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Missing Son's Band Concert and 8th Grade Graduation


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[36...]
Posted
It's pretty sad when I have to miss my own son's band concert and 8th grade graduation....I'm so sick and I'm his only parent-his father is deceased. I so need to be well for him. I have tried to be it all to him but now, have no means and am unable...
Posted

Try not to feel too guilty. You are doing the hard work of getting him his mother back. It's a rough ride that he may not understand now, but someday will be grateful for. There will be many good times to make up for the bad times, and it is the good ones that will stay with him for life. Aren't you glad that he will have a complete parent one day instead of a zombie getting through life on pills?

 

Always, always look for the positive. It may be very small, but it is there.

[36...]
Posted
Thank you pnut...I do want him to have me back in full...I must have been so naieve early on when taking meds; never even considered it as a bad thing...now, I have egg on my face in addition to suffering....I appreciate it...am hanging on for him
Posted
oh I am so sorry. I know exactly how you feel. I missed both my kids' concerts this year, and it broke my heart I couldn't be there. You have been there all the other years, and you will be there in future years... the best thing you can do for your son is to take care of yourself and get better... hugs to you  :hug:
[36...]
Posted
Thank you teegirl...yes, it's so hard...the worst of the destruction of these meds...loss of involvement/parenting
Posted
Awwww I'm sorry.. I know how hard it is, my heart breaks for my kids every damn day too. I went to my DD concert last week (you didn't miss much ssshhhh lol) I know what you mean though, just being able to be there for him.  When I went through this last time I missed all kinds of stuff, but they had their mom back and they were very happy about it. So hang in there, getting YOU back will mean more to him than you NOT being at ONE concert.
[36...]
Posted
Thank you Meems...it's heartbreaking...just need to survive this; I'm so bad off mentally
Posted

Thank you Meems...it's heartbreaking...just need to survive this; I'm so bad off mentally

 

It's sad that you had to miss but don't beat yourself up about it. You can only do what is possible right now.  I missed so very many events during withdrawal, I can't even begin to count them.  I could not do any of the things I loved to do and wanted to do. But you know, I can now and you will too. 

 

pianogirl  :smitten:

[36...]
Posted
Thank you pianogirl...I pray to make it through this; every day I wake up,  I don't want to go through the pain again..it's debilitating and exhausting
Posted
i'm so sorry, hardtocope- i know how bad that feels! my daughter's dad is very sick living in another city waiting for a transplant so in a lot of ways i'm her only parent. recovery has been tough and she's had to deal with me being very sick at times with something society doesn't understand, no other family around. i've discovered though that if i love her as well as i can even being this compromised, she can deal with a lot. so our house is a mess often and we get take out a lot and i often feel crappy- somehow it's enough and i'm able to keep going. you're still so early in recovery. it will get better--it really will.
[36...]
Posted
Thank you Gina...I'm sorry for your suffering too; you sound like a good parent..I just doubt my recovery daily b/c of all the pain...I honestly feel crazy and so defeated....thank you again for your encouragement.
Posted

My son is 20 yrs old now and I  am finally recovered well, 90% anyway. I don't think I will ever fully forgive myself for the years I missed while in tolerance withdrawal and all the years kindled. It's really only now looking back that I can truly grasp the magnitude of what I did. To myself, my husband, my son, my family. That's the toughest part of all of this for me to accept. I would gladly face another withdrawal if I could take it all back and start again from the get go.. It breaks my heart. My son suffers anxiety and depression now and I cannot help but feel that all those years watching me suffer somehow rubbed off on him and the disease spread. Spread right into my only child. What a tragedy, I hate that pdoc  that started me down the road of insanity and kept me there as she cashed each and every office visit check. Shame on her and big pharma for producing such a toxic chemical without warning trusting patients and above all else to them anyway, consumers.

 

Sorry if I am ranting, I guess I haven't put this issue to bed entirely. May some day I shall.

 

I hope this message finds you even just a little bit better than you were before.

 

Peace&love

Hope&Faith

[36...]
Posted
Thank you hopeandfaith....I feel that way too. I loathe myself daily for trusting and yet, I still find myself seeking relief knowing there is none in a pill. I have always been a naive person and really didn't know what I was getting myself into...never imagined there was a hell like this. I pray to hang on for my son...I have missed so much...I hope to survive this...really, today has been my worst day so far....
Posted

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I won't tell you it gets better, or easier or even that your children will understand because mine don't. To this day, they know what happened but somehow feel robbed of the mother he so desperately needed as a child. I'm more present now but the memories of days past are painful, for everyone around me. When I am reminded of those yesterday's I have no defense. I have to right to deny my family their own stories of how Benzos have impacted their lives. It's painful for everyone and it affects people more than we know.

 

Please Heavenly Father let there be a happy ending for all of us suffering through this horrendous ordeal. This has gone on long enough!

 

Peace&Love

Hope &Faith

[36...]
Posted
Thank you hopeandfaith....I appreciate your sharing..and the prayer...
Posted

I missed every single one of my middle son's track meets - 3 of which he actually placed 1st or 2nd. He was SO excited and REALLY disappointed I wasn't there. (I've not missed ONE single football, basketball, baseball game or school event of his up until this whole sh*t show started...)

 

All I can do is apologize to him and tell him I'm just so sorry that I don't feel well, but I'm fighting as hard as I can to get better. They just think their mom is insane (probably half true NOW), but they still love me.

 

But I'll be the first to say that when they were growing up (and I was in tolerance withdrawal for years!) that I wasn't as "present", joyful, giving lots of hugs, etc. I was probably much more rigid (because I couldn't take the absolute CHAOS of 3 boys running around) and easier to upset and I did my fair share of yelling like a crazy person. But I hope they know how much I have always loved them. They were probably my sole reason for living back them, and they made me immensely happy, even though I know I wasn't the best mom I could have been. But I've had to make peace with that. I've told my oldest son that I did the best that I possibly could with what I had to give.

 

I do whatever I can now to try and make up for it now by just being "present", "available" (as much I can considering my state of mind) and when I CAN go to things, I do try and go. If I can't, I can't. Parenting is hard, and nobody's perfect. My own mother was much like I was (she was a single mother and held it together as best she could) and I remember resenting her some when I was younger, but once I got out on my own, that all faded away. lol. I realized - oh my god - my sister and I LITERALLY almost drove her insane! We're very, very close now.

 

It will be okay. We'll all get through this. I'm fighting as hard as I can and so are you. And a primary reason is FOR our children!

[36...]
Posted
Thank you twinkle for understanding and relating....I feel I'm on my last leg; this is more than withdrawal-it's akathisia which I believe makes things so much worse....
Posted

Thank you twinkle for understanding and relating....I feel I'm on my last leg; this is more than withdrawal-it's akathisia which I believe makes things so much worse....

 

It makes it so much worse

 

 

[36...]
Posted
It does...had a meltdown today
Posted
For the damn kids YES!! I relate so much to what all of you write here. 
[36...]
Posted
Yes...Meems...this is so hard; I feel worse and worse every day cognitiively...just don't feel like a person anymore then can't even be anything to my son.
Posted

You cannot quit Prozac just like this. I think you decrease 10% every month. You'll find some information on how to taper AD's in Peter Breggin and other books. You should consult a good psychiatrist.

 

It also depends on how long you took it. But going off of Prozac CT is very dangerous.

 

I'm on 20 mg. It's a hefty dose. Brain fog, barely alive. I would never dare to quit CT. I once did and that was one of the things that led me back to benzos.

  • Like 1
[36...]
Posted
Thanks Estee...I was unaware of what to do..I was also seeing a Naturopath who told me just to stop it so I'm doubly screwed....
Posted

Hey Hardtocope,

 

There is always a possibility to reinstate either Prozac or Lexapro. Like 1 mg for a month and see how you feel. But you should consult it with a pdoc. Both meds are available as a liquid in a bottle. You buy a diabetic syringe and try 1 mg in the morning for a week. If the pdoc agrees for you to do so. You see if you feel better or worse after, say, 3 weeks.

 

The most important thing is to find a benzo-wise, AD-wise sympathetic pdoc. Most pdocs will laugh at you when you say you want to reinstate 1 mg. They will tell you to take 5 mg at once. But you have every right to decide how much AD you want to take.

 

I don't know if you feel up to reading books, but I may recommend you two books:

 

1) "The Antidepressant Solution: A Step-by-Step Guide to Safely Overcoming Antidepressant Withdrawal, Dependence and Addiction" by Joseph Glenmullen,

2) "Your Drug May Be Your Problem, Revised Edition" by Peter Breggin, David Cohen.

 

You may find lots of talks by Peter Breggin on YouTube. He's quite sensible, IMO.

 

Then there's a site about psychiatric drugs by Dr Healy: www.davidhealy.org

 

If you took benzos for a short time, it may be nonsensical to come back to them. Benzos are much more addictive than ADs. ADs are addictive in a different way. The most important thing for you is to find a good, sympathetic pdoc, who would be against prescribing tons of benzos. You just taper ADs similarly to benzos. But it really depends on your diagnosis. I have OCD. I remember I had lots of energy on Prozac before Valium. I was taking 5 mg Prozac. Now I've been taking 20 mg Prozac for more than a year (I upped and upped the dose) and I have no energy whatsoever. It must be the benzos. Lexapro was a nightmare. I could go on and on, but I'm very weak and barely can type all this stuff.

 

I would like very much to help you. But first of all, I can't even help myself. Any questions - PM or write me. I'm too sick to help. But always willing to share my vast experience with psychiatric drugs.

  • Like 1
[36...]
Posted
Thank you Estee...I'll take those suggestions into consideration; appreciate all of the insight
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