Eight months post-CT and seeing some improvements

[[Co...]]

Hey Buddies,

I'm eight months off an "accidental" Klonopin cold turkey, and seeing measurable improvements.  Everything is still so rocky, I'm afraid to write a celebratory post, but it would wrong of me to hold back if reading this might encourage anyone.  Here are a few things that are better:

 

- Most days, anxiety is about a 3 on scale of 10.  For months, it was 9 - 10, and nearly unbearable.  I can't even think about it now.... unrelenting terror, but not any more.  I can manage most rushes of anxiety with the 4-7-8 breathing exercise.  I haven't felt the need for l-theanine (which doesn't really work anyway) in several days. 

 

- Depression is still the worst sx, but slightly less dense and black.  I have days now with no ideation. 

 

- Sleep has improved.  I wake frequently, but can almost always fall back to sleep.  I'm getting about 7 hours/night.  My dreams are normal.  The quality of my sleep feels more "normal" in a way that's hard to describe or quantify. 

 

- My vision is improving.  I have moments throughout the day when it looks as though someone has turned up the lights on a dimmer switch - a very dramatic brightening sensation.  Colors are brighter and more vivid. 

 

- Some of the wackier mental sxs are letting up.  DP/DR, intrusive memories, feelings of dissociation - being alien, unreal, like Rip van Winkle - it's all still there at times, but slowly going away.  I still feel a sense of terror associated with my home (what IS that?  I can't even go to my basement because it freaks me out), but I've had a bit of a break from it a couple days. 

 

- Toxic wake-ups and toxic naps.  Still have 'em, but getting a little better.  For 8 months I woke up in a state of sheer, kicked in the gut terror every single morning.  That would quickly sink into a desolate sense of despair and depression.  Every day.  I know many of you get this one as well.  It's getting better just in this past week - mornings are still the worst time of day, but I can transition to wakefulness a little more normally. 

 

- Cog fog is definitely better.  Things that would mentally wipe me out at work are now just little bleeps in my day.  I'm able to problem-solve, and can do small multi-step tasks.  Short term memory is improving.  I can follow plot of tv or movie (as long as there's nothing too triggering, violent, or upsetting in any way).  I still can't focus well enough to read, but I started a jigsaw puzzle today.  I can't wait to be 100% back online, because even a little improvement has been awesome. 

 

I still have a long way to go, but I feel that I've definitely reached the tipping point where the healing is noticeable and measurable.  Until this week, I haven't had a real window/wave pattern.  Some days are a little better and some a little worse.  But last week, I had a very definite four day window.  That was awesome.  I felt like myself again - probably 80%.  Today is not so good, but definitely better than last weekend.  I think my baseline is a solid 70%. 

 

Some highlights from the past week:

 

- I dozed off one evening while watching tv!  I actually felt sleepy, and then woke up in a few minutes with no toxic wake-up!!

 

- I started a jigsaw puzzle today - the most challenging thing I've been able to do at home since this started was clearing a spot on the table and sorting the puzzle pieces.  I still have holiday china on the table from the last meal we had before I was hit with acute withdrawal symptoms.  That's how bad things have been here. 

 

- I saw my son one evening after work and nearly cried with joy because I've missed him so much.  I see him every day, but the dp/dr had let up to the point that I was able to really see him and feel his presence without completely dissociating.   

 

- the vision thing is very cool.  Ashton was right - it's just a pleasure to see everything bright and colorful.

 

Healing doesn't seem like an abstract concept now - I truly feel progress.  Life is going to be beautiful again. It's going to be worth it. 

[Guest [ha...]]

That's great...so glad for you. The part that got me the most was your tears when seeing your son. I went to hug my son today and still so disassociated. I cried anyway...feeling such a disconnect...I miss my family so much in this...This is the most cruel of tortures...Happy for your progress though. I'm 7 months off a ct and horrible....thanks for giving hope.

[[Co...]]

That's great...so glad for you. The part that got me the most was your tears when seeing your son. I went to hug my son today and still so disassociated. I cried anyway...feeling such a disconnect...I miss my family so much in this...This is the most cruel of tortures...Happy for your progress though. I'm 7 months off a ct and horrible....thanks for giving hope.

 

You're right behind me, HTC.  I hope you see some relief soon.  Last week was the first bit of a breather that I've had, and it really reinforced how awesome it will feel to recover from this.  Yeah... that moment with my son... I felt very present and connected and flooded with the thought, "I've missed you!!"  Kind of reinforced how really messed up our brains are right now, but also a good reminder of how it will be to feel well all the time. 

 

Practicing acceptance has become my saving grace.  I know you can do this. 

[Guest [ha...]]

Thank you; I don't know though...I'm suffering and struggling so bad right now...I've never known such torture...have had an uptick in anxiety/crazy out of head feelings...I pray I won't go seeking help where there is none...

[[Fa...]]

Congratulations CH for reaching the tipping point where your progress is visible and measurable.

You are a very strong, positive and dilligent person. I'm sure that the upcoming months we'll bring you even more measurable improvements. This journey will not take any longer...Thanks a lot for sharing this inspirational post.

[[Co...]]

I hope so, FS.  I'm trying to practice acceptance, as I don't have much fight left in me.  Even though I have a long way to go (and am having a tough day today), I feel obliged to try to be positive for those who will follow us.  I've no doubt we'll all heal completely, and I do hope it's soon.  No one should suffer like this. 

[[Su...]]

What a great post--- thank you for your honest and triumphant times.... And I know it's not over..

SS

[[Co...]]

What a great post--- thank you for your honest and triumphant times.... And I know it's not over..

SS

 

  If the 80% window that I had were as good as it gets, I'd take it.  The thought of how much better everything will be when we're healed feels miraculous. 

[[Kl...]]

So glad you are starting to see the improvement finally! Enjoy the good times and know they will get better!

[[Co...]]

So glad you are starting to see the improvement finally! Enjoy the good times and know they will get better!

 

:thumbsup: I'm getting there, Klungo!  The other really cool thing is that time is starting to pass more normally.  Month 8 didn't seem to last an eternity like the earlier months.  Can't wait until I'm where you are now! 

[[lo...]]

Hey ComingHome,

This is so wonderful to read!!! 70% is great and I love that time has begun to pass more quickly for you! Time has sped up for me too and I feel like that improvement alone provides a great deal of hope and promise that full healing will find us. I'm sorry yesterday was a bad day, I pray that another (many) 4 days windows are upon you! Maybe next time it will be 90%. So inspirational, thank you for sharing!!!

:smitten:

Love

[[Kl...]]

So glad you are starting to see the improvement finally! Enjoy the good times and know they will get better!

 

:thumbsup: I'm getting there, Klungo!  The other really cool thing is that time is starting to pass more normally.  Month 8 didn't seem to last an eternity like the earlier months.  Can't wait until I'm where you are now!

 

Time passing quickly helps so much. I was thinking that it's been 3 weeks since I was seeing a concert in Vegas. I can also see that 6 weeks ago I was at a cabin and didn't feel even close to where I am now in spite of having a 24 hr window. If things continue to improve that much in the next 4-6 weeks then I'll be very happy! Not to say it's easy, but it's MUCH easier than it was.

 

I'm getting more and more time feeling normal and good. Still having some bad waves, mostly in the early morning, with muscle pain and surges still. It's very up and down though. During the day I've been having waves that are 15-30 min long now, occasionally an hour, I am hoping that means I'm on the last run of this. However this is the 3rd good day in a row now after a couple horrible days earlier this week. 20 days til I hit a year.

 

 

 

[[Co...]]

Sorry you had a recent wave, but otherwise that is just super news.  I remember your trip to the cabin - I can't believe it was six weeks ago!  It did pass quickly - I'm not feeling much better than I was then, except for having that window last week.  I'm wondering if I'll shift into a window/wave pattern now...?  I guess time will tell. 

 

12 months is such a huge milestone!  I know you never thought this would last that long - neither did I!  And if I knew it could last this long, I'd never have believed I could survive it.  On the one hand, I feel like there's no way I can be as healed as you are in just four more months, but then if I think back to where I was four months ago.... I was just barely out of acute, and the really bad, nightmarish stuff was just starting to let up. 

 

[[Kl...]]

Sorry you had a recent wave, but otherwise that is just super news.  I remember your trip to the cabin - I can't believe it was six weeks ago!  It did pass quickly - I'm not feeling much better than I was then, except for having that window last week.  I'm wondering if I'll shift into a window/wave pattern now...?  I guess time will tell. 

 

12 months is such a huge milestone!  I know you never thought this would last that long - neither did I!  And if I knew it could last this long, I'd never have believed I could survive it.  On the one hand, I feel like there's no way I can be as healed as you are in just four more months, but then if I think back to where I was four months ago.... I was just barely out of acute, and the really bad, nightmarish stuff was just starting to let up.

 

You're right I can't believe I'm still dealing with this. Months 9-12 have not been a cake walk but I had a lot more windows and yes a huge difference from 3 months ago. Even a few weeks

back I couldn't see it happening but it is now.

 

In spite of the waves I'm feeling close to 90+% when not having a wave now. I feel like I'm seeing improvement every few days or less now. Staying patient and positive is tougher at this point I think because you taste recovery and every wave feels like it's worse because of that even though it's usually not.

[[Ca...]]

Congratulations ComingHome,so wonderful to read!

It's just amazing! Im so glad you're starting to see improvements, Hold on it will get even better,you have came really far now!

Thank you so much for your update 

[[Co...]]

Hey ComingHome,

This is so wonderful to read!!! 70% is great and I love that time has begun to pass more quickly for you! Time has sped up for me too and I feel like that improvement alone provides a great deal of hope and promise that full healing will find us. I'm sorry yesterday was a bad day, I pray that another (many) 4 days windows are upon you! Maybe next time it will be 90%. So inspirational, thank you for sharing!!!

:smitten:

Love

 

Hey LoveWins,

Thanks - how are you? 

[[Co...]]

Congratulations ComingHome,so wonderful to read!

It's just amazing! Im so glad you're starting to see improvements, Hold on it will get even better,you have came really far now!

Thank you so much for your update 

 

thank you, Camela.  I hope you're getting there too - you and I shared so many of the same sxs in the early days. 

[[Pi...]]

Hello Cominghome,

My heart is full of joy that you are feeling better and continue to feel improvements. Your post have given me more hope that in time, I will also heal and recover. Although I only took Ativan for a short time, I cold turkeyed at least twice and possibly kindled?

 

Sending you much love and heartfelt prayers for continuous healing and complete recovery. I

appreciate it so much for keeping us posted on your progress.

 

Pi

[[Co...]]

Hello Cominghome,

My heart is full of joy that you are feeling better and continue to feel improvements. Your post have given me more hope that in time, I will also heal and recover. Although I only took Ativan for a short time, I cold turkeyed at least twice and possibly kindled?

 

Sending you much love and heartfelt prayers for continuous healing and complete recovery. I

appreciate it so much for keeping us posted on your progress.

 

Pi

 

Pi, I'm glad this has given you some hope.  I think I had kindled as well.  Last summer I quit taking K for about three months, with no wd symptoms.  I had no idea what K was or what it was capable of doing... if I'd only known.  It really breaks my heart for all of us, how quickly a casual decision can nearly destroy our lives. 

 

You're just barely behind me.  I'm no longer in a window, but I know my baseline is better and stronger.  I have absolutely no doubt that we'll all heal.  I wish you well, and a speedy healing.  Sending you prayers as well.

 

CH 

[[te...]]

Hi ComingHome! Congrats on reaching 8 months! So glad you are seeing real improvements. It helps so much to keep going when we see progress in the right direction. Hope it keeps getting better for you 

[[in...]]

congratulations ComingHome! ❤️

 

 

[[So...]]

Congrats Coming Home! Sounds very encouraging!  I am 8 months off tomorrow and anxiety is a tiny bit less but the depression is moving in.  Hang in there - you are doing great!

 

[[Co...]]

Hi ComingHome! Congrats on reaching 8 months! So glad you are seeing real improvements. It helps so much to keep going when we see progress in the right direction. Hope it keeps getting better for you 

 

Hey there, Tee!  How are you?

[[Co...]]

Thanks very much, Intrepide!  I hope all is well for you.

 

Hey Soulman - how's everything?  I'm still rooting for you.

 

Rooting for all of us.  Has been a long weekend - holiday weekends are tough. 

[[te...]]

Hi ComingHome! Congrats on reaching 8 months! So glad you are seeing real improvements. It helps so much to keep going when we see progress in the right direction. Hope it keeps getting better for you 

 

Hey there, Tee!  How are you?

 

I'm doing a lot better, but still not 100%. Still having issues with my sleep and muscle tightness/pain and head pressure (albeit mild). Waiting patiently for complete healing to arrive.