What should I do?

[[co...]]

So, my biggest symptom is depression. I feel very hopeless, emotional, morning despair ...like I'm just not going to make it everyday. I push for a couple of weeks and then find myself just giving up to despair because the "pushing" is not really helping. Nothing helps...

 

I'm currently taking Lamictal at 50 mg. I may try to get to 100 mg. But I had a hard time at 75 mg... and the drug isn't really giving me a sense well being. Or at least not at the level I need it to be. As much as I don't want to be on any drugs, I'm not sure if it's really safe to just try to muscle my way through this anymore. I'm 10 months out... still not working and still in heavy depression mode. My other symptoms are anxiety, head pain, tinnitus, nausea (probably from living in a stressed out state most days).

 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I'm so lost and have run out of ideas and things to keep me occupied. I still exercise most days but am finding myself not wanting to do anything anymore. I just really don't know how much of this is withdrawal at this point. I'm not sure I can pin all of this depression on withdrawal. I really believe that I've developed this over time from all of the poly drugging that happened when I was going through inter dose withdrawal and didn't know it.

 

Is there anyone in a similar situation, was around 10 months off, and decided to take medication to help stabilize them and get them back to work / functioning?

 

I'm starting to really believe that deep down inside, I just don't want to exist anymore... that's a tough pill to swallow on it's own.

 

Thanks everyone,

[[Fi...]]

Hi Colley,

I am only 3 months off of Clonazepam but a year off of Cymbalta. My doctor's had to change my anti-depressants many times for years so I could feel some relief. I'm no doctor and everyone is different but perhaps you are in the same boat and your med isn't cutting it for you?

So sorry you are so depressed. I know that pain very well and I hear you about keep having to push through it.  That's what we have to keep doing. When we have no hope it is excruciating, is there someone you can call who will just listen to you?  Who will let you cry or get upset? I know no one can take away this pain your feeling but know that you are a super strong person to be able to deal with this.  When I'm in so much pain I force myself to watch a comedy movie or listen to music.  Sometimes I just cry but it needs to come out. 

Talk to your doctor, try to get outside even if it's for 2 minutes. Know that you are enduring what most people can't. There will be a remedy for you. Whether it is with or without meds.  There is hope even though it doesn't feel like it. There may only be small improvements but many of them add up. Please don't give up, you are awesome and deserve and will have happiness.  Like all of us on this site we have been given a far heavier weight to carry but eventually when we come out of this all of us will be so much stronger for it.

Sending you a super huge hug

 

[[Re...]]

Unfortunately it seems most people don't get relief from benzo related depression until they have healed. It's part of the package deal. And it sucks! I had depressive episodes before benzos but this benzo depression is the most extreme thing I've experienced. I wish you the best whatever you decide to do and hope that it lifts for you soon.

[[Ma...]]

That morning despair/dread/hopelessness is so heavy. I've had it for like the last 3.5 years most mornings. Today I turned a little corner: it was there, but I had this thought "this too passes." And it did. I got to work, got busy and wasn't thinking about my hopelessness. It may be there tomorrow, but I'm trying to get used to the idea of having hope again. I'm looking for these incremental changes.

 

I'm not on Lamictal, but I've sort of come to terms with the idea that there probably isn't a pill out there for me that will make the shadows go away. I'm currently on Luvox, which is and SSRI that is used for OCD. My OCD is still there, my anxiety is still there. Maybe it helps a little. For me, acceptance helps more. I've come to terms with the idea that the thoughts are there and I'm not struggling to make them go away, and with it a lot of my anxiety has gone away. And I have crazy, uncomfortable thoughts. They're noisy, intrusive, and uncomfortable, and I'm always a little worried there going to send me over the edge. I try even to accept that.

 

I hear you about the depression. So much anxiety and depression for me existed years and years before I was given benzos. It may exist after I've healed. But the depression ON benzos long term was worse; for me it was even worse than the depression I'm dealing with in early recovery. This gives me hope.

 

Much love, colley!

[[Re...]]

That morning despair/dread/hopelessness is so heavy. I've had it for like the last 3.5 years most mornings. Today I turned a little corner: it was there, but I had this thought "this too passes." And it did. I got to work, got busy and wasn't thinking about my hopelessness. It may be there tomorrow, but I'm trying to get used to the idea of having hope again. I'm looking for these incremental changes.

 

I'm not on Lamictal, but I've sort of come to terms with the idea that there probably isn't a pill out there for me that will make the shadows go away. I'm currently on Luvox, which is and SSRI that is used for OCD. My OCD is still there, my anxiety is still there. Maybe it helps a little. For me, acceptance helps more. I've come to terms with the idea that the thoughts are there and I'm not struggling to make them go away, and with it a lot of my anxiety has gone away. And I have crazy, uncomfortable thoughts. They're noisy, intrusive, and uncomfortable, and I'm always a little worried there going to send me over the edge. I try even to accept that.

 

I hear you about the depression. So much anxiety and depression for me existed years and years before I was given benzos. It may exist after I've healed. But the depression ON benzos long term was worse; for me it was even worse than the depression I'm dealing with in early recovery. This gives me hope.

 

Much love, colley!

 

I love what you have to say here Markidee. Radical Acceptance! xoxo

[[Ma...]]

I was really depressed while taking all my ADs, benzos and so on. I was depressed before taking them, but while I was taking them, all was worse. After stopping all meds, I slowly felt better. Give yourself time. Your body doesn't know new strategies yet. focus on the things you are able to do, like exercising. Its totally NORMAL that you don't feel great in this time, you know. The first step is doing the things. and the 10th step is feeling great while doing it.

I would not get back into the med-trap again..

 

I still have depressed days, but I am far away from the dark times I was in for years. I have made so many efforts and I have survived the hard and long tapers..- nothing will get me down any more.

 

I have been where you are now - you need to write down what you are able to do. On that list, there will be some more points than you would think. And try to do things you loved before all the shit happened. Do things no matter what. And don't forget that you won't feel great the first time doing them. But with the time, joy comes back. Really.

You have come so far. Just go on. You are doing everything the right way. Don't be afraid. Try to enjoy something a little bit each day, it can be a cup of tea or a movie, no matter what. Show your body "hey dude, look, we are getting better each day... " and it will respond.

 

huge hug!

Marigold

[[SS...]]

I hear and feel your pain.  Tomorrow is completion of week 8 for me.  It is hard to imagine months and months of this.  Like everyone else has said,  as time passes and countless remedies and strategies have been tried and failed, I am accepting more and more that only time will heal.  tonight has been particularly bad with the constant panic feeling.  just constant feeling of internal shaking but it's not a panic attack - no rapid breathing or heart rate - so all the usual tricks for calming a panic attack just don't work.  i am sure it's excessive glutamate revving my system and wish i knew what triggered it or if it's just going to happen no matter what.  i don't eat any gluten to try to avoid that from happening.....  i live alone so i know the deep despair of isolation but i am currently on a family vacation and can say that being around people hasn't changed things - its made it harder in some ways because i'm watching everyone lead a normal life -eat what they want  - drink what they want - go to sleep at 10pm and get up at 8am - can't even imagine that..... i just feel like we have to find a way to endure each day and know that only time will fix things.  we can come here for support from other people who know what we are going through.....

 

i wish i could make it better for you.  i wish i could make it better for all of us.  i wish these medications didnt exist.  they have caused so much harm and suffering.  i have had really tough days where i just wished i wouldn't wake up.  it is terrible to say or think that.  i would not harm myself but i have had the thought that i wouldnt mind not waking up anymore.  it is so hard to know a drug can do this to you as i was not depressed before being given valium for spine surgery.  i was actually in the best place i had ever been - other than living in chronic pain from broken discs in my neck.  so - i can say with certainty that the medication / WD has caused this.  and i keep telling myself it will go away once the healing is done since it wasnt there before. 

 

somehow we just have to find the strength to get through another day and another day and pray that we turn that corner like so many others have....