2 months off now. Not much to celebrate regards to improvement but here they are

[[un...]]

I am now two months free of Ativan and all meds. First month I only had around 8hrs total sleep (with stage one sleep I didn't register).  This month I am at a total of 14hrs. Percentage-wise that is a pretty big improvement but it is a ridiculously low number.  Can't function on this. 

 

My other symptoms that haven't changed noticeably: anxiety, depression/anhedonia, head pressure and burning brain, numb face.

 

I started up with a new symptom of chest pain about a week ago. Feel it when I inhale deeply. Don't know if this is anxiety or another neuropathy or what is going on. 

 

The only symptom that has improved greatly is GI pain. 

 

In summary, I am a total mess still. With not much to give me hope other than survivors' stories. 

 

[[Fa...]]

I am just over two months free and most of my symptoms still remain the same as well. Sorry you still aren't getting much sleep...insomnia is one of my worst problems too I almost feel like if I could sleep more I would be much more capable of dealing with all the other issues. I am very much a mess still too. Hoping things get better for you really soon!

[[un...]]

Thanks Faery,

 

How much sleep are you getting? It is madness. I think my other symptoms would also be much better if I was getting regular sleep. "Wishing out the days." You quoting Pearl Jam there? 

 

I think I will go bonkers if I don't get any relief in the next couple months.

[[Fa...]]

Yes that is a Pearl Jam reference...waiting for my normal life to Come Back!!! It's hard to judge how much I'm sleeping due to the fact that once I wake up I ignore the clock now at all cost and lay in the bed as long as possible until I just can't take it anymore lol. In the beginning I had several nights with no sleep at all so I guess it has improved slightly maybe a few hours per night which compared to your circumstance I don't feel is that horrible after all! Sleep was always the one thing I looked forward to and to have this insomnia go on for so long just feels relentless! Everyone seems to agree that once sleep returns you are close to being healed so it is still going to be a while for me I'm afraid I hope that things get better for you really soon I know how miserable it can be! I have tried several OTC sleep aids and even seroquel and nothing seems to really help so now I'm just sticking it out and praying for the best! I will be thinking of you!!!

[[un...]]

Thanks again Faery. Knew it was Pearl Jam... I love them and have seen them so many times. They have a song for every emotion/experience. I hope to "Come Back" soon. I am having less zero nights last two weeks but I never seem to get over 2hrs. From Wednesday to Friday I had 3 nights in a row of 1-2hrs. That is my first streak yet! Hope this is a sign of things to come. I have small windows where my head pressure is slightly less. Mood-wise anxiety eases very slightly but anhedonia is strong. Like I don't have emotion - can't feel joy or laugh. Do you have this? Really looking for things to bring back my brain online. I used to be a very emotional and passionate person but feel erased. 

 

Another good Pearl Jam quote for us would be "I won't lose my faith it's an inside job today."

[[Fa...]]

I love inside job... "How I choose to feel...is how I am" So wish that were true right about now! I'm really feeling In Hiding, I Got Shit and Hold On!!! I think any improvement in sleep is a good sign and I'm hoping for us both that it continues to get better! I had the lack of emotion as well couldn't even cry in the beginning just felt numb. Now I do cry...sometimes a lot! But still don't rly experience any happy feelings. I can fake it tho but it really sucks! This really does take everything away from you I'm usually very emotional as well but I just feel screwed up completely now. It will all go away in time...just not sure how much time!

[[un...]]

It definitely is a long road through Hell. Gotta hold on tight and stay positive when you experience any changes. You weren't on drugs long and no ADs? Guessing you should be fine. My drug history would probably kill a bear. Guess I am lucky I am not twitchy or hallucinate. Gotta look at positives. I watched the "Gleason" doc and it puts things into perspective. Things are horrible but could be worse. 

 

So you are a big Pearl Jam fan too. That is awesome! I have been in Ten Club since 1995. Life Wasted, Pendulum, and Given to Fly resonate with me right now as well as the songs you mentioned.

 

Hopefully we will see things clearer once this is in our rearviewmirror.

[[Fa...]]

I can't wait to put all of this in my RVM too! Yes I have been a fan for a long time and a 10C member but couldn't afford to keep up the membership tho. I wasn't taking meds long only about 6.5 weeks (no ADs) but it doesn't seem to matter as I am still suffering greatly. I have taken other meds in the past but not long term. I saw your history but from what I have read on here long term use of meds doesn't always equate to long term suffering. There's just no way to know for certain unfortunately. Sometimes think I don't even want to know what the future holds if this is going to continue for much longer! You are right tho things could always be worse...I am dealing with other health issues and concerns right now too so that makes it especially difficult. I really hope things start to look up soon for us both! You were only on Ativan short term right? I've been trying to look at the positives too but it's hard tho. Btw Pendulum is my fav from LB  and I have a GTF tattoo!

[[MT...]]

Living with flattened out emotions is tough. I started having breakthrough emotions like bits of legit laughter, being able to feel moved, and the like at around 3 months and I was an extreme case. You're getting closer to when folks start getting more relief. I know 2 hours of sleep feels like nothing and you're exhausted all of the time. Still, those two hours are precious. Even after my worst nights I try to first thing express gratitude for the rest I got (if there was no sleep) or for the bits of sleep. That seems to make my day go better than when I start it off with strings of profanity and railing to myself and God about how this is impossible and cruel.

[[al...]]

Yes that is a Pearl Jam reference...waiting for my normal life to Come Back!!! It's hard to judge how much I'm sleeping due to the fact that once I wake up I ignore the clock now at all cost and lay in the bed as long as possible until I just can't take it anymore lol. In the beginning I had several nights with no sleep at all so I guess it has improved slightly maybe a few hours per night which compared to your circumstance I don't feel is that horrible after all! Sleep was always the one thing I looked forward to and to have this insomnia go on for so long just feels relentless! Everyone seems to agree that once sleep returns you are close to being healed so it is still going to be a while for me I'm afraid I hope that things get better for you really soon I know how miserable it can be! I have tried several OTC sleep aids and even seroquel and nothing seems to really help so now I'm just sticking it out and praying for the best! I will be thinking of you!!!

 

I learned that waiting for your normal life to return, or for something bad to go away, denies the present and for better or worse, we are always in the present. What you want to do with that realization is up to you.

[[Fa...]]

I have come to realize that and really trying to practice acceptance but it's hard when you have to put everything on hold I guess