Having a bad day :(

[[Fa...]]

Really not sure how to go on like this...I feel so lost today. Already had a few breakdowns and there will probably be many more. It's so hard not knowing what the future holds or how long this will continue. I'm just really afraid...feels like I will never be ok again.  :'(

[[gg...]]

Me too Faery

I'm actually at work today and suffering terribly. Had to go sob in my car during my break.

I really hope you feel better later today

[[co...]]

Right there with you Faery... bad, bad, day. You're only 2 months so you have a lot of opportunity to heal. I'm really discouraged with my healing process and am worrying more and more each day as I'm not turning any major corners.

 

 

[[Rx...]]

My heart goes out to you, Faery.  Hug.

[[Re...]]

My heart goes out to you Faery. I know it's the benzo brain talking but mine is stuck in a loop, "this is permanent OMG I can't live like this!" It's torture. Maybe the government should use benzos to interrogate people? Even though my brain is incapable of truly believing it at the moment, WE WILL ALL HEAL!

[[Ma...]]

You're not alone, Faery. Today was the first day of school (I'm a teacher). I slept 0 hours and had to get up in front of 5 classes and introduce myself. I had a breakdown in the shower this morning, and I don't know how I got through it and how I will do it again tomorrow. We are warriors everyday. I'm trying to focus on the good: even with no sleep I was better focused and more energetic than when I was on Ativan (all year last year). It's hard to stay positive, but I keep searching. You are going to turn a corner soon, I know it. Much love and peace to you.

[[Fa...]]

Wow Markidee...I can barely deal with my four kids all day I can't imagine a whole room full!!! Much respect to you for that! It must take immense patience...My kids go back next week (3 different schools) and I have no idea how I'm going to be able to take and pick them up! You're right we really are warriors every day! We have to be!!! I'm hoping we all turn a corner soon! Thanks to all of you for the support and I'm here for you as well! Someday soon we will be celebrating each other's recovery and I can't wait for that day!!! To those of you who have to work or have been suffering for months on end I truly admire you and hope that it gets easier very soon!!!

[[Re...]]

A giant WOW to all of you with kids and/or working during this hell! I'm in awe! Sending loads of love and strength. xoxo

[[Kr...]]

This is a great thread and makes me feel less alone!! I'm 14 months out and while I have some great days, I still have some waves, panic and 'aloneness'.  Yesterday was one, and for the first time, I let myself cry (I've been too scared to allow that prior thinking that crying would truly break me).  Well, id didn't bread me yesterday and Faery hugs and love to you;  I hope you're feeling a bit better.  We just have to find the good bits along the way, and sometimes that's near impossible.   

 

What I did realise from yesterday, was that I had let myself become deydrated.  I'm part-time driving on a split shift, so hydration can be a bit tricky.  And it didn't get better after food, drink, or a walk!  But it did get better with some sleep and then careful hydration today (thankyou coconut water ), and a walk that synched it....  I'm starting to feel a little more human and hope it stays for a while.

 

Sharing is caring;  thanks to all on this thread and keep on keeping on xxx <3

[[Fa...]]

Thanks Kristina...glad you are feeling a little better today but sorry to hear you have been suffering for so long We really have to try to take care of ourselves the best we can even when we don't feel like it. Dehydration can be dangerous. I have been drinking water all day every day thinking it may start to help eventually. I have been crying a lot lately but it doesn't give the relief it used to tho.

[[Re...]]

Thanks Kristina...glad you are feeling a little better today but sorry to hear you have been suffering for so long We really have to try to take care of ourselves the best we can even when we don't feel like it. Dehydration can be dangerous. I have been drinking water all day every day thinking it may start to help eventually. I have been crying a lot lately but it doesn't give the relief it used to tho.

 

Yes, why is that crying no longer feels like a release? Now it just feels like a hysterical fit that only produces flu symptoms and loads of snot. It feels like a vestigial bodily function and waste of tissues. Perhaps it's because I'm crying so frequently... too much of a good/bad thing? My heart breaks for all of us in this suffering.

[[Fa...]]

It really does feel like we are begging and pleading for our lives back and no amount of tears will change what we are going through  :'( Just had a bad storm here and the power is out not gonna be a good night either I'm afraid!

[[Rx...]]

Oh my.  Power out.  All you need on top of this.  So sorry to read. 

[[Kr...]]

You will come right Faery;  for not using this poison too long but just long enough to be affected, I doubt you'll go on for as long as me!! (i'm 62 and if I take into account what I put in my mouth in the 80's the Chemo I had after that, and then 5 years of Zopiclone, that's a whole lot of chemicals).  But rebalancing the brain is a slow process - try to distract and keep a 'full moon diary' i.e. your symptoms last month compared with this month xxx

[[Fa...]]

Thanks Kristina...wow it really sounds like you have been through a lot I'm sorry you are still struggling and I wish you all the best in your recovery! You're right it really is a slow process! That's a good idea to keep a diary of symptoms. Even though we may feel like we aren't getting any better we actually are its just little by little. It's hard to take life day by day when you don't know how the next one will go but time is the only way out! 

[[SS...]]

it is heart breaking to know all the suffering that is going on - and how it never should have been - with these medications not being intended for use beyond 2 weeks..... i imagine some people would have found a way to get it without a prescription but many of us would not have .....

 

i decided to go on the family vacation and it turned out to be a bad decision.  for the weeks leading up i debated the pros and cons but it turned out to be much more difficult than i ever imagined.  the symptoms don't stop simply because you've changed locations..... i had hoped being around people i love would provide real distraction but instead i have sat and endured watching everyone with their coffee all morning, watched people drinking alcohol from lunch onward, as night time approached - the anxiety worsens as i realize the other 8 people will be going into their bedrooms and sleeping meanwhile i sit wide awake all night - without a TV in my room and for the first 4 days - the internet was broken - so - try keeping busy for 24 hours a day with no internet........no DVD player..... the view of the lake has been peaceful but the demons in my brain remain very much with me..... so - i will be very glad to get home.  thursday is 8 weeks and in the beginning i looked at that time marker as if it was going to be the beginning of living again - all the big benzo withdrawal websites mark that as the end  - particularly for short term use but from what i am reading  - that is not founded in any reality..... of course i pray relief comes soon

[[Fa...]]

SSR1975...so sorry to hear that your vacation isn't going well It's hard to be surrounded by ppl who are living normal lives while we are stuck in this mess! I was really hoping by now to be feeling better too but that's just not the case very often as I'm now realizing. Maybe you will have a big improvement after 8 weeks I will hope that you do!! I pray for relief soon as well!

[[Re...]]

SSR - I'm so sorry you are suffering on your vacation. It's a special kind of torture watching others enjoy their lives at this time.

 

Faery - How is your brain treating you today?

 

Sending love and healing to all our brains.

[[Ch...]]

You're not alone, Faery. Today was the first day of school (I'm a teacher). I slept 0 hours and had to get up in front of 5 classes and introduce myself. I had a breakdown in the shower this morning, and I don't know how I got through it and how I will do it again tomorrow. We are warriors everyday. I'm trying to focus on the good: even with no sleep I was better focused and more energetic than when I was on Ativan (all year last year). It's hard to stay positive, but I keep searching. You are going to turn a corner soon, I know it. Much love and peace to you.

 

My heart is with you today and every school day while you are going through this process, Markidee.

 

I taught K-5 for 35 years and know it's hard enough to face the first day of school on a great day.  Once the first week is over, things will start to ease up.

 

You are incredibly strong.  Stress is going to be harder to manage, but the distractions of the school day will help you forget some of your symptoms.  Stressful days won't slow your healing, but be sure to practice self-care on non-school days.  Let yourself do the minimum to get by at home.

 

Take care... I know you feel like hell, but you can do this. 

[[Fa...]]

Red...not so good I'm afraid how about u? Been having sinus pain again for the past 2 days. It was gone but back again now. I took my daughter to get her class schedule and they said they don't have them ready and to call back tomorrow Was hard enough just to get there once and now we have to go back again! Went to the grocery store and got a few things we needed. Was super hard to focus on anything I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible! This can't go on I have so many things I have to do and I can't neglect my responsibilities as a parent any longer. I have to find a way to fight thru it somehow! Just don't know what to do anymore I hope you are having a better day than I am

[[Ch...]]

Red...not so good I'm afraid how about u? Been having sinus pain again for the past 2 days. It was gone but back again now. I took my daughter to get her class schedule and they said they don't have them ready and to call back tomorrow Was hard enough just to get there once and now we have to go back again! Went to the grocery store and got a few things we needed. Was super hard to focus on anything I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible! This can't go on I have so many things I have to do and I can't neglect my responsibilities as a parent any longer. I have to find a way to fight thru it somehow! Just don't know what to do anymore I hope you are having a better day than I am

 

I remember this, too.  I felt like a deer in the headlights, if that makes any sense.  Everything was too stimulating, fluorescent lights were torture, there were too many decisions to make, etc...and I even abandoned my grocery cart and fled to my car once. 

 

This was an acute but fairly short issue, as were avoiding driving and agoraphobia, and seems to be relatively short-lived for most people.  I hope it's reassuring to know that most of us experience these difficulties for a little while and then they diminish and finally disappear.

 

 

[[Fa...]]

Challis...thank you yes that is reassuring! I considered leaving the store but I knew that wasn't an option. Saw some people I know there and that made it even harder. They asked how I was doing and of course I lied and said "ok". That's so far from the truth was hard to even utter those words! Then they went on to complain how stressful their life is and I just kept thinking I wish those were my only problems!!! I'm glad to hear that this part is only temporary. I have been driving only cuz I have no other choice but it's hard still. I just hope something gets easier very soon! Maybe trying to get back into a normal routine will help me somehow I just don't know tho. It may end up being too much for me to handle. Is it really obvious when you get past the acute phase or just sort of gradual? Thanks.

[[Re...]]

Red...not so good I'm afraid how about u? Been having sinus pain again for the past 2 days. It was gone but back again now. I took my daughter to get her class schedule and they said they don't have them ready and to call back tomorrow Was hard enough just to get there once and now we have to go back again! Went to the grocery store and got a few things we needed. Was super hard to focus on anything I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible! This can't go on I have so many things I have to do and I can't neglect my responsibilities as a parent any longer. I have to find a way to fight thru it somehow! Just don't know what to do anymore I hope you are having a better day than I am

 

I'm so sorry it's another bad day and the responsibilities are piling up. You are doing the best you can and from where I'm sitting you're doing a great job. I feel lucky that I'm able to neglect responsibilities right now and let my partner take care of things. So far today I was able to get water and apply my nicotine patch. I'm not sure I can do more than that. I feel pathetic.

[[Fa...]]

Red...I'm slowly learning that anything we can accomplish is a huge step! Are you still doing ok with the patches? I haven't even attempted quitting yet so you are way ahead of me in that respect! The kids have been fighting all day like physically hitting one another and screaming and crying and it's all too much. Maybe next week I will have a little more peace of mind to try to take it on but right now it's all I can do to keep myself remotely sane! We all feel pretty pathetic right now I'm sure. It will pass! I have to get the kids to help me with cooking and chores but they're tired of it now and I don't know how I will manage doing everything again on my own but all we can do is try our best for now. One day at a time!!!

[[Re...]]

Red...I'm slowly learning that anything we can accomplish is a huge step! Are you still doing ok with the patches? I haven't even attempted quitting yet so you are way ahead of me in that respect! The kids have been fighting all day like physically hitting one another and screaming and crying and it's all too much. Maybe next week I will have a little more peace of mind to try to take it on but right now it's all I can do to keep myself remotely sane! We all feel pretty pathetic right now I'm sure. It will pass! I have to get the kids to help me with cooking and chores but they're tired of it now and I don't know how I will manage doing everything again on my own but all we can do is try our best for now. One day at a time!!!

 

The patches are great! Honestly I think my "willpower" to not smoke is really just the intensity of my agoraphobia. I can't even stand the thought of going to the porch to have a cigarette where I might run into other people. I'm fearful that someone will attack me or at the least that I will not be able to interact or come across as intensely insane. I know this isn't true but I'm not able to get past the fear right now. I'm so sorry about the chaos in your home! I'm sure all the squabbling is making things feel worse. I'm sending love to you, your brain, and your kid's brains. I hope they tone it down soon. One day at a time, one moment at a time, we will make it through this misery. xoxo