Hindsight 20/20

[[je...]]

I had planned to quit adderall first cold turkey and then taper Etizolam from 4 mgs daily but last Saturday post Addy-crash I flushed about a hundred bucks of the little bastards with the determined mindset that I want the suffering over with. Since my use has been short term and not super high doses I couldn't stand the thought of continuing on with it for another couple months or two do a fast taper and then be back in another form of withdrawal. I'm kinda an all or nothing person, unfortunately. Guess that's what got me here. I also suspected I would take more for the adderall crash the first few days to feel better and become more dependent than I already am. I also felt that due to my feelings as of late towards life itself and knowing what is in store, I did not want a large amount of any type of pills around.

 

Day 1 and 2 felt like Adderall crash but times 2 on the brain fog and felt rather delirious. Had congestion, killer headache, major digestive issues, frequent urination, numbness all over. All I could cope with.

 

Here's where I believe I made a HUGE mistake. I think if I'd ridden the fatigue out the benzo withdrawal would've been like a parallel ride with the Addy crash, thus letting me sleep through much of it. I do imagine, as Ive read, that etiz has a shorter withdrawal time frame than a real benzo and I would have been okay.

 

Yesterday I was dizzy, foggy and so weak I could barely shower and I just wanted the fog to clear so I took a modafinil around 10 am. This has completely eliminated the addy withdrawal and kicked me full blown into etiz w/d mode. Haven't slept a wink despite taking 100 mgs of doxylamine last night. Just amped up like I'm on adderall except without ANY of the pleasant effects, euphoria, etc. and add in a shit ton of unpleasant ones.

 

I have to go back to work on Thursday and I'm panicking because if I don't sleep between now and then I'll be too mentally unstable to work. This is, of course,  making my anxiety skyrocket and not helping the insomnia now. Typical anxiety vicious cycle.

 

I don't know the point of my post as Ive been searching relentlesly for Insomnia cures, except that if anyone is ever stupid enough to quit these similar two demons cold turkey at once like me, (and if I were on a traditional benzo, on it longer or at higher doses I don't think I would have been so hasty) I would highly recommend not taking any kind of stimulant and that adderall crash might have worked in my favor.  I could be totally wrong though and still be in the same boat no matter what I did.

 

On a positive note, I know this will pass and after spending most of today and yesterday reading about how our brains work, how drugs work, why we get withdrawals, etc. I have a great deal of newfound respect for my brain and what it is capable of doing and healing itself despite all the abuse I've thrown at it. (And there's been a lot of abuse, this has just been the most recent stop on the addiction train).

 

 

 

 

[[je...]]

Sorry, withdrawals also seem to include for me rambling and obsessing over stuff and writing a novella here.  I guess I just needed to get some of that out of me and was a bit hyped up feeling this morning. Tried to delete but there's no take-backseys.  Have had major anxiety today that actually feels like a burning knot in my chest. Trying melatonin tonight and made myself walk since so many have said how exercise helps big time.