Declaring Victory

[[Be...]]

I have now been benzo free for two full years and will declare victory. 

 

My story began in 2008 when I was going through a divorce and sought counseling through a psychiatrist to help with anxiety.  He prescribed clonazepam on an as needed basis.  At the time I didn’t understand the addictive nature of benzos or the half life of the medicine.  Over the period of four years I became more and more dependent and "as needed" became ever more frequent.  I tried to go longer periods between doses, but didn’t realize that I had become dependent and that extended periods between doses were sending me into withdrawal each time.  In 2012, I moved and found a new psychiatrist who placed me on 1 mg/day clonazepam one time at night before bed.  Two years into this I started getting withdrawal symptoms and it became clear that I needed to up my dose in order to remain steady.  About that time I found Benzo Buddies and learned the dangers of dosage increases and how to conduct a controlled withdrawal.  In 2014, I began what turned out to be a one year withdrawal using the water titration method.  I finished withdrawal on October 9, 2015 and have not touched a benzo since then.

 

You can view my withdrawal story at the link in my signature.  I am so glad that I went through the misery of withdrawal because I feel so much better today as a result.  My experience post withdrawal was one of steady improvement.  As I approached the end of withdrawal I became very fatigued and the fatigue stayed with me for months.  It also took a long time to figure out how to deal with anxiety without meds.  I chose not to see a therapist, but have instead practiced mindful awareness meditation.  I will never be mistaken for a monk, but my meditation practice has improved over time and I am much more even keeled and get much better sleep than I did while taking benzos or for the first year afterwards.  The only symptom that seems to hang with me is tinnitus.  I don’t notice this often, but I do notice it from time-to-time and I don’t recall experiencing tinnitus at any point in my life prior to withdrawing from benzos.

 

For those of you still on your journey to zero, I wish you the best and can say from my own experience that withdrawal will be one of the best decisions you will ever make.

 

[[Fa...]]

Congrats on your healing and two years benzo free! It must be a huge relief to be on the other side of this. I can't wait to be there myself someday! Glad you're feeling well! Thanks for sharing your story.

[[Ch...]]

I took clonazepam "as needed" for years, too, and it crept up on me. I'm glad you are pretty much healed. Thanks for stopping by to give us all some hope. I needed that this week.

[[id...]]

Congrats, Ben! Thank you for sharing your story, very encouraging.

My benzo journey begun with a divorce too, although indirectly. I was self medicating with phenibut (it acts on GABA, similar to benzos, and was prescribed to me in a different country for jet lag) and St John's Wort (basically an OTC SSRI) and knew nothing about withdrawal. When I was in acute withdrawal from stopping both, I was "diagnosed" with GAD, panic attacks and even bi-polar (because I couldn't sleep much right after my husband filed for divorce, so the Dr thought I was "manic") and prescribed Ativan. It all went downhill from there and now I am tapering from Klonopin. Do you remember what dose did you jump at?

[[Sp...]]

Congratulations, I'm so glad you are feeling better!

[[iw...]]

Congratulations! I'm at 19 months now, and tinnitus is still my worst symptom.  It's a constant buzzing in my head that fluctuates in loudness.  Some days are worse than others.  My tinnitus started after I withdrew from Clonazepam the first time.  It has been torture!  Can you tell me how your tinnitus is compared to when you first withdrew?  I need hope that this will get better and eventually go away.  I can't live like this!  :'(

[[Ol...]]

YEA!!! Love to hear success stories! Thanks for stopping by!

[[ma...]]

:D

[[Vi...]]

Congratulations, so happy for you!

Love and healing

Vica

[[Ch...]]

Congrats, great post!

[[Pi...]]

Hello Ben800, Congratulations and thank you so very much for sharing your success story with us! Gives me and those who are still in the midst of withdrawal lots of hope and inspiration! Hope and pray that your tinnitus will be gone completely soon!

 

Sending you my love and more blessings!

 

Pi

[[Be...]]

Congrats, Ben! Thank you for sharing your story, very encouraging.

My benzo journey begun with a divorce too, although indirectly. I was self medicating with phenibut (it acts on GABA, similar to benzos, and was prescribed to me in a different country for jet lag) and St John's Wort (basically an OTC SSRI) and knew nothing about withdrawal. When I was in acute withdrawal from stopping both, I was "diagnosed" with GAD, panic attacks and even bi-polar (because I couldn't sleep much right after my husband filed for divorce, so the Dr thought I was "manic") and prescribed Ativan. It all went downhill from there and now I am tapering from Klonopin. Do you remember what dose did you jump at?

 

Hi Ideal,

 

I never jumped.  I used the water titration method to taper slowly all the way to zero.

[[Be...]]

Congratulations! I'm at 19 months now, and tinnitus is still my worst symptom.  It's a constant buzzing in my head that fluctuates in loudness.  Some days are worse than others.  My tinnitus started after I withdrew from Clonazepam the first time.  It has been torture!  Can you tell me how your tinnitus is compared to when you first withdrew?  I need hope that this will get better and eventually go away.  I can't live like this!  :'(

 

Hi Iwsth,

 

The tinnitus seems to be more noticeable now than immediately after my withdrawal, but maybe because it's the only symptom remaining.  It doesn't normally bother me.  I just notice it sometimes if I am in a quiet space.  So far I don't classify this as particularly worrisome or bothersome, just something I notice and that I am sure wasn't present before I withdrew from clonazepam.

[[Cu...]]

It has been torture!  Can you tell me how your tinnitus is compared to when you first withdrew?  I need hope that this will get better and eventually go away.  I can't live like this!

 

 

Iwsth,

 

You can successfully habituate to your tinnitus, to the point that you won't notice it or think about it, and would live a perfectly happy life, as if it weren't there.

 

The more you keep telling yourself that it is really bad, that you cannot live with this, etc, the more you teach your brain to see it as an enemy, and the more you will be tortured by it.

 

The more you convince yourself that it is irrelevant, that you don't mind its presence, the more the brain would normalize it, forget it, and cease to notice it.

 

You can't imagine a situation in which it wouldn't bother you right now, but once the brain stops seeing it as a enemy, it does happen. Then it would be like blinking or breathing which are always there but which we don't notice unless we try to focus on them. It might take time, but it does happen.

 

See:

 

http://tinnitussuccess.com/mark-vazquez/

 

https://www.healthyhearing.com/report/52726-My-accidental-triumph-over-tinnitus

 

 

[[iw...]]

It has been torture!  Can you tell me how your tinnitus is compared to when you first withdrew?  I need hope that this will get better and eventually go away.  I can't live like this!

 

 

Iwsth,

 

You can successfully habituate to your tinnitus, to the point that you won't notice it or think about it, and would live a perfectly happy life, as if it weren't there.

 

The more you keep telling yourself that it is really bad, that you cannot live with this, etc, the more you teach your brain to see it as an enemy, and the more you will be tortured by it.

 

The more you convince yourself that it is irrelevant, that you don't mind its presence, the more the brain would normalize it, forget it, and cease to notice it.

 

You can't imagine a situation in which it wouldn't bother you right now, but once the brain stops seeing it as a enemy, it does happen. Then it would be like blinking or breathing which are always there but which we don't notice unless we try to focus on them. It might take time, but it does happen.

 

See:

 

http://tinnitussuccess.com/mark-vazquez/

 

https://www.healthyhearing.com/report/52726-My-accidental-triumph-over-tinnitus

 

CuriousGuy,

 

Thanks for the advice.  I know I need to stop worrying about it.  I keep hoping that it will go away, but maybe I need to just focus on accepting it and trying to ignore it.  I'm just so sick of this withdrawal shit.  I want to feel normal again.

 

iwsth

[[...]]

Iwsth,

 

I'm struggling with tinnitus too. I've had it for about 3 months. I'm super hopeful it will eventually go. But it scares me and makes me anxious.

 

I've seen some of your posts on bb and I can tell, like me, the tinnitus is causing you great distress. Like CG said, you can habituate to it. I know several people who have it for years and live full, happy lives. It's not hopeless. But like me, your body is going into an anxiety state because of it and now it's a conditioned response for you.

 

I think the anxiety fuels it and makes it worse. I'm seeking counseling to help with the anxiety and I'm seeing an audiologist for tinnitus retraining therapy at the end of the month. Just my advice, as one who is in the same boat, you aren't going to find an answer from anyone here on bb. Everyone has their own story and heals at their own pace. But what I have seen is the ones who heal from their tinnitus first lose their anxiety. I also notice that most ppl (not all, but most) who didn't have it prebenzo eventually heal from the ear stuff. I also see that it can take months to years so you have to learn to live with it til it heals. One of the top docs in this field says that more often than not it goes away in time.

 

You have to find the answers for you. You can heal from it and even if it doesn't full resolve you can live a good life with it. You have to believe that.

 

Be careful of other meds too. I know quite a few ppl who have it from meds they are taking. Psych drugs can cause it.

 

McS

[[Cu...]]

 

Habituation to the tinnitus would be ten times easier if we were not to deal with benzo anxiety at the same time. Unfortunately, we have both. Not worrying about it helps, but I guess we would have to be somewhat or sometimes anxious about it during withdrawal.

 

Once we are out of withdrawal, if the tinnitus does not resolve itself (is not sure, but highly probable that it goes away), we can habituate easily to the point it does not bother us anymore and we forget about it easily.

 

So, don't lose hope if habituation takes more time for you right now. :-) 

[[...]]

CG,

 

So true. Everything you said. I wonder too, if the reason so many get tinnitus is because of the anxiety state we are all thrown into.

 

Like I said, I believe it will resolve but getting from A to B is the hard part.

 

And I'm so happy for you Benn008!  Your story gives me hope!

 

McS

[[Cu...]]

 

I wouldn't have noticed my tinnitus, or worried about it, had I not been informed of its existence here, LOL. I didn't have it for two months, and began dreading about getting it two weeks before I actually got it. I began obsessing about 'if get it I will do this, and it'll be okay' and trying to convince myself of that, endlessly. Now that it came, I have already built-up an anxious reaction to it.

 

Now, if someone mentions a symptom which I don't know, I just ignore it. 

[[...]]

I didn't notice it much either. I got it right after I jumped. For two months it was not bothersome. But then we started packing to move and the stress set in and for the last three months it's been rough. And I have the automatic anxiety reaction to it as well.

 

I'm working on the anxiety side heavily right now. I am very hopeful it will go eventually. It does for most people who get it with wd and didn't have it prior. But it takes time and I can't live like this for all that time.

 

Sorry for hijacking this thread!!  CG, come visit over on post acute wd. There's lots of several months off folks over there who are struggling through all the same stuff.

 

Mcs

[[iw...]]

Thanks for the advice about tinnitus.  I know my anxiety is making it worse.  I'm really trying to force myself to ignore it and not worry about it so much.  Overall it is getting quieter even though it is still constant, so I have a little bit of hope.  I'm just getting impatient and want all of this to be over and forgotten!

[[...]]

Hang in there. I know how hard it is. I'm glad it's getting better for you. That gives me hope.

 

McS

[[pu...]]

  I chose not to see a therapist, but have instead practiced mindful awareness meditation.  I will never be mistaken for a monk, but my meditation practice has improved over time and I am much more even keeled and get much better sleep than I did while taking benzos or for the first year afterwards. 

 

Good for you. I want to go this route. Have a wonderful life and thank you for sharing with us! 

[[Be...]]

Thanks to all for the positive feedback.  I am glad that my experience resonates with some of you and is hopefully helpful for many.  It was so hard starting and then persevering through withdrawal.  I found positive success stories on this site to be highly motivational during that journey and now want to give back to the BB community.