me the vegetable

[[cr...]]

Idk what's happening ATM. I'm so out of it. I can't think. Idk what's going on. My brain is scrambled eggs. Im barely eating. Just laying down all day cuz of strange head sensations. I was taking cbd and magnesium and b vitamins for a week late last month. And so i stopped everything b4 may 1st. And its like im restarting acute again. I keep a log of symptoms and i have more symptoms this month. I used to be able to watch tv at night after a big daily wave. But now it's constant non stop wave. All i can do is stare at sky. Is this normal? Will this end?  Seems like im only getting worse. Paranoid I'll end up in hospital if I become complete vegetable. Don't want to end up back on ativan but brain cannot function even simple task. How long should I expect to be vegetable. If its 4ever what can i do? Do I not have choice and have to take meds? Meds make sicker. Sensitized cns. Right. Can't take any. Counciler friend is trying to get me through acute this time no meds or supplements. We call everyday. Best path forward but im 18 months out and in acute vegetable state. Got a headache. Hope being a vegetable with a headache isn't my fate.

[[...]]

I'm so out of it. I can't think. Idk what's going on. My brain is scrambled eggs. Im barely eating. Just laying down all day cuz of strange head sensations.

 

I have these same sympms that at 1 year popped up. its been miserable. most bizarre stuff ever, just when I think my symptoms cant get any stranger here come different ones that are even more mind boggling.

[[...]]

can you describe your strange head symptoms

[[cr...]]

Electricity. Burning. Rushing. Moving. Dizzy. Light headed. Pain.

[[Ne...]]

How long have you truly been off benzos and all GABA drugs?

 

Is there no pattern you can recognize, that could maybe have led you to this? Maybe you did too much, or stared too much into monitors, or you ate MSG (mono sodium glutamate), or something else.

I think your best course of action for now would be to fully accept how it is and set yourself a milestone goal for now, like let's say half a year. See how you feel in half a year. It's so easy to get caught up in this, cause it takes so long. But time moves slowly during benzo withdrawal, and you can't even think in days and weeks. It's months. So see how it goes. Hang in there, crescent. All we can do is hold on and keep on fighting. I really get your frustration. I feel it too.

 

[Guest [Le...]]

You’re really overthinking this, Crescent.

 

Everything you describe is what we’ve all gone through. Trying to assign meaning to any of it seems to be driving you crazy. This is what benzo withdrawal and recovery is like, plain and simple.

 

I’m not trying to be harsh, but you’re asking the same questions repeatedly, and there are no quick fixes. Recovery can take a very long time.

[[...]]

ive been feeling all that. ITs a daily struggle, how long have you been off now. all these symptoms are truly in humane., I keep asking myself how many more bizarre symptoms can I have. Ive been absolutely non functional, dont go anywhere for a year. I have hope. thats the only thing I have left is hope.

[[de...]]

Thanks Leslie Ash. 

 

I needed to hear that, too. 

 

Dee

[[go...]]

You're obviously not a vegetable if you are typing and engaging with people on here. Plus you still are editing away at all your posts, which shows your brain is still working away.

[[Le...]]

You're obviously not a vegetable if you are typing and engaging with people on here. Plus you still are editing away at all your posts, which shows your brain is still working away.

 

[[cr...]]

How long were u guys bedridden? Did u stay in acute for a year or more after a few beers? Its not typical withdrawal. I was healing into month 5 but ive seen no improvement since. Just worse every time i have a set back. Its easy to say yeah you got this when you CT a 6 year habit and are out of acute in 2 or 3 months. Ive in bed since october of last year. My brain squeezes the hell out of me and starts electrifying me if I'm not laying down. I can walk to the bathroom and kitchen but by the end of the day im psychotic. Luckily i manage to sleep it off every night and its ground hog day all over again. At least when i was taking ativan i got 4 two to three hour breaks a day. Now it's just interdose withdrawal all day. Except its nonstop. When i tapered below a certain point these withdrawal symptoms went away. The jump was easy. I kindled and now theyre back. I feel like i have to retaper. I'm not healing in any set time frames. Maybe i should go to protracted board if im posting same question over and over. But someone told me not to go yet since its only been 20 days since my last gaba drug. 18 months off benzos though. Anyway sorry to be such a problem child. Many friends ive made on here have already healed. I saw their success stories 6 months back. I'm wondering what's wrong with me. Thats why i keep posting. My jump buddies are better but I keep getting sicker.

[[so...]]

Crescent,

 

You aren’t listening.  It’s like you never even read what LeslieAsh posted.  You are not worse off than anyone else on this forum.  You are not the exception to the rule. 

 

You are among those members who are not handling this well.  This is withdrawal and recovery.  The day you finally accept that you are not unique will be the day things start getting more bearable for you.  You can control some things; other things you cannot.  You can control your attitude and that’s 99% of the battle.

 

Sofakingdone

[[cr...]]

Well. How were u at 18 months? Thought I was gonna die yesterday. I was so exhausted I couldn't even move. 20 hour wave or some nonsense. Just stared at cieling all day breathing heavy. Its fricken terrifying.

[[so...]]

Crescent,

 

You are only 18 months off benzos and just a couple of weeks off supplements and other shit that riles your CNS.  Hopefully you’ve learned something from the mistakes you’ve made.  Hopefully you are a cautionary tale for others to learn from. 

 

Sofakingdone

[[su...]]

crescentelite I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm terrified of this going on and on too and I'm at the start if it. Thats good news some friends you had on here got better already. Maybe you should try reading more success stories. Lots of the ones I read which seemed most positive and encouraging were with people who really struggled for a long time as you are and then made it through to the other side and they were so happy.

I hope by retappering you aren't thinking of going back on benzos. That is only gonna start the process over for you and you will be in misery longer.

With this its true the only way out is thru. Just keep going.

Half the time I can only sit in bed. I keep looking for the reason this happened to me too. I think it's a normal thing to try to make sense of something horrible. I know one thing for sure when I get better and even I'm scared I won't I know I will appreciate life and the little things so much more. So there is that.

Just hang in there. You've got this.

[[ba...]]

You are not a vegetable☺ Everything will be fine! Do not be discouraged!

[Guest [NM...]]

You’re also not psychotic, man. Psychosis is a BREAK FROM REALITY. Psychotic people don’t post coherent posts on a message board and edit them. Fact check.

 

Also, vegetative state is: A chronic state of brain dysfunction in which a person shows no signs of awareness.

[[go...]]

You’re also not psychotic, man. Psychosis is a BREAK FROM REALITY. Psychotic people don’t post coherent posts on a message board and edit them. Fact check.

 

Also, vegetative state is: A chronic state of brain dysfunction in which a person shows no signs of awareness.

 

Exactly, it is clear you are not in a vegetive state, it is clear you are not in psychosis, my brother had psychotic episodes when he was manic in the past and he was not logging into forums to have a chat about it. What is it you are trying to get out of this forum? Because if you want to be told to take benzos again that is unlikely to happen, if you really want to that is your choice but the majority of people here will advise against it.

 

If someone comes out and says, yes you are the worst here will that make you feel any better? I'm just not sure what you are trying to get with any of this?

[[Th...]]

Crescent I was literally the same just a month ago from my setback. No exaggeration- I laid on the deck and stared at the sky all day long. Today, I’m playing video games and have a voracious appetite. I still have some symptoms but feel about 80% healed. Things can turn around fast and I think they will for you because you’re just having a setback and not going through benzo withdrawal starting over again.

[[So...]]

Dude come on, you aren’t psychotic at all, you are fully coherent, you aren’t being electrocuted even though it might feel that way. You are in withdrawal, I was literally in hell at 18 months off, I thought I was healed at 5 months off and then back in acute at 11 months for like 6 months and now I’m 2 years off and still suffering, it’s how withdrawal goes! You are on here all the time, you make sense you just aren’t accepting this process takes SO much time! 30-36 months is what all Benzo experts have said is the usual timeframe for total healing, you also keep messing with stuff hoping for a quick fix and that’s not possible, you’ve had all these tests done and you know you’re fine it’s just withdrawal and it will end, you are making yourself worse looking for answers that aren’t there

[[so...]]

You asked how I was at 18 months.  I started out with two symptoms the day after I jumped.  By the time I was 18 months, that number grew to over 70.  Shit just kept piling on.  I dealt with every new symptom, as it joined the others, as best I could.  Every day bled into the next.  Never knew what to expect.  I maniacally ruminated 24/7.  I didn’t sleep.  My akathesia was so bad my feet bled through my shoes from pacing in my backyard.  I laid in bed 16 hours each day in the fetal position, panting and gasping for air.  I had electricity coursing through my body like Frankenstein hooked up to a generator powered by lightning.  I woke up every morning at 3am with a huge jolt like I had defibrillator paddles attached to my chest on full blast.  My heart rate was 160.  The tachycardia was so bad I could watch my chest jump up and down under my shirt.  I had painful geographic tongue.  I had blood blisters under my skin that covered every inch of my body.  The veins in my arms and hands stuck out of me like snakes.  I was constipated, and when I wasn’t, I had explosive diarrhea.  I had violent nightmares every night where I dreamt I was being stabbed or shot a hundred times.  Blood everywhere.  I had DP/DR so bad it was like a bad acid trip.  Invisible plexiglass separated me from my loved ones.  The 24/7 head whooshing I got day one was like a washing machine with tennis shoes in the drum.  I had RLS.  Worms crawling through my legs.  My body temperature constantly fluctuated from feverish chills to full on bouts of dripping sweat.  I had vertigo that bumped me into walls and bruised me, even collapsing several times a day with the room spinning.  I had bandaids on all my fingers because I couldn’t see clearly enough to use a knife properly to cut my food.  I had gout.  I had pain that felt like a red hot poker had stabbed me in the thigh.  Some days I couldn’t move one millimeter without screaming out in agony.  I had weeks where I didn’t make it to the bathroom in time and had to wear Depends.  I had looping photographs of every past moment and every person I’d ever met in my 60 year old life.  I hallucinated daily.  I begged God to take me home a million times.  I was so dizzy I had to hold onto the kitchen counter and furniture to keep from falling.  I had acid burning under my chest skin.  I had bugs crawling on my arms.  My ears were always plugged like I had water in them.  My head felt like I was swimming to the bottom of a pool to touch the drain.  Headaches and nausea so bad I lost 45 pounds the first 6 months.  Constant canker sores and gum infections.  Internal vibrations so bad I thought I was on a coin-operated bed.  I was poisoned by toxic naps.  Agoraphobia.

 

....and that’s not even 70, Crescentlite.  I just listed these off the top of my head.

 

And how is your day going?

 

Sofakingdone

[[cr...]]

Just tryna get support like everyone else. Guess ppl think I'm being repetitive though. I'd really love to take a break from BB but I'm not getting any windows. Scared to be alone so im on the forum alot.

 

Vegetable? Welllllll close enough. I'm in bed 99.5 percent of day. Parents got vids of me absolutely losing it but id rather they just delete them.

 

I want to spring back to normal but no matter how much time I spend not taking stuff it just won't let up much. Guess I gotta put in morr time sober.

 

Yep. Have most of the stuff you list. Mainly dealing with a 10/10 painful headache and electricity ATM though.

[[Sa...]]

Sofa, I’m so sorry!  You just described part of my life (at 60).

 

Better days are coming.

 

SaraSue 

[Guest [Le...]]

. . .  Luckily i manage to sleep it off every night and its ground hog day all over again.

. . .

 

Wow, that’s great news, Crescent!

 

I wasn’t able to sleep more than 0-2 hours a night for two solid years, so I could never sleep anything off. You’re way ahead of me!

  :thumbsup:

[[go...]]

If you want support plenty of people here will give it. But if you just ask/tell people repeatedly if you have it the worst then the likelihood is that the support might not be as forthcoming. Everyone on here is fighting their own battles and it's not a competition. I've seen all sorts of messed up symptoms in my time here many of which happened to me, nothing you described shocks me unfortunately, but for me at least it faded. Once I was off Benzos i decided I would stop putting faith in supplements, and after around 4 months off it got a hell of a lot worse, I knew that supplements which are basically pointless at the best of times weren't gonna heal something so severe and as all my tests came back fine I knew I had to endure it and stop putting faith in miracle cures that don't exist.