Extreme Kindling?

[[Sp...]]

Hey everyone.

 

I'm not sure if there's even an answer to this unusual question or if anyone would or could know how to answer or relate, but I might as well ask it anyway. Anyhow, long story short I was never prescribed benzos, I had easy access to them and I foolishly abused them to help escape lesser depression/anxiety problems of the time beginning towards the end of last year. Anyway my use was sporadic, maybe once every week or two albeit sometimes in pretty high doses usually of either klonopin or xanax (sometimes 3-4 mg or even higher). After a little while I slowly began getting strange and somewhat debilitating symptoms such as declining cognitive function, slight vision distortion, and weird tingling sensations all over especially in my face but at the time I didn't put two and two together and realize they may have been withdrawal symptoms as I didn't believe I had been using the benzos enough (I've later learned it really doesn't take much to get hooked for some, apparently myself included). I thought my symptoms must've just been from my depression or regular anxiety or something of that nature getting worse, though they were nothing like I had ever experienced before using benzos. That should have been a big red flag, and actually a couple of times I recall thinking benzos may have had something to do with it even at that time, but a strong desire to escape an already miserable reality can make people do stupid things. I am no exception. 

 

Fast forward to this past April. I still was using them sporadically every now and then, but as my symptoms slowly became worse I started to realize that benzos really took the edge off the symptoms when nothing else would. Especially Klonopin which I had easy access to. I really don't know how, but I still hadn't put two and two together that I may be in benzo withdrawal, I just thought that Klonopin seemed to work really well to cover up my bad depression/anxiety. And thus began a couple months long weekly cycle of abuse that I really regret.

 

By this time I was constantly experiencing some pretty debilitating and quite physical symptoms, stuff that normal depression/anxiety would never cause on a constant basis (bad cog fog, visual distortion, full body tingling, muscle pains, and others I would later learn classic symptoms of benzo withdrawal). At the time life suddenly started to revolve around waiting out these pretty terrible symptoms I was having during the weekdays and look forward to relief on the weekends by taking Klonopin on Friday evening and usually Saturday too. (I still at first somehow rationalized I wasn't taking them enough to form a physical dependence even with this plan...  ) . Klonopin has a long half life... so I would usually feel significantly better until around Monday or Tuesday, but by Wednesday I'd start to feel horrible again, so I'd try to struggle to just make it the next couple days before I could find some relief again on Friday. It seemed justified and a survivable lifestyle at the time. Feel kind of okay half of the week and horrible the other half. Better than feeling terrible constantly, right? (SO WRONG) I at first had no idea the damage I was likely doing to myself, as I still believed I was just simply suffering from just really bad depression/anxiety. I also found as the weeks went on, I'd need higher doses (started this cycle taking around 2 mg of Klonopin, by the end it was around 3-4 mg) for the Klonopin to take the edge off the symptoms. About halfway through this period it finally started to dawn on me that... isn't this exactly how a physical withdrawal works? Having terrible symptoms and a certain drug is the ONLY thing that relieves said symptoms? I knew benzos were very addictive from the beginning... but I didn't think they were THAT addictive until I looked up the symptoms of withdrawal and realized that my symptoms basically matched many of the classic withdrawal symptoms. I knew I was in trouble by the beginning of May, but the cycle continued because I was too scared to come clean to my parents (I'm 23 and a recent college graduate last year now living at home with my parents since graduation. I had become too ill to work or do anything really without Klonopin, and they became increasingly concerned with my change in demeanor and obvious increasing amounts of pain I was in) that I probably now had a serious drug dependency and addiction on my hands and the horrors that lay ahead. This cycle continued for about another month, the symptoms increasingly becoming worse with each weekly cycle and the relief Klonopin gave me increasingly fleeting.

 

Finally in early June I decided my life was in serious jeopardy if I didn't come clean. I had to stop. I came clean to my parents, who were surprisingly understanding. Another long story short I cold turkeyed Klonopin at the beginning of June, and I've basically been in utter agony ever since with many of the classic withdrawal symptoms such as really bad cog fog, parasthesia (it feels like all my skin is constantly burning/tingling), visual distortion (my vision is basically static or "visual snow", as well as having very obvious tracers and after images), insomnia, strong perceptual distortion, I believe dp/dr, agoraphobia and light sensitivity (the visual distortion makes outdoors especially during the day horrifying), of course terrible anxiety/depression, muscle pain and twitches, among others I'm probably forgetting. I'd say they're fairly severe relatively speaking. I had read about reinstating and doing a slow taper, but the couple of doctors I went to were unwilling because I had abused them and just referred me to a detox center which I declined as I had also heard this was a bad idea due to the medical community's general lack of understanding regarding benzo withdrawal. So I was forced to cold turkey. And it's been hell for the last 3 months ever since. Believe me, I have no desire to use them again. I just want to get through this and regain some resemblance of normalcy that I haven't had in about a year now since I began abusing them. And then cherish that normalcy most people take for granted for the rest of my days.

 

Anyway, my question is... is it possible that I severely "kindled" my brain by using Klonopin on a cyclical basis like I did especially during those couple of months in April and May? I know now (did not at the time of use) that each subsequent withdrawal is apparently harder than the last due to the "kindling" affect this has on the brain... and I wonder if each week I just made everything much worse by going through basically a cyclical "mini" withdrawal each week before reinstating the Klonopin for a couple days at the end of the week and thus kindling my brain more and more? Relative to what I've read on this site and in general, it doesn't seem like I took them that much. I wonder if it's the method in which I took them that caused the most damage. I never took benzos more than two days in a row, and never more than a couple times in a week really. In fact there was a period in December-January where I didn't take them at all for about a month and a half. The period of abuse was about 10 months (I know now that's more than enough time to develop a dependence) And yet I'd say my symptoms are rather (perhaps seemingly disproportionately and excessively) severe, as I'm almost completely incapacitated. All day every day is basically spent on the couch in my basement staring at the wall in agony, as well as commonly asking my parents for reassurance that I'll eventually be okay. It's very difficult to read or watch tv really because my thoughts and vision are so foggy and scary and I can't understand words and conversation well, it's difficult for me to even say words in my own mind. Abstract thought is impossible. Trying to talk to people is also a nightmare struggle, I can barely understand English anymore. I used to be a straight A student in high school and college. Oh and I've gotten a couple MRIs during this period and all kinds of tests and bloodwork and they all came back normal. It's definitely benzo withdrawal. Though a small part me is always a little frightened I have some very rare fatal neurodegenerative illness such as ALS, everything points to benzo withdrawal. So that's probably it.

 

So... could the severity of my symptoms in part be the result of brain "kindling"? Or perhaps am I just exceptionally susceptible to the damage these drugs can do to the brain and body? Please don't chastise me for what I did to myself. I already know it was very foolish and I'd do anything to go back in time and tell myself to never touch these awful poisonous drugs. Unbelievably not worth it. I'm just looking for possible answers and reassurance. Even if my brain is very kindled, will it still heal eventually?

 

Sorry for the long post. Thanks for any and all responses. You really are all amazing.

[[Ma...]]

hi buddy,

 

first: Please add a signature - because its hard to get it how you used the benzos

and it will help other buddies to support you.

 

In Germany there seems to be a new trend called "cycling meds". They tell patients they won't get addicted when they don't take benzos and other meds every day but only every 3d day. Or one day the benzo number 1, next day benzo number 2 and vice versa...

 

In my eyes and out of my personal experience: Thats bullshit. Its dangerous. You get addicted anyway, because our brains are much smarter than we think. Common sense would agree with me. 

 

Its the same thing with the duration of the use. How long can I take a benzo and not get addicted. I was addicted to Ativan after 3 days. I am absolutely sure. The doctor told me 3 weeks were ok. Ha.Ha.

 

I make it short: I think you are right. Extreme Kindling. Or in my eyes: Just a normal body reaction, nothing extra-ordinary.

 

Stay away from such drugs, buddy.

 

I am so sorry you suffer so much, but it will get better. You have to learn new strategies, because your old behavior should not be the way out any more. But the good thing is, many members here are telling that surviving wd forced them to practice new strategies and in the end they are sure they won't need pills ever again. I am one of them

 

Stay strong!

You are young - don't throw your life away. Give yourself all the time your body needs to heal - and it will!

Hugs

Marigold

[[te...]]

Well, if that is the case, I guess I might be in that category. I only used K for a month and half from Mid june to Aug 1st as needed. So maybe like 2-3 times a week. Possibly I may had been already addicted after the 1st week. Been in W/D ever since. I've been exposing myself lots to the outside world so I have some residual anxiety from time to time but sleep is the biggest issue for me right now. I get the fog every now and then and mainly tightning chest muscles. I just failed to go back to work for a 2nd time today. But here's hoping that it's God's plan that I enter back work in a better state of mind.

 

I hope you get better. Hope your sleep is better than mines. Hope you can also try go outside and walk around for a bit. That might take some edge off.

[[Re...]]

I agree your brain was kindled. Mine was too. From everything I read we will recover it's just going to be more intense and could take longer. High doses, kindling and cold turkey can all contribute to a more intense withdrawal/recovery. I'm over 7 months out and have seen improvements.

[[HO...]]

Me too I'm so sick! I don't know what to do. This is so scary!

[[On...]]

I’m really sick also... bad stomach cramps, no energy, burning body, head compression, my story is similar to yours, off and on my whole life..