Trying to cope, return to work, struggling - do I hold longer or cut dilemmas

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Feeling rubbish today, have been trying to go into work for 1/2 days, it is sooooo hard - anxiety, panic, everything I used to be able to do at work feels like a massive struggle. Not even sure if I should be trying to go back but my psychologist said it will be a distraction from my symptoms, but I feel like it causes some more.  But need income. Negative thoughts (shut up brain😩) are dogging me at every turn.  Holding just over 2 weeks since last cut, not sure whether I should hold longer or cut again, the dilemma, yuk! What to do... Came in from stint today  and just cried and cried, can anyone relate, feel like my life has turned upside down....

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I can relate to feeling like my life has turned upside down. Our brains have been turned upside down. I would say listen to your body but I know how hard that is when your body is freaking out. I've seen a lot of people hold their taper when symptoms are overwhelming. I wish I could take away the suffering. Love and healing to you.

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Thanks,  I guess I just hate the idea of this whole thing taking longer, I hate being in this position, but I guess that is part of the ride and it is best to try to make peace with it somehow. It helps to know that people out there get where you are coming from, I sometimes feel so lonely with all of this.  I keep wondering whether to move part of my tablet to the day, as currently I take .5mg at 5pm and 2mg at night, perhaps I would be more stable in the day if I took some of my 10pm dose at 10am, what do you think?

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I hate how long this all takes too! I keep hearing from others that a slow taper is the least traumatic for the brain and could help with the overall healing time. Making peace with this horrible situation has been really hard and also the most helpful thing for me. Acceptance is so difficult when you are suffering. I can relate to feeling lonely with this. I've found a lot of peace on BB talking to people who understand this hell. I wish I could help with taper advice. I never had a knowledgeable doctor during any of my tapers. My last and final taper was from 1mg xanax and 2mgs klonopin, dry cut and completely off both in less than a month. I'm miserable and wish very much that I had known how to do it slowly. I wish you the best whatever you choose to do.

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I can completely relate to feeling as though my life has been turned upside down. I barely recognize it or me on some days. I recently had to stop working a job i LOVE because my symptoms were interfering with my functioning too much. I have lost a ton of weight, and I often think I look shell-shocked when I see myself in the mirror. Days pass slowly because my husband is at work. There is only so much I can do to fill my day. It can feel lonely and isolating. If you can work, I agree it's a great distraction and, for me, it was a wonderful source of self-esteem. I can't wait to go back. I am just not there with how symptomatic I am. I was becoming unreliable. I think it is always hard to make the decision about whether to cut or hold. If you are functional but not feeling well, perhaps hold a bit so you can keep working and make money. This isn't a race. If you can stay functional longer, I say try for that.

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I can so relate! I want my life back! New symptoms all the time. Always wondering am I horribly ill or is it the Valium? I find myself watching other people going about their lives and being jealous because they make it look so easy! I pray for all of us and wish you all the best!

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I watch other people as well and feel sad that my life is in such turmoil. Felt massive nausea thus morning totally out of the blue, yuk! Struggled all day with anxiety, went to doctor, waste of time, she just doesn't get it, I am sure she has no clue what to say to me and that makes me frustrated.  Also head feels dizzy - probably reason for nausea. I am loosing weight, despite eating (although what I can eat is limited as I have many food intolerances). Must make peace with it all, and mostly myself. Still have no idea whether or cut or not, gut says stay a while - head says keep going. Aagghhh soooo annoying.....

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Doctors can't help with withdrawals or easing our minds. I've been making all my docs read the ashton manual. It's only helping helping ease my mind a little. Now they are at least educated about this horror and can help others avoid this mess. The taper struggle is real! I wished so many times that I knew what was best so I could just do it and move on already. I'd say listen to your body but I know how hard that is when it's suffering so much. I'm sending luck whatever you decide to do. xoxo

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Hi red sky

I decided to hold for a couple of days longer, nausea and dizziness still with me today ggrrr also it's my sons birthday party tomorrow and so I am trying to get that sorted out, which of course is stressing me out and that revs everything up. You are right about doctors, I thought mine was on my side for a while but since she realised she left me on benzos for too long she seems different and off hand with me. I also gave her a print out of the Ashton manual, she didn't seem to interested in it,  it I thought well I have done my bit for others. At least she is prescribing the pills!  Have you finished your taper?

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It makes me so angry your doc didn't seem interested in the manual! Good for you for trying your best to educate her. Your decision to hold makes complete sense and I'm sorry you're feeling bad still. I hope you are able to enjoy the birthday party even the tiniest bit tomorrow. I never did any of my "tapers" slowly or with any information about how to do it properly. Once I quit 4mg klonopin CT when I didn't even know about withdrawals. My doc thought I was crazy for having any symptoms at all. This last time I tapered off 2mg klonopin and 1mg xanax in under a month. No wonder my suffering is vast. I wish I had found this site before all of this. I'm 6 months med free. I'm glad you are taking it slowly! Good luck with the party.

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Blueocean--

I understand the work dilemma very well. I've just returned and it's both wonderful and terrible. It's hard to get through a day with waves of terror, but I am often distracted for hours at a time, and there's the income and self esteem. That said, our brains are doing hard work healing now, even if we can't do much at all. The WD work my brain is doing is so much more challenging than any kind of work I have ever done. Hopefully the rewards are too.

 

I'm with Red Sky re: tapering. I was detoxed in six in mid-June after 10 months on 2mg of Ativan. I wish I hadn't been so ignorant; I wish the local medical community had a clue or a beating heart. You are wise to go slowly and listen to your body. I'm sure it's not easy, but I think you are doing yourself a a great deal of good by going slowly.

 

Best to you, and much love.

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Hi Newgrl- I have lost heaps of weight as well, and to be honest I was pretty thin to start off with so now I feel like skin and bone which I hate and of course my negative thoughts often dwell on this. I eat every 2 hours much more than I used to and still can't keep weight on, I get worried there is more to it than the benzos but quite a few people report this as a symptom of withdrawal. I just hope that at some stage things turn around.

 

So sorry you can't enjoy the job you love, when I am at home I try to structure my day around walks and yoga, emails, crossword puzzles etc that way I make sure I know what I need to do next even when I feel terrible I may every effort stick to my routine. My favourite time of day is the evening when, if I am lucky, things quieten symptoms wise, well of course this coincides with my first dose of the devil drug for the day, but hey enjoy what you can when you can I reckon.

 

Got my sons birthday party tomorrow, hope I can make it for a while, it is pretty hot here and the heat often sets off my anxiety, fingers crossed I get a good day.

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Hi markidee- yep waves of terror is right, I had a massive panic attack the first morning I went in, it was 3 days after a cut so my hearing was super sensitive and my boss and I were at a cafe (she was kind enough to walk with me into work) and the coffee grinder kept going, before I knew it sweating palms, throat constriction and I was in a state of panic. Luckily a wonderful friend and colleague helped by taking to me while I calmed. She is my rock. I find it hard to sleep the night before work and can't concentrate for long, I miss the old me who could multi task, maybe life is telling me I must slow down, who knows.

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Blueocean-

It's great comfort knowing there is someone there we can turn to when/if things get rough. I try to have people in place or a phone call away all the time. It's like a safety net.

 

I think most of us share the loss of a former sense of who are. From what I read of benzo survivors, many find that they are even better than pre-benzo...they learn to weather the slings and arrows without chemicals and learn to cope with anything.

 

And yes, slowing down, at least for now, is imperative. I feel like I don't have to do as much and it's okay. It sounds like you're weathering the storms gracefully. Much love!