month 14 update - I still healing and Im still sensitive (not too much)

[[He...]]

My acute symptoms were:

 

Agoraphobia, Agitation, Anxiety, Apathy, Anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure), Crying, Depression, Despair, Dysphoria, Generalized Fear, Fear of dying, Fear of losing control and going insane, Fearing symptoms are not withdrawal, Fearing that you will never get better, Fear of life, Fear that symptoms are permanent, Feeling emotional, Feeling frightened, Feeling hopeless, Frustration, Inability to appreciate humour and laugh, Inability to feel emoticons, Inability to feel joy, Inability to feel pleasure, Internal feeling of anxiety with no corresponding, external cause, Irritability, Lonliness, Low mood, Nervousness, No feelings of fun or laughter, tinnitus, Overwhelmed feeling, Rapid mood fluctuations, Sensitive feelings, Negative and anxious looping thoughts, Terror, Hypervigilence about symptoms, Difficulty in distracting oneself, Feeling disconnected, Feeling drugged, Feeling freaked out, Feeling like a zombie, Feeling numb, Feeling scared, Feeling traumatised, Getting worried over small things, Horrific visions, Images and songs keep repeating in mind, Inability to relax or sit still, Jumpiness, Loss of sense of identity, Misperceptions, Severe Obsessive and compulsive thinking (OCD), Intrusive mental images and visual thoughts, General Intrusive toughts and weird thinking, tinnitus, Pacing, Panic attacks, Racing thoughts, Reduced stress tolerance, intrusive memories, Thinking you are mentally ill, Unwarranted feelings of guilt, Vivid dreams, Weird thinking, Weird feeling, Derealisation, Depersonalisation, Distortion of body image, Feeling like legs and arms are not attached to body, Confusion, Delusional thinking, Disorientation, Can't do basic tasks, Difficulty reading, Difficulty thinking, Impaired cognitive skills, Impaired communication skills, Inability to focus, Inability to function, Inability to learn, Jumbled thoughts, Lack of concentration, Memory and comprehension problems,Inability to think,  Poor judgement, Poor memory, Short-term memory problems, Slow thinking processes, Avoiding friends and people, Inability to occupy oneself, Bloodshot eyes, Blurry vision, Difficulty seeing, Flashes of light in the eyes, Fuzzy eyes, Glassy eyes, Pressure in the inner ear and outer ear, Red burning eyes, Sore eyes, Swollen eyes, Tearing eyes, Uncontrolled eye movement, Buzzing noises, Chest pains, Fast heartbeat, Heart palpitations, Severe pain chest, Tightness in chest, feels twisted, Cranial tightness (felt my head was decompressing), Face spasms, Inner tension, Muscle spasms, Rigidness and jerks, Muscle aches, Muscle cramping, Muscle tension, Muscle weakness (especially in the legs, arms and hands), Tension in neck, Tight achy muscles, Tight jaw and temple, Tight head, Tight muscles in left leg, Tight muscles in neck and shoulders, Gas, Knot in stomach, Loss of appetite and weight loss, Severe pain in stomach, Dry mouth, Severe head pain, Difficulty breathing, Intolerance to music, Sensitive to music, Sensitive to loud noises, Brain nerve pain, "Electric shock" sensations, brain zaps, Anxiety dreams, Frequent awakenings during the night, Horrific nightmares, Hypnagogic hallucinations, Jolts that wake you up, Lack of deep sleep, Poor sleep, Rebound REM sleep, Severe insomnia and tiredness, Weird dreams, Brain fog, Frozen feeling (like I need to get up and do something but can't do the action), Lack of energy, Lack of motivation, Loss of sex drive, Mental and physical exhaustion. And more… I will describe it better.

 

after 13 months, Im going to month 14 and I feel me almost healed. If 1 month ago I was 95%, now Im like 97-98%.

 

I feel my brain still healing, even my experience of life seems almost what I consider the normal one.

 

My present state:

 

-I feel me a human  (finally).

-I feel joy in life (even Im not healed yet)

-I feel the control over my head (with the exception of some moments, tipically when Im tired)

-Im back to my work and I CAN DO EVERYTHING BETTER THAN BEFORE WD WHILE ON BENZOS. MY MEMORY IS AS NEVER WAS. I CAN MEMORIZE PHONE NUMBERS, CODES, DATES, EVERYTHING. During acute I didnt kno who I was.

- Food tastes better

- my vision is perfect

- I feel me healthy with the exercice and diet Ive done during WD, Im going to keep this for my life

- I dont have the health problems I had before WD. I think is due the healthy lifestyle

- Im starting creating happy futures in my head and I feel me very happy in general. I listen happy music and Im much better with my sotial skills. Im in love with life (I was not even before benzos).

 

What was healed in the last month:

 

- Existential thoughts are gone for 1.5 months.

- obsessive mind is gone. But still have one or another ocd thoughts (not new thoughts). But I healed in the last month. If I had 55 ocd thoughts one month ago, now I have days 0-1-2%.

- depression - the chemical depression is gone long time ago. But I had an emotional problem during the last month. It triggered some sad thoughts, but is gone again. Im better dealing with my emotions. But when I say depression, it was very week. A litle wave that lasted 1 week. Depression is all about accepting what you dont want to accept. It is all about imagine the future with the thing you dont want to be true, true. Then the sad thoughts go away.

- sleep: it is much better. I have, finally, nights without waking up. My last days were 6.5 hours-7 of sleep without waking up.

- tired: Some times I feel me tired. But even this is much better. Most of the days I feel constant energy all the day. Worst part is after launch. I feel my focus go away for 1-2 hours and sleepy.

 

What I need to heal:

 

- I still have neck pain sometimes. If I dont do deep massage, it worses. With neck pain, my mind doesnt work perfectly, and I have the remaining mental symptoms i told. So I think is due the lack of oxygen do the muscle tension. When I do a massage, I feel me full healed. Then, eventually, I can have one or another thought and the pain starts. And the posture of work doesnt help too much. I sleep less and wake up during night when I have pain. I dont have pain in any other part of my body.

 

Im Sensitive to:

 

- Sugar: I dont get nauseous. What I feel is my sleep is worst (if I eat aftternoon) and the next day I feel like Im in hangover. but it lasts one day and is not so intense.

- Exercice: If I dont do, my day will be much more anxious and neck pain worses.

- emotional triggers: they give me litle waves but I take some days to solve them. I can solve emotional problems(finaly)

 

 

Job stress and insomnia (main cause for benzos) are controled: My sleep is better than before benzos. even I sleep 6-7h, I feel they are high quality and enough for the day. About my work, IVE CHANGED THE PERSPECTIVE. I REALY DONT CARE ANYMORE IF IM FIRED OR NOT, IF IM THE BEST OR NOT. I DONT CARE. I DONT HAVE ANY ANXIETY ABOUT MY JOB. I TRUST IN MYSELF AND THE VALUE I GIVE TO MYSELF IS NOT ABOUT THE VALUE I THINK THE OTHERS GIVE TO MYSELF ANYMORE. THEREFORE, MY ANXIETY ABOUT MY CARRER E TOTALY GONE.

 

Even Im not healed from this symptoms, I FEEL IM LIVING BETTER THAN IN MY LAST YEARS.

 

Im waiting for all my symptoms are gone 100% to post my SS. I hope I will be healed in 1-2-3-4 months. But I dont expect anything. it is when it is.

 

I wrote this text to give you hope

 

 

[[Fe...]]

Thank you ! Very good for you wauw!

 

 

 

[[al...]]

Thanks for sharing. Happy that you recovered from those zillion sx. Im only 3 months off and derealization is my worst sx. The rest: vivid dreams, fears, night terrors, body tension etc

[[Co...]]

This is really beautiful, HF.  My favorite part:

 

Im starting creating happy futures in my head

 

I also love that your value comes from the value you feel for yourself, not the value you seek from others.  You are truly healed with that realization.

 

I have the neck pain too - I'm afraid of massage because it hurts too much, but may give that a try. 

[[2t...]]

What a great update, so very happy for you.

How is your tinnitus now at 14 months off?

 

2trusting

[[He...]]

What a great update, so very happy for you.

How is your tinnitus now at 14 months off?

 

2trusting

 

I dont have it anymore

[[Be...]]

Thanks for the update! and glad you are this close now. I still have some to go but it gives us hope!

[[pu...]]

Awesome stuff, thank you for all the details. This really helps to read. Greatly appreciated.

 

 

 

I'm having to same exact problem with my neck. Ouch!

 

 

 

I'm starting to feel the same way about my career and it feels very nice.

[[Sp...]]

Hello, Massage does help with the shoulder, neck head pain...also ultra sound and heat.....Good Luck....

[[mo...]]

Thanks for your update.  It gives great hope.  I'm glad you are doing even better than before benzos.  Amazing!

[[il...]]

You did it, man!

Enjoy your life a lot. After this suffering, you deserve it!

[[Pi...]]

HelloHealthfirst,

My heart is full of joy reading your healing progress and that you are feeling better. I love when you said you feel joy in life, food taste better, don't have the health problems like you had during the withdrawal, and that the other sxs are mostly gone. You are getting close and pray that your complete recovery will be coming SOON!

 

Thank you for posting your posting your progress update.  Gives us so much hope and inspiration that all of us who are still recovering and tapering will also heal someday!

Sending you my love and heartfelt prayers for continuous healing and complete recovery !