Why?

[[co...]]

Woe is me rant.

 

Friday I saw some friends with my wife. Yesterday I went to an amusement park; in fact I've been pretty functional; pushing myself for about two weeks but feeling not well most of the time. But today I woke up and basically didn't want to move... floored by depression / darkness / despair / hopelessness. I stayed in my bed all day wallowing in a depressive state. Barely ate anything.

Should I not be fully functional at this point? I'm 10 months out... horribly depressed. Shouldn't the major depression, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, be lessened significantly by now? There are so many people working through this... but I can't even seem to get myself to an interview or have any consistent days where I don't pray to god to take me from this. I think I'm damaged for good now... like my brain has rewired itself to major depression. I'm assuming this happens in protracted - your brain just doesn't go back to normal. I'm so tired of being bored trying to fill my days with meaningless activities. I really don't know how I'm going to go on like this... I don't know how you all do it. I must be weaker than most men my age. Every day I hate myself just a little bit more... all because of these stupid pills. I used to love myself and now I'll probably never get that back.

[[Re...]]

Many people's brains are still healing at 10 months off. You are not alone. I don't know how we do it either! Like you, I'm tired of filling my days with meaningless activities and waiting for this to pass. It's not about weakness at all. It takes great strength to get through this epic suffering and mental torture. I know it feels like it will never pass but I keep telling myself that once my brain heals I will be my "normal" self again. I believe you will too.

[[gg...]]

Me too Colley. I have really been trying to do normal activities, but they usually just make my symptoms worse.

[[Ma...]]

It's so hard to know what to do: do I push myself or do I stay secluded? I push myself and suffer, I stay isolated and usually suffer more. The good news is you are doing things, you're with your wife and friends and maybe having moments of happiness and normalcy. I have a few a day and relish them and cling to them greedily. I wouldn't beat myself up for having a depressed day: it might be what your body/brain needed.

 

I just wish the time frame were different, or that someone would say "you'll turn a corner on (say) October 21st." There's just not linearity or certainty.

 

But there's too many stories of people healing and actually, eventually, finding themselves BETTER than they were before they took the poison. I also cling to these stories and this hope.

[[si...]]

Distraction and meaningless activities is how we get through this.

There is nothing wrong with feeling this way.

Do what you can and accept the days you can't do much.

The smallest thing is a win in this game of time.