Psychological dependence

[[Br...]]

So, there's all the physical dependence....but I think sometimes the psychological dependence might be even harder, at least for me!

 

I wouldn't go anywhere without a couple Ativan in my purse or in a little pill box.  I might not have taken them, but I HAD to have them with me, "just in case".  And there were actually a couple times I had to toss a quarter of one under my tongue in public when I started to feel panicky.

 

At least I do have my beta blockers, which today I had to go somewhere, and I HAD to just toss a couple beta blockers in my purse "just in case".  Something is calming to me to know I have some sort of "remedy" in case of a "crisis".

 

But I don't like it that I'm like that.  As it is, I cannot yet make myself throw out my Ativan.  It's a brand new bottle, too.  And I haven't touched it for over a week, and I don't plan on touching it....yet....I'm like...well what if a BIG HUGE HUMONGOUS CRISIS comes and I NEED it?

 

So having it in my drawer is slightly soothing, like, even though I'm not gonna take it anymore, I still have it "just in case". 

 

I'm psycho, aren't I.    I'm thinking my psychological dependence is probably worse than my physical.  How to get past that?  Would I just wait until the physical part calms down, and then practice going out without any backup pills at all?  I mean, I went through a panic attack in the car the other night, and I did not take any pills or have anything (I did have an Ativan in my wallet, didn't even think about taking it though).  But yet, I still cannot quite make myself not have that "emergency pill box". 

[[Iw...]]

I hadn't thought about the post taper "dependence".  Before my taper, I never carried any xanax with me.  Now that I'm tapering, I carry a few pills with me "just in case" something should happen-I don't know what that something would be but whatever.  I wonder how I will feel after I jump.  Oh well I have at least a year to think about it. 

[[Br...]]

I hadn't thought about the post taper "dependence".  Before my taper, I never carried any xanax with me.  Now that I'm tapering, I carry a few pills with me "just in case" something should happen-I don't know what that something would be but whatever.  I wonder how I will feel after I jump.  Oh well I have at least a year to think about it.

 

Well, because I was mostly a prn user, I wasn't taking it daily...so I got into the habit of always having something there "Just in case".  So basically, for, I dunno, 3-4 years now...?  Even if I haven't been taking the Ativan daily, I always had it pretty much available daily "just in case".

 

Now I'm like....what do I do, "just in case"?  What if something happens, and I have nothing?

 

Logically, it seems silly...I mean, hey, I got through three panic attacks this past week without using Ativan.  Why would I need to keep it?  But yet I cannot throw out that bottle of Ativan...

[[Iw...]]

Maybe that's the last step in this whole process-disposing of that poison.  I would try and dispose of it so yo don't accidentally use it again.  So many people get off only to get back on.  Perhaps put it in your safe or have your spouse or someone you trust hold it for you.  We all have to learn to cope in those tough situations without the poison that stole so much from us.