Benzos and Synesthesia Loss

[Guest [Le...]]

I'm curious how many others have synesthesia, but lost it during withdrawal. It's always been one of my primary tools in my job as a database architect. I lost it for two years and suddenly had to do my work the hard way, like everybody else. It gave me great admiration for people who can do this job without the benefit of the synesthesia cheat-sheet, since it's infinitely harder that way.

 

The synesthesia just came back about a month ago, along with good sleep and great dreams.

 

  Synesthesia Article

 

[[Lo...]]

Good article. All I know is that the ativan basically did a:

 

TRUNCATE TABLE My_Database_Programming_Skills;

 

out of my head for now. Well, maybe it's not an exact TRUNCATE TABLE. The knowledge is kind of there, but is so muddled under the big cloud of fog. Gotta find those indexes to that knowledge. They seem to be there, somewhere. You'd think it would be there after working on this stuff for 17 years

[[Lo...]]

I keep wondering if all the color coding & syntax highlighting and IntelliSense and auto completion in MS programming & database tools have helped me compensate for a long time, until the panic and anxiety reached an intolerable level, so focusing became really, really difficult

 

Many years ago I used to prefer when IDE's didn't have all these fancy helpers, because it forced me to memorize things and keep my mind agile.

[Guest [Le...]]

I keep wondering if all the color coding & syntax highlighting and IntelliSense and auto completion in MS programming & database tools have helped me compensate for a long time, until the panic and anxiety reached an intolerable level, so focusing became really, really difficult

 

Many years ago I used to prefer when IDE's didn't have all these fancy helpers, because it forced me to memorize things and keep my mind agile.

 

That's an interesting though, LF - I'm working in SQL Server, and even though the colors 'don't match' my own conceptual colors, I'm very please that they are there.

 

I would find it very difficult to write, and then re-read, hundreds of thousands of line of SQL without them.

[[Lo...]]

I keep wondering if all the color coding & syntax highlighting and IntelliSense and auto completion in MS programming & database tools have helped me compensate for a long time, until the panic and anxiety reached an intolerable level, so focusing became really, really difficult

 

Many years ago I used to prefer when IDE's didn't have all these fancy helpers, because it forced me to memorize things and keep my mind agile.

 

That's an interesting though, LF - I'm working in SQL Server, and even though the colors 'don't match' my own conceptual colors, I'm very please that they are there.

 

I would find it very difficult to write, and then re-read, hundreds of thousands of line of SQL without them.

 

I can relate. The lost art of commenting like this:

 

/*

  Comment 1

  Comment 2

*/

 

and writing nice, clear, concise user functions and stored procs has been replaced with

 

-- Comment 1

-- Comment 2

-- fefjpofjopfpjpo

---fdp'fd'pfodfjff

 

SET @NewProc = 'a thousand mile long dynamic SQL creating a super long stored procedure with no end in site'

sp_Execute @NewProc, @param, @output

 

I realize the necessity for it in the world of multiple databases and servers but still 

[[Te...]]

Leslie, when did you feel this gift start to go away? And do you feel almost completely healed now? It seems to me that the spiritual or gifts that we receive don't come back until we're near healed. I hope I'm wrong, but that's how I feel it is.

[Guest [Le...]]

Leslie, when did you feel this gift start to go away? And do you feel almost completely healed now? It seems to me that the spiritual or gifts that we receive don't come back until we're near healed. I hope I'm wrong, but that's how I feel it is.

 

Hi Terry! It vanished completely when I was deeply in tolerance WD, and put me in a real mess with work. Even though I was working only from home then (from bed, in fact), I just could not solve data logic problems in my mind anymore. I had to draw little maps, make lists and write in pseudocode, almost like a beginner.

 

It began to improve slowly after I jumped, but somewhere at the one year mark, my brain seemed to shift back into gear, and the visual memory and images returned, at least for complex work projects. It's hard to explain, but it's as though the whole thought machine is suddenly greased, speedy and silent again. Just a smooth, glistening flow of imagery, and no more noise.

 

Any sense of spirituality was on the same schedule - losing that left a black hole in my very soul. I hope never to be in that black state again, OMG.

 

Emotionally, it has been slower - I have to be cautious about letting mental turmoil overcome logical thinking, but I'm still slipping up occasionally, yikes. 

[Guest [...]]

Interesting, Leslie, I'd never heard of it before.  So, all things considered, would you say in general there are more positives to having this phenomenon than there are negatives?

 

You've certainly seem some great signs of healing over the last month, congrats! 

[[Co...]]

What an interesting thread.  I've never experienced much synesthesia, but like you, all of my higher order thought processes went on the fritz during tolerance wd.  I attributed it to age and stress.  I'm only 51 - looking forward to everything going back online.  Especially looking forward to depression lifting. 

[Guest [Le...]]

Interesting, Leslie, I'd never heard of it before.  So, all things considered, would you say in general there are more positives to having this phenomenon than there are negatives?

 

You've certainly seem some great signs of healing over the last month, congrats! 

 

It was torture during school years because it's almost impossible to learn within normal curricula - 'differently wired' people used to get immediately labeled as underachievers. Nowadays there is much greater understanding of these variations, which is great. A lot of us who were thought to be stupid 'losers' ended up in the computer field, where it's possible to be wildly successful - even though communication with some types of co-workers and/or bosses can be fraught, ugh. Hello benzos.

 

So I'd say, my current bully boss notwithstanding, it worked out. 

[Guest [Le...]]

What an interesting thread.  I've never experienced much synesthesia, but like you, all of my higher order thought processes went on the fritz during tolerance wd.  I attributed it to age and stress.  I'm only 51 - looking forward to everything going back online.  Especially looking forward to depression lifting.

 

It'll happen for you, too - I'm 66, and my brain is finally snappy again, at least for complex projects.

 

Emotionally, not so much, but for me that's always been in the deficiency aisle of my brain. 

[[Co...]]

That's encouraging, thanks.  After all this, I think I'll be able to handle "normal" depression, and I'll also be more proactive about using healthier coping skills - exercise, CBT, acupuncture, supplements. 

 

As long as the benzo "craziness" goes away, I'll be a happy camper.  It's the dp/dr, death/aging obsession, Rip van Winkle feeling, total disconnect and dissociation ... those are the issues I'm finding unbearable. 

 

Being able to walk without pain, work without cog fog, and especially to socialize again will alleviate depression too. 

 

Geez, every time I even write about this stuff, I feel like I'm in a living nightmare, and I wonder how I got here... why am I being punished like this..?  I had a bout of mild insomnia 7 years ago and have paid for it ever since. 

 

Sorry, rant over.    I know I'm not being "punished," but geez, this just isn't fair. 

[Guest [Le...]]

That's encouraging, thanks.  After all this, I think I'll be able to handle "normal" depression, and I'll also be more proactive about using healthier coping skills - exercise, CBT, acupuncture, supplements. 

 

As long as the benzo "craziness" goes away, I'll be a happy camper.  It's the dp/dr, death/aging obsession, Rip van Winkle feeling, total disconnect and dissociation ... those are the issues I'm finding unbearable. 

 

Being able to walk without pain, work without cog fog, and especially to socialize again will alleviate depression too. 

 

Geez, every time I even write about this stuff, I feel like I'm in a living nightmare, and I wonder how I got here... why am I being punished like this..?  I had a bout of mild insomnia 7 years ago and have paid for it ever since. 

 

Sorry, rant over.    I know I'm not being "punished," but geez, this just isn't fair.

 

I think your relief from 'the crazies' is just around the corner. The death anxiety/Rip van Winkle thing just vanished for me one day. What a relief - you're almost there too!

[[Te...]]

Leslie, when did you feel this gift start to go away? And do you feel almost completely healed now? It seems to me that the spiritual or gifts that we receive don't come back until we're near healed. I hope I'm wrong, but that's how I feel it is.

 

Hi Terry! It vanished completely when I was deeply in tolerance WD, and put me in a real mess with work. Even though I was working only from home then (from bed, in fact), I just could not solve data logic problems in my mind anymore. I had to draw little maps, make lists and write in pseudocode, almost like a beginner.

 

It began to improve slowly after I jumped, but somewhere at the one year mark, my brain seemed to shift back into gear, and the visual memory and images returned, at least for complex work projects. It's hard to explain, but it's as though the whole thought machine is suddenly greased, speedy and silent again. Just a smooth, glistening flow of imagery, and no more noise.

 

Any sense of spirituality was on the same schedule - losing that left a black hole in my very soul. I hope never to be in that black state again, OMG.

 

Emotionally, it has been slower - I have to be cautious about letting mental turmoil overcome logical thinking, but I'm still slipping up occasionally, yikes. 

 

Thank you for responding!! That is good news about the synesthesia!! I'm always wondering the spiritual gifts of people because I still don't feel the connection I need. It's interesting how some parts of our brains/consciousness return while others lag. But I'm glad to know that you're really on to full healing!! 

[[Co...]]

That's encouraging, thanks.  After all this, I think I'll be able to handle "normal" depression, and I'll also be more proactive about using healthier coping skills - exercise, CBT, acupuncture, supplements. 

 

As long as the benzo "craziness" goes away, I'll be a happy camper.  It's the dp/dr, death/aging obsession, Rip van Winkle feeling, total disconnect and dissociation ... those are the issues I'm finding unbearable. 

 

Being able to walk without pain, work without cog fog, and especially to socialize again will alleviate depression too. 

 

Geez, every time I even write about this stuff, I feel like I'm in a living nightmare, and I wonder how I got here... why am I being punished like this..?  I had a bout of mild insomnia 7 years ago and have paid for it ever since. 

 

Sorry, rant over.    I know I'm not being "punished," but geez, this just isn't fair.

 

I think your relief from 'the crazies' is just around the corner. The death anxiety/Rip van Winkle thing just vanished for me one day. What a relief - you're almost there too!

 

Thank you. 

[[be...]]

Very interesting Leslie. I wish I had it but I don't. The only thing is I can see is numbers in colors easily, while my friends cannot. Following.

[Guest [Le...]]

Very interesting Leslie. I wish I had it but I don't. The only thing is I can see is numbers in colors easily, while my friends cannot. Following.

 

If you see numbers in color, that is one form of synesthesia. A lot of people have different forms of this crossing of the senses, but they don't realize it.

 

It's pretty cool.

[[be...]]

Err, Um, Err that means I don't know myself very well. I'll blame it on the benzos, per usual.

[Guest [Le...]]

Err, Um, Err that means I don't know myself very well. I'll blame it on the benzos, per usual.

 

It's a fun tool - now you're probably going to notice it more, in a good way.

[[be...]]

Yes I am getting it now. I recall (I was too out of it before) that I always attach numbers to colors. I was just making eggplant Parm, and I said to myself, this is #5 for me. I always equated #5 with bright red colors. (lots of pasta sauce) Oh BTW I wish I was a smart as you with that job. I'm just a boring writer. Blah. But I hope to make some money on a book I am currently trying to write.

[[Yo...]]

Very interesting! And very glad to hear you're on the mend and getting your old self back, Leslie!

 

I don't know anything about synesthesia, but if I may share, have something called pareidolia, where I see faces all the time in objects. Almost every time I look at my quilt, I'll see bumps and shadows forming a face.

 

I read about a Disney animator who could "see a face in anything", and it was a real asset for him when designing characters. I've been drawing since I was a kid, and I'd often sketch the faces I saw. It's a neat "skill" to have. But I'd always be asking people, "you can't see the face? Look. Here's the eyes, the nose, ...."  lol

 

 

 

[Guest [Le...]]

Whoa, I didn't know that had a name!

 

I'm always snapping pics of things because there are faces EVERYWHERE. Not just humans either - lots of cute animal faces, too.

 

Here's one of my favorites, which is from a slab of marble by an elevator.

 

It's a two-fer - a cool eye, of course, but the iris is like a set of monster-y upper teeth, and the pupil has the profile of a T-Rex or Godzilla. 

 

 

You should see the tile of my bathroom floor. So many faces it's just exhausting.

 

 

[[be...]]

I've read countless numbers of threads, and I find this the most interesting of all. I'm now getting this back in rushes. For example I can remember my great grandmother's phone #. I always equated it with colors. I was just 6 when she changed it. The colors agreed with me. Nobody in my family even remotely remembers it. On the flip side,  I don't like color sequence on my own landline and I use it several times a day. I had to tape the # on the back of the phone and when ppl ask me what it is I have to look at it. After nine months! Also my brother is a very gifted painter. Yet he likes to use black and white. While everybody loves his work, I have to look away from it. I have been doing this subconsciously over the years w/o even realizing it. That's because he paints in black and white and I cannot stand that combo. It reminds me of numbers 1 and 9 and I never did like those numbers. This is becoming too weird...........

[[Yo...]]

Whoa, I didn't know that had a name!

 

I'm always snapping pics of things because there are faces EVERYWHERE. Not just humans either - lots of cute animal faces, too.

 

Here's one of my favorites, which is from a slab of marble by an elevator.

 

It's a two-fer - a cool eye, of course, but the iris is like a set of monster-y upper teeth, and the pupil has the profile of a T-Rex or Godzilla. 

 

 

You should see the tile of my bathroom floor. So many faces it's just exhausting.

 

Cool pic. In the white of the eye I also see a happy corpulent character with a hand on its generous hip, and dainty feet!

[Guest [Le...]]

I've read countless numbers of threads, and I find this the most interesting of all. I'm now getting this back in rushes. For example I can remember my great grandmother's phone #. I always equated it with colors. I was just 6 when she changed it. The colors agreed with me. Nobody in my family even remotely remembers it. On the flip side,  I don't like color sequence on my own landline and I use it several times a day. I had to tape the # on the back of the phone and when ppl ask me what it is I have to look at it. After nine months! Also my brother is a very gifted painter. Yet he likes to use black and white. While everybody loves his work, I have to look away from it. I have been doing this subconsciously over the years w/o even realizing it. That's because he paints in black and white and I cannot stand that combo. It reminds me of numbers 1 and 9 and I never did like those numbers. This is becoming too weird...........

 

You might want to read Born on a Blue Day, by Daniel Tammet.

 

He sees everything in colors and shapes, and can do unbelievable calculations in his head. He was also able to recite Pi out to the 22,524th decimal place, which took him five hours or so. That was rote memorization however, not a calculation.

 

Daniel Tammet - Autistic Savant (Wikipedia)