The next Success Story (for all the crazy college-students: Read Mine) - LoveisB

[[Lo...]]

Hey, some of you may remember me, some may be new, some may be more recent than I when I initially left. I found this site during my breakdown, and I will leave my story, my fears, and my healing.

 

I remember the day my first memory came back. I was hit with the feeling of beauty, knowing I was becoming myself again.

 

(2011)

In 2011, I began college. I ended up getting with some bad people, and I remember the day I first took a Xanax. I had no idea it could truly hurt you, I just believed "if you don't addicted, it's just temporary fun." Well, when a kid takes Xanax, has alcohol around them, be prepared for over 10 shots of hard alcohol (wasn't even a drinker and I still barely drink) per NIGHT until you black out. Throwing up when "barred out," talking stupid, having to have your real friends take care of you, that was the occassional night. I'm not bsing you, I wasn't the "BAR"barian, I was just the kid who hung out with people who liked to have fun, and some of those people were bad. Anyways, I remember my first feeling of anxiety, and it was simply an inability to look someone in the eyes. NEW PARAGRAPH!

 

(Taking the Xanax paragraph) (2012-2014)

It was my second year of college now, and I hadn't had issues yet. Still young and strong, going to lectures (sometimes skipping), and I remember being able to zone out into my professor's eyes as he spoke and I would be able to absorb everything. Then one day during this same semester, I'm assuming I took some Xanax probably a few days before and had blacked out, but this lecture, I couldn't look him in the eyes. I thought it was just a phase growing up, but this persisted. It was hard to look people in the eyes (I still have trouble, but good news comes far later) and I simply thought I was awkward. Of course, the people I hung out weren't judgemental, we just did stupid things (officially cut out the truly bad people, just had my friends and we did stupid things haha). So, go two more years, standard drama, standard college, and one night I decided to pick up a couple bars (Xanax). I had never done that before, I always got one or half from a friend on random, but I didn't know they were bad, and I picked up 3 or 4. That night, I had gone to a party. I took half I believe, and for the entire night, I was apparently going around saying Where are my bars  :'( :'( :'( :( . It wasn't angry constant questioning, I just didn't know I took ALL of them and I thought someone took them. So, next morning, I wake up, we go get Pho, I realize I probably took them all, laughed it off, and later went back to my place. Then, the feeling of addiction hit. I was shivering, hot, feeling brain fog, standard addiction stuff (still didn't know there were side-effects). I thought all this was temporary, kept myself in a blanket for the entire night, the next day I rested, and I felt after those two nights. Everything was fine, but on my birthday at another friend's place a couple of months later, I took half a bar and "railed" (snorted) another half. Some people came over, some of them were my friends, and of course the drinking began. Hour later I remember needing to throw up. Got to the bathroom, puked, woke up the next morning, and had to clean up. I threw up on their couch as well LOL so I spent an hour cleaning. Anyways THE SYMPTOMS BEGIN. (2015)

 

(Symptoms paragraph) (2014-2015)

I start having brain fog, stress, dizziness, etc, PANIC about how the drugs had hurt me (awareness of issues lasted for a good couple of months). I'm freaking out, googling my way through  this (I've never had issues with handling my problems, only have issues with keeping myself from doing stupid things and this has always been a life thing lol).  So, I'm freaking out, but I came across Xanax symptoms or something like that, it's been a long time since, and I started putting the pieces together. All those sites say NEVER mix alcohol, you can die, etc., and I was . Intense research goes on, I end up finding this site, I start hearing all these intense things like teeth falling out, etc. I check my gums, and I've never checked my gums before, so when I saw my gums, I thought my teeth were going to fall out. I thought my gums were reclining (they weren't, I just never paid attention). To be honest, time heals, but there are some permanent things such as the teeth falling out and that's what I worried about. I went to the dentist, had them check, and everything seemed fine. (During this time, I'm sending messages, making posts on success stories asking about the recover process, etc., we've all done this). So, I go to a neurologist (brain doctor), they give me tests, brain scans, MRI, etc., and I tell him in private why everything is going on. He said my scores are lower than my age group, but I have no brain damage. Of course, maybe there was brain damage that they just don't know about (don't freak, pretty sure there wasn't/not). He ended up telling me my brain was in "mush" mode, and I needed to give it time to heal. (Listen to Heal by Tom Odell; it's a nice song and just started playing when I typed heal. I'll say that's a sign from our protector or my protector, and he/she/it/love gave me many signs during the struggle) ANYWAYS, I did more research and there were posts about how our brain blocks off pathways and slowly opens them up over time in order to protect our brain from the drugs. (I did intense research from multiple success stories, symptom stories, and put together what I believed was what was going on; will have this at the end). So, I needed time to heal, in short.

 

Positive semi-related story (getting through life with issues)

I had one more year of college left (ended up missing a Spanish registration and that made me go an extra quarter LOL REGISTER FOR SPANISH/LANGUAGE PEOPLE!!!!). Knowing my issues, I spread out my classes to 3 a quarter rather than 4 knowing I had the extra quarter, and let me say, I couldn't study until it was crunch time. This was how I've always been, and still am, but imagine the studying to be harder. Anyways, I got those study guides, and I mastered them. I know how to write, and luckily, my classes were based on writing. I scored top 3% in Political Science 186 Regulations simply because I busted my butt those last two weeks in memorizing and understanding how the system worked. Of course I failed my Philosophy class (D+ is apparently a pass, but I call it a fail), but aint no way am I understanding Philosophy (my major) during those times haha. Spanish went well. (positive vibes). Anyways, I remember walking past a flyer as I left my Music in Scotland class (was my final quarter) and the flyer was about Concert Band auditions. I was first chair in Clarinet throughout High School, All Southern, All State, College Groups in High School, Pacific Symphony Youth Wind Ensemble, but I hadn't played since the end of High School (I wanted a break, some could say it was stupid, I would still make that same decision except have a little bit more music in my life during college). I tried out, got first chair, and life went uphill fast. I was making new friends, GOOD friends that didn't do stupid things, and I was happy again. I was working with the professor, and basically, I distracted myself from my issues. [i zone out alot, and that may be due to still having issues with concentrating (It's alot better than before, don't freak out people) so pardon my wall of texts.]  Imagine also being very lazy, smoking the first year post-college away (time goes by really fast when you're an addict to marijuana) but I still had music in my life.

 

Guys, it took me forever to get on track to my next step: Grad School. Imagine a year wasted, another half of a year just doing the smallest of steps and procrastinating, but then the roll began. The symptoms are basically gone. I'm intelligent, I'm strong, I'm decent-looking, and I have a positive path. Let me also say, I have an amazing dog named Elvis who I got 2 years ago (May 2015), and he's been my boy.

 

(Main Point)

The point is: I mixed alcohol with xanax many times, some nights were multiple Xanax and far too much alcohol, some other nights were relaxed xanax and alcohol nights. This is supposed to be as bad as it gets, I never had issues before first taking the drugs, and the issues began after going to the deep end too many times. But the issues STILL healed in just two years for the most part (yeah, the time is a long time, but after a year you barely notice it). So, we're all different, we all have different issues. Some have it alot worse. Some have setbacks, some have their symptoms disappear completely then just pop back up out of normal. Mine was a very SLOW healing, but I never had them pop back up. Heck, I even drank at times during the healing. I'm still a kid, and tbh, drinking never set me back. So, what are my words of advice? Get healthy, find people you love, if you're alone, go out in the world, volunteer, just meet people. Distract yourself: I built the most amazing Comicbook library I have seen (the greatest epics, stories, etc.) (of course there are far better, but this is MY library). Exercise, rest, hang out, do a test run with alcohol to see if it hurts you LOL, get a path going when you're ready. The main thing is to remember: it's temporary. A very longggggg temporary for some, but again, at least I didn't notice it that much after a year. Now, if you have it worse and far longer (some do), my best wishes. For the majority, expect 1-3 years.

 

January XX, 2018 will be my 3rd year anniversary since I last took a Xanax. It's gonna get easier guys, somehow, but not today.

 

 

[[pi...]]

thanks loveisback...that was a great success story post. Really appreciate it as my story has some similarities to yours. I am a bit further along then you as I had been out of university for 6 months and working but I can relate to the experiences you mentioned at college as they are fresh in my memory. Really need success stories on here so thanks bud and all the best to you! 

[[To...]]

Live the honesty and congrats brother. I can identify with a lot of what you said as I was put on xanax at 25 years old and many bachelor parties got the best of me. I am 2 months off and your story gives us all hope. Hopefully I'll get to the point too where I can have a celebratory drink to you and everybody who battled this!! Keep it going man. Healthy living and eating are so overlooked before we take these drugs. Keep exercising moving, socializing and living healthy on your terms! Cheers!!! 

[[Si...]]

Wow, great story! Happy for you that you are doong much better now!

Did you also suffer from negative repetitive obsessive thoughts? Regrets, scaring the future?

[[Lo...]]

Of course I did the obsession is serious, fear that you truly effed yourself. But the process of getting better is far too long. I also made a lot of stupid decisions. Think that who you are truly, but with less self-control, means that the good is scared and the bad is aggravated.

 

the most important thing to realize is the healing for some legit take a LONG time, I'm talking it's almost three years for me and I'm still healing. Definitely functional and all, but it's not perfect yet. I can see how little there is to go, but how long it takes to fix that little.

 

keep in mind, I didn't meditate haha. Proabably out of fear of getting in touch with my hurt self, but I should start that soon. I'm starting to dream constantly and normally again as well.

[[Lo...]]

Hi, just dropping by to say hi! Those of you who are in healing, just keep going. After over 3 years now, I can say I'm basically healed.

 

What brought me back today was my dog. I was playing with him and had a realization that we have beautiful animals thT we can bond with. I never realized that before, and this may not have to do with the benzos, but it's nice knowing humans aren't the only significant lives.

 

Keep going!