Not starting Month 5 how I'd hoped ...

[[88...]]

I hate to post negativity but I need to vent a little (well, I'll compress it into a little) to people who understand.  So many friends have backed away from me (when I've never needed them more,) and I burned out my beautiful loving partner months ago.

 

The nonlinear aspect of this process might be the most savage.

 

I've been all over the place -- a serious window this winter, followed by many smaller ones amidst the sadistic waves.  Recently after a protracted drop I had many "4 out of 10" days in a row - horrible, but itself progress - then 5's. How foolish of me to think linearity and more tangible healing could finally be starting.

 

This afternoon was my worst moment in weeks.  Absolutely overwhelming.  Left work early.  I'm thankfully back where I was yesterday (3 out of 10) but I don't know how much longer I can wait to have my life back and stop losing more and more and more and more of the things I cherish.

 

My taper started in August after 3 years of Klonopin.  I thought yesterday's 4 months poison-free milestone was something to celebrate but as I stare into the abyss of having no goddamn idea when I will start feeling regularly SORT-of-ok, how do I not think of aging and death and the possibility that the best years of my life are gone at 38 years old? 

 

I don't mean to offend, and I *am* grateful for my progress despite the tone of this post.  But I can only be positive and focus on the lessons of this, of how I've become stronger, of how my goals have been clarified, on what's important to me, so much.  Am I allowed to feel rage? Am I allowed to plan the lawsuit I'll be bringing? Am I allowed to think about some kind of revenge/justice from drug companies and careless doctors?

 

Am I allowed to scream and kick the wall and fall to the floor sobbing? 

 

Probably not.  Online it probably says somewhere that sets us back a year.

[[Fr...]]

Month 5 seems to be the worst for most people. I am in Month 9 and it has been hell I will say that Month 5 and 9 have been the worst so far. Hang in there 🙏🏽

[[Le...]]

4 months closer to healing! CONGRATS! Great post - loved the humor in it but right there with you on feeling that way in Month 4. I am 11 months of K and feeling MUCH better but still need to rest a lot.  I could have never have worked during this so kudos to you.  Remember you really only have 5 spoons for the day - choose your activities wisely to preserve your strength.

[[Do...]]

Ya Freedom...It does me good to scream, cry and let it rip.  Me heart is racing anyway... why not let some of the pain and misery loose.  Gives me a little relief.  Relief is hard to come by these days.  I am finishing up my 5th month.  It's rough.  Hang in there.

[Guest [...]]

You phrased it well with:

 

“the non-linear aspect of this is savage”

 

My month 5 is a mixed bag. Like you, several 3/10 days only to be thrown back into full body and brain electrocution pain.

 

Hang in there......

[[pi...]]

Hello 99keys,

 

 

Am I allowed to scream and kick the wall and fall to the floor sobbing? 

 

Sure you're allowed to do all of the above.  I used to yell at my symptoms and complain to my daughter's dog when I was walking him. I know of members who would go in the bathtub and scream and others who would punch a pillow. If it helps get rid of some of the frustration, then I say do it.  In the end I needed to simply accept the process and be patient.  I wasn't perfect in following this mantra but I tried.

 

4 months off is still pretty early in withdrawal. In fact, I had a lovely new symptom show up right about on the 4 month anniversary. It was the dizzy boaty feeling that stuck around for several long months.

 

Nothing is fair about benzo withdrawal but things do get better. It can be snail slow and at times it feels like one step forward to two steps back, but with time you will see the symptoms ease up. 

 

I'm long off benzos and long healed and I still feel that coming off benzos was the best thing I've ever done for my health and wellbeing.

 

pianogirl 

[[88...]]

Thanks everyone for their replies. Pianogirl, why do you say 4 months is early? I’ve seen success stories of people who took only months, and even if not, I’ve seen “6-18 months” a lot. I need the hope right now that it’s not going to be too long before I AT LEAST feel ok a majority of the time. My taper was horrible and I’ve lost so much of my life to this nightmare already. I’m desperate.

[[su...]]

I'm the same as you. I'm almost at 4 months. I hit a plateau where if I don't eat coffee which I love or sugar I can have ok days but I still can't think strait. My zest for life is gone. I'm tired of being in this state. I'm living but I don't feel normal at all. I'm close to your age and I feel like that too like I've reached an end and I will never feel normal again. There are stories on here though which have given me hope that all this does pass. Thats awesome you can work at this point. In many ways I wish I was working to pass the days and maybe feel more full of life again.

[[ph...]]

Months 3 & 4 were dramatic improvements over my first two months, and I was able to return to work.

 

Month 5 almost had me quit, because of the nasty wave I was in.

 

Hang in there.

[[So...]]

Thanks everyone for their replies. Pianogirl, why do you say 4 months is early? I’ve seen success stories of people who took only months, and even if not, I’ve seen “6-18 months” a lot. I need the hope right now that it’s not going to be too long before I AT LEAST feel ok a majority of the time. My taper was horrible and I’ve lost so much of my life to this nightmare already. I’m desperate.

 

I'm sorry you are suffering so badly right now, I get it. Unfortunately my body doesn't detox from benzos too well and I don't think I really hit the rough part of my withdrawal until 11 months after I jumped, or it was a setback I'm not too sure, but this process usually does take a lot longer than we ever hope it will. I don't say that to scare you but to prepare you to be in this for the long haul, and if you heal faster than fabulous but just know that when people take high doses like you and I it is not unusual for it to take a few years for total healing to take place. Just be gentle with yourself and stay away from stress as much as possible, don't drink alcohol and avoid caffeine and sugar as they rev up your already delicate nervous system and you will heal. We all heal in our own unique time

[[pi...]]

Thanks everyone for their replies. Pianogirl, why do you say 4 months is early? I’ve seen success stories of people who took only months, and even if not, I’ve seen “6-18 months” a lot. I need the hope right now that it’s not going to be too long before I AT LEAST feel ok a majority of the time. My taper was horrible and I’ve lost so much of my life to this nightmare already. I’m desperate.

 

Hello again,

 

Yes, I believe 4 months is early off. However, that does not mean you'll feel this rough for many months to come. While I did have that lovely new symptom at 4 months, as time went on I was more and more functional, more and more active. Yes, there were a some lingering symptoms that took longer than others to ease up, but they did go away. I had some waves, the strongest being right before I healed completely.

 

Remember, each person will have their own withdrawal recovery.  If you feel OK a majority of the time, that means that good healing is going on.  This is likely to be your baseline and your baseline will improve as time goes on. 

 

Yes, we all lose things during withdrawal, sometimes very important parts of our life are lost. The good thing is that you can regain the lost parts of your life and benzos will be in the rear view mirror.

 

PG 

[[Gr...]]

I am 6 and 1/2 months off now,  and month 5 was okay for me.  I felt my worst in month two, and then things have slowly gotten slightly better.  I had a few good windows in months 3 &4.  I would say month 6, right now, is the best I've felt in a long long time.  There's definitely still symptoms but everything is much more manageable and I feel like I may be healing rather rapidly actually.  Makes me wonder if I wasted my time tapering so slowly. 

 

All the anxiety I felt while on the benzos, is basically gone.  I still have issues with my anger and just feeling my feelings in general, cause they feel so big and strong, but it's getting better and I can't believe how long they were muted.  I still have very very dark depressive episodes, but they are becoming less frequent. 

 

88keys-  You are definitely allowed to feel rage.  It's totally normal to be upset about how long this healing process is for something you never signed up for.