Finally! I can't believe I can post here!

[[Se...]]

During the darkest days of withdrawal, reading success stories just to hold on, I fantasized of the day I could honestly say Klonopin was in my past for good.  That day has finally come.  My ultimate success came following self-admission to rehab, a dangerously quick detox (jumped off following a one-week Librium taper), resulting in my first tonic clonic seizure, and the discovery of my rock bottom.

 

Ill limit my post to the success part of my story, but for context, I struggled with Klonopin dependence for 4 years following the prescription I received for military ptsd/anxiety when I got out of the service.  After realizing I was addicted, I was hospitalized for multiple panic attacks, tried to get off quickly, ended up reinstated 90 days later, tapered myself down 75% of the way, ended up drinking far too much to try to counteract withdrawal, lost nearly everything...you know, same old story.

 

Benzo withdrawal is hell on earth, something I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I've experienced the worst of it.  It's impossible to truly express how intensely painful it can be, but when heroin addicts feel bad for you, you know you're in a bad place.  I went literal weeks without sleeping--at one point I was so delirious I had marked synesthesia  (hearing colors).  I fantasized about getting hit by a frying plan just to get a break from the nighmare.

 

In the end, although rehab is a horrible place to undergo benzo withdrawal, and the care I received was dangerous, ultimately the pharmaceutical support I reviewed made the process bearable.  During the first week, nothing they gave me helped, just like when I tried to do it alone.  Any non-narcotic sleep aid or anxiety med was like throwing a pail of water at the sun.  To my pleasant surprise, however, eventually it was, for the fist time, treatable.

 

Gabapentin helped with the anxiety.  Seroquel, trazodone, doxepine, and melatonin combined were strong enough to acually give me the sleep I needed to stay course.  I've been clean from alcohol and benzos for 100+ days now, and I know for certain I'll never again have to go through the terrifying and dangerous realities of benzo withdrawal.

 

Although I'm not 100% by any measure, I'm infinitely better than I have been since this evil substance took hold of my life.  To anyone experiencing the throws of a hard detox, know that it is possible, even if it doesn't seem like it.  The one thing I would advise people is this:  be honest with yourself.  I prolonged my misery indefinitely by trying to pretend it wasn't a REAL addiction.  It was just a pill.  The truth is that my addiction was every bit as crippling as a heroin or crack addiction.  Beating Klonopin was the hardest fight of my life.  It's a life-threatening condition that should be treated as such. 

[[wa...]]

Thank you, Thank you for your story.  I always wonder about the poor fellows who are in the service (or were) who come out of trauma, only to eventually face another trauma of benzo w/d.  I hope you consider helping other vets.  It is tragic how they are prescribed so much.  WBB

[[Fa...]]

Seanoficeandfire,

Thank you for writing this wonderful story! It is so touching and full of hope. Congratulations!

I really hope you will stay around this community as much as your new life allows.

 

I was wondering whether you have any lingering sxs. How is your sleep now?

 

You deserve a life of peace and happiness.

Fallingstar

[[Wi...]]

I truly dont intend to be the downer on this post but do you think it is only a window you are experiencing? 3.5 months is exceedingly quick to be healed of benzo wd. You may be setting yourself up for a huge letdown given by your dose and time of use its usually 2years before someone similar posts any semblance of a success story. Yet you may be one of the very rare ones who actually healed much quicker then everybody else. I hope so!

[[Ch...]]

Congrats, Sean! 

[[ma...]]

Congratulations Sean

 

Thank you for posting your story, I am sure it will help and inspire our members.  I hope you continue to get better and better.

 

Well done on being alcohol free as well, I know how tough that is!  Stay positive, take it a day at a time.

 

Magrita

[[Pi...]]

Congratulations Sean! Very inspiring story of healing.

 

Sending you much love and heartfelt prayers that you continue to get better and better.

 

Pi

[[Se...]]

Thank you all for the support.  With regard to the post about the 3.5 months, you're right.  I don't know why I feel so functional this time around so early, but I won't complain.  I tried a few times to quit, and the last time after 90 days I was still in a perpetual state of panic.

 

I don't know if it's the meds I took or the environment I was in (rehab in Florida), but I feel infinitely better this time around.  Don't get me wrong, there are still some pretty bothersome sxs, but they just don't compare to last time which is why I'm declaring victory over klonopin.  It's no longer so bad that I'd give up and get reinstated, so I know that, even if it'll take some time to heal fully, I've taken my last benzo, and that's a beautiful thing.

 

As far as persisting sx, I am still taking meds they gave me down there.  I'd probably still have wicked insomnia, but they ad me on quetiapine (now trazodone) which somehow put me to sleep during the 2nd week.  The sx from seroquel (quetiapine) are pretty bad though, so I'm trying to switch to trazodone.  Also, I think gabapentin is helping with my anxiety.  Although I don't want to take any meds, anything that helps me get off benzos is worth it.  It's hard to quantify average levels for sx, as you don't really know what 10/10 anxiety is if you've only experienced 7/10, but I'm guessing my insomnia and anxiety were anyone's 10/10.  I was perpetually living a nightmare and didn't sleep for weeks (literally 7 full days once where, at the end, I was hallucinating...I could hear colors, smell sounds). 

 

Currently I'd say my most prevalent symptoms are anxiety and depression, both of which have gotten better week to week and are at a manageable level. 

 

As far as other vets go...yes, I have thought the same.  If they were that quick to hand me a drug addiction, I'm not the only one.  If they don't get you with opiates, they use benzos.  In all the time I've fought to recover (much longer than 3.5 months...that's just this attempt at jumping) I've known if I ever beat it, I need to help others do the same.  Maybe it was exceptionally hard for me, but it was the hardest thing I've ever done and Ive been in charge of entire nuclear plants above and below water.  It was so hard I didn't know if I'd survive it...and almost didn't.  I don't know how best to do that (for now I'm responding to people who post "PLEASE HE LP" because that's a sentiment synonymous with benzo withdrawal). The problem is that vets don't usually like asking for help, and benzo withdrawal makes you feel weak.  I suspect there are a ton of vets out there who can't get off benzos because they refuse to be weakened to that point.  What makes it worse is that vets often have a lot of horrible memories that will play like highlight reels during acute withdrawal, making it even more painful.  I hope one day I can help in a bigger way, but for now I'll do what I can when I can.

[[...]]

Great job getting off of the benzos and thank you for your service!  I know what you mean about military doctors handing out benzos like candy, it should be illegal to do that.  I want to be an advocate for our military members once I'm healed as well.  Good luck and keep pressing on...a better happier life awaits us!  🙏🏼

[[...]]

wow so awesome for you!!

 

XOX

[[ar...]]

Thank you for your service.  You're one tough SOB and a hero.  Better days ahead for you.

[[ml...]]

Great job getting off of the benzos and thank you for your service!  I know what you mean about military doctors handing out benzos like candy, it should be illegal to do that.  I want to be an advocate for our military members once I'm healed as well.  Good luck and keep pressing on...a better happier life awaits us!  🙏🏼

 

Awesome friend...I LOVE this! Now theres a plan! 

[[ml...]]

Wow Sean...Tears just welled up and my heart hurt as I read your posts. First of all, THANK YOU for the service to our country, you literally have offered your life in so many ways here and on so many levels. Thank you. 

Your story is incredible and it never ceases to amaze me how benzo WD can reduce the toughest person alive, to a mere shell of anything remotely human, crying out in sheer torture and agony for any relief to live and survive it. It's unspeakable really.

I CT 2 1/2 years ago and it was as you say, the hardest thing I have ever done, EVER and I'm no wimp! It changes you and I don't think those of us that recover are ever quite the same after such an encounter with such inhumane fear, among so many other things. But we do heal and regain our lives. Thank God.

 

I pray blessings for you and the courage, resolve and strength to see this ALL THE WAY thru. Keep going, you have over 3 months out now and please don't give up. Every week and every month racked up will count in the long run. You got this and you will NEVER have to relive those early days again. It takes so much time to really get well, so don't be surprised and it sounds like you get that, if some hard days do come. Good days will also follow! 

 

Blessings and complete restoration for your life sean. 

[[ml...]]

Thank you for your service.  You're one tough SOB and a hero.  Better days ahead for you.

 

 

No kidding!

[[Jm...]]

I'm sorry to tell you this but the gabapentine is the only reason your feeling healed, before I ever touched Benzos I took gabapentine for 2 years, it eventually gave Me all the symptoms of benzo wd. I actually started taking Benzos to help with my gabapentine withdrawal. Having experienced both I can say the withdrawals are identical, I'm no MD but they both effect your gaba receptors. Best of luck

[[ja...]]

Congratulations and keep looking forward!!!!

 

Love jackie :smitten: