Small victories

[[Br...]]

I have not touched Ativan since August 9th, and considering my healing has been complicated by what I found out was a hyperthyroid state, I'm pretty proud of myself for not going back to it so far.

 

With that said, I think I have more of a psychological dependence on Ativan than an actual physical dependence.  The panic attacks I have had this month have generally been closer to the times my beta blocker (for tachycardia) wears off or just having to do with being hyperthyroid (although I think that may be easing off a bit, but we will see.)

 

Anyway...I HAD to get my hair cut today.  The ends were nasty, but I am an introvert, and going to the hair salon gives me panic.  I usually take an Ativan before I go, and the couple of times I tried to go without an Ativan, I ended up slipping one under my tongue in the middle of things.

 

So I got myself to the hair salon...NO Ativan.  NO backup Ativan.  I just made sure I had taken my beta blocker on time so that my heart wouldn't race too much.  I felt the anxiety just walking in. 

 

I got in the chair and started to feel even more anxiety.  Then as I went to get my hair washed, that yucky warm sensation flooded me and my chest tightened and I was like...oh man...I gotta tell this lady that I feel sick and I gotta go....I gotta get out of here...I can't do this...

 

And then I told myself that if I did that, I would just have to go BACK another day and get my hair done, because it HAD to be cut.  I reminded myself I wasn't even gonna get a blow dry.  This was gonna take 15 minutes.  So I closed my eyes and tried to just breathe and force myself to relax.  The girl tried to be chatty but I answered her questions with one word short answers.  Haha.  (Sorry, ma'am...introvert, here.). And plus, talking really escalates my panic FAST, in any situation.  I felt that my beta blocker was working and my heart wasn't really racing, more just pounding...so I reminded myself my heart was healthy...everything was okay....

 

I got back to the chair and then just closed my eyes and let her cut, reminding myself it would be over soon.  But then after about 10 minutes the borderline panic seemed to ease some, and I was able to interact enough to answer her questions about how short my hair should be, etc.  Got out of there and PHEW!!!!  I made it!  Just a quick wash and cut, no blow dry or style, but I made it without ativan.

 

Small victories.

[[Ni...]]

Bravo!  

[[Gr...]]

I am so proud of you.  That is amazing.  What a wonderful job you have done at overcoming what could have been a complete panic.  You really did it.  :thumbsup: