Fear of Going Home

[[bo...]]

I'm having a really hard time wanting to go home after work. I feel anger toward my family and have intrusive thoughts. I've had these things for so long that I've formed an aversion to my home. Don't know what to do at this point. Never thought this would happen at nearly 14 months off. Does anybody have this? Does this sound like benzo withdrawal at all? I may have to quit my job and move at this point.

[[re...]]

Yeah, I think you begin to associate all this horror with your home, and family, and job, and everything around you, and you feel like getting away from it all. I used to hate being at home. I'd just get in the car and drive around the mountains for the whole day. Anything to get away. Of course, if you have a lot of anger, you might not want to go driving around. Might turn into road rage. But maybe some long walks might help.

[[ke...]]

You might have some other psychological issues. This is not a criticism but your posts suggest it and your benzo doses were never very high. Maybe some cognitive behavioral therapy to help you deal with these negative thought patterns. Quitting your job and moving wont change a thing in my opinion. Best of luck.

[[bo...]]

Been seeing a therapist since July. I started seeing a second therapist in April too. Nothing has helped.

 

All I know is that when I quit benzos the second time I didn't sleep for a full month and it felt like I was going into states of psychosis. I had suicidal ideation up to about a year off. That has eased off and it's morphed into this fear of going home and fear and anger around other people, particularly my family.

[[kl...]]

This message is directed at the BoomBoxBoy prefrontal cortex (pfc), which seems to be working pretty well.  Look, pfc, your latest post contains significant positive information.  You indicated that you had a period of post-withdrawal suicidal ideation which, as you know, is the result of benzo-related neurochemical imbalances in your amygdala (Amy).  You also indicated that this ideation was no longer dominant and had been superseded by irrational anger.  So what does that tell you, pfc?  It tells you that Amy is undergoing changes as the gaba sites on its neurons are remodeling at varying rates; but changes are definitely occurring.  Recovery is happening, but the complexity of the system virtually guarantees that the process will be rough until homeostasis is restored.  Moreover, pfc, the fact that you have not acceded to Amy's irrationality, with respect to harming yourself or others plus your efforts to find help through therapy and on BenzoBuddies means that, on balance, the BoomBoxBoy brain is in relatively good shape as benzo-fried brains go.  Be of good cheer; you're on the road to recovery even though it's full of potholes. 

[[bo...]]

Thank you, Klonopinaddict. Yes, I think there have been changes, but everything still feels very hard at this point. The changes are still very uncomfortable. I've been noticing today that it almost feels like my brain is swollen and I have tons of confusion and anger. I need to get back to feeling good around my family.

[[kl...]]

Yeah, it's not easy.  We all have the "waiting" problem.  But there's no quick fix.  As I said in my own complaint thread a year ago, we just have to implement the last line in the book, "The Unnamable" by Samuel Beckett - "I can't go on.  I'll go on."

[[bo...]]

How long have you been off, Klonopinaddict? What changes have you noticed?

[[st...]]

I was on Klonopin for 5.5 years.  Some on here said my dose was low but what I've read it really wasn't.  I just turned six months off Klonopin and I can definitely feel an improvement over say months 3 and 4.  At first I was worried that I will never recover.  But after spending some time here I know that recovery is non-linear and slow.  You just have to accept that and keep moving on.  I joined a gym at the beginning of month 4 and I thought I could never do the exercise.  It was the best decision I ever made.  I go 4-5 times a week and it's therapeutic.  Keep positive thoughts and things will get better BBB.

[[bo...]]

After reading your signature, we have one thing in common. I started getting withdrawals over the weekends when I wouldn't take doses. It was the first time I ever felt suicidal ideation. Then I would often end up crying. That had never happened to me prior to taking the .25 mgs for 2 1/2 months. It seems I was on a very low dose too, but it hasn't seemed to matter at all.

 

Now that I'm not having as much SI, I still have a low-grade level of depression where I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything except what I have to in order to get by. The anger is a very odd symptom. I hope it fades and I can start being at home comfortably.

[[st...]]

After reading your signature, we have one thing in common. I started getting withdrawals over the weekends when I wouldn't take doses. It was the first time I ever felt suicidal ideation. Then I would often end up crying. That had never happened to me prior to taking the .25 mgs for 2 1/2 months. It seems I was on a very low dose too, but it hasn't seemed to matter at all.

 

Now that I'm not having as much SI, I still have a low-grade level of depression where I don't have the energy or motivation to do anything except what I have to in order to get by. The anger is a very odd symptom. I hope it fades and I can start being at home comfortably.

 

You know...there were times I had anger and just wanted to get mad at someone or something.  I was able to control those thoughts and I really do think the gym has helped me focus more and also take my anger out on the cardio and weight machines...  I'm 59 years old and I really do think dealing with these symptoms are so much more difficult (at least for me).  Stay focused and try to channel your energies on something positive.  We'll all get through this...

[[kl...]]

If you can find my thread from a year ago entitled "Coping - I feel like calling the ambulance so I think I'll go for a walk" you'll get an idea of what I've been through.  Briefly, I'm an 84 year old geezer who was on 2.5 mg of Klonopin/day for 25 years, as prescribed by clueless doctors, and have been off for 3 years after a one year taper.  Many withdrawal symptoms, including constant agitation and anxiety, dizziness, insomnia, head pressure, burning skin, etc. ad nauseam.  Walking every day (pushing a walker) for a couple of miles as fast as I can has been a life-saver for me.  The overwhelming agitation has calmed down but other symptoms persist to varying degrees.  But I'm still trundling around the neighborhood every day and getting the blood flowing to those benzo-damaged neurons.  I think I'm doing reasonably well considering my benzo exposure.  If I can survive that at my age you will definitely win the day.  You just have to be patient.  I know that's easier said than done but, as I indicated earlier, you are actually implementing your own coping strategy just fine.  Posting on BBs is part of it.  Keep it up.

[[Th...]]

You might have some other psychological issues. This is not a criticism but your posts suggest it and your benzo doses were never very high. Maybe some cognitive behavioral therapy to help you deal with these negative thought patterns. Quitting your job and moving wont change a thing in my opinion. Best of luck.

 

Stop telling him it’s not withdrawal. People have withdrawal from as little as 5mg Valium over 10 days. Genetics is a huge component. It doesn’t help someone with high anxiety to tell them that they’re the problem, not the withdrawal.

 

I agree with redevan.

[[bo...]]

Thanks for the support, guys. I just know none of this was going before quitting the meds, and if it was, it was not noticeable and therefore not effecting my life negatively to the point where I didn't want to be at home with my family or be at home alone (monophobia). I just read about postpartum OCD in men and I didn't have symptoms like that in the entire first year of my daughter's life. I only remember being a little scared to hold her early on because I had never held a child before that. I occasionally worried about SIDS. The problem is I had some intrusive thoughts about other stuff before all this and some general fear and worry.

 

I tried messaging you, TheAtivanExperience, about diet, but you can't receive messages.

[Guest [so...]]

Totally agree, this is absolutely wd. I have similar issues and I wasn't prescribed a benzo for anxiety, never had anxiety or any other mental health issue until this nightmare, I was prescribed 2.5 of Valium for 6 weeks for muscle spasm prior to surgery, I'm 16 months off and still suffering. BBB I believe this will eventually go away for you as I hope it will for me.

[[Bl...]]

Most all of my symptoms have been physical but I am absolutely terrified of my apartment . I am so glad we are moving back to SoCal next month , literally it can not come soon enough , I had a really tough time in this town , but I will do anything to avoid going home after we feed the horses at night . like nearly tears . I did fight my husband on trying to take me back to Oregon from Bakersfield , in the parking lot of the hotel I put my hands and feet on the door frame so I could avoid coming back here . I was very upset .

I was rxed this years ago for a physical reason , now I have mental health issues also with this W/D .

 

[[Th...]]

Thanks for the support, guys. I just know none of this was going before quitting the meds, and if it was, it was not noticeable and therefore not effecting my life negatively to the point where I didn't want to be at home with my family or be at home alone (monophobia). I just read about postpartum OCD in men and I didn't have symptoms like that in the entire first year of my daughter's life. I only remember being a little scared to hold her early on because I had never held a child before that. I occasionally worried about SIDS. The problem is I had some intrusive thoughts about other stuff before all this and some general fear and worry.

 

I tried messaging you, TheAtivanExperience, about diet, but you can't receive messages.

 

Sorry buddy, I put my settings to only receive PMs from people on my buddy list. I added you so you should be able to message me now 

[[Gr...]]

This message is directed at the BoomBoxBoy prefrontal cortex (pfc), which seems to be working pretty well.  Look, pfc, your latest post contains significant positive information.  You indicated that you had a period of post-withdrawal suicidal ideation which, as you know, is the result of benzo-related neurochemical imbalances in your amygdala (Amy).  You also indicated that this ideation was no longer dominant and had been superseded by irrational anger.  So what does that tell you, pfc?  It tells you that Amy is undergoing changes as the gaba sites on its neurons are remodeling at varying rates; but changes are definitely occurring.  Recovery is happening, but the complexity of the system virtually guarantees that the process will be rough until homeostasis is restored.  Moreover, pfc, the fact that you have not acceded to Amy's irrationality, with respect to harming yourself or others plus your efforts to find help through therapy and on BenzoBuddies means that, on balance, the BoomBoxBoy brain is in relatively good shape as benzo-fried brains go.  Be of good cheer; you're on the road to recovery even though it's full of potholes.

 

Agree with this post so much.  Anger can often switch who it is being directed at, like at your self to at others, and it still has the same cause. This happens to me also. 

[[bo...]]

Not sure what I can do about the anger at this point. Literally, everything sets me off. My wife. My daughter. My dogs. I don't know what to do or if I should be attributing everything to benzo withdrawal. I'm so uncomfortable at my house. Last night, my parents stayed at my house. My daughter asked me to sit in a tent with her and I started retching and crying because of how uncomfortable I was with her. It's been 14 months. Should I consider trying some medications?

[[Th...]]

Not sure what I can do about the anger at this point. Literally, everything sets me off. My wife. My daughter. My dogs. I don't know what to do or if I should be attributing everything to benzo withdrawal. I'm so uncomfortable at my house. Last night, my parents stayed at my house. My daughter asked me to sit in a tent with her and I started retching and crying because of how uncomfortable I was with her. It's been 14 months. Should I consider trying some medications?

 

No. What you’re experiencing is normal. Your brain is healing, it’s trying to get back to homeostasis.  You’ll have a big turn around near month 18.

[[za...]]

Not sure what I can do about the anger at this point. Literally, everything sets me off. My wife. My daughter. My dogs. I don't know what to do or if I should be attributing everything to benzo withdrawal. I'm so uncomfortable at my house. Last night, my parents stayed at my house. My daughter asked me to sit in a tent with her and I started retching and crying because of how uncomfortable I was with her. It's been 14 months. Should I consider trying some medications?

 

At this point you might be better off if you start helping your family, cooking, washing, playing with your child and many more. I bet you won't have time to pay attention to all kind of symptoms. If you cannot do anything at home, just go out and take a walk, spend time with your friends so you don't have to deal with your family. Poor them.

[[bo...]]

I know. I've ruined my life and also ruined my wife's life. It's the worst thing that could have possibly happened to our family with a young daughter. I did not envision this happening to my family at all. Not sure what I can do going forward.

[[Gr...]]

I have been having anger now for over a year...it started the Fall of 2017.  My anger is mostly directed at my husband and I usually go to this place where everything seems like it is his fault.  Here's what I have been doing that has helped.  I have a plan now for when I get angry.  First step is recognizing it, and knowing that I have a choice whether or not I react to these thoughts and feelings.  This morning for example, I was really angry about something, and I could feel it in my stomach and in my body.  I actively tried breathing exercises and they only worked so well.  I tried a few different things and just kept distracting myself with other things and trying to fill my mind with other thoughts, and eventually that did work.  Revisiting that thing from this morning, well, I am pissed off about it, but maybe it is myself I am angry about and not so much someone else.  I'm not ready to delve into that now.

 

Learning how to calm myself, and just allowing these angry thoughts to happen has been pretty much a game changer for me.  It's really really hard and seems to be getting easier with time, with practice and I think because I am further out now too.