moral support for Bereaved Mothers today in WD

[[no...]]

https://www.checkiday.com/d636fd535322245c76bc62ecd9e2cc3b/international-bereaved-mothers-day

 

i am in tears as i sit here typing this..

 

remembering the babies i conceived but miscarried, and especially the last one Veronica Li, i lost her at 4 months while painting little red ladybugs on her soon to be new baby crib.

 

today my Hubbs is off with our 3 dogs celebrating Mother's Day with his own mom, and i sit here by myself. i know that i'm not the only one feeling left out.

 

every year, there's so many of us who suffer silently while all the fanfare and gifts and time is dedicated to celebrating mothers whose kids are still alive. but we bereaved moms get no acknowledgement. in fact, the thought of what we suffered and continue to suffer everytime this holiday comes around, or anytime we have to sit in a waiting room with pregnat women and children running around, everytime we are reminded of our barren wombs or our lost children, other people shirk at the thought of even mentioning they feel for us. most people don't dare broach the topic.

 

so we are isolated even more, and as i am, today, forced to take the more "peaceful" or less troublemaking path of staying home, instead of going along to the big mother's day celebration in the park and then at her house, where my Hubbs makes her a very expensive steak dinner for her, her hubby and himself. i was not included in the dinner plans until last night when i asked if maybe Hubbs would cook a piece of salmon and thaw out some frozen squash we already had in the freezer. his indifference when i asked the question about being included as a mother, and then this morning his annoyance at having to cook something "special" for me to be included was all it took for me to say "ok i'm gona stay home and keep the peace so yall can enjoy the day. i bit back the tears until he was out the door, taking our 3 dogs with him. oh but then he had to come back in to grab  "Mom's gift" a fancy photo stick thing that cost about 70 bucks. yes i'm jealous. i wish he would have showed the same appreciation for me as his own mother. it's this way every year. i've even told her and him years before this one, that this day is very hard for me and why. they don't seem to care.

 

i actually felt so bad that i thought of suicidal things once he drove out of the garage and left me here. i know i'm suposed to be the bigger woman and swallow my grief but i can't and this is where i'm at. if anyone out there is relating to what i'm writing, please speak up. maybe it will help to know we're not alone today, even if we are literally alone today.

 

being in WD from meds is just the cherry on the top, as previously the meds helped to "numb" or dull the pain somewhat. this is the first year i've dealt with mothers day alone, without anything to mask my feelings. it really sucks balls.

 

 

[[...]]

Sorry you are feeling so sad, and for the loss of your babies. Sending you a hug of comfort and peace! 

[Guest [so...]]

NM your post really touched my heart, 40 years ago I had a miscarriage at 3 months, in those days it was hardly recognized as an event to cause grief. I was very fortunate to go on and have 2 more children who now live far far away from me. For years I tried to push the pain of it away but now I use MD as a day to allow myself to grieve for that lost 1st child and every year I write a letter to her (I believe it was a girl) and put it in a special box. I really can feel your pain and you are so very  brave to be dealing with this day by yourself. It is my belief that wd amplifies our  more vulnerable parts of ourselves so it must feel acutely painful. Sending you a very big hug.

SS x

[[de...]]

🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹

🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹

  🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹

 

A dozen red roses, just for you nomoredrugsforme..

 

Happy Mother's Day.  💕

 

i made the mistake of taking myself to a fancy coffee shop yesterday, not thinking that kids would be treating their their mothers to Eggs Benedict, everyone embracing. 

 

I just sat and looked at them, then left, hurriedly. 

 

A steak sounds good. 

 

I lost my kids in a different way to you, but the grief is still there, and the benzo's aren't.  Can't make it go away anymore nomore, and in the scheme of things this is the course of action I want to take, even if incredibly painful. 

 

I need to process this stuff, and emerge whole and strong.  And want the same for you. 

 

Dee

[[Sa...]]

NM,

 

I too lost (late term) babies to miscarriage.  They are always in my heart.  I’m blessed as my husband always includes me in MD celebrations with his mom. 

 

I’m always glad when this day is over. 

 

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

 

SaraSue

[[no...]]

Sorry you are feeling so sad, and for the loss of your babies. Sending you a hug of comfort and peace! 

 

thank you for the hug!

[[no...]]

NM your post really touched my heart, 40 years ago I had a miscarriage at 3 months, in those days it was hardly recognized as an event to cause grief. I was very fortunate to go on and have 2 more children who now live far far away from me. For years I tried to push the pain of it away but now I use MD as a day to allow myself to grieve for that lost 1st child and every year I write a letter to her (I believe it was a girl) and put it in a special box. I really can feel your pain and you are so very  brave to be dealing with this day by yourself. It is my belief that wd amplifies our  more vulnerable parts of ourselves so it must feel acutely painful. Sending you a very big hug.

SS x

your post touched my heart too. thank you for calling me brave, i needed that! looks like you are too by you signature...wow. yes to the part about WD making our touchy parts almost unbearable

 

[[no...]]

NM,

 

I too lost (late term) babies to miscarriage.  They are always in my heart.  I’m blessed as my husband always includes me in MD celebrations with his mom. 

 

I’m always glad when this day is over. 

 

💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

 

SaraSue

 

yes i'll be relieved when tomorrow comes...and Hubbs owes me a nice present bigtime!  sounds like your Hubby totally gets your pain the way he makes sure to include you. the miscarriages are hard to explain to those who haven't endured them...the repeated trauma of the hormones is bad enough, but the emotional trauma of excitement, dedicating yourelf for the long haul, preparations, then crushing disappointment and grief, but nobody wants to let you grieve or they think there's an expiration date on the grieving. you never stop loving the child so why ever stop grieving the child? anyways... i agree they are always in my heart. i hope one day to meet them again in another world perhaps

[[no...]]

🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹

🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹

  🌹 🌹 🌹 🌹

 

A dozen red roses, just for you nomoredrugsforme..

 

Happy Mother's Day.  💕

 

i made the mistake of taking myself to a fancy coffee shop yesterday, not thinking that kids would be treating their their mothers to Eggs Benedict, everyone embracing. 

 

I just sat and looked at them, then left, hurriedly. 

 

A steak sounds good. 

 

I lost my kids in a different way to you, but the grief is still there, and the benzo's aren't.  Can't make it go away anymore nomore, and in the scheme of things this is the course of action I want to take, even if incredibly painful. 

 

I need to process this stuff, and emerge whole and strong.  And want the same for you. 

 

Dee

Dee i've seen several of your posts and wanted to say something in agreement many times but now i have an excuse to speak up, lol

i tend to recognize folks from their avatar thumbnail instead of screennames and yours stuck in my head. what is that saying on the pink part?

i sent you a PM earlier.

[[de...]]

Your posts had me crying nomore.  "Never judge the grieving mother". 

 

It says:  "Ministry of Silly Walks". 

 

John Cleese (in pic), very funny British comedian used it in inventing, "The Ministry of Silly Walks", as a regular sketch on his tv show. 

 

Heaps of British ministers (parliament), prancing around with different "walks".  It was their entire portfolio.    It looked very funny. 

 

I used it because I thought it looked funny, and also because I was walking that way during one part of my withdrawal. 

 

Dee

 

Edit:  The sculpture is beautiful NM.  All the little babies, now elevated to the rank of angel. 

 

[[no...]]

Your posts had me crying nomore.  "Never judge the grieving mother". 

 

It says:  "Ministry of Silly Walks". 

 

John Cleese (in pic), very funny British comedian used it in inventing, "The Ministry of Silly Walks", as a regular sketch on his tv show. 

 

Heaps of British ministers (parliament), prancing around with different "walks".  It was their entire portfolio.    It looked very funny. 

 

I used it because I thought it looked funny, and also because I was walking that way during one part of my withdrawal. 

 

Dee

 

Edit:  The sculpture is beautiful NM.  All the little babies, now elevated to the rank of angel.

 

ah yes! John Cleese wasnt he with Monty Python and those guys? i'm remembering british tv comedy...soo much better than american comedy ha!

 

yeah...all the lil angels. you're so right 

[[de...]]

Yes, nomore, Monty Python.  So very funny.  Good we can still have a laugh, hey?

 

I've always found the lil' angels to be a very comforting thought, and glad you did too. 

 

I'm not much of a believer, see myself more as a humanist.  I try. 

 

The poetry of it has always soothed my soul.  Maybe I'm an idealist, but that's ok.  Gotta have a dream. 

 

Dee

[[no...]]

Yes, nomore, Monty Python.  So very funny.  Good we can still have a laugh, hey?

 

I've always found the lil' angels to be a very comforting thought, and glad you did too. 

 

I'm not much of a believer, see myself more as a humanist.  I try. 

 

The poetry of it has always soothed my soul.  Maybe I'm an idealist, but that's ok.  Gotta have a dream. 

 

Dee

 

well, i am not an Idealist anymore...though i admire those who still are!

 

now i supose i would be considered a realist, or an atheist.

Ever since the voices stopped, once i got my dose of the antipsychotic under about 85mg....

 

it happened after i'd finished reading the entire bible from front to back and back over and again, the one i was using i had all marked up highlighted and notes written in...it was basically a study or workbook, and i really learned a lot about what the collection of writings actually means. most people have no clue, they only know the approved popular verses and what they heard their preacher say...

 

one day i was on my face! praying to what i thought was God, and i prayed "God i want to know the real you, not just what this book tells me , not just what i've been taught all my life, i want to know who you realy truly are...even if (the truth) breaks me".

 

call it a self fulfilling prophecy, or perhaps "God" actually showed me the truth of what it truly is, or perhaps my antipsychotic medication dose was finally low enough that i quit hearing voices that i thought were God.  maybe all of the above.

 

the truth was indeed revealed to me because the very next day i was on my face praying again, only this time...there was absolute silence. nothing there and no one there but me and my dogs. i thought i had been abandoned! i cried for a week and was utterly devastated.

 

then another week went by and i realized the voice i heard before that i attributed to "God" was actually my own voice. i never heard voices until they put me on seroquel. suddenly the voices began and i was labelled bipolar and lots of other crap. even misdiagnosed years later with MS when the seroquel dose was so high and for so long that it crippled me, produced the same brain tissue death and scarring/lesions easily seen on 4 sets of mri's...everything disappeared like magic when i tapered my dose down low enough.

 

frikkin dr's made my life hell. anyways there are some good doctors i suppose...i had one once, in 1995. a naturopath DO. he and his wife owned an herb shop. he dx'd my then hypoglycemia and taught me how to eat to correct it. all the others just messed me up. par for the course i guess

 

anyways that's how i became an atheist.

 

i try not to judge others who are in various stages of belief, but it's hard sometimes, because i have been in their shoes and came to the other side of belief. which is just to observe reality and sometimes observe unreality as they pass by. i feel as an observer in this world, that i am not really a part of it, but apart from it. even the famous Jesus said in that book to be in the world but not of it. lotsa gems in that book. lotsa crap too. i am amazed at how much is in there that people don't read or choose to ignore. makes game of thrones look like a nurseery rhyme.

 

anyways been a big fan of pink floyd lately, and others who see the game and acknowledge this simulation is just that, a game. i'm very curious to meet the others outside of this chessboard reality once this life is done here...what a great adventure awaits!

 

this song is really how i feel when i think of the other unawakened players in this...

 

https://youtu.be/jZWHlNco3jE i like this rare version best but

 

there's also this one with a profound quote by him at the end: https://youtu.be/5RUJEFmDJ4I the part about getting out of one car and getting into another...gets me everytime!

God is a concept

By which we measure

Our pain

I'll say it again

God is a concept

By which we measure

Our pain

I don't believe in magic

I don't believe in I-Ching

I don't believe in Bible

I don't believe in tarot

I don't believe in Hitler

I don't believe in Jesus

I don't believe in Kennedy

I don't believe in Buddha

I don't believe in mantra

I don't believe in Gita

I don't believe in yoga

I don't believe in kings

I don't believe in Elvis

I don't believe in Zimmerman

I don't believe in Beatles

I just believe in me

Yoko and me

And that's reality

The dream is over

What can I say?

The dream is over

Yesterday

I was the dream weaver

But now I'm reborn

I was the Walrus

But now I'm John

And so dear friends

You just have to carry on

The dream is over