Day 6 post Jump off Kpins.

[[Ri...]]

Thought I'd start a new thread separate from my day 2 post. I'm not sure what I have or haven't said yet lol but bare with me. (also sorry for the lengthy posts but I think it'd be helpful to someone to get the play by play on tradition periods..as I always wanted to find similar posts while I was tapering) Friday I was feeling a bit down and sick...really sort of depressed because I felt more dizzy throughout the day..but excited because it was Friday and my boyfriend was finally free for the weekend. I always look forward to that, having him around always makes me feel more secure and its nice to not have him have to go for 8 hours a day. So when he got to me, he offered an option to go upstate to a place I love for the weekend. At first, I was really nervous as the drive is a few hours long. I immediately started to think of all the things that could go wrong. (something we have all gotten accustomed to) I got all nervous, and I felt torn. I finally said to myself...what in the world am I worried about? Something bad happening? Like what? Seizures? Well thats not going to happen. Only going to a billion and one doctors and micro tapering for 8 months has ensured my risk is insanely low. The drive? Well after the drive there is a beautiful secluded house waiting for you..different from the same four walls you have gotten all too used to during this process. Anyway, I decided that my fear was not going to dictate my life anymore. I had benadryl and mecklazine. (I am now not taking either anymore as I have heard they only hurt healing. But for the time being they were my emergency life lines)

On the way up I was alright. I was enjoying a nice wave 3/4 of the way. I suddenly however got hit with lots of fear..mainly drummed up by thoughts that triggered waves. We had to pullover until I relaxed which only took about 10 minutes. This is important to shine a light on...I had to talk to myself the rest of the way. We put meditation music on and unknowingly found my newest primary method of coping. I leaned into affirmations. I am more aware now than ever that I have a habit of looking outward for help. Whether it's a phone call to my mom, sister, boyfriend or friend..reaching for a pill bottle of klonipin or more recently Benadryl or mecklizine..I have never considered why. Why am I so unimpressed with myself? Why don't I ever turn to myself to calm my fears? In short, I stopped trusting myself long ago(on a subconscious level) My belief in me has been dwindling for a long time. So in my affirmations I am aiming to re-teach myself. My natural mental homeostasis is and has been unproductive. It served its purpose, but it's outdated. So I told myself that I love myself, that I respect myself and I am who I turn to when the going gets tough. I am strong and I am brave. I highlight to myself how I didn't believe I was strong enough to taper, yet I did. I didn't think I was strong enough to jump off of klonipin, yet I did. I didn't think I could save face, or attend certain obligatory family gatherings, yet I did. I didn't think I'd start healing, yet I am. and so on and so forth. Anyway, I got up there and slept like a baby, as I oddly yet happily can am able to report has been occurring every night since I stopped my doses. My dreams are very strange, almost hallucinations of my past. A trippy unwinding of difficult times debunked symbolically for my waking mind to ponder. It's beautifully uncomfortable. Everything I've held in, all the bad decisions I made, all unfurled for my adult mind to process correctly, finally. I find my mornings are always the most challenging. It feels like my brain is just powering on slowly, like an old dial up computer modem. It starts up, but there are lots of blinking lights and annoying powering up sounds. It usually comes in the form of disorientation, slight anxiety, and dizziness. Every night's sleep makes this time period shorter, and less intense. Saturday morning started slow, but ended up being the most amazing day. I felt I had almost reached my baseline.(don't know if Benadryl helped or hurt this but I still felt great and I'll take it.) I had a solid full afternoon of feeling absolutely alive. I helped a bit with chores, I had full conversations without talking about klonipin or the process of tapering and symptoms. (something I always wanted..to not talk about this anymore) I even drove a car up and down the road...a small victory for some but a big one for me! I havn't driven in months and months. I smiled and laughed and sang again..something that only peppered my life here and there throughout tapering. I even cooked a quick dinner. I truly connected with myself for a bit...and it was amazing. Sure makes all efforts worth it. I went to sleep early that night as I was exhausted. it felt like my brain 'got it right' all day and it had exhausted itself. I was getting cranky and out of it and decided fighting exhaustion was not worth the few extra hours up with everyone. I slept again, like a baby. I wake up occasionally but I pass out super fast again. Again, dreams. I felt more uneasy Sunday as I knew I had to get up and get in the car for a few hours again. I had associated a bad feeling with it from the trip up and this was proving to get my symptoms going. Five minutes from leaving  the house I was so overcome with symptoms and panic we had to pull over again. This is where those affirmations helped again. That along with keeping my hands busy..something I've learned that is priceless in this process. Idle hands do the devil's work as they say.. I talked myself down and repeated affirmations for at least 45 minutes out loud, as we played mediation music. By the end of it, I felt more empowered, as I have begun teaching myself (even when I DO feel good, that I am powerful, brave and strong. I am safe and protected) The rest of the ride went great. I felt some anxiety last night, which was expected..anxiety comes around night time but very manageable..usually only have to close my eyes for sleep and I'm golden. Had very long dream about the past. I woke up this morning, forced myself to drink some water as I am feeling a bit disoriented. I read from a trusted buddy that Benadryl can hurt recovery so today I am going pill free. I went out into the sun, said some affirmations and now I am here writing this. As the day presses on I imagine I will feel a bit lighter. The true test now is teaching myself patience..and to not doubt recovery. I've added into my affirmations that 'I trust In time. I trust my brain. I trust my healing. I am patient. I do not upset myself over my healing process.' I remind myself that everyone heals, no matter how long it takes. I do have a good feeling since I have had profound windows here and there. It's only day 6 and I have had 2 or three glimpses of real life. Tomorrow is my week anniversary. My advice to anyone post jump is to keep a diary of your symptoms. I've read mine and my day 1 is nothing like today. It's much better...and now I have added yet another accomplishment to my list. "I didn't think I'd make a drive to and from upstate, yet I did. I didn't think I'd have a good time, yet I did." The work is only beginning..but this is an important part. I am trying to be diligent in self teaching. Breaking old thought patterns that were there before tapering, and reaffirmed by the tortment of tapering. Anyway, I don't want to keep blathering on..I will be back to update you guys soon.

[[An...]]

Sounds to me like you are doing ok Riley and slowly starting to heal! 

You also sound like you have an amazing BF!

[[Ch...]]

Happy to hear that! I jumped on the same day as you from 9 years on 0.5mg a day. Hoping things get better!

[[Ri...]]

antibenzo he def is the best! he's been my strength and courage this entire taper...and my pill cutter! chase, how are feeling? hope you are getting some windows too.