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Withdrawal rollercoaster. Feeling like you make no progress whatsoever. Anyone?


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I don't know if I can really call it withdrawal. One night I can take 20 mg Valium and fall asleep.

 

The other night, I'm so emotionally upset that I can't imagine falling asleep on less than 30 mg Valium. I fall asleep crying. Then I wake up (after 2-3 hrs!) and start to cry. I feel I will not fall asleep on less than 20 mg Valium. So I first try to take 20 mg, then I lay awake. I take another 10 mg.

 

And so my Valium intake alternates between 20, 30, 40, 50, 60 mg a night. Pdoc says would be great if I could get down to 10 mg and stay at that level. Been taking benzos for about 30 yrs, with 11 yrs interval from classic benzos (controlled "z" use).

 

Of course, with such irregular doses, I have terrible WD sx. I cannot touch V during the day, as I want to be active. V demotivates me and deprives of all energy. Work saves me from despair. To do even little things at home. To see any progress in the decluttering process I started about a month ago.

 

So when WD effects hit, I escape into Valium-induced sleep.

 

My main withdrawal effects are hot flashes and pain neck (I have severe discopathy, requiring surgical intervention). As I barely leave the appt., I'm not mentioning agoraphobia, social phobia etc.

 

I've suffered from insomnia and reversed circadian rhythm since I was a teen. Dysthymia, OCD, social phobia since the age of 16 due to severe parental abuse (probably?).

 

I want to taper V, but I don't feel like I'm making any progress. The only progress I've made since 2014 was getting off of Ambien during 8 days' forced hospital stay and not taking V for any other purpose than sleep. I have social phobia, but since I neither work nor socialize, I don't need V for anxiety. It does not help my extreme OCD.

 

Thought about setting up a progress log. But what progress am I going to talk about in there? Increasing my Prozac? Withdrawing more and more from the real life? Cancelling pdoc's appointments all the time? Staying up all night? Don't have hot flashes at night, that's a plus.

 

I would appreciate any feedback. I actually feel like a black sheep here.

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You're not the black sheep here.

I have been on up to 30 mg V/day.

I don't take it all at once (now on 7,5...for a long time)

If you can't sleep on 20 mg try not to take anymore.

I'm not a doctor but as you say since you take them some nights 20 mg some nights 60...then you will be unstable.

I know I was a wreck before doing a schedule to level out the V  in my system.

 

I'm sorry you feel so bad now. But maybe try to find a decent level of V and then start a slow taper from there.

I get depressed on V, as soon as I take my morning dose I get crying spells. Feeling that I can't control my emotions at all.

Many people get depressed by V.

V has a very long half life,  as Im sure you know.

 

So if it was me  I would start up with a dose that I felt comfortable with and then start the taper.

You have time, it's no hurry. My taper might take another year but I really don't care.

Slow and steady. Talk to your doctor about taper and then you have support here.

I have agoraphobia with panic attacks so I visit a therapist every week about that.

Not leaving my home much, pushing myself to get out and around at least 4-5 times/week.

Hot flashes yes! It's annoying.

 

You're not alone 💙

 

 

 

 

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Hi again Me2,

 

Thanks for your reply. Congrats on your taper  :thumbsup:

 

Well, the fact that you leave the house 4-5 times a week is like a miracle to me.

 

When I was working full-time before Valium (before 2014) I used to leave the house that much to go to work. Had a full-time job then.

 

Now I leave the house up to 2-3 times a month. To go to my pdoc for an Rx.

 

I gave up therapy. I always used to be in therapy for about 20 yrs.

 

The chief reason I constantly overdose on Valium are my emotions. Also the fear I will not sleep.

 

I'm very withdrawn and really talk only to ppl on this forum and my Kitty.

 

I have no kids. No contact with my parents. I don't want to interfere with the life of my friends or my therapist. I mean by calling them.

 

Haven't seen my ex-husband all this year. We used to be close. Divorced 5 yrs ago but remained friends.

 

He keeps calling, but I don't pick up the phone. He hurt me many times. I don't want to be hurt again.

 

My fault was that I did not want to go anywhere with him, cause of my agoraphobia.

 

He's also strange. Sobering alcoholic and drug addict since 2003 when we met. He's been sober since 2003.

 

He's got dual diagnosis, but he does not understand neurotic people like me.

 

We went together to AA meetings in a monastery once a week. It was great.

 

Haven't been there for a year.

 

Hugs, Estee

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Hello there estee,

You mentioned you have read the Ashton manual a couple times. It has a chart for tapering off 40mg of Valium. You could knock a couple mgs off every couple weeks and start you a progress log. That way you would be consistant and might start feeling better. I have found in my taper during stressful events and times it's hard to go to sleep to not "give in" by taking extra tablets. It has helped me in the long run.

Hope you get to feeling better!!

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Hey Pitchman11,

 

Thanks for your reply. Congrats on your taper  :thumbsup:

 

I think you're very consistent and disciplined in it, which is a great asset. My pdoc and a host of other pdocs called me "the most difficult patient".

 

Remeron is a very good AD when it comes to tapering benzos. Used to take it for 3 weeks. Slept much much better. Was calmer during the day. Unfortunately, I suffer from a severe ED, gained weight and pdoc let me stop it years ago.

 

When they let me out of hospital in Feb. 2016, after 8 days' stay, I was off Ambien, a "z" drug. I started abusing it terribly when I got on Valium in May 2014. In order to return back to my full-time job. I was too anxious to go back there.

 

I started with 2 mg Valium, ended up with about 100 mg Valium + about 10 Ambiens  for sleep in Feb. 2016.

 

During my forced hospital stay (suicidal ideation), they immediately took me off Ambien and started on 40 mg Valium. They tapered that amount to 20 mg during 8 days. The only additional med I took was a funny amount of AD Lexapro - 1,25 mg. I tapered Lexapro along with Seroquel (for sleep) since August 2015. In Feb 2016, my Seroquel intake equalled 0.

 

This is why in Feb. 2016, I ended up on such terrible amounts of Valium and Ambien. I CTed AP drugs "for sleep" after several decades of taking them. I was given them as a 16 yr old kid. Never helped much. I'm neither psychotic nor schizophrenic.

 

OK, I never touched Ambien after the hospital. But doubled my Valium intake during a month - from 20 mg to 40 mg. When I got home and could not sleep. They tapered Valium way too quickly - by 5 mg every second or third day.

 

Yeah, I have the Valium table from the Ashton manual in my native tongue in front of my eyes. Just beside my iPad. 1 mg every week, V taken twice daily (nightly - in my case).

 

I think my pdoc of 6 yrs doesn't want more from me. He said 3,5 mg every three weeks, but he's flexible. He's unaware I went up to occasional 60 mg/night binges after my recent emotional ordeal.

 

I have no guts to tell him. Got lots of packages of V from the last year, when I was able to fall asleep on 10 mg V/night. But I replaced the V addiction with a deadly addiction to some internet forum. I can only compare that addiction to heroin addiction. Never took any drugs. But I think heroin makes one neglect absolutely EVERYTHING in life. Like I did. I still cared about that 10 mg V after 12 hrs on the forum. And if the cat had water, food, litter changed.

 

Funny thing is. I took my last 20 mg Valium at 7.50 a.m. on July 1, 2017. 19 hrs later, I don't feel any V craving. I don't feel V cravings at night if I don't go to sleep and if I don't have any strong emotions.

 

I think I have this impulse control problem and I'm very self-destructive. Probably because of my childhood abuse.

 

I plan to get to know some ppl here. I'm looking for positive role models, who will motivate me to taper. Already got two in this thread. Haven't opened BB for a year, due to my addiction to that internet Facebook-type forum (100% worse than Fb).

 

We learn by imitating. I'm at the initial stage of learning to taper properly. Read hundreds of books on addiction in my life. Attented numerous AA meetings, addiction therapies etc. Here I am.

 

I used to be off benzos, using "z" drug Ambien in a very controlled manner, for 11 yrs (2003-2014). I don't know if a controlled benzo use is still possible in my case. As a sort of "harm-reduction". But 5 pdocs said it is. Including my current one.

 

Been taking benzos since 1998: bromazepam (till 2002), clorazepate (2002-2003), diazepam (2014-now). Plus "z" benzo - Ambien (1998-2016).

 

I think a progress log would be a good idea, making me grounded in reality. What I'm afraid of is lying and concealing the truth. AA taught me I only hurt myself by doing this. I was lying for many years and very slowly learn to be honest for my own good. As far as benzos are concerned. It's very difficult.

 

I no longer use denial - I'm not lying to myself. I'm heavily addicted and gonna suffer slow agony if I continue to go on like this. I became completely dysfunctional. I lost my job and the friendship with ex to benzos. I can still lose my appt., my financial independence and my life. I think my previous forum was a means to eacape from this bitter truth.

 

Take care,

Estee

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Estee,

When I was in tolerance withdrawal on Valium I think it was making me semi delusional. I was convinced I had either colon or stomach cancer because of the GI issues I was having and I lost over 15 pounds. I associated weight loss with cancer. I was having a very bad night 3 weeks before I started my taper. It took 60 mgs of Valium to chill me out and I felt good and I was drinking cappuccino at 3am. I decided to go to the emergency room that morning. I had terrible health anxiety and thought I had a bowel blockage lol....they did an X-ray on me, took blood work, checked me out and everything was fine. I realized then it's time to get off these benzos.As long as I've been around benzos I never knew what tolerance or interdose withdrawals were until reading about it on BB.

I know what you mean about the remeron. It was truly a life saver for me. Waking in cold sweats after 3 hours to sleeping 8 was a blessing.  The insomnia is about what broke me. I gained the 15 pounds back plus 5 more. I have to be careful about eating later at night though. My appetite is back.

i had to realize that benzos are the problem and makes the anxiety worse in the long run. I'm so glad to see light at the end of the tunnel. I've been in tolerance since day one and feel every little .25 mg cut but things are getting so much better the lower I go.

Sorry for rambling on but letting you know you aren't the only one without support, I have no family support. ZERO. believe me it's been hard on Christmas and Thanksgiving Day being in withdrawal.

I hope you can get a plan and a few goals and knock this Valium down a bit. I wish you the very best!!

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Hey Pitchman11,

 

You're not alone. So many ppl here to chat and try to solve problems, me included. I will never set up a blog. It would be too monotonous. But will come up with different issues.

 

I had many friends with whom I corresponded on my previous forum, but they did not know about my illness.

 

So I definitely feel less alone here. Though nothing replaces ppl IRL. Hope to get well enough one day to go to group therapy and AA meetings with ex.

 

Take care. Suffering unites ppl. I feel as though I were in some virtual detox center and it gives me a sense of security.

 

Estee

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Hi treesrgoodnkind,

 

Things will improve. You need time. Maybe you should consult a doctor about this BP thing. Some ppl are against propanolol and such meds, but they lower blood pressure. I always used 1/4 of 10 mg pill. It's non-addictive. Pdoc advised me to take it only in stressful situations, instead of benzos. Cause it controls shaking, sweating etc.

 

I may also take it at night if my heart rate is too fast cause of ADs.

 

Thank you for this great movie about benzos. Will definitely watch it in the afternoon. Cause now it's almost 5 a.m. CET here and I'm barely alive.

 

I'm in pain, you're in pain. Wish I could help you. I hate to see ppl suffer. So many ppl get well here.

I sometimes think it's sci-fi. But it's true. I was free from classic benzos for 11 yrs. So many things come back to normal. Brain needs a lot of time to heal, to start producing GABA.

 

Addiction, however, is a lifelong disease. That's why I relapsed, like so many ppl. My Kitty keeps me alive. Motivates me to fight. Apart from that, I'm in hell. This site is helpful. Stick to it. I'm here almost everyday. I treat it as a life-saver, cause I have no place else to seek help. My pdocs office and here. Pdoc is against polydrugging and we try to taper Valium.

 

I wouldn't be able to stay in a real detox center, so I go to BB - my virtual detox center.

 

Take care,

Estee

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Hi there again Estee ☺

So you did leave your home and went to work before Valium.

For  me valium really made my anxiety way worse, but I lied to myself and just got on higher doses. Stopped working out of my house when I hit tolerance withdrawal, never thought it was the benzo causing me to feel like the whole word was a scary place.

My husband said many times that I would taper, I refused...silly me.

We moved alot during a period of 8 years, I think I tried to "move from my problems" but it was me who was the problem, I can't move from myself😝

 

I totally crashed when our dog died, isolated myself from everyone, exept from my husband, mother and one close friend.

Lost my old Pdoc at the same time. Really thought that I would die and took valium like it was menthos for a while.

My husband forced me to take contact with a new pdoc and therapist.

Only to get there the first couple of times was like a near death experience, husband had to carry me into the doctors office  :sick:

 

The new Pdoc had me on xanax, because valium made my depression worse.

Well that did not work. Xanax took away all my feelings and I did get interdoce withdrawal very quickly.

Back on valium, then a huge cut ( not my choice ) I was in hell  for awhile everything was just like a nightmare.

Now I have another Pdoc and a great therapist.

 

Yes I force myself to go out, but sometimes/often just round the house. And some weeks I just can't push myself to go out.

Only to see my therapist or doc. Then home and crie, eat, laying on the sofa.exhausted.

 

I did go out when my mom was sick, to visit her of course. I saw her struggling with that f*cking cancer and she was so strong!

Then I felt that if my mother could fight like that while being so very ill ,  I had to stop being a pathetic sobbing valium victim.

After her death I really found myself in a black hole. Wondering why I should taper and feel miserable, why, why everything.

Good thing I have my husband and one really close friend. I don't speak to my family since they don't understand withdrawal.

I keep tapering although now I have been on the same dose forever.

 

I'm so sorry for youre suffering Estee, but I believe in you. You will go through this. No matter how long it will take.

If I could start my taper then you can. I've been on paroxetine for years and years it only made me worse the last year's.

Tried mirtazepine but got a bad skin reaction from it, slept like a log on them though.

Tried effexor and my anxiety went up 100%, lost weight, hair and could not sleep at all.

Now I'm on nothing else but valium, feeling "naked".

 

Good thing your on BB😊

I think you will be able to taper slowly, contact your ex and go to AA meetings with him soon.

Slow and steady you will get better.

I keep a journal just for myself, where I can go back and read my hysterical mood swings, grief, anger, windows, valium taper, paroxetine taper and so on.

 

This might be the longest ramble on BB ever  :laugh:

 

Hugs 💕

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hey Healthfirst,

 

Yes, it's very bad. I'm just trying to maintain the status quo, not escape into sleep and work around the house. Action saves me from despair. I even don't cry anymore. I just don't talk to anyone. Except here. Yeah, I talk to Kitty.

 

I forced myself to go on this forum to reply to a few kind ppl who wrote me. Unable to talk to my therapist. I don't pay her, so don't want to interfere with her life.

 

It's impossible to leave the house. I tell myself if I do the household chores and take care of Kitty, it will save me.

 

"Clean house is a clean mind" - someone wrote on this forum.

 

"If there's an order in all of this disorder, if it's like a tape-recorder, can we rewind it just once more." As U2 used to sing in "Wake Up Dead Man". Cannot listen to the music anyway.

 

I just feel an infinite sadness. Like the battle is lost. And WTH am I...

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Hi again Me2,

 

You're lucky to have your husband, close friend an that therapist. That's better then all the ADs in the world.

 

Yeah, I'm at the point where I could pay the pdoc to come to my appt. Only it's so cluttered after my one-year addiction to that Facebook-type forum, I would be ashamed to let anyone in.

 

I'm slowly trying to declutter, but every move is painful. I'm lethargic, easily tired, lack motivation.

 

Mirtazapine is great for sleep. Even the smallest amount. I used to take it for 3 weeks years ago. Gained some weight and had to stop. I have a severe ED. First it was bulimia during my studies.

 

Now anorexia. I refuse to take anything for sleep that makes me gain weight and CT it with no difficulties. That's why I could not take paroxetine. Scared the hell out of me after a few days on it.

 

Only Seroquel taper made me psychotic, though I have no BP or schizofrenia. But I used to take tiny amounts "for sleep" for years. I jumped from 1 mg and stopped sleeping at all.

 

Effexor XR (twice a day) was OK (if any AD can be), but I slept with the aid of tiny doses of APs and "z" drug Ambien. No classic benzos at the time. I was on 75-150 mg. It ruined my skin (acne) and I had to ditch it.

 

I was without classic benzos for 11 yrs (2003-2011), after my first taper following a twelve-year benzo use. I was with my husband at that time. Took tiny, controlled doses of "z" drug Ambien and two ADs, one after another. But most pdocs did not think Ambien was dangerous, as long as I was off classic benzos.

 

Worked full-time during 2005-2013. Had very good earnings and was quite accomplished professionally. The job was extremely dull.

 

I could not chose my professional path. Cause when I started studies I was severely ill and the only place for me was hospital. My parents thought a uni would be better. Denial. Having a dull job means there's a void in one's life. If one is creative and talented. But lacks strong will and perseverance to pursue their dreamed career. That can be very destructive. An individual starts looking for means to fill that void.

 

Took my first V on 24 May 2014, cause I was scared to go back to that work after 6 mos' psychiatric leave. Thought V would help. It made me completely unable to work. I graduated with honors from three faculties (took benzos, controlled, then) and worked for about 2 yrs also after my studies. Then around 2001, benzos started killing me.

 

I began to taper in 2002 and was free from classic benzos in Jan. 2003. Went to therapy for alcoholics for two years. I never was an alcoholic, but could not find a group for benzo addicts. Alcohol acts on GABA receptors, just like benzos. Met many ppl addicted both to benzos and alcohol there. Many have died ever since. Met my husband there and we both clang to AA.

 

AA is his lifeline to this day and he has managed to stay sober from alcohol, meth and pot since 2003.

 

As you can see, I can ramble on and on and on till I'm almost unconscious.

 

Yes, I should write down my feelings. Like in that "feelings journal". You know RET by Albert Ellis? My beloved psychologist. Still cannot read.

 

My addiction to that Facebook-type forum ended almost a month ago. After a year. Deleted my account. It was like heroin. I neglected absolutely everything, even Valium. Was down to 10 mg/night, absolutely indifferent. Lost the ability to read. Read one self-help book a week. I used to be a bookworm.

 

I saved my life and Kitty's life by deleting that account.

 

Sth tells me to hold on to BB. If I talk and talk about my addiction, maybe I'll finally realize WHERE I AM IN LIFE.

 

I woke in terror each morning before V on that 6 mos' psychiatric sick leave and my first question was: "WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MY LIFE?"

 

Then, having started V I could only escape into sleep and into numerous trials to end it all. Then I escaped into that forum for a year. Made me indifferent to everything except the forum itself.

 

I just wanna isolate so much. But sth tells me: "Open the damn BB and write if there is all you can do at present. You can write - so write, write write. If you stay with this alone, it will slowly kill you."

 

Kitty wants to live. I must live for Kitty.

 

Hugs,

Estee

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Hi again Estee  :)

Oh you are a writer, you should write down you're feeling in a journal and here!

I'm so glad you deleted that facebook thing.

One can tell you're a strong woman, really.

You have been through alot.

 

Yes I'm lucky to have my husband, close friend and therapist.

My husband is in London now, my close friend should have been here hours ago, she's stuck in traffic poor thing, driving for hours just to hold my shaky hand❤ Now I'm terrified that she will be in a car accident.

 

I'm curious about serquel. Many says that it will help them sleep. Then I look it up on you tube ad see horror stories.

I wish I had a doctor to call and ask to come home to my place.

That's not possible here, and maybe that's a good thing, I must leave the house no matter how sick I am.

 

Agree with you about having a dull job. I have had one job that was so boring that I fell asleep at my desk several times /week.

After that I had jobs I really loved. But now I work from home, when I can.

 

I'm so happy for you'r ex being sober since 2003. Much thanks to you I guess. And AA of course.

Albert Ellis yes, he's a true legend 💕 have to find one of he's books here, I have to many books al around the house, bookworm.

 

Try not to isolate, write here I really enjoy reading your texts.

Hugs /M

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Hey Me2,

 

I'm glad you enjoy my rambling.

 

You've been without ADs for more than a year. The brain needs a lot of time to heal.

 

I have no idea whether ADs do more harm than good. For some reason, you stopped paroxetine.

 

I was also trying to get off 5 mg Lexapro since August 2015. I was strongly influenced by a certain internet site. I will not mention its name cause I think this site can do a lot of harm.

 

I tapered Lexapro down to 1,25 mg in Feb. 2016. I also tapered Seroquel, which I had been taking since 2002.

 

All hell broke lose. I was psychotic and could not sleep at all after the Seroquel taper. I don't have neither psychosis nor schizophrenia.

 

I have dysthymia, OCD, social phobia, insomnia, ED etc. etc. And the resulting benzo addiction.

 

Landed in psych ward for 8 days (my 4th hospital stay). My OCD was out of control. Went on Prozac which helped OCD a bit. Did nothing to alleviate depression, maybe cause of Valium.

 

I used to take ADs for about 16 yrs. I'm sure all my brain chemistry is altered by them. For the worse or for the better? I don't know.

 

Took Seroquel since 2002 "for sleep". I hated this drug and still hate it. I was on tiny doses, like 12,5-25 mg. Made me gain weight (I have ED), caused brain fog. I was ecstatic while getting off of Seroquel. I will not touch an AP till the end of my life. Except maybe for phenergan, which is very mild and can be given to kids over 2 yrs old (closely related to Vistaril).

 

Phenergan causes depression the next day, but does not enhance appetite like other antihistamines.

It is also available in the form of syrup in my country. Perhaps depression caused by Valium is worse, don't know. It's just for sleep and allergy.

 

I wrote about my personal experience with Seroquel. Yours might be different. I hate APs, cause pdocs poisoned me with them for several decades and they did not help. Pdocs usually give an AD for depression and Seroquel "for sleep".

 

I always woke up 3 hrs after my nightly Seroquel dose. First had to eat half of the fridge. My ex, who once got Seroquel for psychosis and usually sleeps like a baby also woke like three hrs after a hefty initial dose.

 

Seroquel causes diabetes. I like sweets very much. But the amounts of sweets I ate on it were incredible.

 

Pdocs give it off-label for insomnia. I think it is for the treatment of BP and schizophrenia, together with some mood stabilizer.

 

If you have anxiety and panic attacks, maybe a mood stabilizer like Tegretol would be good for you. As a morning rescue pill. Maybe it would help you reduce Valium if you really want to and the morning dose makes you cry. I used to take a tiny dose of Tegretol with benzos during my studies and it calmed me down incredibly. It interacts with BC and may cause insomnia. You may ask your pdoc about it. It is also dangerous for red blood cells (regular tests needed) and interacts with almost everything.

 

I don't take V during the day. I wouldn't tolerate the depression, brain fog, lack of drive. It has a half-life of 20-100 [36-200] hrs, depending on the metabolism.

 

I try to use AC for hot flashes and non-addictive pain killers for pain neck (severe discopathy).

 

It's really a bummer that mirt did not work for you. Some ppl take a tricyclic AD Sinequan to taper benzos. It enhanced my appetite and gave me hot flashes. It's very calming and makes one sleep quite well.

 

There is also an AD called mianserin, but it's an older version of mirt. Plenty of this crap on the market, all equally ineffective.

 

If you are not afraid to put on several kilos, there could be some meds to discuss with your pdoc.

 

I flush down the toilet all pills that give me appetite. Seroquel was an exception for way too long. Maybe it could be effective for you.

 

Enough rambling. My pharmaceutical experience is illimited, except that I refuse to take anything after having taken everything possible. I just wonder how much this Prozac is screwing my brain. Cause I have no doubts as to Valium.

 

Hugs, Estee

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Just make the decision to start off at a consistent dose and go from there. Sure it's going to be difficult but to your advantage, you don't work so you can devote your time to this process. Good luck hope you take the next step and taper off Valium.
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Hi again Twowheelsonelove,

 

Thanks for reply and congrats on your taper  :thumbsup:

 

I'd rather start from 20 mg V dose, cause I used to be on 10 mg V for a long time and I take V only for sleep. I sometimes fell asleep on 20 mg V in the last month. Especially after having started to post here.

 

But as I suffer from insomnia, I have a terrible fear of not falling asleep, waking up in the middle of the night and reversed circadian rhythm. My "rescue dose" is then no less than 20 mg. By some magical thinking, I convince myself I will not fall asleep again on less than additional 20 mg.

 

That's why I'm talking about a rollercoaster. I have an impulse control disorder and have done the worst things to myself in my life.

 

I am unable to work since 2014. I used to work a full-time job beforehand for many years (while off benzos) and graduated from three faculties. Two were invented by my parents. I was very sick and on benzos then. Unable to take such important decisions. One was bearable, the other was hell.

 

The third was my dreamed faculty. I finished it during my benzo WD. But didn't write a PhD thesis cause the uni work guaranteed very little money.

 

I took up a very dull job in the office instead. With good earnings. But money could not fill the spiritual void and after a series of tragic life events, I returned to classic benzos 11 yrs later.

 

At least I receive some kind of Social Security pension which makes it barely possible to survive.

 

My Valium binges (escape from very strong feelings into sleep) have become very scarce. I can always write here. They are one of the worst things I ever did to myself in life. Started after I lost my job.

 

I loved working, was totally committed to it. Even with my dull job. I'm quite young, but cannot imagine coming back to work anymore. Unless a miracle happens. Miracles happen. Not in my life though, I guess.

 

Take care,

Estee

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Hey Healthfirst,

 

Guess I'm in acute. Having ditched that Facebook-type forum a month ago. It was my life. Finally forced to confront the horror my reality has become... through the Valium fog.

 

Another extremely traumatizing event in the meantime.

 

Need time to stabilize. No support network, except the forum, pdoc and my cat.

 

Dreams about reuniting with ex in the future. Some kind of friendship. We have the same goal: to be sober.

 

My fault. I'm the one who isolates. Compulsively. Only able to write here. Unable to call a therapist.

 

Still if I force myself to write here. Maybe it will get better. Just 1-3 posts a day. Even 1 post a day/every 2 days.

 

Take care,

Estee

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Estee,

I went off paxil/paroxetine because it didnt do anything good for me. Had taken it since the 90's same dose all along.

It did make me stable for a couple of years.  No agoraphobia or panic attacks.  But after those 2 years I just took it because I couldn't stand the awful withdrawal.

It was terrible to go of them, but I survived (obviously).

 

Mirtazepine really helped for the short period of time I took it. I could sleep for 10 hours, felt much better.

I wouldn't mind putting on weight since I'm very skinny. But I don't want to try out any new meds now.

Coping with withdrawal is enough. Serquel,,,I've read about it and it scared me.

 

Good thing you're not on serquel now. After so many years taking it.

I can understand how it must feel to face the reality when you ditched that facebook forum. It's easy to escape from reality in many ways.

I have a terrible headache today, like migraine . And very loud tinnitus. Sun is shining outside and I'm wearing sunglasses inside the house😎

 

You have stopped taking so many meds, I really think that once you're stable you will taper just fine.

Keep on posting.

Hugs /M

 

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Hey Me2,

 

Since you're very skinny, Tegretol would not be such a good solution. It further cuts appetite. It was an ideal med for my ED.

 

I understand you felt paroxetine was useless. That's how I often think about Prozac. But I wouldn't even dare to lower the dose. Increasing it does not make sense either. One pdoc thought I should be on 60 mg. 25 mg is my highest dose ever. I feel like crap.

 

Anyway, I have to take it for my OCD. And one very wise pdoc said I need antidepressants like a diabetic needs insuline.

 

My pdoc of 6 yrs thought I could go without SSRIs. We tapered Lexapro to 1,25 mg and my OCD went over the roof. It started when I was 16. At age 18, I was already hospitalized for OCD. No benzos then. I could not function. Anafranil saved my life. I can no longer stand its sx.

 

During my forced hospital stay in Feb. 2016, I had to wash cream tubes with soap and water in hospital. As I was in a room with psychotic and schizophrenic cases, no one understood what I was doing. They probably thought I was an alien. Even seeing dead people seems more "normal".

 

It was so humiliating. They finally got used to me spending several hrs in front of the washbasin in our room (the one for all the female patients was not functional). But for me it was a torture.

 

As I was confined against my will in that terrible place, I thought I'd use liters and liters of water as a revenge. 1,25 mg Lexapro then. Nurses often dropped this crumb on the floor and told me to eat it from the floor.

 

The floor was all covered with older schizophrenics' urine, cause nurses were too busy with chatting and TV to help them to the loo. And patients like me were too physically weak.

 

That's the reality of the main state hospital in my country.

 

Well, maybe that Sinequan would be good for you? No idea whatsoever. Or just V alone is the best solution. Seroquel with V would make you extremely lethargic.

 

Some ppl here were greatly helped by Gabapentin (for sleep). There's an equal amount of horror stories. Must do some reading about it and talk to pdoc on Wednesday. Though I'm sick of all the psych meds. Just like you.

 

Very bad day on every level. Will try to occupy myself with some household chores in order not to go insane.

 

No sun, which is bad. Aren't shades enough that you have to use sunglasses?

 

I use some almond oil, jojoba and vitamin E drops for tinnitus. Then put some hygienic stick in my ear. The best way is to put on earphones and listen to the music. But I'm in no mood to do it.

 

Wax earplugs are also good.

 

I think if I don't start doing sth around the house, things will get really really bad. Action saves me from despair.

 

Hugs,

Estee

 

 

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Estee: Your forced stay in a main state hospital sounds like a horror story.

Those nurses! How cruel and very humiliating for you 😔

 

Honestly from what I've heard and been reading the Swedish psychiatric wards are the same.

I tried to take  6 mg serquel (I know very low dose) 2 days ago, didn't feel lethargic at all,  only a bit numb in my head, unpleasant.

Gabapentin is really difficult to get from any doctor here.

It's dangerous and very addictive acvording to them. I don't think my pdoc would put me on that.

 

So I will sit and chew on my V and hope for the best.

Have to read about Sinequan. What it is.

 

Yes we do have shades, but my husband don't want to walk around in a dark house during the day. I understand him.

Have to try almond, jojoba and vitamin E drops for my tinnitus.  Thank you for the advice ☺

 

Hoping you feel better today.

 

Hugs 🌸🍃

 

 

 

 

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Dear Me2,

 

Some psychiatric nurses are very nice and compassionate. Some are mean. The same goes for pdocs.

 

I don't feel better, but I'm very task-oriented and stressed out. Must go out on Wednesday. Pdoc etc.

 

I keep on cancelling the appointments with pdoc cause of benzo-induced agoraphobia and avoidance probably.

 

Now they don't want to set up an appointment for me earlier. He's got tons of patients. Very difficult to get to him.

 

If I screw this Wednesday up, I'm finished.

 

Yesterday, I wrote three very long posts and several shorter ones on BB and fell into a coma for 4 hrs at 4 p.m. Without benzos. With Kitty as a sleeping pill. Kitty's in the avatar. My DSLR "masterpiece".

 

Once I start writing, I cannot stop. And time flies inexorably. I fall into this "flow" state, as this man with very difficult name (Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi) once put it.

 

House is a mess, I'm a mess. Must somehow prepare for this terrible outing.

 

Wait with this Seroquel to the appointment with your pdoc. This is not a good idea, IMO. I'm not a pdoc, but I've been taking Seroquel for 14 yrs.

 

Together with Valium, it could make you lethargic and demotivated. They always add AD to it. Only BP and psychotic cases cannot take it with an AD. Very serious AP, difficult to get off of.

 

I could not sleep on it anyway. Can't imagine taking it with an AD or alone. You're neither BP nor psychotic. Your Valium dose is not high.

 

Read about this Sinequan, I'll try to inquire pdoc a bit. I don't leave his office till he almost pulls me out the door. He was against me taking Seroquel for sleep. But I already took it when came to him 6 yrs ago. Always with different APs.

 

Gabapentin... don't know. Addictive for sure. These are all extremely dangerous meds, difficult to taper. Will ask pdoc. Must do research. It's always good to know what causes your sx.

 

Keep your fingers crossed for me on Wednesday afternoon. Hugs ❤️

 

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