Really grateful to have found out what is wrong with me!!!

[[Ra...]]

Hi Guys

32 years old, male, 8 years on 2mg clonazepam at night, prescribed for insomnia. Of course, when I did not take it, I could not sleep; hence I thought I needed it all that time. I managed to wean myself off over about 2 years, I had no idea of the negative impacts of the benzos, and only assumed that I needed to get off as I did not want to be so heavily reliant on medication. I never did any great investigatory work into benzos, I always just assumed they were ‘fine’, because they were so commonly prescribed. I suppose this is a great irony, because I am a successful scientist by day, and it’s my job to constantly interrogate and analyse information. Perhaps there was some subconscious side of me that knew that the benzos were actually a serious problem, but I wanted to keep my head in the sand and maintain the status quo. Further irony was that the status quo was actually not anything great at all. I have not taken therapeutic doses of benzo for so long now, that I realise that I was in a constant state of withdrawal over a number of years, unknowingly. When I seriously started to drop my dose, the first thing I remember was rage. Intense rage and anger, much of it directed at my poor wife. We did not know what was going on, where all this rage was coming from. I spent years in psychology trying to find the root, an absent father, an abusive mother etc…. I did all that work over a long period which I am glad about, but was getting nowhere, I still just felt so anxious, tight neck and jaw, unable to experience joy.  For a number of years, I would see my psychiatrist, with new issues, low mood, anger, anxiety and we would tinker around with antidepressants, a whole load of different kinds, none of them worked. Determined to get off benzos (I still did not really know why), I managed to taper off in April 2017, when I took my last dose. In hindsight I look back at the taper, and it was the most difficult period of my life for about 6 months, I just had no idea why. My symptoms were unbelievably sore neck, wired jaw, disconnection (it felt like I was watching my own body in the world, but my mind wasn’t driving), low mood, no joy, heavily intrusive thoughts and intense panic attacks. The panic was life changing. It came to rule me, I was having panic attacks in every context. I look back on that period and am very proud of myself, even when all of this was happening, I fought through everything, I never backed down and even though I was desperately afraid to leave the house over a 3 month period, I always did, no matter the level of fear. The intrusive thoughts were really intense too. I became obsessed that I must have a serious mental illness, that I was very sick physically, that I was a really bad person for thinking the range of lewd sexual things that I did whenever I would see or talk to someone. I really did think that I was losing it, ‘for real this time’. I only came across this website a week ago and was able to confirm my diagnosis as a person struggling with benzo withdrawal. Devastating that I had complacently shoved 8 years of poison into my body, granted, but wow, what a relief to finally understand what was going on with me!! I am astounded at the similarity of symptoms suffered, utterly astounded. All my bizarre symptoms, down to a tee, even the content of the weird intrusive thoughts, all experienced and shared by so many of you. Devastating yes, but much more than that, utterly liberating. To have something to work toward, to have a goal, and to have reassurance that others have healed, that others have got better and survived the ordeal, makes it seem possible for me too. So this is my first post, hopefully there will be more. I’m about 3 months off clonazapam, and taking each day at a time, I suspect I still have a way to go, but there is a big fat burning flame of hope.

Love and best wishes to all of you. I suspect that all of you are some of the most lovely and resilient people in the world, keep strong, let’s go get this thing!!

 

[Guest [Le...]]

Hello, Ray - welcome to BenzoBuddies, and congratulations on being benzo-free!

 

It's great that you found your way off - so many of us get lost in getting one treatment piled on top of another, when the benzos are often the root of the whole nightmare. It really is liberating to have experienced this, despite the torture involved in coming to the understanding that this was what actually happened, followed by actual withdrawal and recovery. At the end of it, I believe most of us become great at handling stress. 

 

I'm so glad you decided to join the forum - you'll find plenty of information and support here. Our members have gone through all aspects of benzodiazepine use and withdrawal, so you'll be able to connect with others who understand what you're going through and can tell you what has worked for them.

Based on the information provided in your introduction, the following link may be a good starting place for you to post your questions.

 

  Post-withdrawal Recovery Support

 

When you have a chance, I recommend that you take a look at The Ashton Manual, which is an authoritative resource on what to expect during withdrawal and recovery. It provides a great deal of information that can be very reassuring during any stage of this process, including a list of common symptoms with helpful explanations.

 

Please take the time to Create a Signature. This will allow members to see where you are in the process, so that they can better support you.

 

Looking forward to seeing you on the forum!

  Leslie 

[[Re...]]

Glad you found benzobuddies! This site has saved my sanity and my life. The amount of information and support is amazing. Welcome.

[[So...]]

Hi Raystone , first of all congrats on being benzo free . These are really poison . But the final point is that , you will heal . I'm also in my 6th months withdrawal from lonazep(clonazepum) and suffering tremendously . The physical symptoms bothered me for last 6 months though it has started to fading now . The psychological symptoms are devastating as of now . Constant fear of losing mind , lack of concentration , Dr dp etc . But believe in God , we will heal .  But in this time , please take care of your health .

[[Ni...]]

Excellent first post & first class observations. You've got this!

[[Ca...]]

Wow! So enmeshed by the medical community at such a young age...Perhaps as a member of the scientific community, much of which seems to believe in the efficacy and essentially benign nature of these drugs, you can act as advocate for those of us who have been so tricked and crippled by them. This is a great forum; a place to come for any and all questions and requests for help and support. Welcome!

[[2t...]]

Hi and glad you found bb and were able to get off of benzos.

I notice you say you are a scientist and as such you should have researched further prior to starting on benzos, this is a familiar theme and one I myself had a hard time coming to terms with.

In reality most people are started on benzos for a traumatic reason, yours was lack of sleep, mine was a medical diagnosis and at that moment in time we are not really thinking straight and the first time we put a pill in our mouth and either calm down or drop off to sleep is the beginning of the end.

 

wishing you a quick healing time

 

2trusting