Hi everybody. Day 7. Ugh

[[Ma...]]

Decided to join a group as I feel bad bugging my husband texting him all the time. I have been on clonazapam and zolpidem for 10 years for insomnia. I feel like I'm now paying for those 10 years of sleep. I didn't do a taper, as I felt my dose was low enough not to bother with it, and I've been through withdrawals of many kinds over the last 40+ years. Got into a fight with my doctor a few months back, as I was never told how addictive this stuff was til I did some research on it. I wanted to know why I wasn't told how hard it was to get off of this stuff, and why I wasn't told how addictive it was. He freaked, got into a snit, and threatened to cut me off. Told me that maybe it was time for me to find another doctor, cause he wasn't going to give me anymore. I quite literally had to BEG him not to cut me off, which just enraged me having to do that. I DON'T BEG FOR DRUGS. EVER. It's not like I was abusing the stuff. Kept to my proper dosage. I'm hanging on to that rage, as it's been what's getting me through this.

 

Well, I decided to cut myself off, before he got the chance. Tossed them all in the back of the cabinet, so I didn't have to look at them anymore. Got a bunch of supplements that were meant to keep you calm and help you sleep at night. I've wanted to get off this stuff for a while now. I did kratom and alcohol withdrawal before trying to get off the clonazapam and zolpidem. Felt like ick for about ten days, but not too bad. Hadn't been taking the kratom that long, and only have 2-3 beers a night, but that was every night. Figured I'd best clean up those two before I started on the more difficult stuff. My memory is crap, and I can't think or focus, as I found out through research that will happen with long term use of benzos. I want my brain functions back, and am willing to go through withdrawal hell to get there. As I was a bad kid back in the day, I've had to cut myself off many things, and did it myself without a support group or rehab. Didn't want to be stuck in some building with a bunch of people telling me what I can and can't do. Just decided I was done. I am determined to get through this, and I am wonderfully stubborn. Not having any cravings, just withdrawal symptoms. Bad headache due to high BP, bad muscle fatigue, muscle tension, bad muscle and joint pain, horrible insomnia, and cannot focus very well. I feel like I'm drunk most of the time, and supposedly, I have 7 more days to get through the worst of the symptoms before they start to subside. The shakes started today. In another 3 days, I should be over the worst of the zolpidem physical withdrawals. Done zolpidem withdrawal for a month before. Gets better about day 10. So the next 3 days are going to suck a mouthful of marbles.

 

On top of all this, my GP gave me a fibro drug that almost killed me, then tried to get me to take it AGAIN. My rheumatologist has given me drugs for RA, which I don't believe I have, as all 4 of the different tests I had were negative. I have OA. Those drugs tore up my GI tract, and I thought I was going to die. I am apparently very chemically sensitive. Nobody wants me as a patient, as I won't take my pills like a happy little camper, and just go fade back into the woodwork. My insurance won't cover naturopaths (what else is a chemically sensitive person supposed to see, for pete's sake???), and they are bloody expensive. I am very unhappy with the medical/pharmaceutical/health insurance complex right now. That's another pile of outrage I am hanging onto. When I feel like throwing in the towel, I bring those outrage feelings to the fore, and they just make me more determined to get through this.

 

Personally, I think the opiod crisis is less of an issue than benzos. Benzos are prescribed for SO many things. I have pulled myself out of opiods twice with less of a hassle. Benzos are just a nightmare of epic proportions. 2 weeks just to get to the worst of the symptoms. *snort* Opiods got nothing on benzos. Or is it benzos got nothing on opiods? I forget how that works. You know what I mean.

 

I am currently taking hibiscus tea and flaxseed for the high BP. Willow bark tea for the headaches and pain. Tried CBD oil for the rest, but it doesn't seem to do much. Very disappointed that it didn't live up to its hype, but not surprised.  Not everything works for everybody. I'm also taking Ashwaganda, L-theonine, L-tryptophan, 5HTP, valerian root, St John's Wort, melatonin, magnesium glycinate, and GABA for the rest. Going to quit all that too, eventually. I also have an herbal relaxing tea, and have ordered an anti-inflammatory tea. It all helps, not as much as I'd like, but these drugs are a b*****d to get off of, so I count myself lucky that I have anything to help at all. I also do yoga, which is getting harder to do every day, what with the pain and fatigue getting worse and worse. I do meditation every day, and try to get in cardio at least once a day, which, again, is getting harder due to the increase in pain and fatigue. My diet is whole foods plant based, and I am very careful about what I eat. No dairy, egg whites only, vegan protein powder, VERY little meat and seafood, VERY little processed food. Lots of herbal detox tea and water. Vitamin and mineral supplements, with anti-oxidants. I'm seeing a CBT/EMDR therapist to try to reorganize my sleep patterns.

 

Gave in last night and took a seroquel (12 mg) to help me sleep, as I haven't slept well (2-4 hrs a night) in 7 days. Was hoping sleep would help with the fatigue, but it didn't, so I won't be taking that again. Makes my brain feel wonky anyway. Don't like it.

 

Now that I've bored you all to death, I'm here for 1) People to talk to who are also working their way through this issue and 2) what they've used and tried to get through this issue. Please don't give me any grief about not tapering. I was only on .25mg once at night, and did half that for a week before I started on the merry-go-round. Tapering works fine for some, but I'm an all or nothing sort of woman. Didn't feel like going through the hassle of shaving pills. When I started researching, I couldn't believe the amounts that some doctors put their patients on. I'd have been asleep all day. Dreadful drug. *shrug* Then again, most are, at least in my experience. No more pharmaceuticals for this chick. These are absolutely the last two.

[[ba...]]

Welcome to Benzo Buddies

 

we will never give you medical advice, as that is not our role. Your choice on how to give up medication(s) is for you and your health care providers to decide. We respect your decision to CT, there are many who do.

 

Healing from CT/ fast tapering can take 6 months to 2 years, it is quite variable.

 

This is a time to start finding activities and experiences which help calm your nervous system down, as well as support, perhaps from a psychologist (they don't prescribe medication, so are more focused on therapies which allow you to accept and cope with your situation.)

 

You need to start gathering coping mechanisms. One very effective and easy one is simply deep breathing. And, you need to know your going to come out of this: you will. Mindfullness is good. And distraction is crucial. When you are engaged in a mental and or/physical activity, your not so focused on how you feel. Get up and leave the room your in. Go outside. Start doing something. within reason, you don't think you can. When you are in a sate of depletion, go to bed. You can't do much to help yourself when you are depleted, You have to build your strength back up. Practice self care, from allowing yourself to remove all stimulation to engaging in a sport. Find as many coping mechanisms as you can, no matter how silly. I sometimes write on my arm in sharpie, "temporary," or "healing." I have a cuff that says "Keep &%#$@ going."

 

By using copint techniques, you are not only calming down your system, but developing what can become a lifelong tool box for coping with painful and distressing situations.

 

There are some good books on the topic, as well as on line lectures and meditations. Heather Ashton has a serious of lectures. She is very effective at validating the pain, then expressing that it is normal, and not be frightened by it.

 

Here are some helpful links:

 

rapid wd/ct http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=53153.0

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?board=133.0

 

This is a list of withdraw symptoms:

https://www.benzo.org.uk/manual/bzcha03.htm#4

 

"What is happening in your brain," is a wonderful place to start your self education. It explains why we experience all the things we do, and that they are all signs of healing. I still read this at least once a week when the symptoms are overwhelming  me.

 

http://www.benzobuddies.org/forum/index.php?topic=66397.0

 

If you do choose to reinstate and taper, we will support you there as well.

 

In the forums pertinent to your circumstances, you will find other buddies going through their own cold turkey and protracted withdraw. You are not yet at the place where protracted withdraw is in play, but if it does happen, there is member support for it. This is a good place to ask questions, and receive guidance.

 

Welcome to Benzo Buddies, you have come to a safe, confidential informative support group, and we are happy to have you as a member.

 

Please take some time to Create a Signature. This will help other members understand your history so they will be better able to support you. Go to the top of the page and select Profile, then choose Forum Profile, insert drug history/timelines into the text box and click Change Profile.

 

We look forward to reading more from you over the forthcoming days and weeks.

 

Take care,

 

 

BB Team

[[Ma...]]

I do yoga, cardio, and meditation as a coping mechanism. So far, today is the worst day, which the hibiscus tea and L-theonine has helped considerably. Hibiscus tea is helping with lowering the BP, thereby getting rid of the headache, and the amino has helped calm down the shakes and the desire to crawl out of my skin. Thanks for the links. I would really like to know how this garbage has been/is affecting my brain.

[[ba...]]

I am a lifelong yogi and long distance cyclist, very athletic. I have learned that yoga has to be geared toward your physical state to have a benefit. By this, I mean a slow introspective yin yoga usually only makes you more aware of how bad you feel, and can make one feel worse. Same with meditation. Yoga and meditation teachers will tell you the same.

 

If your hyper, go for vinyasa or hatha yoga, get the energy out. If your fatigued and tight, easy hatha and stretching yoga is good.

 

I gave up on meditation months ago, it took me "in," when I needed to go "out." Another option is something creative and quiet which is engrossing: sculpting, soft dance to music you love, a gentle activity that brings down the heart rate and takes you OUT of yourself as well. Even housework can do it. I often ride my bike to the river, and sit and feel, smell, watch, listen: the animals, the rapids, all the people engaged in sport. It is very calming and takes me "out."

 

I live in a ski town in the high Colorado Rockies, so plenty of nature and quality mountain biking for me to take advantage of.

 

The absolute best remedy for me is cardio. This can be my daily mountain biking (weather permitting,) or a long cardio session at gym. It creates endorphins, gives us a "runners high., and helps off set the awful sensations. I have learned through experience that most of the time I wont fall off my bike from the visual oddness or balance issues. And, they go away after a good 45 minutes.

 

Just some suggestions, take what you can use.

 

 

[[Ma...]]

Thanks very much for the suggestions. And a huge thanks for that bit on "What is happening in your brain". Very helpful. Very informative. Sent it to my husband and my therapist. It made sense out of why the Gabapentin didn't work (it almost killed me, acted like an overdose of meth instead of being calming). It had no GABA nor GABA receptors to work with. Just a weird drug wandering around in my system with nothing to do. And now I know why I always hear voices when a fan is running. What an insidious drug group.

[[Do...]]

Baddove,  I practiced meditation before c/t and it was powerful.  During acute phase of c/t, it also helped me immensely in blocking intrusive thoughts and pain.  Please don't assume that it won't work for others or discourage it's practice because it didn't work for you.  Thank you