Does anyone else feel like a shadow of a person, soul-less and lost?

[[Li...]]

Today is a really strange day. One of those days that makes me realize that I have no idea who I am. Likes/Dislikes, how I feel about certain things. I couldn't summarize it or make a list, I find myself attempting to steal from other people, trying to decipher what I agree with, rather than actually compiling my own thoughts. It's really weird, like I have no soul or personality and I'm trying to replicate what I enjoy in other people, or relate to.

 

It almost feels like I'm sort of chameleon that is ever-changing, but doesn't actually have a true mental form of his own.

 

I used to feel so comfortable and confident, I just had this subconscious certainty on who I was. It was never anything that I ever questioned, but I find this being an almost daily routine these days.

 

I'm sorry if this is a little out there, it's just something that I've noticed that I've been struggling with and I can't help but wonder if this has to do with withdrawal or if it's a personal issue.

[[wa...]]

I have always had a good amount of what you are describing.  The difference now is that I am sort of accepting myself  with this fragmented self and find I don't need to let everyone know what I think or feel all the time.  I'm trying to figure it out (in my old age).  I withhold so much now thinking that I am just getting more repressed and suppressed but in actuality I am preferring to keep my own counsel quite a bit while I am figuring out who I am.  Does this make sense?

 

I used to admire people that were Zen -like -- didn't seem to need to struggle with themselves and had confidence.  I'd like to be like that someday.  WBB

 

[[Co...]]

It's a withdrawal issue, and will get better.  I have these feelings too, constantly.  It feels as though my sense of self is diffuse and amorphous - no boundaries between my consciousness and the rest of the world.  I simply don't know who I am.  And equally distressing, I have no sense of connection with God or spirit, however you'd like to imagine it.  I feel lost. 

 

My guess is this results somehow from the combination of DP/DR and the damage to our memory.  To me, this sensation seems sort of lumped together with a lot of the stranger effects of the benzo damage - the "Rip van Winkle" feeling, the irrational fears and obsession with death and aging, the non-stop DP/DR, the intrusive memories....  all the nasty psychological sh**.  I was like you - I always felt comfortable and confident, with a subconscious certainty of who I was.  We'll be that way again, I'm sure of it.  I had a two hour window last week, and felt like myself again.  It was amazing, and proves to me that it's withdrawal and not permanent. 

[[Re...]]

Yes! You described this very well. I never felt this way before benzos. Right now we don't recognize ourselves because our brains are damaged. I'm also experiencing dissociation- derealization/depersonalization. This only compounds the feeling of having lost myself. We will feel like ourselves again once we are healed. You're not alone and this is a normal feeling in recovery.

[[pi...]]

Today is a really strange day. One of those days that makes me realize that I have no idea who I am. Likes/Dislikes, how I feel about certain things. I couldn't summarize it or make a list, I find myself attempting to steal from other people, trying to decipher what I agree with, rather than actually compiling my own thoughts. It's really weird, like I have no soul or personality and I'm trying to replicate what I enjoy in other people, or relate to.

 

It almost feels like I'm sort of chameleon that is ever-changing, but doesn't actually have a true mental form of his own.

 

I used to feel so comfortable and confident, I just had this subconscious certainty on who I was. It was never anything that I ever questioned, but I find this being an almost daily routine these days.

 

I'm sorry if this is a little out there, it's just something that I've noticed that I've been struggling with and I can't help but wonder if this has to do with withdrawal or if it's a personal issue.

 

Don't apologise bud, its not out there. I have days like this alot. A few days ago I found myself "stuck" on the words people chose to use and how I could analyse them with it. And when I say stuck I mean stuck. I couldnt follow the thought-processes/concepts, only the words. Like I was watching a tv show.

 

Juxtapose that with the calm relaxed feeling of a window normal day and its a creepy thing to realise is happening. You are not alone. 

[[Su...]]

You've described how ive been experiencing myself in the last few months aptly. I most definetely feel like a soul-less lost shadow. I feel so unplugged and disconnected from things, I cant seem to experience any real joy or contentment. Im sure these feeling are related to brain damage, my concentration and memory are operating extremely below par, so its clear my cognition is not right at the moment. A lot of people on here seem to be in the same boat which suggests its purely a withdrawal symptom and not "you". I believe what others say that time will heal us, its just so much time.

[[He...]]

I felt everything you described during 7-8 months.

 

But once my normal thoughts and memory came back, I feel almost myself again

[[pu...]]

I felt this way but at 13 months, while still struggling and dealing with some symptoms, I feel likened again, I actually feel like a NEW ME, a better me. Hang in there I promise you it gets better. Do everything you can to live the healthiest life within your means and you will be rewarded.

[[He...]]

I felt this way but at 13 months, while still struggling and dealing with some symptoms, I feel likened again, I actually feel like a NEW ME, a better me. Hang in there I promise you it gets better. Do everything you can to live the healthiest life within your means and you will be rewarded.

 

I relate with you.

 

I feel me different. But its like Im correcting my negative part. And Im veru aware of my thoughts. I can find the thoughts that I had before and were negative.

[[bu...]]

Sometimes I don't even recognize myself.  Not only has my personality changed from being on these medications for so long, but I'm nowhere near the carefree person that I used to be.  I overthink things and stress about stuff that used to never cross my mind.  It's the benzo affecting your mind and causing your brain to be overactive.  You'll get back to yourself with time.

[[fi...]]

LiveAboveIt, I can identify exactly with you.  Sometimes I still feel like I have no emotion(s).

[[bl...]]

I felt the same way for quite a long time; like an empty shell. My husband even told me one day in month 4 or 5 that I had no personality left and sadly, he was right. I was just existing and taking up space. Eventually I started getting "me" back. It happened very slowly and in tiny increments. I would realize that I had an opinion about something or would find something funny and in time I returned to myself. Today I'm me again, even in the waves, which can be pretty brutal. The real you is still in there and will come out in time; just hang in there and it will get better.

[[Ma...]]

I got my personality back after I was completely med-free. It was like waking up thinking "oh wow - I am a person who loves flowers? ah..right... used to be like that.. now I am back".

More and more things came back with every day. And I started to love myself again.

 

You have taken the drugs away from your system. Its like a full re-start. But this can be a real chance, right?

Take an empty peace of white paper. Now its depressing because nothing is on it. But with the time, you can add things you like, things that are typical for you and give you feelings of joy. You will get to know your real self.

 

Don't be sad. This day will come for you, too..

[[pr...]]

Today is a really strange day. One of those days that makes me realize that I have no idea who I am. Likes/Dislikes, how I feel about certain things. I couldn't summarize it or make a list, I find myself attempting to steal from other people, trying to decipher what I agree with, rather than actually compiling my own thoughts. It's really weird, like I have no soul or personality and I'm trying to replicate what I enjoy in other people, or relate to.

 

It almost feels like I'm sort of chameleon that is ever-changing, but doesn't actually have a true mental form of his own.

 

I used to feel so comfortable and confident, I just had this subconscious certainty on who I was. It was never anything that I ever questioned, but I find this being an almost daily routine these days.

 

I'm sorry if this is a little out there, it's just something that I've noticed that I've been struggling with and I can't help but wonder if this has to do with withdrawal or if it's a personal issue.

 

 

withdrawal all the way. for a long time i called myself a "malfunctioned robot" as that was how i felt for a very long time and now i am finally coming for air a little bit. it's like holding on for dear life because i felt stuck on this other worldly existential plane of existence. all humans were so odd to me and i couldn't relate. everyone was stuck in their own minds and worlds and nobody was paying attention to the things that mattered. i still have trouble finding the spiritual centers of my brain. seems like it is still damaged. can't find the spirit in anything yet. although i keep looking.

[[Mu...]]

I feel like I am in constant mourning of the person I was before this catastrophe. It's like I can't accept that this is actually happening to me. I feel like a shell most days. I miss the way I was before so much.

[[pi...]]

I feel like I am in constant mourning of the person I was before this catastrophe. It's like I can't accept that this is actually happening to me. I feel like a shell most days. I miss the way I was before so much.

 

me too, this is very much me of late, its that whole melancholia feeling.....but remember that person is not gone forever, their away healing. They'll be back 

[[Mu...]]

Thank you for the reassurance, Pinky.

I hope this lets up for us all soon.