So disappointed in myself

[[Tw...]]

I'm just so disappointed in myself. I had college setup to begin this Tuesday and I'm just in no condition to go to school or even taper further. I have to hold and regain stability. I was doing pretty good and hoped I would be better than I am currently when I signed up for school. I made it through one week class  and just  cant handle it. My friends and family all knew I was going back to school and now yet again I've crashed. Fuck me for trying to push through this mess. God damn medicine won. All I want is a fair shot at life. I'm intelligent and driven but my body is holding me back and that's so sad. I can't beat myself up but why now! I was doing so good but I can't handle the stress or it caused me to feel worse...IDK but I'm fucking over it. This isn't fair to any of us. I'd do anything to have this nightmare end. I'm in a low spot and I don't know how to proceed. Why? FUCK YOU Mr psychiatrist who put me on this shit for 11 years now. Its safe...some people take it forever....lies

[[Ki...]]

Wow, I totally feel your pain. This is so hard for all of us. I have an idea!  Can you get the textbook for class and study at your own pace, then breeze through it next semester? It might give you a much needed feeling of accomplishment through all you're going through, and if you're feeling better next semester you could possibly take two classes, already having studied one!  That way you could have a leg up and not be defeated by this monster. I know what you mean about the doctors and their lies. I was lied to as well and lost everything, even my most precious relationships. 

[[...]]

I'm so sorry for your pain! I can so relate! Sending my love and support!❤️

[[Ca...]]

A possible solution...

 

Updose...

 

Get stable...

 

Taper slowly, by SX... -holding as nee...

 

[[be...]]

I agree with the idea of updosing and stabalizing.  We all want just to be off but the brain has to recooperate however you do it.  get stable and then do a very slow titration that you DON"T FEEL hardly at all.  You have come a long way!

[[Lo...]]

I don't know. With the valium updose, the depression may get even worse, and you seem very depressed as is. I'd probably just hold where I was and keep the stressors at minimum, if at all possible.

 

Yes, doing some self-schooling may actually be a good idea. Basically studying at your own pace with those textbooks.

 

I remember what I did in my college years once, and that was reading a couple of chapters out of a couple of textbooks for the more difficult classes in the summer, so when I went to those classes in the fall, I already knew a few things.

[[Tw...]]

I do have the textbooks and could do exactly what you recommended. Not a bad idea, thank you. I have been tapering at a relatively slow pace of 1mg a month and up till this past month I'd say I had been doing ok. Working a physical job, surfing often, somewhat social. This last month I thought I might've been going through a wave but now I guess my taper rate will have to change. You have to remember I have pressure from myself and doctors to be off these meds. It just caught up with me and now I obviously see I cannot CURRENTLY handle the stressors of college. I thought it would be a healthy distraction but my timing was clearly off. I'm trying to progress while my body physically is holding me back and that is just utterly frustrating. I don't have the option to lay in bed all day or taper at a snails pace or collect disability, so this a big deal. I need to forgive myself, breathe through this day, stabilize more so by holding and find a new job that is less stressful. I have to remember I'm only 30 and I can still finish college one day in the future. I've come very far and I need to give myself credit instead of tearing myself down. Thank you friends for caring for a stranger and his problems. I hope I can pay it forward one day to you all.

[[Es...]]

I'm just so disappointed in myself. I had college setup to begin this Tuesday and I'm just in no condition to go to school or even taper further. I have to hold and regain stability. I was doing pretty good and hoped I would be better than I am currently when I signed up for school. I made it through one week class  and just  cant handle it. My friends and family all knew I was going back to school and now yet again I've crashed. Fuck me for trying to push through this mess. God damn medicine won. All I want is a fair shot at life. I'm intelligent and driven but my body is holding me back and that's so sad. I can't beat myself up but why now! I was doing so good but I can't handle the stress or it caused me to feel worse...IDK but I'm fucking over it. This isn't fair to any of us. I'd do anything to have this nightmare end. I'm in a low spot and I don't know how to proceed. Why? FUCK YOU Mr psychiatrist who put me on this shit for 11 years now. Its safe...some people take it forever....lies

 

C'mon, is a diabetic disappointed in themselves for being sick? Let go of these expectations to be a perfect human being. No one is perfect.

 

Have you heard of the book "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Embrace Who you Are" by Brene Brown, Ph.D. It's available as an audiobook to listen on your mobile. Amazon's Audible.

 

I'm not a big fan of avoidance. You need to find a golden mean, IMO. I practiced avoidance during high school. Only to start benzos when I went to the uni. You may need to either hold or reinstate.

 

The other option is taking a year's break and going to some inpatient/outpatient addiction program. No guarantee you won't go back to benzos after that. I used to be 11 yrs off benzos after I hit rock bottom and was close to death. I used to work full-time during those 11 yrs and my life was bearable. Sometimes happy.

 

But I'm unfortunate enough to have dual diagnosis. I was unlucky to forget after 11 yrs how benzos had screwed up my life beforehand.

 

At the beginning, I had graduated from two faculties and worked for a couple of years. On benzos. Then I fell apart. I graduated from the third faculty when I tapered benzos to 0.

 

Yes, some ppl can stay on benzos and remain functional for yrs. If they don't i.e. have dual diagnosis. The same goes for booze. Avoid booze at all costs. It's worse than benzos.

 

Another option is to reinstate a bit and see if you can pull through. Meet with a pdoc to discuss any possible ADs. A benzo-wise pdoc. Not a drug pusher. Your whole life is at stake. ADs are the last resort. Once you start them, it's almost impossible to quit. In most cases.

 

Seek a good therapist who will guide you. A good, certified addiction therapist. And a pdoc. Your whole further life depends on the decisions you take now. There is always time for everything. And health is no 1 priority. As much health as it is possible for you to achieve.

 

Take care.

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

[[Ch...]]

I do have the textbooks and could do exactly what you recommended. Not a bad idea, thank you. I have been tapering at a relatively slow pace of 1mg a month and up till this past month I'd say I had been doing ok. Working a physical job, surfing often, somewhat social. This last month I thought I might've been going through a wave but now I guess my taper rate will have to change. You have to remember I have pressure from myself and doctors to be off these meds. It just caught up with me and now I obviously see I cannot CURRENTLY handle the stressors of college. I thought it would be a healthy distraction but my timing was clearly off. I'm trying to progress while my body physically is holding me back and that is just utterly frustrating. I don't have the option to lay in bed all day or taper at a snails pace or collect disability, so this a big deal. I need to forgive myself, breathe through this day, stabilize more so by holding and find a new job that is less stressful. I have to remember I'm only 30 and I can still finish college one day in the future. I've come very far and I need to give myself credit instead of tearing myself down. Thank you friends for caring for a stranger and his problems. I hope I can pay it forward one day to you all.

 

You've got a good head on your shoulders.  You're going to be okay, even though it all seems very daunting right now.  This takes more time than expected, but it's necessary to go through it to get to the 'other side'.  It's very hard, but it's worth it to be free of the bonds of benzodiazepines.

 

My advice to you is to do whatever you can to simplify your life right now and let this process play out. 

 

Going to school is full of potential stressors.  Schedules, parking, other people, cognition issues, inability to concentrate, vision and sound sensitivities...it's all overwhelming to the central nervous system.

 

School can wait... give yourself permission do what you intuitively know you need to do for yourself right now. 

[[Es...]]

And again. Please don't say you're disappointed in yourself. You are not your disease, which is addiction. You're something much more greater and better than that. You may as well have had terminal cancer and died 20 years ago. Would it be a cause of disappointment in yourself?

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

[[Ca...]]

A possible solution...

 

Updose...

 

Get stable...

 

Taper slowly, by SX... -holding as nee...

This was assuming that continuing your current study was the priority...

-Which in itself MAY counter depression...

 

But if recovery and Dr/personal constraints are your priority, -Just remove step one...

 

Dont fret about missing out on laying in bed all day... -Its over rated... I would choose the easier taper any day...

Count your blessings, dig in, and finnish the job...

Your life still awaits.. And rebuilding a new life can be a great adventure, knowing what we know now... Every day a true blessing...

I find looking back at the road traveled to be rather grounding in my situation...

 

You can do this...

 

 

[[be...]]

I attended college from 2012-2015, and the only reason I was able to graduate was because I took a reduced course load with academic accommodation.

 

Speak to someone from Counselling and Accessibility Services at your college and explain your situation. They should be able provide you with an accommodation, so you can study at your own pace.

 

As part of my accommodation I was also provided with double time for tests and exams, which was badly needed due to my benzo brain.