have just done what I always do. My point is Live your Life and pray for a healing, not sitting around worrying about what may or may not come. That is my advice. I hope you have continued windows.

[[Fa...]]

I think it is very important to give up control to the process. Windows are to be savored and enjoyed. No point in ruining your good time with worry. You will heal but you have to give it time. I think it is major you could even go the movie theater.  During a window I have always just done what I always do. During a wave I have just done what I always do. My point is Live your Life and pray for a healing, not sitting around worrying about what may or may not come. That is my advice. I hope you have continued windows.

 

this is the best advice ever and it's what I'm trying to do but as you can tell I'm not doing it very well. Lol

 

I think that's been one of my major problems with this whole thing is getting it out of my head and struggling with it and trying to fight it. When I walk this morning I thought to myself how am I going to get past this and put this in my past if I continually struggle with it. I'm like a linebacker that won't let the offensive player get by.... If I don't let go it won't go past.

 

It's such a huge mental struggle for me.

any other advice anybody has for me in that regard would be very welcome.

[[Sa...]]

I think it is very important to give up control to the process. Windows are to be savored and enjoyed. No point in ruining your good time with worry. You will heal but you have to give it time. I think it is major you could even go the movie theater.  During a window I have always just done what I always do. During a wave I have just done what I always do. My point is Live your Life and pray for a healing, not sitting around worrying about what may or may not come. That is my advice. I hope you have continued windows.

 

this is the best advice ever and it's what I'm trying to do but as you can tell I'm not doing it very well. Lol

 

I think that's been one of my major problems with this whole thing is getting it out of my head and struggling with it and trying to fight it. When I walk this morning I thought to myself how am I going to get past this and put this in my past if I continually struggle with it. I'm like a linebacker that won't let the offensive player get by.... If I don't let go it won't go past.

 

It's such a huge mental struggle for me.

any other advice anybody has for me in that regard would be very welcome.

 

Fighting it is futile.  I’m trying to go with the flow (good or bad).  Only you can let it go and live.  You have great progress and healing behind you.

 

SaraSue

[[pr...]]

Enjoy those windows Fakeit! There are more to come my dear.

[[Fa...]]

I just don't understand how it can be kind of a window mixed with a feeling like I'm going insane.

How does that make any sense?

And it just keeps feeling weirder the more the day progresses.

Ugh

[[de...]]

I sometimes feel afraid when a window appears. Which is not often.

 

Scared to re-enter the 'real' world, much as I want it.  It seems so big, overwhelming. 

 

Have decided to take thing really slowly, and let the future unfold as it will. 

 

Dee

 

 

 

 

 

 

[[Fa...]]

I sometimes feel afraid when a window appears. Which is not often.

 

Scared to re-enter the 'real' world, much as I want it.  It seems so big, overwhelming. 

 

Have decided to take thing really slowly, and let the future unfold as it will. 

 

Dee

 

I can relate a wee bit. this morning it was just kind of a what do I do with myself???  I don't know after a year-and-a-half how to not just go for great big long walks and ruminate over everything. That sounds so silly but I literally stood there going what do I do if my life is back to normal??

[[go...]]

if we knew of a way to keep the windows open none of us would be here

[[Fa...]]

if we knew of a way to keep the windows open none of us would be here

 

Yes. I realize this.  My question wasn't how to keep them open; it's how to deal with the feelings if they are overwhelming.

I've spent every day since November 17, 2017 feeling "sick" and trying to figure out how to get through this.  I've implemented so many "coping" mechanisms (walking, painting, web surfing, gardening, etc.) and it's basically become my whole life 24/7.  So when I woke up with a slight window I suddenly found myself NOT wanting to walk, paint, pick up my phone, read, or anything else.  All of a sudden everything just made me think about w/d and the trauma of this whole experience.  It was like I couldn't move past it.

 

Even now, I can feel healing happening in some ways.  I can see it if I look back in time, but it's been SO slow that my entire life has really changed.

 

I'm not sure how to 'cope' with that. 

 

I was looking to people who have healed to see if they experienced anything similar as they started to emerge from this hell.

 

I still have high anxiety.  Very little ability to cope with stress.  I still can't watch the tv shows or movies I used to like.  My brain still feels "off" (like I have dementia or something). 

 

There's so much talk about all the bad symptoms too... it would be nice to get a thread or two going about the healing process and what to expect as it starts to unfold.  But that's just my opinion.

 

 

[[ma...]]

FakeItTilYouMakeIt, I like that name. Under your name it says God has a plan. Trust Him. I know its hard to trust Him when you are going through this. I know it has been for me. 8 months off and praying all the time. He said He would not put more on us than we can bear. Never knew I could bear this much but, I have for 8 months now. I know that's not long in benzo time so I keep hanging on to the only one who can do something about this torture. If He chooses not to then He is still God and my eternal life is in His hands.

Psalm 46:10 - He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I have been so worried about the w/d that I am never still. I have learned in the past few months that I can do little things for others when I don't even feel like it. It is refreshing when others thank you for things they never expected you to do. These are the times when I realize that I wasn't thinking about w/d then. Jesus done for others and taught us to do the same. We cant change what we are going through or how tough it is. I cant feel happy right now so why not make someone else happy. I have prayed for healing and sometimes we have to realize that God already gave us a body that will heal. I truly thank Him for this. His time not ours. Sure wish I could change that.

Sure hope you can feel the prayer I prayed for you. One day when we heal, we will realize He was there all the time.

Take comfort in this. May God bless you and give you His peace, joy and comfort.

 

[[Fa...]]

FakeItTilYouMakeIt, I like that name. Under your name it says God has a plan. Trust Him. I know its hard to trust Him when you are going through this. I know it has been for me. 8 months off and praying all the time. He said He would not put more on us than we can bear. Never knew I could bear this much but, I have for 8 months now. I know that's not long in benzo time so I keep hanging on to the only one who can do something about this torture. If He chooses not to then He is still God and my eternal life is in His hands.

Psalm 46:10 - He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I have been so worried about the w/d that I am never still. I have learned in the past few months that I can do little things for others when I don't even feel like it. It is refreshing when others thank you for things they never expected you to do. These are the times when I realize that I wasn't thinking about w/d then. Jesus done for others and taught us to do the same. We cant change what we are going through or how tough it is. I cant feel happy right now so why not make someone else happy. I have prayed for healing and sometimes we have to realize that God already gave us a body that will heal. I truly thank Him for this. His time not ours. Sure wish I could change that.

Sure hope you can feel the prayer I prayed for you. One day when we heal, we will realize He was there all the time.

Take comfort in this. May God bless you and give you His peace, joy and comfort.

 

Thank you for this reply! I will truly work at remembering this more often. I've been reading "how to pray when you need a miracle" and learning just how much more I need to lean into God. He has taken me through tragedies before and shown me why. I don't know why this trial is so much more brutal...I think because it is so mental. All the others were in my heart. It was my heart that broke. This time it's my brain that broke and it's harder to solve. It requires more trust I guess.

But thank you. I hope you feel the prayer I am sending to God, through Jesus for you now.

[[Ka...]]

Just try to distract yourself Fakeit, I think all of us have these intrusive thoughts about different things, yours just center around being afraid of 'losing the window', so distraction might work for you, for me exercise( starting very slow, working my way up to working out every single day, now I can't live without it) has been the best thing I could possibly do to distract myself, it takes my mind off of things, and makes me forget about my obssessive thoughts about different things.. May be you can try that, swimming has helped me too, and movies haven't really, I can't stand to watch tv or go to the movies these days, but reading has been great, hopefully this helps, good luck, hang in there:))

[[me...]]

Makeitstop, this kind of proselytizing is not allowed on the open forum.  Religious posts are only allowed in one place here, and that is the Faith Board.. Only there and nowhere else.  Directions on how to join it follow:

 

Access to faith-based Support is not automatic. To access the board, please go to:

 

Profile >> Modify Profile (from the lower menu bar) >> Group Membership >> 'Faith-based Support' >> click 'Request Membership >> add a reason for joining the group in the 'Request Group Membership' box (no detailed explanation required)>> click 'Submit Request'.

 

FakeItTilYouMakeIt, I like that name. Under your name it says God has a plan. Trust Him. I know its hard to trust Him when you are going through this. I know it has been for me. 8 months off and praying all the time. He said He would not put more on us than we can bear. Never knew I could bear this much but, I have for 8 months now. I know that's not long in benzo time so I keep hanging on to the only one who can do something about this torture. If He chooses not to then He is still God and my eternal life is in His hands.

Psalm 46:10 - He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;

I have been so worried about the w/d that I am never still. I have learned in the past few months that I can do little things for others when I don't even feel like it. It is refreshing when others thank you for things they never expected you to do. These are the times when I realize that I wasn't thinking about w/d then. Jesus done for others and taught us to do the same. We cant change what we are going through or how tough it is. I cant feel happy right now so why not make someone else happy. I have prayed for healing and sometimes we have to realize that God already gave us a body that will heal. I truly thank Him for this. His time not ours. Sure wish I could change that.

Sure hope you can feel the prayer I prayed for you. One day when we heal, we will realize He was there all the time.

Take comfort in this. May God bless you and give you His peace, joy and comfort.

[[Ea...]]

So, I went to see Aladdin last night with my husband.  I've been in a pretty bad wave since last week.

 

Last night I had to actually leave the movie theater and text a fellow BenzoBuddy because I truly felt I was going insane.

I was on my knees the last two days begging God because I feel I am at my limit with the anxiety and inability to continue this way.

 

I went to bed last night and focused on the "Now" (Eckardt Toll or whatever his name is).

 

I woke up this morning and before I opened my eyes I could feel I was in a bit of a window.

I checked the clock and my Fitbit and I think I actually slept 7-8 hours!!

The "window" feeling continued for a while.  I walked out into the kitchen, ate some cereal, went back in my bedroom and got dressed.

 

I feel like I'm walking on egg shells.  Like I'm on a balance beam that I don't want to fall off of.

 

I'm looking around and trying to "feel" my old life.  Like, I can sense it's right within my grasp.

 

But it's almost scary!!  It's like . . . what do I do??  Do I go for my walk like I always do?  go about my daily chores?

 

It feels like no matter what I do, I feel like I'm doing the same things I did trying to recover and I don't WANT to do those things.

 

Does that make sense?  Doing the laundry reminds me of w/d.  Cleaning the kitchen, sitting on the couch... ALL OF IT... EVERYTHING reminds me of W/D and I can feel myself slipping back into that "rut".  I can feel the window closing the more I go about trying to act "normal".

 

 

HOW DO YOU KEEP THE WINDOW OPEN?? 

 

And when you felt windows did they feel weird at first??? 

 

I hope this makes sense.

 

I know so much on here is about the suffering, but I need help with the healing part... if that's what this is.

 

Thanks.

 

I’m just glad that Will Smith’s genie didn’t throw you into an even worse wave! 😂😂😂 saw an opportunity for a joke so I decided to take it, take care & all the best.

[[Br...]]

if we knew of a way to keep the windows open none of us would be here

 

Yes. I realize this.  My question wasn't how to keep them open; it's how to deal with the feelings if they are overwhelming.

I've spent every day since November 17, 2017 feeling "sick" and trying to figure out how to get through this.  I've implemented so many "coping" mechanisms (walking, painting, web surfing, gardening, etc.) and it's basically become my whole life 24/7.  So when I woke up with a slight window I suddenly found myself NOT wanting to walk, paint, pick up my phone, read, or anything else.  All of a sudden everything just made me think about w/d and the trauma of this whole experience.  It was like I couldn't move past it.

 

Even now, I can feel healing happening in some ways.  I can see it if I look back in time, but it's been SO slow that my entire life has really changed.

 

I'm not sure how to 'cope' with that. 

 

I was looking to people who have healed to see if they experienced anything similar as they started to emerge from this hell.

 

I still have high anxiety.  Very little ability to cope with stress.  I still can't watch the tv shows or movies I used to like.  My brain still feels "off" (like I have dementia or something). 

 

There's so much talk about all the bad symptoms too... it would be nice to get a thread or two going about the healing process and what to expect as it starts to unfold.  But that's just my opinion.

 

This is only my opinion, my experience. I just want to share it with you if it can help you.

 

Ok, I don't really want to clean my house but I'm going to do it !

Ok, I don't feel to surf on the website but I'm going to do it !

Ok, I don't really want to go out and have a walk but I'm going to do it !

All I can do, I do it !

The same for all my activity, even the most intimate.

 

 Why do I have to do this ?

 

Do I feel joy and pleasure when I'm doing things ? NO

Do I feel frustrated and handicapped ? YES

Do I feel good when I'm workout ? NO

Do I feel pain and discomfort ? YES

Do I feel guilt and anxious every day ? YES

Do I feel s..t every morning ? Yes

 

So what ?

 

First, I want to stay  FREE !

I decide what I have to do, not my mental. The mental is not Me, I just have the responsibility to manage it all my life...

This dissociation between the mental and me is an important point to keep the control.

I don't let my mental takes the control. I am the Boss, even in the most trying times. It's a real exercise, I need to practice every second of my life since I am in withdrawal.

At first sight, it's seems complicated and uncomfortable, I know...

 Instead of thinking why you feel like this, tell to yourself that all your perception is altered and this not the "reality".

 

Second, I feel more comfortable, effective and PROUD !

 At the end of the day, the month, until now (24,5 months off), I feel exhausted but proud of myself !

I say (don't laugh)

" Hey ! Not everybody is able to do what you do ! Look at you ! you look so healthy ! And you are ! Who is going to kill the beast? You ! Yes, you are a god d..n warrior ! "

 

Thirdly, it gets better and better, month after month, even if it is not a linear process. I'm 80% "normal" at 2 years off now, and I really know what hell is, believe me !

 It means for me that time is a healer...but I have to HELP HIM !

 

The biggest challenge of my life is also the source of greatest reward.

 

Be patient and strong, keep the faith and fight!