4 months off update

[[al...]]

So, it is 4 months since I got off diazepam that I was taking for only slightly over 3 months. For the first 2 months I wanted to jump out of my skin - terrible night terrors, body pulsating in terror, burning chest and arms, derealization, extremely sensitive to lights and sounds, fears, tension in body, etc. Then suddenly near the end of 2nd month off I've had 2 or 3 days where I felt almost 80% cured. I couldn't believe it. It felt great, derealization almost gone... but worst was yet to come.

 

After that every day was worse and worse until I was curled up on the floor in such torture where my body simply couldn't let me to relax physically/chemically/emotionally/psychologically... the worst was in my legs and arms ... I was on the edge to do something stupid because that was intolerable plus terrible derealization. That terror tension was most of the time going away by feeling sudden relaxation that was vibrating through my whole body and I could actually feel it vibrating and my legs becoming relaxed... crazy stuff. That worst period lasted some 3.5 weeks during that 3rd month off.

 

After that it became more tolerable and improving for next 3 weeks. After that another horrible 10 days arrived where I was feeling weird chemical/physical pain in the arms and shoulders, but it wasn't nowhere near the 3rd month horror.

 

Since this Tuesday I was once again suddenly somehow better, but today, probably because of weather changes (rain, clouds, birds going crazy) I'm stuck with derealization and I feel like I'm in parallel dimension. It's not terrible as it used to be, but still very weird and scary. When I feel like this I can't even remember what it's like to feel normal.

I was also pretty much sad and depressed today and feeling like falling into some deep pit... like sadness was turning me inside into porridge (learned that word right now). It was worsened by the fact that I'm for pretty much long time in love with someone (not quite happily 'yet' ) and that didn't help. It all simply crashed down on me today and I felt sad and hopeless and I didn't feel like that more than 2 or 3 times in my life.

 

But overally, I see some improvements. Good and bad days exchange. My worst and most scary symptom is derealization. That beast is really resilient motherf***er, but I have days where derealization becoms really mild and that gives me hope.

When I look back I see improvements, that's for sure, but when bad days come it's easy to forget any improvements and I still feel trapped in that condition.

[[Li...]]

Withdrawal is strange.. The first two months for me, felt like an extremely amped up version of my tolerance withdrawal. I didn't have much in the way of physical symptoms. If anything, my entire body was numb. I remember thinking how strange it was that I couldn't feel ANYTHING. I had severe emotional blunting, no physical sensations, everything was numb.. I had really bad DP/DR and actually remember wishing that I could feel my old social anxiety when I was out, because I wanted to feel SOMETHING other than the constant mental torment I was enduring.

 

Month 3, suddenly everything stopped. I thought I was actually one of the lucky ones that got through withdrawal early. I felt amazing and was functional. This lasted 5-6 weeks. But then in month 4, the bombs fell and I have been in a wave that feels worse than acute originally did. It's been going on for 5 weeks now and I'm waiting eagerly for it all to end, so I can feel like I did in month 3.

[[al...]]

Nothing has much sense during withdrawal. During bad weather I wasn't maybe feeling great before benzo, but now I feel 100 times worse. I could wake up feeling sometimes pretty good and the next morning I could wake up with fears, dr, tinnitus, dizziness, etc.

Nobody should go through this agony except maybe those who invented and are prescribing these poisons.

[[lu...]]

Hi.

 

I know how you feel. I was even less, just 2 months in vadiazepan. 2 mg max a day and tapering 1 mg. Is my 3rd month off and still having symptoms. Especially my head and tinnitus. I hope this doesn't last forever. All the best xx

[[al...]]

It's hard to comprehend that such short term use of such low doses can mess me up so hard for such a long time. I don't plan to take any psychotropic poison ever again no matter what.

I see some improvements, but waves are still terrifying. I must believe that till the end of the year I will be much better.