Had to updose and feel like a failure...

[Guest [re...]]

Hey everyone. I haven't been on here lately bc I've been so unstable. All day yesterday and last night I was delirious. My husband said I was mumbling incoherently and my eyes looked crazy. All night I was talking nonsense and jerking around in the bed. I don't remember doing this bc I was so miserable everything is a blur. I finally couldn't take the mental and physical torture anymore so I took 20mg of valium to get stable. I tapered too fast and now it's catching up to me. I went from an equivalent of 35mg of valium for 8 years to 4mg in 3 months. I was also drinking kind of heavy the last 2 years due to losing 4 close family members tragically those two years.  I don't want to give up. My plan is to start taking 10mg a day for a month and then reduce by 1mg per month until I get to .50 and then jump. I'm so upset  :'(. I hate that I couldn't keep going at the pace I was at but I was headed for the er and then the psych ward if I didn't. Any thoughts on my new plan or anyone who had to updose and show down it's very much appreciated. I feel like a complete failure.

[Guest [re...]]

I appreciate veteran advice too about this. Sending hugs to everyone.

[[Ca...]]

Hi, There is an updose support group with good info in the posts..

 

Setting a future plan by the callender and cut size can have a problem or 3..  I feel its much better to taper slowly by symptoms, perhaps a micro taper if possible...

First get as stable as practically possible on your updose... Dont rush that bit...

Our brains like to feel stable, so try to find the speed where healing matches your reducing medication intake... It wont be liniar, so will need adjusting as you go...

-as you learn to read your SX and any increases it will get easier...

You can always hold a bit, or a small dose correction if needed...

Start with small reductions, you can increase if all goes well for a while...

But remember to account for a cuts lag time, which can vary... -it all can vary..

 

As normal... -just MY thoughts...

 

Hope it goes well...

 

[[bu...]]

Updosing is not a failure.  It's simply an adjustment to you taper protocol.

 

The whole concept of tapering is to try to match your drug dose to your body's needs.  Sometimes an upward adjustment is needed.

 

This is medical procedure, not a  contest.

[[Iw...]]

How miserable-I'm so sorry.  This is what I would do and it may not suit you.  I would hold at your present dose until I was stable, however long that may be.  Then start your slow taper.  I would encourage you to take it very slow-give your brain a chance to catch up.  At this point I would only plan a day at a time. 

 

As for being a failure-those are the Benzos talking!  You aren't a failure, you are here and continuing to battle the beast!  You haven't quit just had a wake up call so to speak.  Your body was trying to warn you and you listened. 

This wears us out physically and mentally. 

I hope you have a better day today. 

Will be looking for you to see how you are doing. 

[[be...]]

Hi Red, you have been given excellent advice by Cant and Builder. I want to chime in and say that this is my third taper, because the first two I went too fast and cut too much. This third taper has been like night and day..it is doable and I am functional. If I had not up dosed two times, I would not be here now and getting lower and lower. Funny but I do not feel like a failure and neither should you, make the adjustments and let your Brain heal and don't put a time table on when you think you will be off. Let it be, it will work out. I am testimony that we can be at the depths of hell and still we can go back up to a place we can handle. Hang in there and Stay Strong and make a plan that is doable and will not bring you back to the brink of despair. This can be hard if we do not listen to our body and be gentle with our Brain. Always the Best.

[[Iw...]]

RedPeach

 

I meant to hold at the level you updose to.  I may not have been clear.  Again, you listened to your body /symptoms and that is never a failure. 

[[Ca...]]

Hi Red, you have been given excellent advice by Cant and Builder. I want to chime in and say that this is my third taper, because the first two I went too fast and cut too much. This third taper has been like night and day..it is doable and I am functional. If I had not up dosed two times, I would not be here now and getting lower and lower. Funny but I do not feel like a failure and neither should you, make the adjustments and let your Brain heal and don't put a time table on when you think you will be off. Let it be, it will work out. I am testimony that we can be at the depths of hell and still we can go back up to a place we can handle. Hang in there and Stay Strong and make a plan that is doable and will not bring you back to the brink of despair. This can be hard if we do not listen to our body and be gentle with our Brain. Always the Best.

Guys, Meet Begood... -A great example of getting a difficult taper RIGHT...!!

[[Su...]]

Hi RedPeach,

I inadvertently updosed due to math problems with the micro taper liquid. ugh!.  Not only did i feel like a failure, but quite stupid as well.  Turns out it was a very good thing for me to do as my body needed that time, and the "extra" medicine to find it's own stability again.

 

So updosing is wise at times, a  very very good thing for us to do.  It can be hard to take in this linear thinking world, but it sure helped me a lot!  This isn't a linear process.....sigh.  This forum will validate that a lot, the non-linear aspect of it all.....

Hope you are feeling better soon, you received some very good advice from folks who are much further along than me.....

SS

[Guest [re...]]

Thanks so much to everyone! I am crying right now, but in a good way because I'm so moved at how people you never met before can give you such caring support. I'm done living my life by a calendar! I'm done with being impatient, that's not going to work in this scenario. I've been telling myself that going too slow will prolong the addiction. From here on out, I'm going to listen to my body and stop cutting when I'm sick. I've been housebound since I got to 7mg. This way clearly isn't working. If I get back to 10mg and take it slow like I should have from the beginning, I could have had a life the last 2 months. Thanks again for your replies, it means so much. Hugs to everyone and I wish us all continued healing and happiness 

[[Ma...]]

Thanks so much for your honest, vulnerable post. It meant a lot to me, as I too have had nights like the one you described. I also have flirted with alcohol from time to time in desperation and have been to the ER and psych wards. As others have said, you are not a failure. You're a warrior. This is a long, difficult process, and you're doing your best. This too shall pass. Much love.

[Guest [re...]]

Thanks so much for your honest, vulnerable post. It meant a lot to me, as I too have had nights like the one you described. I also have flirted with alcohol from time to time in desperation and have been to the ER and psych wards. As others have said, you are not a failure. You're a warrior. This is a long, difficult process, and you're doing your best. This too shall pass. Much love.

 

Thank you so much Markidee! This forum is the only place I can be so vulnerable and raw about my feelings because no-one else understands. I'm sure you get it. Congratulations on getting off these horrible pills, I'm sure you went through hell doing it so quickly!! I can't imagine how horrible that must have been. You're the warrior, my friend. I'm the fuzzy just trying to make it to the end. Hugs to you 

[[...]]

Redpeach: You listened to your body and did the right thing.

It's not a failure to updose to where you can have some kind of life,

 

I did taper to fast in the beginning and it was a nightmare. Still is.

Now I'm holding on this dose, listening to my body and foggy brain. I'm in no hurry.

This is not a contest. 

I hope you will get stable now on this dose. Stay on it as long as you need the microtaper.

Stay strong and do hold on 

 

[[be...]]

Hi Red, you have been given excellent advice by Cant and Builder. I want to chime in and say that this is my third taper, because the first two I went too fast and cut too much. This third taper has been like night and day..it is doable and I am functional. If I had not up dosed two times, I would not be here now and getting lower and lower. Funny but I do not feel like a failure and neither should you, make the adjustments and let your Brain heal and don't put a time table on when you think you will be off. Let it be, it will work out. I am testimony that we can be at the depths of hell and still we can go back up to a place we can handle. Hang in there and Stay Strong and make a plan that is doable and will not bring you back to the brink of despair. This can be hard if we do not listen to our body and be gentle with our Brain. Always the Best.

Guys, Meet Begood... -A great example of getting a difficult taper RIGHT...!!

TY TB

[[be...]]

I think if everybody who updosed here left the site, there would probably be about 10 members here. Nothing to be ashamed about at all.

[[Ma...]]

Don't feel bad about the updose.  Great advice from builder.  I am now at 10 mg Valium--updosed after tapering too fast, caught myself just before decending into "hell", as I had a prior horrible withdrawal.  When we get back from vacation, I am goig to cut .5 per month.  I don't care if it takes me 20 months to jump.  Will go as slow as a turtle to avoid horrible symptoms.

Take care and stay strong.