Wishing I had never filled the first prescription...

[[NH...]]

I have been on Xanax, 0.5 mg dose 5 times a day for over 20 years.

For the last year and a half I have been tapering myself off of this medication.

I am currently at 0.125 mg roughly 6 times a day.

My doctor is of little assistance in this process. He doesn't understand it and so his advice is typical of what you read about when doing the research. The internet has been the most valuable resource, but namely other people who are further along in this process.

My anxiety seems to always manifest in the same way, a fear of heart attack. I am consciously aware that I should not be afraid of this, but if I feel my heart beating, I start to freak out. I honestly wish I didn't even know heart attacks were a thing.

Right now the worst part other than the HA fear is the rage. I can go from 0-100 in the blink of an eye. Strategies to deal with anger can't work when I can get so angry so quickly.

My family are mostly supportive. My father tries very hard to be there for me, but none of them are interested in doing any research about what I am going through. When I don't understand something a family member is going through I research it until I do understand it so that I can actually know what I am talking about and have advice that is useful. I know it isn't fair to hold others to your own standards, however it does sometimes feel like they don't care when they can't be bothered to spend some time learning about it. If I asked my father to read material about it, he would, but he would never take the initiative to do so, and has often said he doesn't understand. My brother is not a smart man, and he would find any material on this subject too technical for him to understand. He loves to give terrible advice and he himself has a severe drinking problem, so I have found it best to  just stay away from him. My mother is going through her own medical issues after a severe heart attack, (her heart attack has nothing to do with my irrational fear of heart attacks, it happened long after I started on Xanax and her lifestyle has been extremely sedentary for half of a century.)

 

So far distraction is the only thing I have found to consistently help with my situation. What I am looking for on this site is more information from others, namely what to expect when I finally stop taking any dose of Xanax at all and don't have that scheduled relief any longer.

I also hope my experience can be helpful to someone else one day.

[[pi...]]

Hello NHF1976,

 

Welcome to Benzo Buddies! Count yourself among the many of us who wish we had never taken the first dose of a benzodiazepine.  It sounds like you are following a nice slow taper plan, good for you!

 

The things you discuss are very common benzo withdrawal issues, especially health anxiety.  I had it to an extreme myself.  The symptoms of tolerance and withdrawal were so strong that I had several (many) trips to the ER.  Testing showed no reason for them and as you mentioned, the typical response from some medical providers is that it could not be due to the drug. But, we know different. I'm glad you've joined the forum. We understand the withdrawal process and will support you through your taper and recovery.

 

Most people who have not gone through withdrawal truly don't understand the process. While my husband was my rock, he still didn't really 'get' the total ramifications of withdrawal.

 

I don't know what your taper plan is but generally it is suggested to taper slowly, 5-10% every 10-14 days.  This can help to minimize withdrawal symptoms. I'll give you a link to the General Taper Plans for additional information.

 

I'll also give you a link to the Ashton Manual. It is an excellent resource about these types of drugs and how to withdraw. The manual was written by Dr. Heather Ashton, an expert in the field.

 

Distraction was also key for my during the withdrawal process. I had my 'bag of tricks', different things I would rotate throughout the day to help distract me from the symptoms. Additionally, to help relieve the health anxiety I quit using Dr. Google as well stopping the constant checking of my temperature, heart rate etc during the day. This was really helpful.

 

This process can be challenging but in my opinion, worth the effort. Being benzo free and healed is wonderful.  Please do ask questions, we're here to help.

 

 

General Taper Plans 

 

The Ashton Manual

 

pianogirl

[[NH...]]

Thank you pianogirl.

 

I checked out both the links you provided. The Ashton Manual had some great information on helping me to understand exactly what is going on inside my body.

 

Quitting Dr. Google is a great idea and I have been doing so of late. it seems every symptom I experience is linked to every single disease, cancer or health problem that exists. The symptoms of a Heart Attack for example are so vague that they are useless. I experience the symptoms of a Heart Attack after every meal I eat now, which has caused me a great deal of panic and conditioned me to fear the simple act of having a meal.

 

My taper plan was loosely based on the 5-10% rule, but it's hard to do the math on that in some cases. For the most part I make a reduction in dose, stay at that dose until I feel comfortable, then start to add time between doses. I recently went from 0.25 mg of Xanax every 8 hours to 0.125 mg of Xanax every 4 hours, which is basically the same dose, but the new change gives me small moments of productive movement towards quitting when I sleep longer than 4 hours.

I tried to make the jump to 0.125 mg every 5 hours but after severe anxiety I took a step back to the 4 hours.

Rather than using my doctor for my tapering I am just going by feel. In most of my research I have not come across anyone who has been on this poison for the length of time I have, so I felt I should do this myself, at my pace. My doctor's original plan was to come off it over the course of 1 year. I am very very glad I ignored that advice and went at my own pace. 1 year would not have been enough. It has been 1 year, 5 months and 2 weeks to get to where I am now. I am currently at 1/3 of the amount I took for 20 years.

 

Originally I was dealing only with the irrational fear of heart attacks, it was the reason this was prescribed to me in the first place. At my current dose I have a plethora of symptoms coming at me. Twitching muscles, feelings of panic when I hear the doorbell or other common sounds neighbors make, auditory hallucinations when close to sleep, terrible and constant Tinnitus at all waking hours, pounding heart rate after any physical activity, and then the rage...

Some of the most basic things send me straight to a place of rage that is way beyond my control. I have found that the only time I don't feel anxiety is when i'm angry. The only time I don't care about things such as my heart rate is when i'm in a rage. I have to wonder if it's the bodies way of coping with this nightmare.

 

This forum is huge and I will need time to check it all out, but in the meantime, I guess my main question for now would be coping strategies for things like the Tinnitus or rage. I learned from another person quitting Benzo's who was kind enough to share the experience on Youtube that something as simple as constantly tapping my head can distract me from the sensation of my beating heart when I lay down and try to sleep.

It's little tricks like that that I think would be very useful in this horrible experience, and those tips don't seem to come from doctors, they have to come from someone who has actually been through this experience and knows they worked for them.

I look forward to meeting others on this site, it was the mention of live chats that got me interested in checking benzobuddies out in the first place.

I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. My family don't want to discuss it as it is too negative for them and they tend to solve their problems by ignoring them. My "friends" all abandoned me early in this process as the anger was something they didn't want to deal with and I guess it was just easier for them to ditch me than to subject themselves to the negative environment that seems to follow me everywhere.

 

Thank you for your very fast response to my original post.

 

NHF1976

[[Sa...]]

NHF,

 

Welcome!  Quitting google ... excellent idea.  There is no end to symptoms, fear takes over and we can imagine anything is a medical emergency.  Occasionally, there are real emergencies and we hope we know the difference.  The real emergencies are why a doctor during withdrawal is recommended. 

 

Unfortunately, family and friends cannot understand BWD, unless they have been through it.

 

SaraSue