When parental abuse makes you want to escape into Valium induced sleep

[[Es...]]

WTH should you do it. Cannot breathe. Almost stabilized on 20 mg V for sleep. Cut Prozac by 2,5 mg on 2017.08.15. To 25 mg. It was just a text message by mother. An abusive text message. We rarely talk. I'm scared of her.

 

Most fierce and cruel physical abuse by father, when I was a teen. He's a benzo addict. Mentally unstable. Mother has been prescribing him BZD for more than 30 yrs.

 

Verbal abuse by mother for the most of my life. Just sitting and crying. Hard to breathe. Pounding heart. One text message from her is enough.

 

Used to take Ambien before seeing them. Also in such situations. Punished myself to make them feel good. I thought I was guilty. Of having been born.

 

I don't deserve it.

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread.

Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)

 

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

[[ne...]]

You don't deserve this. You said it well. Don't treat you the way they did. Instead, dig deep to find self compassion. The compassion that they didn't offer. Survivors of abuse are some of the strongest people in the world. You may not feel that way right now, but you have endured more than the average person and you can harness all that strength and fortitude to help yourself now.  :smitten:

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread.

Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)

[[...]]

Estee my dear friend.

You don't deserve this. I know that you are a very strong, loving and brilliant woman.

Gahh having swedish on, im writing you instead.

Big hugs

 

Edit: Graphic title by OP removed

[[Es...]]

Estee my dear friend.

You don't deserve this. I know that you are a very strong, loving and brilliant woman.

Gahh having swedish on, im writing you instead.

Big hugs

 

My dear Me2,

 

I downloaded the Audible version of "You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother" by Danu Morrigan. I'm gonna listen to it and do the dishes. I must get myself occupied, in spite of this washing OCD.

 

I know one day I will be free of her. Just like I broke free of father.

 

It's probably less Prozac and the fact that I moved BC to the morning. Today. Hell. Forgot to take it at night. And thought it interferes with my sleep.

 

Someone will be talking to me. This too, shall pass. Emotional flooding. She wants me to be weak and dependent on her. So that she's never alone. I stopped loving her a long time ago.

 

Ex was unable to help me break free of her forever. He feared them both. They're so aggressive. We lost. They won. I will be free one day.

 

Must calm down. Crying will not help. Only action helps change. No self-pity. Only action.

 

I will clench my teeth, put on headphones and do the dishes. Even if I can't see cause of the tears. Would be easier to have contacts on. This too, shall pass.

 

I won't take neither Valium nor Ambien. Someone will be talking to me.

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread. Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)

 

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

[[Es...]]

You don't deserve this. You said it well. Don't treat you the way they did. Instead, dig deep to find self compassion. The compassion that they didn't offer. Survivors of abuse are some of the strongest people in the world. You may not feel that way right now, but you have endured more than the average person and you can harness all that strength and fortitude to help yourself now.  :smitten:

 

Thank you, newgrl. I was in a terrible state. Your help was invaluable ❤️

 

If I hadn't posted here and received some support. I'm afraid I could end up miserably, updosing on V in the middle of the day. In order to escape the pain.

 

And make matters much worse for the next couple of days. I would be the only one to suffer.

 

The abuser would thrive, having gotten a kick out of walking all over me. That's how it always has been. Me punishing myself for their fury and frustration with life. I'm the only scapegoat to my aggressive parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

 

Emotional flooding is terrible. One needs time and support to learn new, healthy coping skills.

 

One doesn't deserve other ppl's cruelty. I understood that with time. But my old ways to escape unbearable emotions still keep recurring.

 

It's crucial to cut all ties with toxic ppl in one's life. That's very difficult. But can be done. I must believe. Made some progress. Still fall off the wagon sometimes. "Progress, not perfection.", as the AAs say.

 

For the sake of our membership, all references to self-harm and/or harming others have been removed from this thread.

Please click on this link if you are thinking about suicide, self-harm, or harming others: Self-Harm/Ideation (Revised)

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

[[ne...]]

You will do it, Estee. You are on this site getting support, which means you have the a will inside you to fight this. To fight for you, despite them. We are all here for you. Your benzo buddies family.

[[Es...]]

You will do it, Estee. You are on this site getting support, which means you have the a will inside you to fight this. To fight for you, despite them. We are all here for you. Your benzo buddies family.

 

Yeah, good to have a family again. Had a great family with ex but mother couldn't stand it. She wanted me to be a part of just "one perfect family - her & father & me". That was never my family.

 

Then her manipulations and my ACOA commitment phobic tendencies started to take over. Everything went to pieces. Ex was never abusive and accepted me 100% as I was. He was just weak. Also an addiction survivor.

 

Now, I'm striving to have the best possible family with Kitty. Maybe will renew my ties with ex when I'm strong enough. Even as friends. We fought this addiction battle together for 12 yrs. He keeps going, barely alive. I lost. Benzo induced agoraphobia took over.

 

Each day a new beginning. Sobriety is a journey. Not a destination. Like most AAs say.

 

And as Slash, a recovering alcoholic and heroin addict rightly put it: "[...] animals and I share a point of view most people forget: at the end of the day life is about survival."

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

[[Be...]]

Estee, sorry about your abusive mother.  Why don't people see their own abusive ways?  Why don't they?  Because THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE MENTALLY ILL.  My MD pdoc I had to go see years ago heard all the horror stories about how my abusive mother used to verbally abuse me and know what he said to me, which shocked me.  He said, "Your mother's an asshole!"  I couldn't believe hearing that coming from a well-respected doc. 

[[Es...]]

Estee, sorry about your abusive mother.  Why don't people see their own abusive ways?  Why don't they?  Because THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE MENTALLY ILL.  My MD pdoc I had to go see years ago heard all the horror stories about how my abusive mother used to verbally abuse me and know what he said to me, which shocked me.  He said, "Your mother's an asshole!"  I couldn't believe hearing that coming from a well-respected doc.

 

Well, we're in the same boat, Becks. Except you don't have to contact the abuser anymore.

 

I'm still caught in a toxic relationship with mother. No one is able to help me. If I'm not able to help myself. Only action can change things. Self-pity will make matters worse.

 

I cut all ties with father at age 16, when I landed in psych ward. That's where they gave me my first benzo. Temazepam, cause I absolutely couldn't sleep.

 

The OCD professor I used to see then sent me to the psych ward. Cause she wanted me out of that hell they called "home". Nerves pinned to the wall, air thick with contempt. My self-destruction proceeding at an incredible pace. I still wonder why I did not touch drugs. My bf at that time was a heroin addict. Self-preservation, I guess. He's probably dead by now.

 

I thought I deserved all this. They were fighting constantly, but father never dared beat mother. Only me, with her watching. Encouraged by her nagging at me. That released their tension.

 

Escaped into sleep when mother gave me benzos. Prescribed them herself, cause she wanted me to go to the uni. And I was unable to, after numerous hospitalizations. OCD, social anxiety and dysthymia in full swing.

 

Yeah, pdocs and therapists cringe when they read my hospital papers. A therapist once told me to sue parents for alimony. He said I qualified for govt. disability benefit after high school. Have no strength to sue them. Mother is a very influential figure. Extremely manipulative.

 

Remember how I waited for weekends. When they went to their cottage in the country to fight. Weekends were so peaceful. Dreaded their return. Counted every hour.

 

My pdoc says only decreasing benzos will help me break free from mother. He fears her, like everyone. She has a lot of pull in the medical field. She considers him a moron, like all my pdocs. Therapists were either manipulative [...] or morons. She possesses all the wisdom in the world. Two extremely aggressive ppl with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Father with OCPD, insomnia and dependent on mother for benzos.

 

Both have some kind of characteropathy which is difficult for me to grasp. Father never visited a pdoc after he met mother. He had a stash of all kinds of benzos then. Mother's accounts.

 

I couldn't attend uni without benzos. I finished high school mostly at home. Always with honors. Feared ppl. Saw parents' eyes everywhere. The hate and contempt in their eyes. Expected nothing else from anyone.

 

Was shocked to see ppl actually liked me. "WTH, I thought. Am an evil monster. Have destroyed my parents' lives."

 

I tapered benzos in one yr since I got out of that hell they called "home". I still think of it as a "slaughterhouse". Remember every room, every nabe, the surroundings. No one knew. Other ppl live there nowadays. Do they feel all the evil energy, I wonder. Went once to that area. Had to sign sth in a bank. Couldn't stop crying.

 

They are two high functioning mentally sick ppl. The only ones who partly knew what was going on were the two psychiatrists. Professors of medicine to whom mother brought me in secret. Since I stopped attending high school and was extremely self-destructive. Well before benzos.

 

I did not tell any of those professors what EXACTLY was going on behind closed doors. Cause I thought I was the one to blame. Parents always said so. I trusted them. Even when I stopped trusting father. I still trusted mother.

 

I'm still in a terrible shape and need lots of time and self-directed therapy to find some inner peace. I don't want to intrude on ppl IRL with my stuff. Cannot even call my therapist. I don't pay her. Guess I'm quite autistic again. Writing is cathartic. It has always been.

 

Ex is of no help. He still thinks I'm the one who wanted the divorce. Doesn't make sense to tell him I wanted separation. Mother wanted the divorce. I wasn't the one who prepared the divorce papers and hired lawyers. I've told him bazzillion times. He's sick. Won't hear me.

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

[[He...]]

Nobody. Parents are for help, not for this.

 

Do your life without them

[[Es...]]

Trying to break free of mother. It's a journey. Not a destination. Just like with the benzos.

 

She's very toxic and manipulative, though. Difficult to get her out of my life.

 

Can be really sweet and charming to win me back. Then stab me again.

 

That's the way all abusers are, pdoc said.

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

[[...]]

My heart goes out to you.

 

We all project a theory of mind and moral reasoning on others.

A convenient narrative, often to rationalize irrational, reactive emotions and actions.

The difference between what is believed by others and what we believe makes us 'crazy'.

 

We convince ourselves, and are led to believe, that we are the problem. We become defensive a blame others.

Who could judge those who can not stand the brutal now ?

 

It would be justified to medicate the cruel pain away, if it did not perpetuate it.

 

Everyone is deeply flawed, forgive them, forgive your self. Let others have their stories, just don't believe them.

Allow for reconciliation with out expecting it.

 

In the end, it's all a bitter-sweet story, with what seems like a deeper message.

 

[[Es...]]

My heart goes out to you.

 

We all project a theory of mind and moral reasoning on others.

A convenient narrative, often to rationalize irrational, reactive emotions and actions.

The difference between what is believed by others and what we believe makes us 'crazy'.

 

We convince ourselves, and are led to believe, that we are the problem. We become defensive a blame others.

Who could judge those who can not stand the brutal now ?

 

It would be justified to medicate the cruel pain away, if it did not perpetuate it.

 

Everyone is deeply flawed, forgive them, forgive your self. Let others have their stories, just don't believe them.

Allow for reconciliation with out expecting it.

 

In the end, it's all a bitter-sweet story, with what seems like a deeper message.

 

Hey Lobo,

 

Thank you for your support. Congrats on your taper.

 

I've forgiven too many times. I always wanted to be loved and accepted by her. This will never happen. I accept responsibility for everything I screwed up in life. Parents have both gotten the Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Father has been absent from my life since the physical abuse thing.

 

I'm shaking, dizzy, scared and nauseated. I've been listening to this book for the last couple of hours. All the pieces of the puzzle are starting to fall into place. It's about survival. The only solution is no contact. Low contact is not a solution. I will be stuck in my OCD, insomnia, addiction etc. I will keep punishing myself.

 

Can't write more. Feel I may vomit any time. I will sue them for alimony when I heal enough. I will go public with all this. Their names. I just hope she doesn't spy me on this forum like she spied me on the other. Not related to any mental symptoms. Should remove Kitty's image from my avatar. Cannot do it. She does not know the name of the forum. She knows I'm on some WD forum. Shouldn't have mentioned it.

 

When I went no contact last year, she broke her leg. Today, she's thriving. Travelling the world with her husband, basking in her wealth. Probably smearing me before all relatives. Don't care. She needs me like a cat needs a dead mouse to play with. My friend, who knows the whole story and broke her legs several times, just laughed. "So what? Good for her." She's got her own, healthy, grown-up daughter. She cannot be my mother. I've never had neither a mother nor a father. It's better to have fond memories of one's dead parents.

 

Time to fully realize it. Even if it means physical pain, vomiting and barely moving around the appt. I CAN leave this trauma behind. Once and for all. I'm not able to heal even a bit without having done this.

 

This is a book for all daughters of narcissistic mothers. For all children of narcissistic parents. Forgiveness is not an option. Not in my case.

 

https://www.amazon.com/Youre-Not-Crazy-Understanding-Narcissistic/dp/B074JKZBZM/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1503056347&sr=8-2&keywords=toxic+mother

 

Here's the author's site. The author is anonymous. Danu Morrigan is not her real name. She's gone through this. She speaks from experience.

 

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

 

And like that addiction specialist said last year: "Benzos are not your chief problem." He met me after benzo WD in 2003. When I went to inquire about my ex-husband's psychosis. We talked about my illness then.

 

He met me again in 2016. After mother made me go back on benzos in order to regain control. She kept talking about Valium all 2014. Until I finally took it from her. Like the first time, in 1992. It was Lexotan then. I know everything about denial. I just fully understand the words of this psychiatrist.

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

[[Be...]]

Estee, I do understand your complicated feelings about your parents.  We all want to be loved unconditionally by our parents and when it doesn't happen, it causes so much sadness, anxiety and despair.  My parents used to fight alot in the home and then take their anger out on us kids.  I went to see my mother one time and hadn't seen her for months and she didn't even look at me and kept talking to my bf.  Finally, I said to her, "Aren't you going to ask how I'm doing?"  She never asked me that and never called me on the phone ever to see how I was doing.  Then she called me psycho and started screaming at me.  She was drunk.  Then she apologized and hugged me, but I was so shocked and hurt, I just left and didn't talk to her again for decades.  She would never call me to make amends.  I finally called her a few years ago, just to talk to her and it went ok and we are at peace with each other.  Maybe if you can break away from your mother for awhile, then maybe later you can just call her and see if she's willing to be friendly and make amends?  Don't let her have the power.  Was estranged from my father too for years because of his abuse, but saw him again before he died and he wasn't abusive then.  Parents divorced when I was a teen.  I was at peace with him when he died and I'm at peace with my mother now.  She's quite old now and I'm still afraid of her, so don't call her or anything.  I told her in a card how sick I am now with dementia and can hardly talk or walk now and I think she understands.  She knows I'm on disability now, so she knows I'm quite unwell, which I am.  She did tell me she loved me last time we talked on the phone.  I have bad anxiety just recalling this story or even discussing my parents.  They both scared me.  My mother told me many times she tried to abort me.  I was never wanted.  I was an accident.     

[[Be...]]

Estee, does your mother say she loves you when she's sweet and charming, which you mentioned she can be, and then turns on you?  It also sounds like your mother might be bipolar?  I dated a bipolar once and he could be so nice and then all of sudden become a mean animal. 

[[Es...]]

Sorry about your parents, Becks. I also was an unwanted child. There is not a possibility of forgiveness. With any of them. Not in my case.

 

Mother is not bipolar. She has got a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Everything is described in the book I mentioned above: "You'Re Not Crazy - It's Your Mother".

 

https://www.amazon.com/Youre-Not-Crazy-Understanding-Narcissistic/dp/B074JKZBZM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503309763&sr=8-1&keywords=Danu+Morrigan+Audible

 

And on this page to which one can subscribe for free:

 

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

 

They're both high functioning psychopaths. Father also has this NPD, OCPD, benzo addiction, impulse control disorder and insomnia. He's reliant on her for sleeping pills. I'm not.

 

I went no contact with him decades ago. After the beatings. I don't even know which one is more sick anymore. Verbal abuse and manipulations are just as cruel as the beatings. She's been abusing him verbally for decades, too. Less than me, though. Their verbal fights were the worst I've ever seen in my life. They called each other the worst names possible. Father did not have time to call me names. xxxxxxxxxxxx. While she was watching. They've always been united in their hate towards me.

 

I shouldn't care. All I should care about is survival. I'm very sick.

 

No way to progress with my Prozac taper. I scheduled another cut by 2,5 mg for tomorrow. Judging from the state I'm in. I won't make it. We agreed with pdoc to hit 20 mg by Aug. 30. Then take care of Valium. Still trying to stabilize on 20 mg. It's difficult with all these emotions.

 

With each pill I take, mother's triumph grows. Even if she can't see it. No one ever diagnosed me as psychotic or delusional patient. Met about 30 pdocs in my life.

 

I cannot go no contact. I can only go low contact by 70-80% more. This is possible. We're already very low contact.

 

My emotions are all over the place. I'm terribly nauseated. Feel like I'm gonna throw up any minute. Crying spells. "Take this. Take that. Lamictal is a very effective mood stabilizer." Whoa, Ambien even more so!

 

She texted me twice yesterday and e-mailed me. Blocked her on my phone and mail yesterday. Then unblocked. I'm afraid she may come here to check on me after a week's silence. With father. Cops and ambulance, like she did in 2016.

 

No, there was no party. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I do Valium. xxxxxxxxxxxxx. Out of fear. It's a taboo. Cannot write what happened next. xxxxxxxx

 

xxxxxx. Pdocs in hospital had no clue what to do with me except CT my Ambien. xxxxxxxx

 

Mother is extremely manipulative and sadistic. Was always promising me she'd drag me out of the appt. accompanied by cops and ambulance. It finally came true. Now she dreams about taking legal control over me.

 

As a severely disabled person, I didn't even have to attend daily therapeutical sessions. My ex-husband is psychotic and has to attend them. They teach him basic survival skills. I know basic survival skills. I'm taking care of myself and Kitty. Without help, cause I've got no one. Social workers are available of course. But I don't want strangers in my house.

 

But more than anything in the world, I want abusers out of my life. This is my ultimate goal.

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

 

edit: disallowed content removed

[[Be...]]

Estee, I'm so sorry about your abusive mother.  I wish there was some good solution for you.  It's horrible to be so afraid of her.  At least my mother who didn't want me, didn't call me or try to make contact with me all those years I estranged myself from her.  My older sister was estranged from her too for about a year because she couldn't take it.  Now my mother lives with her.  I wonder how that's going?  I never call them or see them.  If only your mother would leave you alone for awhile.  I see the terrible power she has over you.  How scary.

[[Fi...]]

Hi Estée,

You definitely don't deserve it and I'm so sorry to hear that you are still being tormented by your mother. How would you feel about cutting her out of your life? An abusive relationship is an abusive relationship. We can only heal once the abuser is gone and then it is still very much a challenge. If you are up to cutting her out how about blocking her so she cannot hurt you when you are in such a vunerable state?

Once you heal you will have a new life, a clear mind and perhaps its best to only allow positive people to be in your circle.

My heart breaks for you and you are in my thoughts 

[[Be...]]

I sure do understand how a parent can be so abusive and have such power over their kids.  Sometimes it's difficult to get away from an abusive parent when they want you to be codependent on them or else they threaten you somehow. 

[[Es...]]

Estee, I'm so sorry about your abusive mother.  I wish there was some good solution for you.  It's horrible to be so afraid of her.  At least my mother who didn't want me, didn't call me or try to make contact with me all those years I estranged myself from her.  My older sister was estranged from her too for about a year because she couldn't take it.  Now my mother lives with her.  I wonder how that's going?  I never call them or see them.  If only your mother would leave you alone for awhile.  I see the terrible power she has over you.  How scary.

 

I'm done with talking about my past and present here, Becks.

 

Thank you all the recovering addicts, who took time to read my posts. Empathized and wrote to me. This was a great comfort.

 

No one who hasn't gone through parental abuse, both physical and verbal, is able to understand.

 

But I greatly appreciate people just trying to support me.

 

Must seek help for my parental abuse elsewhere. Cause it keeps going on with more and more strength.

 

Also, the last thing I want is starting a blog, where I cannot express myself freely. I acknowledge the forum's rules. No graphic posts, no mentioning self-harm or suicide. But I don't have to agree with these rules. So I need to stay silent. No one is forced to read what I write anyway.

 

xxxxxxxxx. And it caused a major breakdown in my life.

 

I want to state clearly that I am in WD process and need support during my taper. So this board is for me, like for anyone else. The quantities of benzos I take or the fact that I'm trying to stabilize on 20 mg Valium, according to my pdoc's advice. Are not in any way an indication that I don't need WD support in my taper.

 

I will not ask for that support, though. I don't need to write here and feel stigmatized for having been abused by biological parents in a way that made me an invalid for life. I'm suffering enough to endure this in addition. I'm not talking about anyone who posted here to support me. I don't say: "I am stigmatized." I say: "I feel stigmatized." There's a subtle difference. Maybe I'm oversensitive. But I know silence is the only solution. It has always been.

 

The fact that I'm sicker than many ppl here is not my fault. If I took benzos for a few yrs and all my problems started with them, I would be a happy person.

 

I will check on you, Becks. I can feel how alone you are and how much you suffer. I'm doing my best to help always. This is how I survived my last hospital stay. Just trying to help those more miserable than me. Despite no sleep, wobbly legs, nausea and being close to faint.

 

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

I never forget kindness. I've received so little of it in my life, I'm grateful for every crumb that comes my way.

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/19/k/9b08/event.png[/img]

 

edit: disallowed content removed

[[Es...]]

Hi Estée,

You definitely don't deserve it and I'm so sorry to hear that you are still being tormented by your mother. How would you feel about cutting her out of your life? An abusive relationship is an abusive relationship. We can only heal once the abuser is gone and then it is still very much a challenge. If you are up to cutting her out how about blocking her so she cannot hurt you when you are in such a vunerable state?

Once you heal you will have a new life, a clear mind and perhaps its best to only allow positive people to be in your circle.

My heart breaks for you and you are in my thoughts 

 

Thank you, Fighting the Good Fight. Congrats on your taper.

 

I cannot go "no contact" with mother and it hurts the most. My biggest dream is never to see or hear from her again till the rest of my life. The same goes for father.

 

I'm more and more sick. Crying day and night. Promised not to write a word more about me. I'm breaking that promise. Let these be my last words.

 

Since I'm advised not to vent here anymore, I will conform to this decision.

 

I may start writing a book in my native tongue. There will be no censorship.

 

I'm sure I'll find a publisher. I used to write poems about this parental abuse and other things. Poems are not enough. Only a detailed account of all the atrocities that took place behind closed doors. That still happen.

 

How they shaped my life. Only such a short book makes sense. Whether ppl buy it or not doesn't matter.

 

I just want me and Kitty to be remembered. I want to find purpose in all this suffering.

 

There are countless victims of parental abuse who keep silent until their miserable death. There are ppl who manage to rebuild their lives in spite of all the abuse they went through. Probably less sick and sensitive.

 

I thought I could be one of those ppl. I tapered benzos to 0 in 2002-2003, without any help of other recovering addicts. Only my pdoc and therapist. Mother manipulated me into breaking ties with this therapist of 9 yrs, too. She was jealous. Hated this woman who saved my life. With other good-willing ppl.

 

My only motivation to taper was to break free from those monsters. Grandfather, my only family, left me his appt. when he died. He was there with me all the time. Even after his death. They forced me to sell this appt. It was always about the money and prestige. Their God. Buying an SUV this time. Father adores luxury and showing-off. "Splendid isolation" - that's what he was trying to teach me all my life.

 

I believed I was strong enough to finish third studies during therapy with recovering alcoholics. Philosophy, the studies I wanted to finish the most. I was able to work long yrs and long hrs. Earn lots of money.

 

Till mother's manipulations finally finished me off. I was too sick. I fought till the last minute. Till taking that first Valium pill she gave me. So that I can go back to my full-time job, cause it meant money for her. After 11 yrs off benzos. Pdoc was desperate, but helpless. This was on 24 May 2014. I will remember that date till the end of my life.

 

There is no other way like free expression of all the pain I'm going through. Only writing, without any censorship, may relieve it. I still hope to be strong enough to do it. I cannot talk anymore. To anyone.

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/19/k/9b08/event.png[/img]

[[be...]]

I hope you are doing better. You dad and mine could be twins, though he drank the booze on his own. The best thing that happened is that mom kicked him out. When he used to call me in a haze, I just hung up on him. And I have some brothers who think it's my own fault. I have blocked them. I do far better with a dog than any family. They are toxic to you and now you have to be #1 right now. At least I have a good pdoc though he has the nerve to charge me out-of-pocket. Good for him and bad for me. I bet you are stronger than you think. Thinking of you.

 

Betsy

[[be...]]

Sorry about your parents, Becks. I also was an unwanted child. There is not a possibility of forgiveness. With any of them. Not in my case.

 

Mother is not bipolar. She has got a Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Everything is described in the book I mentioned above: "You'Re Not Crazy - It's Your Mother".

 

https://www.amazon.com/Youre-Not-Crazy-Understanding-Narcissistic/dp/B074JKZBZM/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1503309763&sr=8-1&keywords=Danu+Morrigan+Audible

 

And on this page to which one can subscribe for free:

 

http://www.daughtersofnarcissisticmothers.com

 

They're both high functioning psychopaths. Father also has this NPD, OCPD, benzo addiction, impulse control disorder and insomnia. He's reliant on her for sleeping pills. I'm not.

 

I went no contact with him decades ago. After the beatings. I don't even know which one is more sick anymore. Verbal abuse and manipulations are just as cruel as the beatings. She's been abusing him verbally for decades, too. Less than me, though. Their verbal fights were the worst I've ever seen in my life. They called each other the worst names possible. Father did not have time to call me names. xxxxxxxxxxxx. While she was watching. They've always been united in their hate towards me.

 

I shouldn't care. All I should care about is survival. I'm very sick.

 

No way to progress with my Prozac taper. I scheduled another cut by 2,5 mg for tomorrow. Judging from the state I'm in. I won't make it. We agreed with pdoc to hit 20 mg by Aug. 30. Then take care of Valium. Still trying to stabilize on 20 mg. It's difficult with all these emotions.

 

With each pill I take, mother's triumph grows. Even if she can't see it. No one ever diagnosed me as psychotic or delusional patient. Met about 30 pdocs in my life.

 

I cannot go no contact. I can only go low contact by 70-80% more. This is possible. We're already very low contact.

 

My emotions are all over the place. I'm terribly nauseated. Feel like I'm gonna throw up any minute. Crying spells. "Take this. Take that. Lamictal is a very effective mood stabilizer." Whoa, Ambien even more so!

 

She texted me twice yesterday and e-mailed me. Blocked her on my phone and mail yesterday. Then unblocked. I'm afraid she may come here to check on me after a week's silence. With father. Cops and ambulance, like she did in 2016.

 

No, there was no party. I don't drink. I don't do drugs. I do Valium. xxxxxxxxxxxxx. Out of fear. It's a taboo. Cannot write what happened next. xxxxxxxx

 

xxxxxx. Pdocs in hospital had no clue what to do with me except CT my Ambien. xxxxxxxx

 

Mother is extremely manipulative and sadistic. Was always promising me she'd drag me out of the appt. accompanied by cops and ambulance. It finally came true. Now she dreams about taking legal control over me.

 

As a severely disabled person, I didn't even have to attend daily therapeutical sessions. My ex-husband is psychotic and has to attend them. They teach him basic survival skills. I know basic survival skills. I'm taking care of myself and Kitty. Without help, cause I've got no one. Social workers are available of course. But I don't want strangers in my house.

 

But more than anything in the world, I want abusers out of my life. This is my ultimate goal.

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]

 

edit: disallowed content removed

 

So your mother has that? I guess she could be a politician right now as she would fit right in. There's no helping people like that, because they always think they are right and the rest are wrong. If my mother was like yours, I would never speak to her. The fact that she drugged your father speaks volumes. He doens't sound like a walk in the park either. I do feel for you. This sort of thing reminds me of the old movie, Ordinary People with MTM. I can only imagine that some of your neighbors think you are just Ordinary People, when it fact it is dysfunctional  I don't think there is a household here that is perfectly normal. Everyone has their troubles, though I'm sorry to say yours is not good at all. I'd avoid them like the plague. That's one reason why I moved to Ohio from CT.....Our neighbors finally found out that we were not ordinary after they saw my dad running down the road with nothing on but his shoes. fwiw~~ glad you got rid of hubby. He sounds lie a real peach. You can do this! I'm counting on it.

[[Be...]]

Estee, sorry I kept opening the wound about your family.  I'll try to not do it again.  It gives me bad anxiety too talking about my family.  I'm praying for you.  You can vent on this forum, but must follow the rules and guidelines.  I forget and break the rules and then get called on it.  I've had alot of content deleted too by the mods.  I guess I get upset and overly emotional and angry about what's happened in my life and how I'm housebound now and feel so sick all the time. 

[[Es...]]

I hope you are doing better. You dad and mine could be twins, though he drank the booze on his own. The best thing that happened is that mom kicked him out. When he used to call me in a haze, I just hung up on him. And I have some brothers who think it's my own fault. I have blocked them. I do far better with a dog than any family. They are toxic to you and now you have to be #1 right now. At least I have a good pdoc though he has the nerve to charge me out-of-pocket. Good for him and bad for me. I bet you are stronger than you think. Thinking of you.

 

Betsy

 

Hey Betsy,

 

I don't think your dad wore Armani, Hugo Boss and sprinkled himself with Dior till you almost fainted.

And drives the most luxurious SUV imaginable. Everything has always been about money, appearances, prestige etc. And this "keeping up with the Joneses thing". Except that "the Joneses" were not nabes.

 

Nabes told father on several occasions he was insane, cause he picked up terrible fights. About the noise. There's this curious thing with his mind going blank during attacks of fury. I wouldn't attribute it only to benzo WD syndrome. Rather some kind of impulse control disorder.

 

Mother is always 100% in control. She's doing all this deliberately. She relishes in making me suffer. She was like that since her teens with vulnerable women whom she envied sth. What is there to envy me? Only my Kitty left. Oh, and the appt.

 

I guess this book "You're Not Crazy - It's Your Mother" by Danu Morrigan was a major shock to me. All the pieces of the puzzle suddenly fell into place. Puzzle I was trying to solve for years. I had some glimpse during my 9 years' therapy sessions. But here, the author actually has such a mother and went "no contact" with her. She is anonymous. She used to have a good relationship with her father. But he took her mother's side. She can allow herself a luxury of going "no contact", cause she's got a husband. There are other possibilities, like: "low contact" and "limited contact". They don't actually allow one to heal. Cause one is constantly exposed to drama.

 

I've always been trying to sort things out by compromise with the nabes. Violence begets violence. Speaking of "The Joneses". They are actually a very rich mother's cousin and her husband. Childless. You know what that means? Major success in life. Not having that dirty little thing whom you have to finance, educate, keep under your roof.

 

Another "Joneses" live abroad. Second cousin, on Valium all her life. But having married an extremely rich man. Five star hotels in exotic countries all year long. Parents have to keep up with them as well. Second cousin on Valium is actually mother's greatest role model. I heard all 2014 how I don't need ADs and how Valium was gonna be my savior. I was off benzos then.

 

There was a moderate amount of booze in my household. But there was THE PILL. And the Goddess who distributed those pills to father, me and my parental grandmother. Also a benzo addict, suffering from insomnia. She lived till almost 100 yrs old. So we have good prospects ahead of us with the wonderful Valium.

 

Mother is not a psychiatrist. But for her, all psychiatrists are morons. She possesses all the wisdom in the world. Unfortunately, she even can't recall the brain structure and functions of particular elements.

 

All shop assistants, receptionists are idiots. She bullies those poor women. They're all shaking. I just feel ashamed and shocked. Don't know how to behave. To make them calm down. They are healthy and look great. They are able to work. Is it possible she projects her hate towards me on all those women.

 

There was no abuse on my husband's part. He's very sick. They both bullied him. It's a painful story. We were a happy marriage, but he was poor and weak. They couldn't stand him. Forced him to study. Apart from working full-time. Like my first bf. Mother talked me into both break-ups. You're right, she could be a politician. She's so extremely manipulative. Often uses her charms with men. Whatever works.

 

She can make everyone do exactly what she wants.

 

In two days, there's the 10th anniversary of my wedding. We were a happy marriage. Ex has been sober for more than 14 yrs. From drugs and alcohol. He suffered a mental breakdown after the divorce and lost his job. His father drank himself to death. We both ended up as invalids. He used to say I was his Higher Power. How strange. Never considered anyone my Higher Power.

 

I can't say how it really was with ex. He was keeping me sane. At the same time, I'm a commitment phobic. As an ACOA and DON (Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother). He has a dual diagnosis. Like me. All the time, I was scared like hell he would start drinking. I'm still scared. Well, the opposite happened. I went back on benzos on 24 May 2014. He's been clean since 3 May 2003. I let him down like 1000 times. He let me down like 100 times. I don't pick up his calls. I must figure it all out. Been figuring it all out for the last couple of years. That's how the benzo brain works.

 

And Betsy, mother did not drug only my father. She also drugged me. Out of my consciousness.

 

Going "no contact" or "very low contact" with mother is a journey. Not a destination. This is my only hope now. Without it, I will stick to benzos forever. And I won't move below my magic number. Twenty.

 

I can still write a book. I'm too weak now. I may devise a structure and a narration. That's some sort of relief. Once you've got a detailed plan in place, writing comes naturally.

 

BTW, my native tongue is the same as your parents'. And I live in this great country. I'd gladly move. Too late.

 

Many hugs 

 

width=420 height=89https://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/4;54;93/st/20160228/e/last+damn+Ambien+pill/dt/6/k/5848/event.png[/img]