11 months out...

[[mi...]]

I wrote this in Oct 2016 less than a month after I went clean.....I'm so glad I wouldn't write this today. I'm still healing and wounded but it helps me to look at how intense that period was. Some perspective for me.....maybe you

 

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this feeling or lack of feeling comes over me

the wobbly feet, unsure eyes

ears ringing like a loud parade

this stupid heart beating me to death

like an angry fist trying to poke at me

straight up wide eyed

all night long

i think I'll grab a beer and turn the light on for a second

find the remote and in they come

suddenly I'm not so worried

the mysteries of the galaxy

relieve me and confuse me

but it's just TV

its on and I'm on

never sleeping properly again or so I think

with a wounded brain trying to heal in all this electricity

nerves twitch

light that is not there - flashes quick

and on and on

this heartbeat rages

and keeps trying to temp me....

[[Be...]]

How much would you say now that you are healed? My first 2 months were hellish as well.

[[mi...]]

I'm not sure.  A reboot/reset has taken place so it almost feels like I'm not playing with the same hand I started out playing.  It's almost like this entire ordeal has made me see myself slightly differently. Still trying to make sense of it.

[[mi...]]

what if you woke up and thought, 'I'm not smart, attractive, funny, understanding and there is no reason for anyone to want to know me and due to this situation some of our people don't really want to know us anymore. This is our reality and it's a mf'er to overcome.